bored of all the negative comments whenever anyone gets pregnant.

[SexlessBoulderBelly]

I’ve just commented on a post and it got me think and would be interested to hear other peoples views or what comments they had that even though may be true makes you roll your eyes and think shut up, you’re not telling me anything I don’t already know

Comments like:
“no one is ever ready for a baby”
“you don’t know what’s coming”
“it’s really hard work you have no idea”
“you don’t know how hard it is until she’s here”
“You will never sleep again!”
“You have this commitment for at least the next 18 years”
“It’s got to be really, REALLY hard!”

The “no one is ever ready for a baby” thing really sets me off, I think it’s because it’s usually followed on from something like “how do you think you will cope with a baby?” - I’ve grew up from a very young age changing nappies, holding, feeding, soothing baby’s that have come into the family, I can confidently do it for other people’s children... yes it will be nerve wracking with my own child because I won’t be giving them back when they’re fed up or just tired, but why do people feel the need to tell me it’s not the same as talk to me as if I haven’t already known that the child inside me is my responsibility.

I think the negativity and general mindset that new mothers are shit for brains who need telling it’s going to be hard as if they don’t already know there’s a big change coming, just makes us question ourselves, why would you want to do that to someone?

I’m a quite strong willed and ahem.. stubborn.. person so I tend to roll my eyes and laugh it off. But after a post I’ve just read I’ve starting question why it’s ok to make a new pregnant mother even more nervous than she already is, why purposefully torment someone into thinking they cant do it.

Why can people say positive things.. or if they’re going to tell us it’s really hard work and how on earth shall we cope?!... offer to bloody help

I just needed a 5am hormonal rant.

Let me know what comments you have that just made you think shut up!

Because it’s a long post and it’s 5am please forgive all the bad grammar and spelling..

It's annoying. I've found British people are the worst for it, other countries seem to have a much more positive attitude.

"Sorry you didn't enjoy your experience of being a parent" is my standard response. Usually shuts them up.

@watchingthemoon
Ha, that explains it.. in British!

I’ll keep that response in mind, although ironically I’m only the second person of all my friends to be having a baby so it’s mostly been childless people telling me I don’t know what’s going to hit me...!? very ironic..

You’ll be a great mum. People are full of tosh.
I work in a hospital caring for babies from newborn to 1.
My pet peeve is the incessant “I can’t believe we haven’t put you off”
“You’re stupid having a baby working here”

Fuck off the lot of yous.

I remember meeting someone for the first time and mentioning I was pregnant naturally in conversation. She rolled her eyes and said "You have NO idea what's coming" - as if it was really negative. She had a little one.

Of course having a baby is hard but how is it helpful to tell someone how they're not going to cope/how negative their life will be. Some encouragement is more appreciated

Is it your first baby OP? It's going to be the hardest thing I've heard (ftm here) but most rewarding.

One of my friends is pregnant and I try to not tell her anything negative about third trimester without offering something positive. (I'm further along)
Such as "Yeah everything hurts but my husband is really supportive and listens to me when I need it."

All we can do is try our best when the time comes!

They say all those things because they're true! I thought I could handle things better than the person making the comments when I heard such gems but in reality, motherhood is all consuming and it becomes very apparent, very quickly! Good luck with your baby but also don't discount what other people's experiences have been. They probably feel as if they're helping you prepare by giving you a realistic outlook 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes! This!

Why can we not just be kind to each other? Most of us have a brain, we know it is going to be the hardest thing... but if we perpetually tell new mums that it will be the worst experience ever, they will never be able to relax and enjoy the good moments because they'll be waiting for the floor to drop out. I so agree with you.

"They say all those things because they're true"

And yet my non British friends seem to think differently. They mostly say it's great, yes, hard work but fun, rewarding, interesting etc.

@tanitani yes first baby also! She’s being delivered on New Year’s Eve so I don’t have a long way to go now but ever since being booked in for the section time seems to be dragging.. although Christmas hasn’t helped! Good luck with your first little one!

@titnomatani - see. I’m not discounting what they say. I know it’s all 99% true... but why put it so negatively to new mothers? positivity and support is better than bashing and telling us we have no idea what we’re doing.
I’ve had people ask how I think I’ll cope and when I even try to be the slightest bit positive with “I think we’ll be ok once we’ve settled in after a few weeks” to be hit with “HA HA good luck. You’ll never get settled, let alone in a few weeks” Yeah feck off with your negative shite. Why ask if you’re just going to tell me I’m wrong. Especially if you’re just saying what society says because you don’t have children yourself?!
But I do agree with you that they are probably just trying to ‘prepare’ us for what’s to come. They’re just doing it the wrong way and it becomes irritating to be told the same thing over and over, like having someone read you a script.

Put it this way. I’ve never had this conversation after telling someone I’m pregnant.

“How do you think you will cope?”
“We will be fine once we’re settled in and have established a routine”
“Oh you’ll love all the tiny cuddles, having a child is rewarding, you should try XYZ because that helped me, or someone told me that XYZ can help with ABC if you hadn’t heard that already”

I’d much rather that conversation with some constructive advice than yours life is about to go down hill’

I've honestly just started avoiding people like that OP. I don't mind realistic advice but the doom mongers can just fuck off. I had someone say "biggest mistake od your life" when I was three months and had just announced my pregnancy and it was all new and exciting.

