Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

35, pregnant to a man I can't stand. What have I done.

130 replies

Ruby127 · 06/08/2019 07:10

Please help...
I'm 35 and am pregnant to a man I had been seeing for two months. I don't love him, it was a 'fling'. And here we are.
I was initially happy and kept the news to myself. Since I told the father, another week has passed and he's already making life a nightmare.
I knew we were "different: but his views are what I consider... extreme. He doesn't work / refuses to because he's an "artist" (no income generating art, though, so on benefits). He doesn't believe in washing clothes often (only found this out last week). He complained because I wouldn't let him eat week-old pizza that I was throwing out - only in fridge to not rot in the bin. He also asked if he could have my milk which was on the turn... He rants at me about leftist ideologies and philosophies instead of anything practical about how we would co-parent a kid.

Basically, he disgusts me, more so now I'm pregnant. I am ashamed that I've put gotten in this situation.
BUT... I am 35 and had an abortion at 27 which left me traumatised. I grieved for that baby. I wanted it, but was guided by my parents and others telling me not to have it. I was too scared.
With this, I feel more ready and capable to parent but I am SO anxious about attaching myself to this man for the next 18+ years. My brain has even gone so far to wonder if I'll dislike the child if it's like him. I feel awful for that, but it's true.

He has said he wants to be "involved", but I have no real indication yet of what this will look like in reality.
Should I be considering an abortion because I can't stand the man, even though a big part of me wants the baby?

OP posts:
pepperpot99 · 06/08/2019 07:14

Apart from the fact that he sounds like a complete tosser, his dreadful hygiene would no doubt put any baby's health at great risk.....not washing is not a political statement, it's just an attempt to justify being a filthy lazy twat Hmm.

If you want to have this baby you can - you don't have to let him be involved. I would ditch him and think seriously about your choices here.

gearandloathing · 06/08/2019 07:15

Can you choose to be a single mum?

Banangana · 06/08/2019 07:15

If you want to have this baby you can - you don't have to let him be involved.

If he pursues the matter in court she'll have no choice.

Berthatydfil · 06/08/2019 07:20

You will be closely linked with this man for 18 years and he will be in your life to some extent forever.
Ask yourself if you can cope with that.

Jaffacakebeast · 06/08/2019 07:21

He’ll have a chore chasing op for access through the court and winning if he’s on jsa :/ sounds like an absolute deadbeat who’ll probs send the odd birthday card. If he was abusive or mentally unstable I definitely wouldn’t want to be tied to him, but scruffy and a loser 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

confusedandemployed · 06/08/2019 07:23

My thoughts are running along the same lines as @Berthartydfil

I had a termination at 35 because I couldn't face being tied to the father forever. 10 years on I'm still certain it was the right decision.

M0RVEN · 06/08/2019 07:24

Sometimes children turn out exactly like their parents. Biology can be a bugger.

cranstonmanor · 06/08/2019 07:24

Ditch, block, move. Do it alone, it sounds like you want to keep this baby.

ShippingNews · 06/08/2019 07:24

It's not just 18 years - it's for your entire life. It's up to you if you can stand to have this lazy dirty twat in your life forever. I couldn't do it, but it's a choice you need to make pretty soon OP. Good luck.

Nearlyfriyay987654 · 06/08/2019 07:26

@Ruby127 do you want a baby Op? That is what it comes down too.... you said that you’ve previously had an abortion.... at 35 will another chance come a long anytime soon?

He’s an ‘artist’ with no income so I would consider that you will be doing this alone with no financial support from him, nor emotional by the sounds of it? If you are up for that then go for it. If he leads such a flakey lifestyle Id imagine his attitude to contact is the same.

Take a step back from the bad points of him, as you must have seen something good in him to start a relationship??

Teachermaths · 06/08/2019 07:31

Treat the situation like you'll be raising baby alone. Any input from him is likely to make life more difficult.

On that basis decide whether you want the baby.

Banangana · 06/08/2019 07:32

And if she does manage to get rid of him and raise the baby alone, what will the child think when they realise that their mother has denied them a relationship with their father because he's unemployed and dirty?

isthismylifenow · 06/08/2019 07:32

Ruby, this is not an easy position to be in.

If you keep the baby you will have a tie to this man, the baby is his and he does have the right to be involved in the child's life. Whether he chooses to or not, but you don't really know now if that is the case or not.
It doesn't sound like you will get much support financially, so are you able to raise a child alone?

I am sorry to hear about your previous experience and can only imagine how traumatic it was. It sounds like the previous termination wasn't fully your choice. Do your family know yet, if not, do you expect the same response from them this time?

