*Trigger warning* Here we go again...

[Frazzlerock]

We have just found out last week that I'm pregnant again.

The past 4 years we have been TTC on and off which has resulted in 3 MMC at 9 weeks and 1 spontaneous MC at 4 weeks.
Our last baby died in January this year and I'm still grieving and emotionally recovering from surgery. We are still waiting for the test results. Our sweet baby took us a very long and painful year to conceive (PCOS)

Since then we have actively been avoiding pregnancy. Following my app which predicts ovulation. I had no worries as I don't conceive easily, even when it's timed perfectly cycle after cycle.
I was booked to have a copper coil fitted at the end of April
But in true Sod's Law fashion I randomly ovulated early (never happened before, it's always late if anything) and fell pregnant. I even took the MAP when my app suddenly brought ovulation forward. It clearly didn't work 🤔

I can't get excited. We never wanted to have to go through yet another MMC. It's just too hard and has beaten us down immensely. I know for a fact this one will be no different to the others.
My recurrent miscarriage team have told me that there are no 'reassurance' scans for the foreseeable. My only scan will be at 12 weeks - by then I could have a dead baby inside me for at least 3 weeks.

I'm terrified I will start to love this baby like I did all the others. I need to know how not to bond as I simply can't go through the agony of babyloss again.

How can I distance myself from this one? It's not even like I can go out and do things to take my mind off it!

I wish I could be like everyone else and have hope and no worries. It seems like the whole world just has babies with no trouble (in my small world anyway)

And of all the times I could get pregnant It had to be during a fucking pandemic...

I don't know what I'm asking really, just tips on how to not get my hopes up like I have every single time.

@BeingATwatItsABingThing I think that midwife is talking about when you start feeling kicks (she mentions 'learn your baby's normal call') - I most definitely would not use one for that point as I know the dangers and would never take any risks, especially given how many babies we've lost.
I'm talking about getting one for these early days when I literally have no idea what's going on. I've watched various videos online and there is a marked difference between the mother's heartbeat, blood flow, placenta noises and the unmistakable baby heartbeat - though it is hard to find.
It's not definite, just a thought. I doubt I'll get one but I am researching it, and I certainly would never buy one without it being an informed choice.

@Sheera1 yes I'm with you on this 'getting through the 1st trimester'. All our losses were pre 9 weeks, but I've been so involved with the babyloss world the past 4 years that I know too much now and will worry my entire pregnancy I think. Or at least until I feel baby kicking and moving around which I wish so much was now!

I have been a lurker on your post so pleased it's all turned out well.
But please do not buy a Doppler,
I lost 2 babies at the 20 weeks marks and one of my boys had a heartbeat 20 mins before I delivered him so having a heartbeat doesn't mean that everything is ok. If your worried bother the midwives.
Please please don't buy one.

@Thegirlwithnousername I am so sorry to hear of your losses, losing a baby is just the most heartbreaking thing we can go through

But my plan was to just use it while I have no idea what is happening in these early weeks. Before I can feel any movement - I am dead against them once movements are felt and am an avid supporter of the Kicks Count charity - I have a wrist band already (from previous pregnancies)
As I say, its not a definite decision and I will make an informed choice. As I say again, I will likely not get one anyway.

Thank you, I am luck enough to have 2 DC now but totally get the anxiety, I had it all way to labour for both!.
Hope you are doing well today. Have everything crossed for you

@thegirlwithnousername. So sorry to hear about your losses. I can't imagine losing them that far along. Mine was 12 weeks and that was devastating as it was.

I’ve been thinking about you today @Frazzlerock.

I am so happy for you OP and I wish you all the best for the pregnancy going forwards

Morning all,

As my next scan approaches, I'm having another wobble.
I'm now 10+4 weeks and boobs aren't as tender (again). I just wish I had more symptoms to go by to give me some kind of reassurance. I am pretty tired still during the day but that could also be because I'm not doing anything, I'm just stuck on the sofa all day with my work laptop. I know doing nothing can cause tiredness.

I understand that the placenta takes over around now so symptoms can fade, but with my history of MMC I just don't trust that is the case.

