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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Am I rude for not wanting my boyfriends parents at my scan?

134 replies

Aliyah30 · 17/12/2019 15:29

Me and my boyfriend have been together for a while now and I recently found out that I’m 7 weeks pregnant. I only officially met his parents 3 months ago and I have a scan next week. He’s asked me can his mom come in the room while I have an internal scan done, I said yes. But I’m starting to regret saying yes, it’s not that I have anything against his family, I’d just prefer it if it was my family in there rather than his. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

StealthMama · 17/12/2019 22:51

I've known my mil for 13 years and love her to bits, but still wouldn't have got there for an internal. It would be like bringing someone along for a smear.

Plus, it's so early, if there was any bad news I would want just me and dh to be there to
Deal with it. I assume you may have had bad news before hence the early scans. You've only known this woman for 3 months....

dreichXmas · 18/12/2019 01:17

No, the word you are looking for is no.
MIL some how ended up with us when I went into emergency labour and had a midwife's hand thrust firmly up my vagina.
She didn't want to see that, it was accidental really, she had never intruded on scans.
Start saying no.

Original poster

Aliyah30 · 18/12/2019 01:39

I sent her a text today explain that I have no problem with her coming to the external, but not the internal. She gave a little bit of attitude but she’s going to have to deal with it.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/12/2019 01:46

She gave a little bit of attitude

I'd be knocking that on the head right away. Boundaries right now or you will have issues that just get bigger and bigger.

DecemberSnow · 18/12/2019 01:57

I have to stick up for yourself otherwise she will try to control you.

Hell, no. I wouldnt be allowing for external either!!

whiskersonkittenss · 18/12/2019 02:03

The attitude would mean she was uninvited to any of my future scans tbh. If you've only just met her and she's already like this

Longdistance · 18/12/2019 02:06

No, you’re not rude.

It’s a scan, not a fucking birthday party.

PerspicaciaTick · 18/12/2019 02:09

Ask your BF how he would feel about your mum watching him have a prostate exam.

CoolCarrie · 18/12/2019 02:27

Very odd behaviour all round I think, you’ve only known them three months, hardly enough time to remember their names never mind letting them see your bits.

MrsFoxPlus4Again · 18/12/2019 02:30

Weird behaviour all round, set boundaries before she thinks she’s vagina end during the delivery

Equanimitas · 18/12/2019 08:00

Ask her if she'd really like you spectating whilst she had an internal examination.

Cacaca · 18/12/2019 08:12

To be honest, I think even the staff performing the scan would be uncomfortable with this. When I had an internal, I had 2 staff there and they were so concerned with making sure I was comfortable and keeping me as dignified as they could that I really don’t think they would have been comfortable with anyone else being in the room.

Selfsettling3 · 18/12/2019 08:14

No way. It’s a intimate private medical appointment. Would you ask to go to FIL prostrate exam? No, that’s because it’s a private intimate medical appointment.

CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 18/12/2019 08:23

She gave a little bit of attitude

How on earth can she have an attitude? Surely anyone could understand you not wanting to share your nether regions with virtual strangers?

Is your BF their only child? I sense a proprietal ownership tone from the mother already. I'd not have her at any scans for her attitude. Give her the scan photos like normal people. I cannot imagine ever wanting to do this to my DS GF. ..just no.

If she's coming on this heavy at this early stage, you can guarantee she'll want to stay in the visitors area of the maternity suite when you give birth or even be present!

Then she'll be offering to help assist you latch your baby on while breastfeeding

And if you think I'm being over the top, my friends MIL tried that shit and made her feel crap for not managing BF properly (she did fine...after her husband intervened when she collapsed in tears)

Don't let yourself be bossed around just because it's you and BF first baby!

Clangus00 · 18/12/2019 08:27

Is she having an attitude because you had your mum at the other scan?
She’s already trying to play one-upmanship!
That’s not on.

Charles11 · 18/12/2019 08:32

Definitely knock that on the head.
It’s an intimate procedure. Who would want spectators for that?
She doesn’t have access to your personal space and dignity.
Keep your boundaries strong with her as she’s not respecting yours.

Charles11 · 18/12/2019 08:34

Having your mum there is entirely different. What is there to not understand about that?

kikibo · 18/12/2019 11:24

Hell no. I don't even have DH there for internals. They're private between my ob and me. Even though I know my ob, which makes it slightly more comfortable than with someone you haven't seen before, it's still embarrassing enough not to have another person watching the whole thing.
Mothers and MILs are definitely out.

GrumpyHoonMain · 18/12/2019 11:37

I think you created this issue by having your mum come to the previous internal scan. I don’t really get why you would want your mum at the first scan - it is such a special moment for the parents and I think you cheapened it by including her. In this situation the only fair thing you can do is book a private abdominal scan (try a 4D or 3D scan) and invite both your mum and his.

C8H10N4O2 · 18/12/2019 12:06

The patient (ie you) gets to determine who accompanies them to any medical procedure or supports you when you need it.

It doesn't matter if you choose, your DM, best friend, dog walker - its the patient who gets to choose what they need and anyone having a hissy fit will have to deal with it.

You are not a cake which has to be shared amongst squabbling children.

SandAndSea · 18/12/2019 12:13

She gave a little bit of attitude

This is very telling. (The whole thing is weird but the attitude tells you even more.)

Boundaries are your friend.

MrsFoxPlus4Again · 18/12/2019 13:09

I don’t think the situation is cheapend by wanting your own mum at an internal scan. I’m assuming maybe there’s been problems. Some people like a support system and in the situation of your own actual health your support trumps the support a partner or nosey mother in law might want.

Honeybee85 · 18/12/2019 13:13

It’s a medical procedure, you are absolutely not wrong to want your mum in there but not them.
It’s your body and your right to choose, you don’t owe anyone access to your private medical events under any circumstances.

Please don’t feel pressured about it.

CrimsonCattery · 18/12/2019 15:20

What? Attitude??

YADNBU.

GlamGiraffe · 18/12/2019 15:26

Does his mother realise it's the pokey stick with a condom on and not the thing they slide on your stomach to magically see a baby? I think she needs a graphic explanation with diagrams

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