*Trigger warning* Here we go again...

[Frazzlerock]

We have just found out last week that I'm pregnant again.

The past 4 years we have been TTC on and off which has resulted in 3 MMC at 9 weeks and 1 spontaneous MC at 4 weeks.
Our last baby died in January this year and I'm still grieving and emotionally recovering from surgery. We are still waiting for the test results. Our sweet baby took us a very long and painful year to conceive (PCOS)

Since then we have actively been avoiding pregnancy. Following my app which predicts ovulation. I had no worries as I don't conceive easily, even when it's timed perfectly cycle after cycle.
I was booked to have a copper coil fitted at the end of April
But in true Sod's Law fashion I randomly ovulated early (never happened before, it's always late if anything) and fell pregnant. I even took the MAP when my app suddenly brought ovulation forward. It clearly didn't work 🤔

I can't get excited. We never wanted to have to go through yet another MMC. It's just too hard and has beaten us down immensely. I know for a fact this one will be no different to the others.
My recurrent miscarriage team have told me that there are no 'reassurance' scans for the foreseeable. My only scan will be at 12 weeks - by then I could have a dead baby inside me for at least 3 weeks.

I'm terrified I will start to love this baby like I did all the others. I need to know how not to bond as I simply can't go through the agony of babyloss again.

How can I distance myself from this one? It's not even like I can go out and do things to take my mind off it!

I wish I could be like everyone else and have hope and no worries. It seems like the whole world just has babies with no trouble (in my small world anyway)

And of all the times I could get pregnant It had to be during a fucking pandemic...

I don't know what I'm asking really, just tips on how to not get my hopes up like I have every single time.

OP I have genuinely ever been so pleased for anyone. Such good news

So sorry for you loss, wishing you the best in life don't be so hard on yourself

Great! I needed to post to drop pp down, my heart sank! Thinking about you and praying for a happy outcome. Stay strong and safe xx

@gamerprego please read the thread, or at least the OP updates which can be highlighted in a different colour, before posting ... that's a tad insensitive ...

Hey OP. So chuffed for you with that latest scan! What a little love!

I know how grim it can all be too. 5 mcs including 2 mmc’s. Got my boy at 39 y/o after a long, shitty journey - he’s 3 next week and a total joy.

I am going to pray all goes well for you all this time. Xx

Omg just saw the scan post and the happy news, so sorry posted too soon without reading that! congratulations I'm so happy for you @Frazzlerock
I really hope everything goes well for you, I'm also nervous about my first pregnancy thats why I posted words of support, sorry didn't mean to be insensitive at all...far from it.
@Candyflosscookie
Wow you sound like a very pleasant person don't you :)
Instead of spending your energy replying to me better you go educate yourself and learn some manners.
How is wishing someone all the best being insensitive?! I was sad to hear about OP's previous losses and didn't see the update post, your post is very unnecessary.

Thanks guys.

I've had my midwife booking in session this morning over the phone. It's such a boring process but feels like a step int e right direction nonetheless. I'm to go into the hospital on Monday for blood tests and weight/height checks when I will also get my Bounty pack - another useless thing but, despite it being just a load of crappy leaflets, it makes it feel real. Just hope I get to Monday unscathed!

Day 10 with no heavy bleeds so far.... I've barely moved from the sofa or my bed so I'm hoping that is helping.

@frazzlerock im so pleased for you, i had a massive sub chronic hematoma in my last pregnancy, i coughed at work and it was horrendous there was blood everywhere, i got scanned the same day luckily but could see the faces when i went on the table for a scan and the blood was dripping onto there floor, but there was baby happily moving around!!, i had 4 big bleeds until it all disappeared on my 12 weeks scan you can see the sack of blood next to baby!, i bled until week 18 we got to 39 weeks before she made her appearance

I have just found this thread. Congratulations for making it so far. Number 4 stuck for us although it was a hard pregnancy with lots of bleeds, various other issues and she was premature. I barely got out of bad and it was so tough on my mental health. She is now 2, as hard a nails and absolutely perfect. I am wishing you the same.

@Frazzlerock the best thing about my bounty pack was a free sample of pregacare keep resting and taking things easy

I think I've still got that little free pack from our 3rd loss in 2018. It's just the regular version though. I take the max one.

The one thing I found useful was the tiny pots of Sudocrem, but that was with my 2 DC which was quite a few years ago. Also it might have been the pack you get when they're born or just before.

Hope you are keeping well @Frazzlerock. I had my bloods taken ytday. Was angling for a scan or attempt to find the heartbeat but they were having none of it. 😁.

My next scan is two weeks away and just cramping myself every day. I have booked a private scan with NIPT test as I am over 40. Fortune but my mind is going nuts. It is next week. I will be crapping myself. And then again at my nhs scan at 13 weeks.

Keep your feet up. Get your partner to run about making you nice refreshing drinks and get netflix on. Fingers and toes crossed for you and for me. Xxxx

Hey @Sheera1 I'm okay, just counting the days until my next scan a week on Monday and also really hoping I get to double figures tomorrow - The big 10 weeks which is mental considering the crappy past 4 years.

