MIL keeps saying my arse has grown

[tryagain20]

I need a reality check. MIL keeps mentioning how my bottom has grown since I've become pregnant and how it's clear I'm having a girl since my the weight has gone into my bottom.

She also commented on how huge my bump is and how the baby clothes she bought will not fit my baby as I'm going to have a massive baby.

Neither my bottom or my bump has grown since the last time I saw her a few weeks ago. I use a tape measurer every day. My bump has not grown in circumference for 4 weeks, neither have my hips.

I've been crying my eyes out this evening and really worried my baby is huge and that I'm generally huge and something is wrong.

Am I being overly sensitive ?

@Babdoc ha ha that's so good. I need to get some courage to just stand up for myself more!

You need to assertively and calmly pull her up every time she makes such a comment.

If you try and be joky or smart she can turn that back on you or simply see that as a cue to ramp things up.

“That comment was rude and unkind. Please don’t make any such comments again”

“That comment was offensive and unnecessary and clearly meant to be so. Don’t make comments like that”

Don’t lose the temper or cry in front of her, I KNOW that’s hard but it will play right into her hands.

Be prepared and determined in your own mind to walk away from her too, and saying WHY you’re walking away.

“I won’t listen to such comments”

“I don’t deserve those comments and I won’t stay to listen to them”

Also you really need to have a word with dh.

He should have your back ESPECIALLY now.

Sit him down and say to him that if he’s any kind of decent husband and father he will have your back, he will stand up for you at this vulnerable time, and he will make it clear to his mother that such comments won’t be tolerated by either of you.

Quite honestly (and I may get flamed for this) he needs to be more wary of upsetting you than upsetting her!

I haven’t had a mil like this but I have had people in my life like this. Where possible I take nothing more to do with them but where that’s not possible I have learned over the years that the above approach is best and most effective.

My mum did have such a mil (lovely gran, nightmare mil) things came to a head at one point and my mum, THE most mild mannered person EVER took my dad to task who then spoke to gran. Things improved but I don’t think they were necessarily “easy” though strangely when gran got older and started to need more care mum was one of the few people she really trusted and wanted to help her. Funny how things turn out, and they actually grew quite close.

The fact that your husband joins in is really concerning. Worse than a horrible MIL.
I’d plan what you want to say and have a proper sit down talk with him, as soon as possible. You need him to be on-side before your baby arrives. May be read a bit more about gaslighting first, and be really clear about what you expect from him, eg no colluding with his mum’s taunting, him shutting his mum down when she starts. Plus work out how much contact you’ll allow with his mum.
everydayfeminism.com/2015/08/things-wish-known-gaslighting/

@Graphista I will try that. Thank you so much. It's very clear. I have never cried in front of her. But I do lose my temper a bit. I've never really stood up to her in the way you describe though.

As for my husband - absolutely. He should be worried about me being upset and not her. I just hate being brushed aside as irrational. He's really not been supportive enough I think. She's a bit of a tyrant and I'm a bit softer, so I think it's easier to just brush everything off as me being ' too sensitive and overly emotional / irrational ' rather than looking at the facts and seeing the behaviour for what it is.

He just says she doesn't mean it and it's also a cultural difference between us. I've tried to get support from the siblings before when things really blew up and explained the ways that I've been hurt- and asked why no one ever steps in - they all just said she doesn't mean what she says.. I would never let my own mother say stuff like that to my sister in law. I will publicly pull her up on it if I think she's overstepping with her. I also always defend my sis in law if my mum says I stuff behind her back. No one does this for me. LOL.

Also, why is he doing this? That’s a question for him, not you, btw. But it makes me wonder how he behaves towards you in the rest of your relationship.

Everything @Graphista said.

I look huge in pregnancy. I have a short torso and I’m only 5’3” so there’s nowhere for baby to go but out. I constantly had comments of ‘are you sure you’re due in 3 months time and not now?’ 🙄. My bum definitely grew too, but tbh I liked the balance to my giant bump. And my baby wasn’t huge at 6lb 7oz, although she was 3 weeks early so maybe would have been if she’d stayed in for longer!

I’m also incredibly sensitive even when not pregnant, especially when sleep deprived. My family love to wind me up because I react to it, so you need to call her out on it and nip it in the bud now or it’ll just get worse. And yes, you must have a serious conversation with your dh that her behaviour is unacceptable.

@AuntyElle I feel like they're both gaslighting me lol. The worst thing is that my husband makes me feel guilty about it when I get upset. ' Every time we see her you always have something to complain about ' 'she doesn't mean it, you just need to get over it ' ' it's not mean what she said, she's just making conversation and she doesn't get it ' ' it's annoying that you're always complaining ' ' I don't understand women, they're so bitchy ' ' this time you're really overreacting, I just don't get what's so bad about her saying that ' to name a few...

