bored of all the negative comments whenever anyone gets pregnant.

[SexlessBoulderBelly]

I’ve just commented on a post and it got me think and would be interested to hear other peoples views or what comments they had that even though may be true makes you roll your eyes and think shut up, you’re not telling me anything I don’t already know

Comments like:
“no one is ever ready for a baby”
“you don’t know what’s coming”
“it’s really hard work you have no idea”
“you don’t know how hard it is until she’s here”
“You will never sleep again!”
“You have this commitment for at least the next 18 years”
“It’s got to be really, REALLY hard!”

The “no one is ever ready for a baby” thing really sets me off, I think it’s because it’s usually followed on from something like “how do you think you will cope with a baby?” - I’ve grew up from a very young age changing nappies, holding, feeding, soothing baby’s that have come into the family, I can confidently do it for other people’s children... yes it will be nerve wracking with my own child because I won’t be giving them back when they’re fed up or just tired, but why do people feel the need to tell me it’s not the same as talk to me as if I haven’t already known that the child inside me is my responsibility.

I think the negativity and general mindset that new mothers are shit for brains who need telling it’s going to be hard as if they don’t already know there’s a big change coming, just makes us question ourselves, why would you want to do that to someone?

I’m a quite strong willed and ahem.. stubborn.. person so I tend to roll my eyes and laugh it off. But after a post I’ve just read I’ve starting question why it’s ok to make a new pregnant mother even more nervous than she already is, why purposefully torment someone into thinking they cant do it.

Why can people say positive things.. or if they’re going to tell us it’s really hard work and how on earth shall we cope?!... offer to bloody help

I just needed a 5am hormonal rant.

Let me know what comments you have that just made you think shut up!

Congratulations, op. Your baby will be the best thing that’s ever happened to you. The love I feel for my son is unreal. Nevertheless, I found the bad advice/negativity useful because it wasn’t as bad as I thought it’d be (and my son doesn’t sleep at 12months still). Don’t get me wrong, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I think it’s hard to conceive that the tiredness and never ending needs go on and on and on. After 12 months I feel more worn down and knackered than I did a few months after he was born. It’s a marathon not a sprint with parenting. I think most people want to warn you of that but go about it in a bad way. It gets easier then harder...then easier- then they go through a different phase and it gets harder! I just avoid giving unsolicited advice because every new parent finds out fairly quickly and it’s pointless and patronising. I think people should just allow women to enjoy their pregnancy (mind you I hated being pregnant).

I’ve honestly never heard anyone say any of the phrases in the OP but I do have many, many friends who feel that they were never really prepared for how hard early parenthood could be, and who felt like failures when they did encounter challenges. There’s a balance between honesty and the kind of unpleasant negativity that OP describes.

This, however:

"Sorry you didn't enjoy your experience of being a parent"

is a really nasty, hateful thing to say. Don’t ever say this to someone in real life.

Esteban What else should you say to someone who is telling you that you'd be an idiot to have children, that they ruin your life and that you should be thankful you don't have a family... all while they pregnant with their second or third child?

I would remove myself from the conversation and have as little as possible to do with them from then on. I would wonder what on earth had happened to them to make them feel it was acceptable to say that and I would conclude that it said far more about them than about me.

No-one wins when you descend to the level of such nastiness.

I dunno I'd hope it would make them see how stupid and hurtful their comments are so we could carry on being friends rather than just cutting them off.

They are just preparing you because most people have no idea what being a mother is like till they have that baby, I certainly didn’t. It consumes your entire life but it’s totally worth it

Love this post! Those comments really get to me! I’m currently 30 years old and pregnant with my first baby.
It’s scary enough when you’ve had the whole of your twenties going on lovely holidays and partying and generally having fun, and then giving up your freedom to have a child it’s obviously going to be a change. And then people have to come along with their negative comments and put a downer on the whole thing!
The people who say ‘you will never sleep again’, or ‘you don’t know tiredness till you’re a parent’.....maybe I don’t, but I’ve done shift work and worked 60 hours a week for most of my twenties. I used to finish a long shift at 11pm, be asleep by midnight and then my alarm would go off for my next long shift at 4am. So I’m pretty sure if I can do long and very busy customer facing shifts on my feet on 4 hours sleep, I can handle getting up a few times in the night for my baby especially whilst on maternity leave from work 🤣

I just wish people would be more positive to first time mums rather than trying to make out it’s the worst, most soul destroying job in the world!

The stark contrast on this thread between people with kids/first time pregnant women and those on the other side is now starker than ever. :)

This is really interesting as I come from the culture that is, in my opinion, overly positive about the whole experience (pregnancy and early parenthood). It is all butterflies and flowers, rosy hearts and balloons if you listen to members of my family and friends from back home. It got me really depressed at one point during pregnancy because I thought that I was a wile, awful person struggling so much with the pregnancy and not enjoying it at all. Add to this that it took me 6y of TTC to actually get pregnant and keep the pregnancy, and you get one very guilty mess. The delivery was probably the worst part of it - if you listened to my lot back home - it was walk in the park, and you'd forget everything in each case, literally the moment they bring you your baby. Well, I had pre-eclampsia, emergency c-section, kidney infection and was in tremendous pain. Of course I adore my little bundle of joy and would give my life for her and would gladly suffer it all again just to have her - but to say it was an enjoyable process of getting to the moment of holding her in my arms would be a lie.