4 days to go until scan day [scared face]

Completely natural to have a wobble, especially sitting at home all day with nothing else to think about!
I would just think of the hundreds of threads on here about symptoms easing off around 9/10 weeks, and how worried everyone is, when the vast majority of the time everything is fine!
I'm not going to lie, this 4 days will drag, but it'll also be here before you know it and give you that next bit of reassurance you need. You got this! 😘 xx

I posted about my symptoms fading around 9 weeks. I had two private scans before my NHS scan because I was so anxious and both were absolutely fine. I’m now 20+5 and everything is still fine and dandy.

Hopefully, the next four days flies by for you!

I really hope so. I wish I didn't know so much, you know?
I kind of wish I had the naivety I had when I had my boys 11 and 14 years ago, oblivious to anything that could go wrong.

I'm scared I will go back to rock bottom if/when this one leaves us. I want this happiness to remain for once, as I'm completely exhausted from being so miserable the past 4 years.

Oh well, nothing I can do about it until Monday. Annoyingly my appointment isn't until 3pm so it will be a long day!

In other news, I got my 12 week scan appointment through, that will be the following Tuesday bright and early - if we get that far of course.

@Frazzlerock I am right there with you sweetie. I have a private scan tomorrow. 12 weeks today. I totally agree on the naievity and how nice that is when you haven't had an mmc. My first child I did have that (might not happen) but I don't think I really believed it. With my 2nd which was the mmc, again I said to my partner (his 1st) "we can't get too excited until everything is ok and we get our scan", but I didn't really think anything would go wrong especially as the weeks rolled by.

I think that is the cruelty of mmc. ANY miscarriage is awful and please no-one think for a second I am downplaying how awful it is to have an early miscarriage, but it seems a special kind of double kick while you are down when you would have lost the baby at 7/8 weeks but your body carries on regardless. Every day closer to that magic 12 weeks you get a wee bit more excited, even still with pregnancy symptoms, when all along it was not viable and hadn't been for weeks. 😥

I cannot even begin to imagine losing a baby after 12 weeks. It must be absolutely heartbreaking to think everything is good and then to lose it so late on and the physicality of that must be really tough never mind the mental anguish.

Anyway, I am the same. I have had a full term pregnancy like you so we know our bodies can do it, but the heartbreak and shock really of the mmc invades our thoughts and nondaybisbtaken for granted.

I think although the blissful ignorance I felt before was good, it made the mmc so shocking for me as at 12 weeks I really thought we were ok.

Fingers crossed for you on Monday. I hope to post a nice wee scan pic tomorrow but in my heart I am preparing for things to not be ok. It is probably a defence mechanism.

I am trying not to dwell on it and distract myself, but it is always ticking away at the back of your mind.

Lots of fingers and toes crossed for anyone at this stage. Hope healthy scans abound and they let us take a quick video for our partners to see! 😀

@Sheera1 I've been thinking about you and your scan tomorrow. I sooooo hope all is well. I think we both deserve a bit of joy! Please do post a picture!
Re video, I haven't been allowed to film my scans I don't really know why. Maybe it does something to the equipment or is dangerous in some way around the equipment? . I have seen plenty of filmed scans on Youtube so not sure why it would be a problem. Its a real shame as our DPs can't be there to see it all
I feel like DP is missing out, although right now he doesn't want to think about the baby at all (scared it will go wrong) so maybe he prefers it that way.

Hey @Frazzlerock just wanted to say I've been thinking of you and totally understand your fear.

We were married fifteen years, in that time had periods of infertility, two failed rounds of IVF and multiple miscarriage and missed miscarriages.

I feel with Dd and waited to miscarry in order to be referred to dr quenby.

I had weekly scans from six to twenty weeks then two weekly. I then had a planned section as in discussions with consultant it was felt it was the safest way to get Dd here.

That anxiety has never really gone away. I have terrible health anxiety around her. She coughs and I'm up all night. It's almost like I'm convinced something is now going to happen to her? However, she's here and she's wonderful.

I'm having counselling which I think is helping. I will never see pregnancy as an easy or happy place.

You are doing great, day by day, minute by minute.

@sheera1 I'm thinking of you today. I really hope all is well x

Thank you @moobar and I'm so sorry what what you've been through. I'm the same with my older DC. I used to be so relaxed about them doing fairly dangerous things, now I can't cope with it. Even my youngest on his mountain bike on the hills near our house sends me into a nervous wreck

Hi ya. @Frazzlerock. Just back from the private scan. I was almost picking my guts up with nerves. The moment she put the sensor on I could see it flipping about I side there. Very active. Sucking its thump and some hiccups. Such a huge relief. Measuring about 4 days behind what I thought so 11 weeks 4 days. I was preparing for the worst. Will try and attach a pick.

