Gender disappointment

[nancydrew89]

I 100% thought I was having a girl and had been on nub theory Facebook pages. They all thought I was having a girl as well.
So last night we had a gender scan and was told it's a boy.
I'm happy he healthy and growing well. But I had my heart set it was a girl.

I wondering if anyone was told they were having a boy then at the 20 week scan you were told otherwise?

Also anyone else in the same shoes? How did you overcome this?

Have attach potty shot scan to this.

@Bookworm83 of course you could do all those things with a boy or a girl but that doesn't make boys and girls the same. They're not.....not physically, not mentally and not emotionally.

I'm late 30's and was dressed in pink as a baby but turned into a proper tomboy, playing football and wearing tracksuits. I went on to have a job in a traditionally masculine field. I was still a girl and it never ever held me back from doing anything i wanted to do. We should be embracing differences and individuality, not trying to lump all kids together in the same pot and going on like pink and blue are the most evil things to happen to mankind.

I'm pregnant with my first and genuinely don't care if it's a boy or a girl...I have different reasons to be excited for both, none of which have anything to do with dressing up or playing with hair.

I think for a lot of women it's simply to do with the close bond they share with their own mother and wanting the same with a daughter themselves. That's it. Stop trying to make it about something that it's not.

For me it was nothing to do with hair/clothes (I’m not interested in them for myself!)

I wanted a girl to carry on the tradition of amazing, strong women in our family all of whom have amazing, strong bonds with their mothers. I have no idea whether I would have had gender disappointment as we found out we were having a girl.

I don’t judge anyone who suffers from gender disappointment, because it’s a fairly “taboo” thing and I would imagine very difficult to talk about or process before people shut you down.

Other than the very occasional post every single reason why people want a girl rather than a boy is rooted in gender stereotypes.

Every single reason in posts on here I mean

I think for a lot of women it's simply to do with the close bond they share with their own mother and wanting the same with a daughter themselves

But again that’s rooted in stereotypes. There’s no reason why those bonds can’t be every bit as strong in father/daughter or mother/son relationships.

But again that’s rooted in stereotypes. There’s no reason why those bonds can’t be every bit as strong in father/daughter or mother/son relationships

Or rooted in experience?

I think for me we’ve had an awful lot of women in our family who didn’t conform to gender stereotypes and I love that!

As an aside I’m equally as close to my father as my mother, there’s just something special about strong female relationships IMO.

@ClappyFlappy all amazing bonds but all different.

Women don't know what a sons bond is like with mum or dad as they have never been a son, they only know what a daughters bond is like, hence why initially they may want that for themselves.

Those that then have a son learn very quickly how amazing that bond is too and wonder why they ever worried about it.

It's really very basic psychology, stop looking to make it something different.

@JacquesHammer our family is the same....lots of strong women with strong bonds, not being held back or conforming to 'gender stereotypes' (not that there's anything wrong with that either....some girls are super 'girly', love pink and dolls, hate mud etc....they shouldn't be shamed for that).

I've always been a daddy's girl though, my bond with my dad is amazing.

@nancydrew89 firstly I would like to say I’m so sorry for the sarcastic, snarky and sometimes downright mean comments you are getting! It’s a really sad time when women tear other women down and I think it’s shameful!

At no point are you saying “well, it’s big won’t want it/going to get rid of it” nor are you ungrateful for the gender you have! Just because some women can’t get pregnant or have MC doesn’t mean you can’t feel like this!

That being said, I am 16 weeks pregnant, had a MC in August and found out yesterday I was having a boy! In my 32 years of life I have NEVER seen myself with a boy! I didn’t do nub tests or gender gender theory’s I just always HOPED I would have a girl.

Yesterday when I found out we were having a boy I was thrilled and I was disappointed and I was sad and then I was guilty! HOWEVER me and my husband went out and bought some “boy” outfits and are today going to pick out “boy” nursery stuff and I just kept saying his name in my head!

It’s just an adjustment honey and also crazy ass hormones! Be kind to yourself and just take a day and like me you will adjust to the idea! Don’t hope for a different gender at your 20 week scan though cos that won’t help!

ALSO F* the negative, unsupportive haters here! Women stick together xx

@JacquesHammer - I think you are right about it being rooted in experience. I had a poor relationship with my mum - she definitely favoured my sister over me, and I wanted a much better relationship with my children.

We haven’t talked about it directly - but recently I did say to her that I thought my close relationship to my dad had been like her close relationship to my sister, and she agreed. Her theory is that I am actually very like her in character, and dsis is like my dad, and opposites attract. I don’t know if she is right - dh thinks I am nothing like her - and I have certainly tried to parent much better than I think she parented me, and to be a different person - but maybe it was true when we were growing up.