This has to be your decision though. You can ask advise, but you do not have to take it once you have weighed up all the options.

MhysaMhysa · 06/08/2019 07:37

Surprised at pps saying to do it alone. Even abusive fathers get to see their children and I'm pretty sure legal aid applies to people on Jsa? I don't think a court will take- doesn't wash and eats old pizza, as a valid reason not to see his child.

I think you have to weigh up the pros and cons, of having a child with no father, or with one you despise so much (and I can see why you do) and what you will be able to offer it alone if it does come down to that, but keeping in mind there is a good chance this man could be in your life for a very long time.

Ultimately though it's up to you and you should go with your gut. It's a horrible feeling not knowing what to do, but trust your instinct. Good luck Thanks

growlingbear · 06/08/2019 07:38

Sounds as though you have discovered you would love to have a baby but not with this man. You will be stuck connected to someone who disgusts you for the rest of your life if you have this child, and there is a chance the child would be like him - lazy, with poor hygiene. These could be biological psychological traits and it would be cruel to reject the child for these things.

You have choices. You can move away, have the baby and lose all contact with the man. You can try to get him to sort his life out and stop being such a loser (could be a long, disappointing exercise!) Or you could have an abortion and sort yourself out and aim to get pregnant in a year or so with someone you at least like and respect if not love.

RuffleCrow · 06/08/2019 07:39

You don't have to have him involved. Don't put him on the birth certificate - that will give him parental responsibility and definitely tie you to him forever. Move away if you can. Block him on everything
Trust your instincts if you feel he would be detrimental to your life and that of a child.

On the other hand there's a slim chance he might still track you down and pursue you for access and PR but he would have to prove he's the father amongst other things. Safest bet to get him out of your life is another termination, I'm sorry to say. Wait til you meet the right person - i've been a single mum for 5 years and it's tough - but not as tough as parenting with the wrong man.

IrisAtwood · 06/08/2019 07:50

To those suggesting block and move away: the child will, at some point, ask about their father and will probably seek him out. What kind of story will their father tell them?

This could all blow up and the OP may be blamed by the child for preventing them having a relationship with their father.

OP, I raised my son after a divorce from his physically and emotionally abusive father and it was very, very difficult. He had contact every other weekend and interfered with anything that he could. He hurt my son and tried to turn him against me. I was unable to raise him as I wanted and it was extremely difficult. I wished that I had had my son with someone different..........

zafferana · 06/08/2019 07:54

I wouldn't want to be tied to someone you can't stand for the rest of your life, because that's the reality. All the PPs saying '18 years', it's not just for 18 years. The moment your DC turns 18 this man is not going to get out of your life - he'll be the DC's father forever and he'll be in your life forever. Personally, I'd terminate and go and meet someone else or go it alone, but no way would I want to co-parent with someone like that.

Loopytiles · 06/08/2019 07:56

Do you want to be a parent? Can you handle being a single parent with little or no money from him?

Walkmehome · 06/08/2019 07:57

It doesn’t sound like it’s right for you. You are already questioning your feelings towards an unborn child and your feelings of disgust towards this man are quite extreme.

What’s the position between you? Are you living together/a couple? I know it’s early days but you refer to him in your home.

whiteroseredrose · 06/08/2019 07:58

You will be stuck with him for the rest of your life. It's your choice to go ahead knowing that or to terminate.

Nixen · 06/08/2019 08:00

Having this baby would be a selfish decision IMO. You’ll need to explain to the child one day why you decided they weren’t allowed to have a dad and ‘he wanted to eat old pizza’ won’t cut it. Basically you’ve used this guy as a stud horse. Terminate and then use an actual legal sperm donor if you want to be a parent. Or have the baby but come to terms with the fact he has as much right as you to have that baby in his life, forever

Walkmehome · 06/08/2019 08:02

Yes he will have a right to see his father. What about when your child goes to stay with him in his home overnight? They could be quite young doing that. Would you want this man’s influence in your child’s life?

Marlena1 · 06/08/2019 08:04

Not sure how on earth it could be seen as selfish. Fine, the dad is a dud but is that a reason to end it if you want a baby? Can you afford it? Would you have any support? You can teach a child to wash and not eat cold pizza.

ScreamingValenta · 06/08/2019 08:04

Surely this man will be forced to seek paid employment sooner or later - you're not usually allowed to claim benefits indefinitely on the grounds of being an 'artist'.

Wishing you luck whatever you decide to do, OP.