November 2020 Babies - Thread 6!

[BuffaloCauliflower]

New thread for the November 2020 club - looking forward to more scan pictures!

PS before mat leave I thought I’d want to quit and become a SAHM. On mat leave I realised how important work was to me and my identity, and mental health (much as I adore my child). So wait and see how you get on before making any decisions!

For me, and my DH, this is our chance to have a happy little family. So we will probably go for 2.
We both already have kids with other partners but its complicated so we dont get to see his and onlysee mine every couple of years.
For me I was feeling very much like a mother with no one to hold and keep safe, so this is definitely our 2nd chance.

NB I would like to point out, neither of us had our children taken away from us, I know some may make that assumption but it's not the case

@Amytitch it is insanely expensive. That's why I am quitting. I am a teacher with 4 years experience. It will cost me 250 quid more a month than I earn to put my two kids in childcare from 7:30 to 4:30. Even if i think about it in the sense of it comes out of two parents wages, it doesnt work, because as a household we are down 250 pounds a month. I have to be the one to quit because I earn less than DH. I think after a few years, when my DC1 is in school, I can go back to work as it can take on an extra role for a pay rise.

However you can apply for the government childcare scheme if you work which tops up your childcare by 20%. That made me going back to work on DC1 possible.

Honestly, if you can get help from family with childcare, do. We have no family around so it wasnt an option but all my colleagues only work because they have childcare help.

@HarrietM87 Those are some very good points. My partner earns more than me so I always thought he should stay full time. Luckily my family aren't too far away and as it's the first baby of the family I'm hoping they will enjoy looking after it maybe once a week. I'm due the very end of November so I have a long time to figure things out, I'm trying to be prepared(ish). But you're right, I may decide I want to go back to work to keep me happy!

We’re just about to get hit with childcare costs for first time as my MIL was looking after my DC 3 days a week, I work 4 days and DH and I do a split day once a week so I’m off morning and work late, he’s off afternoon and makes up the hours on working days.

However, during lockdown she’s re-evaluated her life and decided she can’t cope so is now having him 2 afternoons a week instead. It’s bloody expensive and will be even worse after mat leave when we’ve got to put 2 in but being a SAHM would drive me potty.

Hoping to agree with my work I can do my 28 hours over 3 days when I’m back from mat leave and DH going to see if he can do a day a week WFH (which means he’ll largely make up his working hours on working days and weekends/evenings etc).

Then DC1 would be in nursery 2 full days a week (Weds and Fri) and DC2, 1 full day (Fri) plus 1 morning (Weds). MIL would then take DC2 for 2 afternoons a week (Mon and Weds) meaning DH would only have DC1 at home Mon afternoon to make it easier and then I’ll be off Tuesday and Thursday.

Just hope both our works go for it or it is going to be REALLY expensive!!!

@SqidgeBum I wish there were some cheaper options out there for childcare! My sister works at a nursery and I was shocked when I heard how much they charge. I'm not even sure what hours my work would be willing to offer once mat leave finishes in regards to shortening the shifts. I'll speak to them about it a little later down the line cos that'll at least help make the decisions on what'll be happening

I was the higher earner, and I dropped a day down to 4 days. I couldn’t face him being in nursery 5 days and not having our time. But dropping hours has its positives and negatives, especially in certain jobs (I do as much in 4 days as I did 5, workload hasn’t lessened).

Nursery was more expensive than the mortgage. The 30 free hours kicked in this January which has had a massive impact on the bill! (£500 and something vs £900 - four days a week!). Labour wanted to bring in free hours for all children from 2 but hey ho. Had I got pregnant earlier, I think nursery offer a slight discount for a second child. Definitely join the childcare schemes. We actually need to change ours as since OH got made redundant in September, he’s no longer able to get the childcare vouchers so we’d be better off in the new scheme now.

But it’s so individual to each family. What works for one won’t necessarily work for another.

@burntpinky That must have been a bit of a blow to hear😬 You sound like you have a good action plan in place though to figure it all out!! Fingers crossed for you that your work places agree to it

@Amytitch yes it was initially esp as she gave my DH’s sister 5 years childcare for each of her children but we always get treated differently as she perceives us as “loaded” (we are not, and certainly not in comparison to the majority of our friends!) so I wasn’t 100% surprised!

That said, I’ve actually come round to the idea now as I really think it will be so beneficial for DC1 and also means we will feel much less beholden to her (which was something I didn’t like) and also won’t have to put up with the barbed comments about me working!

So I think it will be about 18 months where it’s a bit of an annoyance financially (but the nursery I’ve got them in provide all food, milk and snacks so less stress!) before some free hours kick in for DC1.

Then my plan once DC1 in school is to work term time only, school hours, and just put DC1 in until 2 each day, presuming my work allow it as otherwise we will have to rely on her school holidays and she has SIL’s kids most of the time then so we’re likely to be at the bottom of the pile!!

Childcare wise, dh and I work in the same restaurant so we will just do opposite shifts, and i will only be part time instead of my usual 60 hours a week. So should work out fine for us, and then we will use the 15 free hours a week (if that's still a thing???)