I guess neither approach does us any favours. Its some sort of balance between the two that we should aim for. I really liked the approach shared by someone at the beginning of this thread ' don't lie but add something positive to every negative you share'. Good luck!

Yeah I had quite a few of those first time round. Here's a good comeback for you "Oh I just figure it can't be that bad, or else no one would ever have more than one child". Especially said pointedly to someone with more than one child!

Oh yeah and I also had chronic insomnia for years OP and was surviving on 2 hours sleep most nights. Now i have an 18 month old and I'm pregnant, and although I'm often still up several times a night with toddler (or needing to pee!), the sleep I get in between is so much deeper and more refreshing!

Yes , there is so much negativity, I found in British culture, such a focus on the sleepless nights , the exhaustion , the birth. . It put me off even thinking of doing it for years. Had my baby at 38 and spent most of the time thinking -this is amazing, why don’t people share how great this experience is. I Loved having a baby and woke up excited to see her everyday . I do wish people had shared the good bits as I’d love to have started younger and been able to have more children .
Now I find it hard to listen to people complaining how hard life is with their multiple children .

@metalkprettyoneday
It is nice to hear someone say they enjoyed having a baby because everyone keeps telling me how shit it's going to make me feel.
I'm sure people are just trying to make first time mums prepared but I think there is an element of scaremongering.

Exactly thoughtless :) but what do we know, eh? ;)

Mine are older teens now, but I still remember how much the doom and gloom club used to piss me off.

Ime, it meant they found it hard, therefore everyone else was delusional if they didn't also plan to be overwhelmed.

Often people that hadn't really ever had much responsibility before being parents, or that had gone ott with preparation, reading all the books and theories etc and then struggled when reality didn't live up to their expectations.

A very small number had genuine reasons to find it harder than usual, eg pnd, unhealthy baby etc. But for the most part I found that group were more honest about why they personally found it hard, rather than trying to imply everyone faces the same difficulties.

The youngest is now 16 and it's only recently people have stopped telling me how much harder the next stage is and I won't know what's hit me.

@SexlessBoulderBelly

I find it odd too and nobody believes me when I say that I don't find it hard at all (FTM with a 4 month old and a diagnosis of PND...). I'm no more sleep deprived than when I was working and it's much easier to get up and play with a baby all day than have to work. I get bored at times but that's about it really. Maybe I had very low expectations going in to parenthood!

I believe you and agree entirely! Our little boy is 4 months old too and obviously it's been difficult at times but we've always found it's best to just deal with things as they happen rather than trying to plan for every negative scenario others have warned you about.

OH MY WORD YES!
My partner and I got “they don’t know what’s about to hit them” so so many times.
Erm yes we do, we are adults and know exactly what we are getting ourselves into.

I wonder how many of the expectant mums on this thread will be posting here in 5+ years time with a hollow laugh...

@VeryMerryChristmas

Because of the awful time we're about to have? Yes, we've heard!

No, just because with each phase of parenthood comes a different perspective.

As I said previously, I personally choose not to lumber expectant parents with my baggage. It’s not fair and I love the excitement of pregnancy and the little bubble you wrap yourself in (rightly so!).

But years down the line you WILL laugh/groan/cringe at yourself and your notions. It’s a rite of passage. Nothing can prepare you. Sorry!

You can tell who’s pregnant and who’s not... those who already have children came here during the day to comment on how awful it is, and now the pregnant ladies in agreement are here in the late hours agreeing with me. What a contrast!😂 I have enjoyed reading the comments, even the ones that continue to tell us that’s it’s awful.. I don’t mind a bit of a debate and certainly didn’t expect everyone to agree. But I’m also glad I’m not the only one to notice the same phrases over and over again.

Very good point to those who made them about directly cutting off the negative comments, I don’t want any un-necessary drama or fallings out but it might be about time to practice putting my foot down to certain bullshite as I can imagine I’m in for a ride when it comes to opinions on the actual parenting side of things.

Can’t get chapped nipples out of my mind though. Ouch.

First time pregnant lady here.

Yes really gets on my very sensitive tits too. All my close friends are overall positive and realistic but a lot of work colleagues are full of "oh god why would you have a baby" etc.
Another one that pisses me off is being told people's traumatic birth stories when they realise I'm pregnant....I am not in any doubt of the sheer agony of childbirth but I really don't feel hearing every detail of someone's childbirth is really necessary.
Being pregnant is a senstive time where you feel all sorts of new emotions anyway, having the fear of God put into you too really doesn't help!!!

@ chapped nipples. That was a cruel comment!

Although in hindsight, assuming Id happily breastfeed for a year and coming from a family of successful extended breast feeders, it was a hideous shock to have feeding issues. I sort of wish someone had said somewhere after the birth of my first child at least (maybe not when expecting) that it can be hard, painful and soul destroying at furst.

It's also a case that every child is different. My neighbour and I both had our babies within a few weeks of eachother. While mine was waking up every single hour throughout the night for the first 10 months, hers was sleeping through the night after 8 weeks! It really just does depend, but I think people love going on about the sleepless nights even if they didn't experience them themselves.

Absolutely NO to telling first time pregnant traumatic birth stories though! Completely unfair and unnecessary