bored of all the negative comments whenever anyone gets pregnant.

[SexlessBoulderBelly]

I’ve just commented on a post and it got me think and would be interested to hear other peoples views or what comments they had that even though may be true makes you roll your eyes and think shut up, you’re not telling me anything I don’t already know

Comments like:
“no one is ever ready for a baby”
“you don’t know what’s coming”
“it’s really hard work you have no idea”
“you don’t know how hard it is until she’s here”
“You will never sleep again!”
“You have this commitment for at least the next 18 years”
“It’s got to be really, REALLY hard!”

The “no one is ever ready for a baby” thing really sets me off, I think it’s because it’s usually followed on from something like “how do you think you will cope with a baby?” - I’ve grew up from a very young age changing nappies, holding, feeding, soothing baby’s that have come into the family, I can confidently do it for other people’s children... yes it will be nerve wracking with my own child because I won’t be giving them back when they’re fed up or just tired, but why do people feel the need to tell me it’s not the same as talk to me as if I haven’t already known that the child inside me is my responsibility.

I think the negativity and general mindset that new mothers are shit for brains who need telling it’s going to be hard as if they don’t already know there’s a big change coming, just makes us question ourselves, why would you want to do that to someone?

I’m a quite strong willed and ahem.. stubborn.. person so I tend to roll my eyes and laugh it off. But after a post I’ve just read I’ve starting question why it’s ok to make a new pregnant mother even more nervous than she already is, why purposefully torment someone into thinking they cant do it.

Why can people say positive things.. or if they’re going to tell us it’s really hard work and how on earth shall we cope?!... offer to bloody help

I just needed a 5am hormonal rant.

Let me know what comments you have that just made you think shut up!

such an amazing experience and something that women are so lucky to be able to experience

Hi OP. Perhaps wait a bit first and see how thing go? I’m pregnant too and due to give birth anytime in January with DC2, and have a very adorable DC1 sleeping in the next room. So it is not as though I haven’t any experience of things. My own profession, and research, particularly involves perinatal and postnatal maternal wellbeing which has led me to work with and interview close to 100 new mums, and listen to countless experiences in addition to my own - many of whom have had super happy times and many of whom have genuinely struggled. All I can say is just wait a little bit and see how things go, make the space for those with difficult experiences to be able to speak, take what you can and want on board and have an open mind to what might arise.

And good luck ! Hope all goes v well for you :)

You wouldn’t give someone who has a illness negative prompts. If someone told you they had an illness you wouldn’t say “oh that’s going to be really hard!” “How will you cope, you don’t know what’s going to hit you once you’ve started treatment”

But babies/becoming a parent are usually such a positive deal/thing so even when making silly comments, there's an inherent understanding that despite the struggles, you'll still have fun because you'll have a gorgeous baby that'll be worth it in the end. They're not an illness.

As for the illness, I'm afraid I'd say something exactly along those lines- I'm sorry to hear that- that must be so tough... have you any support/family/friends nearby to help... I've heard treatment is harsh but effective, etc. I wouldn't consider myself a tit or harsh saying those things- just showing some empathy, etc.

Your situation is different because you're getting pointedly harsh remarks from others who've not been through it but then that does happen! I remember 6 months pp in the throws of PND with my Lo who just wouldn't sleep and wanted to be attached to me 24/7 (I couldn't eat/sleep in peace, was lamenting how much my relationship had changed with DH who I didn't spend any time with because I was constantly on baby duty) and a 'friend' coming over, hearing my baby cry and me going over to soothe it, telling me 'you do too much for it... let it cry and get used to it... OMG, when I have a kid, it's going to know who's boss, not like this'. I wanted to cry but said with a smile 'we all say such crap when we're not parents X. I hope to God yours is as good as good when you have one but if it isn't, I'm going to enjoy repeating this very comment back to you! Hahahahaha'. She was visibly embarrassed and never said anything like it again.

I think they are just trying to make themselves look good because they have done something "so hard". Now parenting can be hard but it's really not that amazing - the majority of people have done it.

Come and tell me about how hard it was to climb Mount Everest, win an Olympic gold medal or become a scientist at the top of your field. Then I'll be impressed. Parents are a dime a dozen.

@Thoughtlessinengland - we must be in the same field! 100% agree with what you've said.

Ha ha, sort of cross posted you in that case. Being your profession you’ve more than likely got all the statistics!

I’m in no way saying it will be a breeze or thinking of myself any different to anyone else. It would just be nice if we could look at it more positively. Not disputing that it’s the hardest job you’ll ever do, absolutely.
But as someone who is expecting their first child, in already nervous wondering what kind of parents I’ll be, love and support from people who have been through it would be nicer than them fuelling my already worried thoughts with the textbook negative comments that seem to be an automatic response.

It’s not like people are giving individual negative experiences, it’s all the same comments made with the same words, like everyone has a little handbook of ‘things to tell a pregnant lady’ (there’s a gap in the market for that!)

But I can’t help but think if people spoke more positively to new expectant mothers we might be able to help in reducing the chances of developing PND?

Very simplistic view of looking at PND. I'm a child development professional and thought I had it in the bag when I was pregnant- what I didn't know wasn't worth knowing kind of think (how naive)- it was only when I went through motherhood and the fourth trimester did the penny finally drop how much of an idiot of been thinking I wouldn't struggle. PnD can result from many things- not always peoples comments- do not underestimate that hormonal crash in the early days and how a baby changes everything. Like a PP said, just allow yourself the opportunity to go through motherhood yourself and you might understand why people make certain comments.

