Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Gender disappointment

135 replies

nancydrew89 · 29/01/2020 07:33

I 100% thought I was having a girl and had been on nub theory Facebook pages. They all thought I was having a girl as well.
So last night we had a gender scan and was told it's a boy.
I'm happy he healthy and growing well. But I had my heart set it was a girl.

I wondering if anyone was told they were having a boy then at the 20 week scan you were told otherwise?

Also anyone else in the same shoes? How did you overcome this?

Have attach potty shot scan to this.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
LolaSmiles · 31/01/2020 10:27

OP i say this with kindness, but asking random people on Facebook to comment on medical things led you to get your hopes up for a girl and those high hopes were a contributing factor to the disappointment you felt on finding out it's a boy.
You've then wondered if the sonographer got it wrong and are now asking another bunch of unqualified randomers on a forum to comment on a scan photo.
It feels like whilst you're aware a healthy baby is what is important, there's part of you still holding out hope that someone might say "I think it looks like a girl and my aunty's friend's second cousin had been told the wrong sex".

If you're in any doubt then you'd be much better paying to have a private scan to see the sex and then make your peace and look forward to having a lovely baby boy.

Urkiddingright · 31/01/2020 12:19

Your mistake was trusting the ‘nub theory’ in the first place, it’s a crock of shit.

I was convinced DC3 was a boy and only had a solid boys name set in stone so when she was born I was so shocked. It took a while for it to sink in tbh, I called her ‘baby’ for a while. Funny thing is she’s seven now and a real ‘tomboy’, she hates pink and went through a big Spider-Man phase when she was younger where she actually wanted to change her name to spider man Grin.

If you ever have another child, just wait either until the scan or until they’re born before setting your mind on a certain sex.

Whattheother2catsprefer · 31/01/2020 21:13

It's disapointing when you dont get the baby you imagined yes most people don't imagine a sick baby or a disabled baby but for some people it's their reality. Even for people with a happy, healthy baby of the "preferred' sex it's unlikely that they will live up to the imagined fantasy child all tutus and spa breaks, or football and dinosaurs. They tend to be their own unique blend of quirks and personality and totally and utterly disregard the plans their parents have made for them - who's imaginary baby pees in their eye or projectile vomits on the family heirloom christening gown?

tillytoodles1 · 31/01/2020 21:20

My SIL cried when the scan showed she was having another boy. She was desperate for a girl both times and she really was devastated that the second one was also a boy. I have one of each, so sort of got why she was upset, but FGS, surely a healthy baby is your first choice.

iStruggleWithThePast · 31/01/2020 22:10

It's disapointing when you dont get the baby you imagined - yes most people don't imagine a sick baby or a disabled baby but for some people it's their reality

Did you read the rest of my post Whattheother2catsprefer

If you didnt then thats rude to just quote the first sentance and if you did then thats a bit heartless isnt it

Whattheother2catsprefer · 31/01/2020 22:15

@tillytoodles1 my sister and both SILs each have two or three boys. All of them have either explicitly or implicitly said that they would have had another if they could guarantee a girl but as between the four of us we have 8 boys and not a single girl no-one fancied the odds.

Camsie30 · 31/01/2020 22:25

I really understand OP. I laughed in the sonographer's face when she told me I was having a boy. Then held it together until I got outside and sobbed down the phone to my mum. There are no boys in the family so I just wasn't expecting it. I already had a daughter and assumed I'd have two. Honestly, it took a while to get my head round. I had to mourn the daughter that I didn't have. I'm a solo parent so feel pretty clueless about boys! BUT he's here, he's nearly one and he's great. SO DIFFERENT to my daughter but I don't think that's a sex thing, all kids are different. I think there are a lot of feelings of shame attached to this issue and you mustn't feel that. He will be a unique, incredible person and he will be YOURS. Feel it all, get it out. I promise it will be ok xx