It’s so shocking to see the OP being torn down by other women like this. If she wanted a girl, then that’s that, for whatever reasons the OP felt. For the ‘gender neutral’ brigade, if you wish to dress your boy in a dress, or girl in blue, or whatever you choose, that’s fine. I’m pretty sure no one could care less. At the end of the day, we are all pushing our own tastes onto the babies we are having, whether we are dressing them like a ‘girl’, like a ‘boy’ or in clothes considered ‘gender neutral’ and it is no one else’s choice other than our own, because let’s face it, a 3 week old doesn’t exactly have a choice. I love that my daughter is girly, loves pink and Disney princesses etc.
I also love that my son loves football and likes playing with cars and trains.
They are happy and healthy and that’s all
that matters
Hope you are ok OP x x

user1493400455
It has nothing to do with 'gender neutral' or dressing a boy in pink. It's that there's very few meaningful things that someone would want to do that you couldn't do with either sex, and sex disappointment seems to disproportionately be someone is having a boy but wants a girl.

Nobody should be being unpleasant to the OP, but it is reasonable to point out that given the vast majority of reasons to be disappointed seem to rest on "I want my imagined child to be a daughter who likes girly things like me and I was looking forward to dressing her in cute dresses" or "DH wanted a son so he could do sport and be a football dad", there is a lot of disappointment resting on stereotypes when baving your preferred sex doesn't mean the child is going to be the girl/boy you imagine. If someone is wanting a girl because they like ballet and getting dressed up and pampering each other then they're going to be disappointed when their little princess isn't a princess girl. If someone is dying for a bit because they'll be dad's mini me and can play football on a Saturday morning and follow in dad's masculine hobbies etc then they're going to be disappointed if instead of football and rugby their son loves performing arts.
There's no pushing some point proving gender neutral crap or denying sex exists and more pointing out that there's no reason why a girl wouldn't play rugby, no reason why a mum of a boy couldn't take him to gymnastics, why a dad couldn't have his daughter do football etc. None of those activities are for boys/girls.

@LolaSmiles it's the modern day woke generation desperate to put labels on everything and constantly looking for something to be offended by.

I was born in the early 80's and played football in school. My brother is 9 years younger and hated football and other traditionally 'boy' things, he liked cooking and music.
We were both dressed in pink/blue as babies but were never ever forced to behave a certain way or kept from whatever activities we wanted to do.

I went on to work in a very traditionally masculine field. It never occurred to me that I couldn't!

I've seen nothing on here that suggests the OP wanted only a stereotypically girly girl purely for dressing her up and playing with her hair!

There are lots of aspects to it for me - none of which are to do being woke. One of main reasons people give for wanting to know the sex before birth is so they can be prepared - preparing base on sex presumably means buy "boy" things or "girl" things which is so bad for the environment - just buy things and use them regardless of the babies sex.

@Whattheother2catsprefer bad for the environment?

It obviously won’t happen but I think it would be better if these bloody stupid “gender scans” weren’t a thing and they stopped telling people the sex at NHS scans as well, medical reasons aside. No one “needs to know” the sex, you don’t “prepare” any more for a baby due to knowing whether it’s male or female. People including children are so much more than their sex. I’ve got 2 boys and they couldn’t be any more different personality wise. I wonder how much of a thing “gender disappointment” was before pre-birth sex observation was a thing.

@ClappyFlappy that's your opinion and you're entitled to it, just like others are entitled to find out the baby's sex, to celebrate it with a 'reveal' and to dress their babies in pink or blue if they so choose! Everyone is entitled to bring up their children in the way they believe is best for them.

I'm all for every child being encouraged to be whoever they want to be but i really don't like the whole 'gender neutral' obsession and I think it can be quite damaging in later life. I respect your choice to raise your own children that way though, just don't force your views on others who don't feel the same.

By the way, there have always been people desperately wanting girls or boys since long before it was a thing to find out the sex before birth....It's not a new thing, it's just that this way, people have time to get used to the idea and basically 'get over it' rather than taking that time after the birth and potentially not bonding with their baby straight away.

My auntie had 4 children in the 80's: 3 girls and then a boy last. She loves her girls but she was so desperate for a boy and always vowed to keep going, following every old wives tale she could find, until she had one! It was nothing to do with having a stereotypical boy with a certain personality, she just wanted a little boy....infact, as it happened, my cousin was never into any 'boy' stuff and is gay. My auntie absolutely adores him.