And you sound resilient enough to discount such comments, I doubt you'll keep hold of the people making such comments and let them influence your experience of motherhood. Some people have some stick phrases related to certain topics and repeat these ad Infinitum. I think pregnancy/parenthood has plenty of these. It's like an engagement announcement down the pub and one of your friends telling you 'that's it now mate, you're trapped- Hahahah- say goodbye to your life as you know it- hahahah'. Silly, ignorant but one of those things you say (not that I would!)

Stock phrases*

(Apologies for bad grammar/spellings. Massively sleep deprived atm. On two hours of sleep, trying to keep myself awake as I feed baby. )

Grim you're comparing having a baby to someone finding out they've got cancer, hardly the same thing is it.

You can have everyone tell you how wonderous having a baby is and how you immediately fall in love with them and forget all the awfulness of labour as soon as they're born. Then you go home and spend all day cuddling them and staring into their eyes, bonding. That may be true for some people but it's not for many others, it's good to have the "negative" experiences shared so new mothers who are having a hard time don't feel like they're the only person to not be living the dream in those first weeks

@titnomatani is that as far as you read of that part of my post? You seem to have taken that and ignored the fact I’ve gone on to say I know it’s not a simple as that, and that I have no evidence to support it, it was an idea that being positive off the bat may helping in reducing the chances.

I made it clear I haven’t underestimated PND and am disappointed that you’ve made it out that I have. Having experienced MH disorders I know all too well that it’s not just “all in your head” as I was told through my teenage years.

But that doesn’t go to say that being positive doesn’t help in one way or another.

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But if you’re sending an expectant mother in to the hospital and leaving with a baby full of negative thoughts and attitude towards motherhood then that’s bound to push up the likelihood of developing some form of post traumatic stress or post natal depression.

Unless an expectant mother is in a very abusive, damaging relationship or toxic environment, I doubt a few ill-thought comments are likely to cause any of this. I think one thing of parenting I've learned is that nothing is guaranteed- things vary from person to person, baby to baby, family to family. Certain factors in culture, ethnicity, class/socioeconomic status, any hereditary factors relating to mental health difficulties can contribute to the above in a new mother.

OP a lot of your comments are sounding very naive about birth, motherhood and PND. Perhaps other people are notoving this and trying to prepare you for it not being sunshine and rainbows all of the time.

I found it helpful to know that motherhood is bloody difficult. Yes I love it, yes I'd do it again. That doesn't mean that it's not hard.

I totally get this OP

DH and I are 6 months into first pregnancy, granted DH has had limited childcare experience (desperate for a family though and honestly think he’ll be very good at it) but I basically raised my much younger sibling and have been very active with several family children.
I’ve done temperatures in middle of the night, supermarket tantrums, no sleep...etc. I fully know what I’m getting into.

Yet on family holiday DH’s cousins DD (2yo) is overtired (at 9pm 🙄) and wants to watch YouTube. Starts crying and every adult in the room hits me and DH with ‘SEE it’s not all fun and games’

😒 ... right, well we’ll just return our bump shall we?

@titnomatani I’m much more looking forward to being sleep deprived while trying to feed the baby than I am just led here now sleep deprived for no reason at all 😫 I’ve started tumble drying my clothes with a bag of lavender in the sheer hope I may get another wink or two before she arrives haha!

I haven't just read/taken away that point you made- I've mentioned how tired I currently am and am trying to address each point t individually.

There's a reason only first time parents are offended by these comments!

I think non parents should start commenting on parenting to parents the way parents comment on the choice to have kids to non parents 👍🏻

Parents of crying child - ‘it’s not all fun and games you know’
Non parents- ‘They’re only crying because they’re overwhelmed with people and should have been in bed 2 hours ago but you didn’t want to leave the party 👍🏻🎉

That pregnancy insomnia is a killer. I've had it consistently in my third trimester for both pregnancies. Not being negative- I've just had a horrendous time dying for sleep but it not coming no matter how hard I tried! Then Waking up an hour or two later and trying to act normal and get things done running on virtually no sleep and a big SPD bump in the way!

@Teachermaths - probably! But then experience and hindsight are wonderful things! I'm sure I've made some seriously silly comments in the naivety of my youth to family and friends too!

🤦🏼‍♀️ I can only be naive in the sense that I’m expecting my first child and have no idea what to expect.... but that can only mean that nobody else knows what to expect for me either.

I’m not expecting sunshine and rainbows. (More pop explosions and projectile vomit)

But my point is, why is it so hard to say nice things? I’m bored of being told it’s going to be hard.. that doesn’t means I don’t think it will be. It means exactly what I say, I’m bored of being told over and over again by every Tom, dick and Harry. It’s what I imagine being told by every person you meet that water is wet is like. I know water is wet, why not tell me something else about it? But no that’s all they can contribute.

Change the people you hang around with? Not everyone is like the people you describe.

omg I wish I had people telling me how hard it was going to be lol People around me were always so nice and positive about babies that it never really hit me until I had one of my own 😁only 2.5 short years down the line and NOW finally we are settling in amd starting to sleep through the night (almost)👍👍👍

😅 @WorldsOnFire oh how too familiar that feels!

Have some stick phrases of your own to put an end to anymore of their comments.