There is no 15 hours a week free anymore I am afraid @Hancock2020 . It's just the 20% top up. Free hours only comes in when they are 3.

@burntpinky I know how you feel. My MIL gives free childcare to my SIL and then they like to make comments about how we 'moved far away' because we are 'selfish' (we live 45 mins away) and that's why we dont get the privilege of her help, or even her coming over. There are also barbed comments about me either working or not working (depending what mood they are in). Honestly, even though I now have to quit and be a SAHM, something I know will hit my mental health massively and makes me very sad, I am happy I am not in my MILs debt. She would have held it over my head. This way we make the decisions we need for us only, and it's a logistical nightmare at times, but we dont owe anyone anything.

@SqidgeBum that’s awful. I hear this unequal treatment a lot in families! Like you say, at least you won’t owe her anything and can be your own person and you know you can return to your career once school starts. I think the pre-school years are def the hardest in terms of childcare.

Tbh in a way I’m kinda glad she’s done it, both for the reasons I’ve said and also because I think it’s opened my eyes to how sheltered DC has been being cared for by her - he really needs to mix with other kids and get some life experiences. It also made me look at other clubs for him so we are going to sign him up for football and cricket on weekends from age 2. So though Inwas initially annoyed about the financial implications (abd still am about the unequal treatment) I honestly think it’s the best thing for DC

Wow @burntpinky that’s so complicated! Hope it works!

My ideal would be DH and I both doing 4 day weeks so that DS would be in childcare 3 days and with us 4 days (/7), seems like a good balance and impacts DH and me equally, but it’s just not possible really for me to go down to 4 days. I’d end up doing the same amount of work for less pay AND being perceived as less committed...it’s basically career suicide.

We had a nanny for DS who looked after him in our house which I felt like that was the closest thing to family looking after him as I could get! Jealous of people with family nearby!

We have family close, but I like to keep my parents for babysitting duties (and would never ask for childcare) and emergency cover! If I had family looking after him during the day, it’s impossible to ask them to sit at night as well meaning we’d never go out.

I think I’m going to go down to 4 days a week and put the baby in a nursery 3 days a week, and work something out with my mum/MIL for the other day.

Thing I’m worried about is my working hours; they’re currently on the upper end of 10-16 hours a day. Which obvs doesn’t work with childcare.

Sorry to jump on board. I’m usually just hover in the November group as my due date was changed to 30th October but I still like to read your convos too!
Regarding nurseries, my family own one (luckily for me!) and I would say that in some areas, like ours, nurseries fill up SO QUICKLY so if you’re thinking of a nursery start researching now. Sometimes we get pregnant couples coming to look around at 8 months and we have no spaces available which is hard for them.

My DS goes to nursery 5 days a week, luckily he loves it there. It is expensive but we get the 20% government top up, and nursery provide all food and nappies etc so I like to count that in the cost- we’ve spent a fortune on nappies during lockdown!
When this baby starts nursery DS will be 3 so entitled to 30 hours free, our nursery also do a discount for siblings. I will definitely think about dropping down to 4 days but I’d have to work out if it makes sense financially given I’m the higher earner.
My concern is more around keeping DS in nursery while I’m on mat leave & SMP.

Baby wont be going into childcare until they are 3 anyway, I prefer them to be at home until then anyway

Is anybody else suffering with itchy palms and soles of your feet? I've had one really itchy spot on my foot for a couple of weeks and also on one palm. There's no rash and nothing I can see, just intense itchiness. I keep dragging my foot along the carpet for relief!

I just had a thought that it might be pregnancy related somehow?

@Addler One of the updates in my pregnancy app last week was about itchiness. I think it is related to the hormones drying your skin out in places.

I am definitely done after this one, which will be our 2nd. I am also unsure of trying again if,god forbid, something happens to this one. I loathe being pregnant and though I was prepared for the HG this time, nothing can prepare you for how much time you end up spending away from your first. I miss him greatly. HG is so horrific and basically steals 9 months of your life. I was having a good day today, even managed a little play in the garden with DS thinking I have turned a corner. Yet just had a mass throwing up session, where it came out of my nose for the first time this time round. So feeling thorougly miserable.

Apart from the HG it has also made sense to wait as DS will get his free hours at nursery just before this one is born. He will start school at the tail end of my mat leave so thankfully only one set of nursery fees to pay at a time.

We have help 2days a week and he is in nursery the rest. We both have to work fulltime to afford our house so incredibly lucky family can help us. We moved a few years ago from London back to where we grew up. We would have struggled to do it all alone.

@Addler how many weeks are you? My best friend had the same thing in her last pregnancy, however not until about 30 weeks and she had to take some tablets as they said the itchiness on palms and feet was linked to liver function. It may not be the same thing at all as its much earlier, and could definitely be hormonal, I just wanted to mention it in case it's worth asking your midwife. As I said it may not be linked at all and not wanting to worry you, just would feel bad if I didn't mention it xx

@Addler De-lurking! I've had itching all over my body too at times, it's so annoying! It's not all the time though, just occasionally.

I did read something about a liver condition that can come about in pregnancy and one of the symptoms can be itching on your hands and feet so maybe mention it to your midwife if it gets bad. That's what I'm going to do 😊 x