Whattheother2catsprefer · 31/01/2020 22:32

@iStruggleWithThePast yes I read your full post but I could hardly quote the whole lot. I sorry for your loss, I'm sorry you are carrying guilt for something that was totally beyond your control. I have had losses and infertility myself and come to terms with the fact that my imaginary dream of three children will never come to be. When we decided to start a family we never imagined it would take 10 years of heart break to have one child and that we would never had the brood we planned. My point was that everyone imagines they will get their dream but lots of people don't. I'm sorry if you find that heartless it certainly wasn't my intent Flowers

MeanMrMustardSeed · 31/01/2020 22:35

There’s a thread around this evening from a woman who had a follow up scan to a concerning 20 week scan today. It didn't go they way they hoped it would and sounds like they have a very tough decision and sad time’s ahead of them. Might be worth a read to get some perspective.

Yesterdayforgotten · 01/02/2020 07:33

Why are people always disappointed to have boys on alot of these threads...its awful as I feel so blessed to have my wonderful son. Boys are amazing!!! Babies are incredible and such a gift, a baby in itself is exciting!

IslandTulip · 01/02/2020 15:51

Boys are far more loving than girls too. I had a DD 2 years later and a DS 2 years after and girls have terrible attitudes😂
Your ds might be far more loving than your dd and your dd may have a terrible attitude. That doesn't apply to all children of that sex though.

Yamumma69 · 01/02/2020 15:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Indella · 01/02/2020 16:06

@nancydrew89 That potty shot you’ve posted is very clearly a boy. Is that your first child or the scan from this pregnancy?

meandmylot · 01/02/2020 16:10

I'v 3 girls and that definitely looks like a boy. How old is your eldest? There are loads of advantages to having children of the same sex, mine are the best of friends.

Original poster
nancydrew89 · 01/02/2020 17:05

It's my second child. It's just totally different.

OP posts:
Indella · 01/02/2020 21:39

@nancydrew89 Not sure what’s different but that definitely a boy. I’m a midwife not a sonographer but spend enough time watching scans that I can tell a boy and a girl apart.

ClappyFlappy · 01/02/2020 21:43

Oh what a surprise, yet another one of these threads where someone wants a girl. 🙄

I’d imagine they will be quite unlikely to be wrong, I thought in cases where they get it wrong it’s where they say it’s a girl and it’s a boy.

As for overcoming it you don’t really have a choice, I’m sure once he’s here you won’t be able to imagine him being anyone else but him,

Maggie272 · 02/02/2020 00:30

Hi sweets, I'm someone who has gone thru infertility and losses too, but can also understand this. My parents had 5 girls and my poor dad makes no secret of the fact he would have preferred otherwise! He adores us, but is was a lot. Try to ignore some of the critical comments... You know deep down we all get disappointed over small things and big things, just like everyone else Smile you're only human. Chat rooms like this are like glass houses and people shouldn't throw stones xxx

kitchendreams · 02/02/2020 07:13

Boys are far more loving than girls too. I had a DD 2 years later and a DS 2 years after and girls have terrible attitudes

I find this sort of generalisation hugely unhelpful. Whether you’re more loving or have an attitude is nothing to do with your sex and everything to do with who you are as an individual.

OP I was really hoping for a boy when I fell pregnant - and my gut feeling was that I was carrying a boy. At my scan I found out I was having a girl and remember feeling so disappointed - and also immensely guilty for feeling that way.

Over the next few weeks I was able to work through my feelings and why I’d had that strong negative reaction to having a girl.

I figured out that it was a lot to do with projection - I had an unhappy childhood in many ways and felt fearful that a daughter would turn out just like me and have to struggle with the same challenges.

I now see that it was illogical - a daughter could be just like DH and a son just like me, the sex is irrelevant. Plus she will be an individual, her own person and will have a different upbringing to the one I had.

Having worked through all this I’m now really excited to be having a girl, and DH and I have picked out a name which has really helped me envisage her and bond. I’m so glad I found out the sex when I did though, as I would not have wanted to deal with all this mental baggage post birth.

Phew that was long - sorry!