Just why? What possible pleasure can someone out of being like that? I am far from a positive or optimistic person but jesus.

Okay with my sleep deprived, bleary eyes and new mum brain, I missed some of the details you've posted- clearly these people think they're very close to you to make such comments? I'd never dream of saying anything like this say, to my colleagues, etc. ESPECIALLY if I was myself child-free. I also think sometimes people make silly/'smart'arse comments to fill a conversational void or to come across as a wise person. Either mock them back with a witty comment of your own/ignore them completely while calling them a tw*t in your head or prepare mentally for the hard bits of parenting so when they happen, at least 'you knew' IYSWIM!

I think some of the "negativity" is just people trying to prepare you. There's not much point people giving you tips yet because every baby is different and they all need different advice depending on your issues at the time.

Parenting is the best but hardest job in the world. Routines take months not weeks and even then they are totally changeable!

@teachermaths

But why say it in such a negative way? They're not trying to be helpful, if they were, they'd offer to help.

They're doing the martyr routine, which is tired at the best of times.

Looking at the other comments here, I must've been lucky, I had lots of lovely comments but also the usual- make sure you sleep when baby sleeps, make sure you both help each other, be kind to yourself, etc. I didn't ever have anyone tell me I'd made a massive mistake, etc. The odd lady of a certain age on public transport did give me the 'wait till it's here- they're hard work/not easy, etc.' talk to which I replied something along the lines of 'I know, what have we done?! Hahahaha!' That usually stopped the conversation and we moved on to talk about other things.

@WatchingTheMoon how did you respond to that comment?! That is/was highly inappropriate.

"Sorry you didn't enjoy your experience of being a parent" is my standard response. Usually shuts them up.

Wow. Have a read of the PND and birth trauma threads and think for just a minute how that sort of attitudes (“shuts them up”) come across.

@thoughtless, if someone is going to give out unwanted, unasked for advice, it's not my job to babysit them just in case they have mh problems, a subject I am all too well versed in.

Being ill doesn't give you licence to be a cunt.

You sound lovely.

Being ill doesn't give you licence to be a cunt.

Yes but neither does being an equally big douchebag as them give you any licence to be a cunt back.

Each to their own. In short I just think the negative stigma around something that is such an amazing experience and something that women are so lucky to be able to experience (if they wish to) should end.

Of course a new mother will struggle. But why voice it so?

You wouldn’t give someone who has a illness negative prompts. If someone told you they had an illness you wouldn’t say “oh that’s going to be really hard!” “How will you cope, you don’t know what’s going to hit you once you’ve started treatment”

Even just to back up a negative with a positive would be much better than just telling us our life is essentially over now.

Why is it so hard to tell a new or expectant mother that actually, underneath the sleepless nights, poo explosions, hormones and crying it’s genuinely a lovely experience and to enjoy every moment of it.

I fully intend to cry a lot come the new year, I expect to struggle, but I’m also expecting to see my DD as the greatest thing that has ever happened to me... but no one will tell me that.

@tito Depends on circumstances doesn't it? If it's not for you, don't say it. But I can judge for myself how I conduct myself in conversation.

I also think before having a baby, we're all so loved up with the idea of all the nice things that are to come, we forget the alternatives. I personally enjoyed finding out about work colleagues struggles with their little ones or hearing about my nieces and nephews and what kind of (monster) babies they were so that when I faced similar issues, I knew I didn't have a 'defective' baby so to speak but that this was normal because x/y/z had been through something similar as well. And, just you wait till you have your baby OP (and others) no topic will be off bound, you'll relish telling your birth story, talking about the loooooong, sleepless nights, the all consuming exhaustion, the chapped/cracked nipples if you decide to BF, etc. to other mums. It's not you fear mongering or being mean, it's you sharing your reality.

You wouldn’t give someone who has a illness negative prompts. If someone told you they had an illness you wouldn’t say “oh that’s going to be really hard!” “How will you cope, you don’t know what’s going to hit you once you’ve started treatment”

This is so true. Imagine saying to someone with cancer "oh boy, you are going to be so sick, you'll be vomiting your guts out and you'll look crap bald. Plus do you know you could die".

It isn't helpful advice, as it's always said with such glee. Its just wanting to shit on people.

And those people who go on about you've ruined your life, isn't it weird how they always go on to have another 1-2 children (at least). They aren't taking their own advice.

@Thoughtlessinengland

I haven’t read the PND/birth trauma board. I don’t intend to until after I’ve given birth if at all really! (Don’t want to scare the shite out of myself reading neither trauma stories)

But I can’t help but think if people spoke more positively to new expectant mothers we might be able to help in reducing the chances of developing PND?

I know that PND isnt necessarily avoidable, you either get it or you don’t. But if you’re sending an expectant mother in to the hospital and leaving with a baby full of negative thoughts and attitude towards motherhood then that’s bound to push up the likelihood of developing some form of post traumatic stress or post natal depression.

That’s just my opinion though off the top of my head and I haven’t looked into that so have absolutely zero evidence to back me up. But surely negative attitude creates negative energy.