No bleeding for nearly 2 weeks now (hopefully will stay that way)

I've got to go for my bloods on Monday. I'm desperate for them to check for a heartbeat as I know people can find it from about 9 weeks but I won't even bother asking as I know they won't do it.

As I'm also 40 and, given our history, we're also going to have the NIPT test. (I'm also crapping myself!) Our nearest clinic aren't doing them (last time I called) but they said they were hoping to be offering them again by now. I'll give them a call on Monday. I saw that the government have allowed fertility services to resume, so hopefully this will prompt the clinic to start the NIPT tests again,

Remind me how many weeks you are now?

I was 11 weeks on Thursday. I have been so crampy and sore tonight so obvs that is me away worrying again.

I would still ask about the heartbeat. Ask if they will try or when you go, say you have had a lot of pain and are worried and ask if they could check all ok. Explain your history too and they might give you a wee scan there. They maybe won't do the heartbeat esp as we are already worrying as they might ot find one at our stage and that would lead to more panicking.

I know there is nothing we can do if it isn't viable but still consumes us what is going on inside. Xx

All sounding good so far frazzle, I have everything crossed things keep chugging away smoothly

I'm just back from m midwife appointment. I didn't ask if she'd check the heartbeat, but I did ask when she would. She said they normally do it at the 16 week check but it will be over the phone so won't be able to listen to the heartbeat. She did say I could call if I'm concerned and they will do it (from 16 weeks). I am so tempted to buy a doppler. I don't want to bother them every 5 mins and I also don't want to go to hospital all the time while all this is going on.

Don’t buy a Doppler. There are some reports they are disruptive, or can be. Plus you’ll become obsessed with it. Just keeping getting through another day x

@Frazzlerock I got given a dopple free. It is just a cheap one. I gave it a go and couldn't hear anything but it is too early and it is too cheap to be able to pick it up. I am also high BMI and makes it harder so not obsessing about it. I think if I get that far it will be a nice thing to do with my partner if I can find it especially as he is missing appointments and us too.

The issue with doppler is if you are worried and then hear your own heartbeat and therefore don't go to see a midwife with your concern. I would think we are all sensible enough not to do that and would be on the phone with any changes. The heartbeat is so different and so much faster when you can hear it I think it will give some reassurance and something nice for partner to hear. Just don't ignore any signs you would call for normally.

I totally get why you would want one. I am struggling not to call in for another scan to find out if all is still well as I know I am wasting their time from my own paranoia and they need the scan times for people who really need them. Also nothing they can do if this is not going to be viable anyway.

My cramping has stopped which is good. Had some weird sharp twinges last night right at my sides so guessing ligaments stretching. Have a scan on Friday and it will be a very slow week.

Hope you are all hanging in there too. Xxx

Edit* meaning you mistake your own heartbeat for the baby's and don't go seek professional help

Please don’t buy a Doppler. Even midwives can struggle to find the heartbeat and they are trained professionals.

@Sheera1 I would definitely use it with my brain engaged. I don't know though. Just bothers me that the heartbeat won't be checked routinely at 16 weeks, nor the one after that! (depending on lock down rules), especially after our history.
I might just see how our scan goes on Monday next week and then think about it.

I'm so pleased your cramping has stopped. Yes I get those sharp pains too and totally normal round ligament pains - I see them as a positive!

My tummy has really popped out, but I've not gained any weight at all, in fact I was half a pound lighter this morning, so I'm assuming its not fat! That must be a good sign too... I've dug out my maternity band and have my jeans completely open.

Keep us updated @Sheera1 I've got everything crossed for a good scan on Friday

On a MN thread, I asked about home dopplers and here is how the midwife responded.

Here is a link to the thread as well: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/AMA/3824672-I-m-a-midwife-AMA

www.tommys.org/pregnancy-information/im-pregnant/pregnancy-news-and-blogs/no-home-scanning-device-doppler-or-app-can-tell-you-if-your-baby-well

Thanks @frazzlerock. Will be counting the days as I am sure you are.

I booked it online privately and am now thinking that maybe it is an error as Friday is a Bank Hol.....

Will give them a ring.

I agree that not having the heartbeat listened too is worrying.

I think if I get a good scan on Friday and then my NHS one the week after and then the tests back positively I will stop worrying quite so much. Our issues have all been in the first trimester and would hope and believe that if we get past that we have the same odds as others and the odds are in our favour. Getting through this stage is tough as the closer we get to that 12 week stage and the longer we have known we are pregnant the more you can't start to think of the future which I don't want to do, but can't help it if you see what I mean. I told another person this weekend and then instantly think arrgh another person to tell if it doesn't work out, why did I do that?? Xxx

OP pls pls pls plsssss do not use a Doppler! It’s just so risky not only for the baby but also for your mental health!!

I don’t know where you are based but The Birth Company in London and Alderly edge do private scans which include the heartbeat! You can hear it and even see it on their monitor - it’s fancy equipment so a tad expensive!

We have a sad history of MC so paid for a private scan at 11 weeks! They’re really careful about social distancing and hygiene etc atm and we have a scan booked because my waters went at 25 weeks and despite me getting extra scans my husband won’t be able to see our baby until he’s born!

Have you considered a private scan to hear the heartbeat instead? I’m sure other companies will do them! X