Mybabyhasverynoisytoys · 02/02/2020 07:16

I didn’t find out the sex when I was pregnant with DC1. Im glad I didn’t. I wanted a boy but had a girl (I have mum issues and thought that she would hate me like I hate my mum)

DH wanted to find out this time but I was worried I wouldn’t connect with the baby. I was getting really worked up about it. I still haven’t connected with the baby but that’s not because of the baby’s sex.

You will be fine OP. You’ll most probably love this baby when he’s here.

A lot of mums of boys do get a bit defensive on here.

You know your baby is healthy and that is obviously more important but I understand how it feels when you have a picture and a plan in your mind and that doesn’t happen.

mynameisnotmichaelcaine · 02/02/2020 07:22

I have three children, and experienced gender disappointment with both of my boys. It didn't take me long to get over it once they were there, all squishy faced and gorgeous.

They don't get on at all though. All families are different in terms of relationships and personalities. There's a big age gap, so I'm hoping they'll like each other more when they're both adults.

MIL has three boys. She was disappointed when number 3 was a boy, but made her peace with it very quickly. Helpfully, I provided her with a granddaughter when her youngest was still a teen. They are incredibly close, and go on trips together at least twice a year to things like The Good Food show and to watch things like Little Women. MIL says it's much nicer than if she had a daughter herself, because she doesn't actually have to parent her 😂

You never know what's in your future. You can't help your feelings, but you can look past them and let them roll over you. Don't dwell. Good luck.

Mybabyhasverynoisytoys · 02/02/2020 08:03

is it the dresses and doing their hair that people want or is there more to it? Genuinely interested

I’ve wondered this. DH is one of 4 boys. DD is the first grandchild and she got bought several impractical dresses and stereotypical girly clothes as soon as she was born. It got my back up a bit as she isn’t a dolly. She lived in gender neutral baby grows for the first 3 months which I think my MIL was a bit Hmm about. My mum wanted to get Dd pink items probably in part because she knew it would annoy me.

I think it’s also because of that stupid saying about a boy is yours until he has a wife a daughter is yours for life. Something my mum believes and thinks I should do XYZ because I’m her daughter Hmm

Another thing I’ve struggled with since having a girl (and having another girl on the way) is that she was labelled a daddy’s girl as soon as she was born. I had PND and struggled to bond with her as it was so I just felt like getting up and leaving.

I’m worried it’s going to happen again.

I don’t think it makes any difference when they are babies anyway. They just act like, well babies! Grin

You’ll get there OP

sel2223 · 02/02/2020 09:09

I don't think this post was anything about dressing girls up or doing their hair....the OP has said she already has a gorgeous little boy and she rightly or wrongly convinced herself/got her hopes up that this one was a girl so she'd have one of each!

She never said girls are better than boys or that she wouldn't love this healthy baby just as much as her first born. She was just venting as she was surprised it was another boy - why is everyone so quick to make this about something that it's not?

I'm sure there are lots of people who secretly hope for one of each (especially if only planning 2 children)....just as there will be people who wish for siblings of the same sex hoping they'll have a great bond.

And I know personalities can be different irrelevant of sex....you could get a little tomboy or a more effeminate little boy. They're still girls and boys though and they're not the same.

thaimelon · 02/02/2020 09:13

Yes.

I have 2 truly beautiful and healthy DDs but was so crestfallen when I was told I was expecting a girl each time.

My firstborn son was stillborn. I'd always wanted a little boy and I was robbed of the chance.

Bookworm83 · 02/02/2020 09:24

My pregnancy journal has a page in it telling me to write down things I'm looking forward to doing with my child because they are of the sex they are.

I genuinely couldn't come up with a single thing.

I'm having a boy and look forward to teaching him about nature, plants and animals, reading to him a lot, and I imagine his daddy will take him fishing a lot, probably also teach him to shoot and try to get him interested in planes (my husband's biggest passion). None of these are things we couldn't do with a girl though?

I genuinely do not get this whole gender disappointment thing. If there's more to it than just wanting to do a little girl's hair and dress her up, I'd be very interested to hear it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread