bored of all the negative comments whenever anyone gets pregnant.

[SexlessBoulderBelly]

I’ve just commented on a post and it got me think and would be interested to hear other peoples views or what comments they had that even though may be true makes you roll your eyes and think shut up, you’re not telling me anything I don’t already know

Comments like:
“no one is ever ready for a baby”
“you don’t know what’s coming”
“it’s really hard work you have no idea”
“you don’t know how hard it is until she’s here”
“You will never sleep again!”
“You have this commitment for at least the next 18 years”
“It’s got to be really, REALLY hard!”

The “no one is ever ready for a baby” thing really sets me off, I think it’s because it’s usually followed on from something like “how do you think you will cope with a baby?” - I’ve grew up from a very young age changing nappies, holding, feeding, soothing baby’s that have come into the family, I can confidently do it for other people’s children... yes it will be nerve wracking with my own child because I won’t be giving them back when they’re fed up or just tired, but why do people feel the need to tell me it’s not the same as talk to me as if I haven’t already known that the child inside me is my responsibility.

I think the negativity and general mindset that new mothers are shit for brains who need telling it’s going to be hard as if they don’t already know there’s a big change coming, just makes us question ourselves, why would you want to do that to someone?

I’m a quite strong willed and ahem.. stubborn.. person so I tend to roll my eyes and laugh it off. But after a post I’ve just read I’ve starting question why it’s ok to make a new pregnant mother even more nervous than she already is, why purposefully torment someone into thinking they cant do it.

Why can people say positive things.. or if they’re going to tell us it’s really hard work and how on earth shall we cope?!... offer to bloody help

I just needed a 5am hormonal rant.

Let me know what comments you have that just made you think shut up!

In my research of the past five years I interviewed someone who’d been part of a hypnobirthibg online community of first time mothers. The online community then developed deep friendships and moved to Facebook and WhatsApp in a smaller setting and then by third trimester over to meet ups offline (summer picnics and such like). My intervieweee then went off to give birth with her planned home birth, doula and all her carefully practised meditations. As it happened however the birth went quite badly wrong and ended up, 35 hours later in hospital with an EMCS. She needed further surgery after wards. Anyway, when her group of friends - with whom she’d developed genuine bonds reconvened - she was ultimately shut out off the group and her birth story online was deleted and she was chastised for daring to share her “horror story” in any setting outside of a professional counsellor or birth debrief. She was desperate to disclose to people she knew. Such disclosure was not permissible. Interviewing her was one of the most eye opening experiences of my life. Never ever since then have I ever responded to anyone’s disclosure of any difficulty - however it is garbed - with anything except compassion. Her story - her birth canal, her baby, her baby’s positions, her body - isn’t mine. Her experience has no reason to be mine. I could have a better or worse experience - at least a different experience. But to respond to her with anything except compassion is genuinely beyond me. And I say that as someone who had a textbook non eventful first birth and who is very heavily pregnant at The moment.

That would be fair enough had it been the person who actually experience the ‘near death experience’

I care not for those ‘a friend of a friend of a friend, told me that she nearly died’ stories though, why bother? Unless it’s from the horses mouth I really don’t want to know that much. I suffer from anxiety anyway and bleeding and dying are my main phobias, so why fucking talk to me about it right before I’m due to have my abdomen cut open to retrieve my child?

Quite frankly I don’t want to head into theatre think “aw well Tina from Lucy’s art class almost died having this done so I better bear that in mind”

Get on..

I kept getting you will never sleep again but from about 2 weeks after he was born it's been does he sleep through the night yet when someone said you will never sleep again to a pregnant friend I just looked at her and said yes you will

I actually agree that there should be more positive birth stories shared to show that it CAN be an empowering experience. That includes when things don't go to plan - a positive birth doesn't have to be whale songs and water (though if that's what the woman wants then that's perfectly within her rights and shouldn't be mocked).

But what we have to remember about the women who come up with the common one liners that have been mentioned here - "I tore in two" "I couldn't walk for a week" "never again" - is that these women often have deep emotional and/or physical pain that they carry with them every day. This is sometimes their only opportunity to say "I went through something very difficult and I need to talk about it". Child birth is the only event where women have major abdominal surgery then within days have to be on their feet with no extra support and an additional responsibility, or where their cries for help are often ignored, or aftercare practically non existent. I think once those things are addressed then the horror stories people love to share will die down.

also had a lot of men giving me their thoughts on birthing pools and how great they are as if they were experts. Made me laugh a lot as they were trying to be supportive but last time I checked it was their wife or girlfriend that used it not them

I can say from having two babies ,it's the most amazing and very lucky position to have become a mother
Both of mine were IVF(my ex husband fired blanks)and I always knew I was born to be a mother
Yes,both labours and the early days were very different as are my children and parenting has been a breeze 99% of the time
They are both my biggest achievement and you're about to begin the most exciting new venture
When people say the years fly by it's true-bedtime always came around too quickly just as them starting school did
Enjoy every minute with your new bundle of joy

For everyone saying the women is just talking about her experience, that isn't what this thread is about. If a friend is confiding in me about parenting troubles she is having, or telling me about her birth that's obviously fine. Or if it comes up in conversation, "yes I had quite a tough time actually, what happened was..." that's fine.

Its the sense of glee that is unnecessary. Sorry but someone saying "you are pregnant? Ha ha ha you are such an idiot! You'll never sleep again! Life is over!" isn't unburdening themselves about a traumatic experience. They are just being a dick.

For example, when I was pregnant, a male friend with no children responded to my news by acting out my future labour, complete with loud screaming. When I said actually I'd be having a cs, he went on to describe all the "massive knives [they'd] be using to slash [me] open". Was he just unburdening himself (of what)? Helping me in case I, an educated 34 year old women, didn't know what a cs was?

First time mum to a seven month old and corporate lawyer by trade with v difficult hours

Hard doesn’t meAn awful

Being mum is the hardest thing I’ve done bar none - even more than working 80 hour weeks for six weeks - but that doesn’t mean it’s been awful at all!

It’s been the most rewarding and wonderful thing too - a challenge that’s worth it

I suffered quite a few of the standard issues - bad birth, feeding issues, waking up every two hours. But I’m on the other side of the fourth trimester and I don’t regret anything for a moment

My sleep deprivation at work - working until 3am most nights - isn’t the same as with a baby - because I have to wake when the baby wakes and my whole life is at her whim - I’m no longer in control of my life and that’s what I found hard to adjust to

But again it’s worth it

My piece of advice is: It’s just about survival at the beginning and don’t feel like you should be feeling a certain way

All the best

Berwick I've had more than my share of traumatic life experiences, but still think there is a time and a place to share them.

Just read this (but haven't had time to read the whole thread!) I am pregnant after a brutal round of IVF. My best friend just had her baby when I started and she said being pregnant and having a baby will be the hardest thing I ever did, obviously not remembering that time my husband was in a coma for almost a month, woke up and didn't know who I was for a year...

But people say silly things, about all kinds of situations and it's usually not to be unkind. It's often to fill a gap, they are repeating what they heard, or perhaps they are talking about their experiences. I am so happy to be pregnant, no one is going to convince me of anything but the relief and joy I feel right now.

Don't take it personally and do your thing : )

I'm a gp and still get people trying to educate me on childbirth and nor. Al neonatal behaviour and my expected quality of sleep / liklihood of PND etc. I've started just responding really honestly to people... Eg "I know it's going to mean big changes and be hard work, and I know child birth can go wrong (I mean as a Dr you only attend the births that have something a little not straightforward going down) but I've wanted this for a while and I wish more peoole could be happy for me. All this negativity is starting to get to me"

Last person I said that to was my dad's sister who never had or wanted kids and enjoys a life of exciting boyfriends and travelling the world. She tok a step back and said (slight paraphrasing as she had a glass of vino or two) "I'm really sorry, I couldn't thi k of anything worse than living in the countryside and having a baby, but I guess you probably feel the same about not having a home and roots to put down"

@Thoughtlessinengland thank you for sharing the story about the woman you counselled. It's really opened my eyes and made me think about other people's births a different way. One time a colleague-friend of mine told me a bit about her difficult births (before I was PG but I was TTC, I TTC'd for years) and I think/hope I was compassionate, i mean I didn't interrupt or say much except make sympathetic noises and nod sadly, but I remember I was thinking the whole time about myself, gosh what if that happened to me, I must tell my DH these details to prepare him too, etc etc. I wasnt totally thinking about her and how it had affected her. If the topic ever comes up again, I'd feel differently. Thank you 💛

I wish I’d had more practical/ realistic comments tbh. ‘If you’re relaxed your baby will be relaxed’ is one that particularly makes me laugh now. My baby cried all day everyday for about a year and most definitely was not relaxed. We drove ourselves mad trying to work our what was wrong with her!

Absolute light of my life though and I wouldn’t change her.

Just nod and smile OP. You’ll laugh at this thread one day too and will probably be guilty of making the odd negative comment to non parents at some point.

I've always said, 'meh, we'll see, shall we?' And lo and behold, DD and DS slept through at 3 months and I cope really well for a while on 6 hours of broken sleep. No problem.

So, when we talked about a third baby with my midwife quite soon after DS as she was going on retirement soon, and she came with 'Three children is quite a lot, you know. Two, yes, but three!' Says a woman who was one of 8 or 9... I said, 'Yes and babies shouldn't sleep, should puke, should cry all the time etcetera, etcetera, yet it's all not true.' That shut her up.

There seems to be some sort of contagious illness that when around pregnant or new mums, even usually the most kindest of people (never mind strangers) can become the most thoughtless of shits. How about keep those useless completely non-helpful comments to themselves and instead offer their help, even if it's just a wee cuppa.

I have a few thoughts about this. I’m recently married and also pushing 40 so my fertility is Fair Game for discussion... I’ve had ‘you need to get on with it’ ‘you’d better start trying now, you’ve only got a low chance of conceiving and the baby will possibly have abnormalities’; ‘you will never sleep again if you have one, you won’t know what’s hit you’ ‘won’t be able to go off on work trips if you have kids’ etc etc...

None of this is solicited. Through my job I know about fertility and abnormalities and percentages and newborns and that yes, bad things happen but that yes, people come back for more.

So how is it helpful to say that it ruins your life, that you will regret it etc?

Also- if someone chooses, unsolicited, to share their horror story in a way that is designed to shut down positivity it isn’t them ‘debriefing their story’. Random pregnant women are not your counsellor and nor should they be expected to be. A friend discussing her experience in a balanced sensitive way is one thing but Mrs Random in the co op telling you gleefully that her sex life was ruined is not asked for, probably isn’t true if she’s offering it up gleefully to a stranger and if it IS true is hardly going to help her, because at the end of the day upsetting someone else rarely makes you feel better.

That’s not to say that people shouldn’t discuss the hard bits. But please don’t forget the bit where you actually enjoy your babies because sometimes that bit gets lost in the telling. That’s what I get from the OP.

And lo and behold, DD and DS slept through at 3 months and I cope really well for a while on 6 hours of broken sleep. No problem.

And this shows? That you had an ok time with it. And that various people might too. It shows little else. Countless others genuinely struggle. Through no fault of their own. Reacting to others’ narratives with compassion rather than dismissal is a basic human thing to do. I’m currently 37 weeks with DC2, after a textbook DC1 birth etc. I’m hearing lots about how difficult the move from 1-2 is going to get, how labour with no 2 can be quicker and hence cause injuries. I’m neither getting bored nor flustered. I haven’t walked in these people’s shoes yet, if my experience in January is excellent then great I’ll be lucky. If not then I will be unlucky and a bit wiser. But it isn’t leading me to either panic or dismiss these words as doommongering or somehow invalid.

Whoawhoawhoa, the point of the thread was exactly the fact that people seem to like revelling in their own perceived misfortune.

I never said I didn't feel lucky or anything, I only said I got exactly the same doom scenarios and they didn't come true at all.

I was apprehensive about 1 to 2 too. It wasn't nearly as bad as from 0 to 1.

Now untwist your knickers.