Children are so much more than their sex, agreed. They're still girls and boys though. They're not the same.

sel2223

1. It's not about being woke at all, nor is it finding things to be offended by.

When I was a child we did a range of activities. I'm sure under the 21st century labels 90% of my primary school friends would be labelled as non binary or gender non-conforming or whatever is the latest way to label "human being has a range of interests that go beyond narrow stereotypes". I used to look through he Argos catalogue for Christmas and don't recall pages of pink and blue the way that it's done now. In many ways it seems childhood is becoming increasingly defined by gender stereotypes. I'm still not entirely convinced that most of the reasons given for gender disappointment are meaningful reasons, because most things you do with people in life aren't dependent on having specific genitals. What would someone be missing in life by having a girl not a boy, or a boy instead of a girl? What would having a girl/boy prevent them doing with their child instead of their preferred sex?

For all the progress and moving away from gender stereotypes over recent decades we seem to be going backwards with more rigid sterotypes being promoted (e.g my boy can't help but enjoy pushing and shoving, football and mud / my girl just happens to be born wanting to play with Princesses and makeup) and then falling over to categorise people into 90million different genders if they don't conform. They're just kids who can, and should, have a range of interests and they'd very few things that are 'boy/girl' hobbies or activities.

1. I was speaking generally and not commenting on the OP.

Completely agree with all your views @sel2223

When a baby is born they are either a girl or a boy. Their parents have THEIR views on how they see the world, interpret it and choose to bring up their child. That’s a given and goes without saying.

I’m a girl, my mum dresssd me in pink. I played with dolls and barbies. If I wanted to play with a train or car my mum didn’t snatch it away from me and express her severe disappointment. My dad is very manly who loves football etc and didn’t force me to play football every Saturday to be more like him. I am now a girly woman, I love make up and fashion but I also love football etc. Did my mum ever tell me how utterly disappointed she was as I’m not girly enough because as an adult I like football? No. Of course she didn’t! Because if she did, my mum would have some issues of her own to sort through I believe a lot of people’s issue with gender stereotypes stem from their own issues rather than the actual child/children. Whether I played with cars or dolls had no bearing on my development. I grew, gained understanding and developed my own tastes and likes. Just like a child raised as gender neutral, or a stereotypical girl or boy will do.

The issue of gender stereotypes doesn’t need to be an issue. It’s like choosing for your baby to eat meat or not. Their parent has their views and this will be passed on to the baby, but ultimately when the child has an understanding and develops
their own tastes they will make their choice. Any well adjusted adult will support their child with whatever they wish. As stated previously, the parent who would be disappointed with a child not conforming to their views/tastes/opinions would be the one who has the issue.

I’m expecting my second girl (I also have a son) and can’t wait to prepare for her arrival and buy all girly things. At the same time if she chooses to play with my sons train set one day I won’t even blink an eye. When she’s older and wants to play football, be a hairdresser, a builder or whatever she chooses, I know it won’t be because she played with a pram and went to ballet class as a young child. I also won’t be feeling disappointed or upset.

I would love for a gender neutral supporter to explain how they pick a name for their gender neutral child? Or explain whether they keep their child’s hair just the right length so that it’s not too long or too short to keep in line with their views on being gender neutral? I’m very curious

You can’t be as bad as me, op. 1st baby and I wanted a boy to start but didn’t really mind. Found out it was actually a boy and started grieving for the girl I could have had! Completely irrationall. You’ll adore this baby as much as your first, don’t worry yourself too much xxx

Some of my friends have been disappointed they had a boy instead of a girl. Their explanations seemed to be rooted in a fear of their sones leaving them in the future but daughters maintaining a very strong family bond. None of the sex disappointment I've heard of was about pink clothes vs blue clothes.

user1493400455
You do realise people pointing out how silly sex disappointment is aren't advocating pretending the sexes don't exist?
We just happen to believe that it's silly to be disappointed about having a boy/girl based on some predetermined, often stereotypical, ideas of what it is to have a boy/girl. It's nothing to do with raising "gender neutral" children, and everything to do with not being devestated with an unborn child's genitals.

For example, if someone is disappointed about having a girl over a boy they're upset about their idea of what they'd be doing with their hypothetical boy. In reality there's nothing to say if they had their boy that he'd match the boy they have in their head. They could spend all pregnancy building their dream of their ideal boy and what their boy will be like, only to find when he gets here and grows up that he hates the things they hoped he'd like.
Same for being disappointed that you're having a boy when you really want a girl. The disappointment is that you're not getting the girl that exists in your head. There's nothing to say that having your girl would mean she'll be like the imagined idea of a girl.

There's very little in the 'things I want to do with my hypothetical girl/boy' that is dependent on the child being a boy/girl. You've said yourself you did a range of activities (football and makeup), just like I did as a child, which is precisely why it's silly for people to be upset that they have a boy/girl. Children are more than capable of having a range of interests and a range of experiences so someone being upset that they have one or the other is illogical.