@AuntyElle why is he doing this ? I honestly think he thinks I'm too sensitive too. I think he really just does not get it! This evening when I went to tell him what was said he was actually pretty annoyed at first- with me, for getting upset. It actually really sucks. It's like he's trying to silence me by reacting badly when I bring things up. So one day, I'll just not say anything and accept whatever is thrown my way by her- without bothering him about trivial things. He thinks it's all just trivial and meaningless stuff.

Your husband is an arsehole.

How long have you been together? You have a 'D'H problem.

I feel like they're both gaslighting me lol
They are, and I don’t know why you’d laugh about it...They sound awful.

@Aveisenim we've been together for around 10 years. I would even go as far as saying that it's accepted that I should take at least 50 percent of the blame for the rude behaviour coming from her. As in, my reaction to it is the main problem - if you ask him. It's pretty tough. I must say. I spend my time constantly soul searching to understand how I can change to not take things personally / not be so sensitive. I'm on highest alert when I'm near her and always try to stay calm and cool but it's really difficult. I would say that I believe I'm part of the problem. Maybe I am. I talk to my mum about it all the time and she also tells me that I'm too much and that I am too sensitive towards MIL. But usually when I explain more, she understands. I also think my mum wants us to have a good relationship, so she tries to keep the peace. MIL has even gone to my mum to complain about how she's afraid to talk to me and I always take everything personally / am too sensitive. Maybe it is me and a cultural difference between my MIL and I. 🤷‍♀️

But I meant that you need to ask him why he is undermining you, OP. Put the responsibility to explain his awful behaviour on to him. On a deeper level than “she doesn’t mean it”. That’s just opting out of supporting you as his wife.

But read a bit more about the dynamics yourself first. eg article posted above, plus this gets recommended a lot on here: www.goodreads.com/book/show/224552.Why_Does_He_Do_That_
I worry that his behaviour will get even worse after your baby arrives.

@RichTwoTurkeyFriend yeah you're right, it's not funny ! 🤦‍♀️

You’re in a web of people undermining and gaslighting you, OP, when they should be supporting you. Especially now when you are especially vulnerable. If you can work with a therapist to unpick it, then do! Nothing you’ve written here suggests that you’re over-sensitive. But it does sound like you are taking some blame for others’ cruel behaviour onto yourself. And that’s not healthy.

@AuntyElle I just bought the book. Thanks for the recommendation.

I will put him on the spot a bit more tomorrow. When he saw how much I was crying, he actually got really angry with his mum for saying what she said. He will definitely tell her to stop making comments I think. But that doesn't get away from the fact that he undermines me when I get upset about what she does. He should believe that my upset is always valid and support me. He should not always tell me that she doesn't mean it and that I should get over silly things.

@AuntyElle yeah I think so. I've had a lot of therapy in the past and it's a good idea to go back as I'm stuck in a cycle. I think people don't even realise they're gaslighting. They have their own reasons for doing it. Thank you for your kind words and perspective.

Absolutely. And her intention is irrelevant really. She repeatedly causes you serious upset and pain. Whether she “means to” or not, she needs to stop. But most importantly your husband needs to take you seriously and respect your responses, as you say.

Great that you’ve ordered the book already! Don’t worry too much about others’ reasons and internal thoughts - it can be a distraction from focusing on what you want and need. For yourself and your baby.

Have you seen this? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

Wait til she starts criticizing your parenting! I’d be concerned about the nursery at her house, she’ll be expecting access all the time. There no need for her to buy anything for her home unless specified arrangements hav been made

@AuntyElle that's a great post ! Thank you for sharing.

@GreenTulips yup my thoughts exactly ! I don't understand why she needs a nursery. I'm not bringing my baby there overnight etc. It's going to all be a huge nightmare - I already know it. She's going to eat me for breakfast and I have to get through to my husband- he needs to 100 percent support me, every single time. Otherwise this won't work. She also said she didn't want to get a puppy because the baby is coming. I had to remind her that it's not her baby and that the baby won't be living with her. The baby is my problem. Everyone flinched a bit when I said it. But come on !

Right! You need to practice the following

Repeat everything nasty back to her - this will stump her because it is now her turn to speak and she won’t have an answer ready

MIL - Your bottoms got bigger
You - My bottoms got bigger? - wait for an answer -

She will hear how her statement sounded and will fluster an answer - makes her feel awkward

Try it on your DH a few times without telling him and see the reaction

As for complaining to DH - don’t make it about MIL - make it about you ‘I’m upset because’ ‘I’m angry because’ ‘I feel x when...’

So you aren’t criticizing his mother but making him think about you instead

@GreenTulips that's very clever ! I am going to try that. I did it to her this evening already but I didn't know I was doing it.

She pointed to her hips and said that I got bigger. I said ' are you saying that my bum has grown again ? ' she was definitely flustered. Then I said: ' you've told me 4 times, I would rather you didn't ! ' but it was all jokingly. Next time I need to do it in a serious way. Very good tactic.

I'd go with the Mumsnet favourite of "do you mean to be so rude?"

It's never ok to make those sorts of comments about another persons body, pregnant or not.