I am so pleased I did the scan and NIPT. Will find out the results in a week. So hoping all is ok, but seems a lively wee person in there for now.

Fingers crossed for you on Monday. My nhs scan is Thursday. Xxx

Aww lovely @Sheera1 !!! I'm THRILLED for you! What a cutie pie you have there
🧡 you must be so relieved

That is amazing x

I'm still waiting for the call from our local cal clinic to start doing NIPTs again. I don't know what to do really. I had hoped to have it done before our NHS 12 weeker, but that is a week on Tuesday.
I'm 11 weeks on Sunday. I could just book with the Harley St clinic but the thought of traipsing up there.., we live in Sevenoaks in Kent so it would be a royal pain in the arse.

I don't know of any other clinics my way that offer the NIPT test. The one I'm hoping for is at The Alexandra

Thank you all. Big relief. I will get NIPT tests back before the NHS nuchal thingy.

Very pleased I did it but we were 15 mins away in the car. A big trek might have changed my mind. Can always see what the nhs one says and go for one later if still anxious?

At the NIPT test they asked if I want to know the gender (I didn't think they could before 16 weeks) but we hadn't even thought about discussing that as bot wanting to get too far ahead of ourselves. I said no as I would end up reading it if they did. Can always decide later I guess.

Feeling much better after the scan. Once results come back and hopefully ok I will feel a lot better I think.

Fingers crossed @Frazzlerock and everyone else currently anxiously biting finger nails. Crossing all fingers and toes over here. Xxxx

Morning

So I've one more day until scam day and having my usual wobble. Overthinking everything, such as - is the progesterone I'm taking mimicking my very minimal preg symptoms (swollen and slightly bruised feeling boobs and exhaustion). What if baby died just after my last scan and I've been carrying on believing my symptoms all this time. Then the worries that the haematoma is still there and bigger, or there will be a problem with the baby at our 12 week scan the following week, which is likely given my age.
Then I keep thinking I never wanted to go through all this stress yet again but here we are, take 5.
I think what I'm most terrified of is the rock bottom existence another loss will send me to. I'm exhausted from 4 long years of it, and I genuinely do not know if I can survive it yet again.
Sigh...

@Sheera1 we don't want to know the sex either. I've a strong feeling I can only conceive boys anyway as I have 2 boys and two of our lost babies were boys (the last two). So I've a strong suspicion this one is a boy too.
Do you have any feelings either way?

@Frazzlerock I felt the same as you though you have so much more heartache behind the feelings. I was so nervous on the way to the scan. I was really worried about how I was going to come out and hide a loss from ds in the car (who has no idea I am pregnant btw). Sick to my stomach as they say. Like you I was waiting for them to say it had died weeks ago after my last scan and again my body just didn't know.

You are only human for feeling like this. It would be impossible not to worry.

I just hope the rest of today and tomorrow flies past and everything is fine and a lovely wee baby in there. I am crossing all fingers and toes. Try and distract yourself today as much as you are able.

I knew ds was a boy. Just had a huge hunch and 20 week scan confirmed.

Not sure if we will find out the gender. I have a hunch it is a girl but mainly as my pregnancy is so different and I have been so nauseous and despite actually losing some weight my waist has thickened. Bone of that happened with ds. However, this is a new partner and I am 10 yrs older so who knows .

Ds has a step sister so he would probably want a wee brother. I would quite like a girl as I don't have one and always pictured my partner with a wee girl. As they say though, we would be happy with either.xxx

I've been thinking of you today frazzle. I hope after your scan tomorrow you have the same feelings of relief that you've had at each one so far.

I have my 12 week scan on the 20th and my booking in appointment on Tuesday. We also don't want to find out the sex but seem to be in a minority!

Thinking of you, all the best xxx

I felt so sad when I read that you lost this baby too, I so wanted the outcome to be different for you. I hope you can find some peace, in time, draw breath and heal from this devastating cycle of loss. And, eventually, remember and come back to an understanding of yourself as a much more than 'someone who has miscarriages'