@LolaSmiles I'm not sure you really understand the whole issue of gender disappointment. It's not about having a boy or girl to mould into a certain stereotype. There's a common misconception on here that wanting a boy must mean wanting a stereotypical 'boys boy' playing with 'boys' toys and doing 'boys' activities and wanting a girl must mean wanting a little princess playing with 'girls' toys and doing 'girls' things. That is not the case.

As much as some people would love to believe otherwise, boys and girls are not the same. Aside from the obvious physical differences, there are differences mentally and emotionally too. The way they think and respond, the way they learn and process information, their reactions, their relationships with others. These differences should be nurtured and encouraged not denied and ignored. We should be embracing the differences while still teaching children they can achieve anything they set their mind to (and work hard for) regardless of sex, instead of making them ashamed of their gender. That can be so damaging as they grow up as they often struggle with their identity and finding their place in the world.

It's our job as parents to help them find their own identity and encourage them to be who they want to be. If that starts with dressing them in girls or boys clothes as babies and buying them stereotypically pink or blue toys then so be it, there's nothing wrong with that. The harm only comes if we fail to change and adapt as they grow and start making decisions for themselves on what they want to wear or what toys they want to play with. Denying their gender from the beginning and lumping them all together in this neutral middle ground is much more damaging. In fact, i believe it's a contributing factor in the increase in mental health issues in young people (a contributing factor - not the only factor)

If a girl wants to play with pink Lego over multi coloured unisex Lego, so what? If she wants to play with battleships and trains and they happen to be in the 'boys' aisle at the shop, so what? If never occurred to me to mind if i was playing with 'girls' toys or 'boys' toys when I was growing up and it certainly never held me back in any way.

I was a complete tomboy, living in tracksuits, building dens and playing football in the mud. I shunned anything pink and girly. Did that make me the same as my football loving brother? Absolutely not. My sister was obsessed with Barbie and dressing up. Did that make her more of a 'girl' than me? Absolutely not.

The issue with wanting a boy or a girl is more deep rooted than you give it credit for. It's more to do with a womans own childhood and the bond they share with their own parents as has been mentioned several times. A lot of women want a relationship with a daughter like the one they have with their own mother and a 'daddy's girl' relationship for their partners like they themselves have with their dad. Women dream of bonding with a daughter as they grow....maybe over puberty and wedding dress shopping and someday them having a baby of their own? Of course those things might not even happen any way but that's what they're imagining, not sitting playing with hair.

Some women didn't have that kind of relationship growing up and want a son so history doesn't repeat itself....a lot of men want a son to carry on the surname with a family of their own one day. There are all kinds of reasons.

Yes it's illogical, that's why there's a stigma attached and people are often frightened to admit how they are feeling. Once they have a child of whichever sex, most rational people realise how wonderful they are and how silly those feelings about the sex of the baby might have been and they will have a wonderful bond with them regardless. But even if they have a little boy into ballet and cooking and playing with dolls, that doesn't mean they won't secretly be hoping for a girl the next time (or vice versa).

I don't misunderstand gender disappointment.
You seem to think that despite being told quite clearly i'm not pretending boys and girls don't exist that means denying boys and girls exist.
I don't agree that anyone can pin their hopes on specific things based on their child's sex enough to warrant disappointment so take the approach of "make peace and move on".

I don't get the point you're making about your siblings - you're three people, two female and one male with a range of interests, so I have no idea why the "is she more of a girl than me" comes into it. Of course she isn't because being a girl is your biology, not your interests, which is why anyone being disappointed about the sex of their child is illogical.

To look at examples from this thread:
a son is your son until he takes a wife but a daughter is yours for life - Bring your son up to understand that it's entirely possible and healthy to have multiple close female relationships and that possession isn't an attractive quality in a spouse so there's no competition. Maybe the reason there's so many Mil Issues is because enough women seem to view themselves in competition with their son's wife.

I want the bond with a hypothetical daughter my mum had with me - The hypothetical daughter will have their own personality and the relationship won't be the same as yours with your mum because you're different people.

Men want a son to carry the family name - illogical and ridiculous and based on sexist principles. Is there idea of family having a name tag passed on?

A man wanting a girl because she'll be a daddy's girl / a woman wanting a boy because she wants a mummy's boy - Many children have perfectly good relationships with their parents without their parents pining after clichés (though I'd probably wonder if people subscribe to the 'son til he gets a wife' also subscribe to mummy's boy approaches).

I don't see why an adult being disappointed with the sex of an unborn child based on entirely hypothetical, and often stereotypical, desires should be fawned over and reinforced as totally normal and legitimate rather than "sorry you feel that way, but it's illogical so focus on the child you are having".