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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

35, pregnant to a man I can't stand. What have I done.

130 replies

Ruby127 · 06/08/2019 07:10

Please help...
I'm 35 and am pregnant to a man I had been seeing for two months. I don't love him, it was a 'fling'. And here we are.
I was initially happy and kept the news to myself. Since I told the father, another week has passed and he's already making life a nightmare.
I knew we were "different: but his views are what I consider... extreme. He doesn't work / refuses to because he's an "artist" (no income generating art, though, so on benefits). He doesn't believe in washing clothes often (only found this out last week). He complained because I wouldn't let him eat week-old pizza that I was throwing out - only in fridge to not rot in the bin. He also asked if he could have my milk which was on the turn... He rants at me about leftist ideologies and philosophies instead of anything practical about how we would co-parent a kid.

Basically, he disgusts me, more so now I'm pregnant. I am ashamed that I've put gotten in this situation.
BUT... I am 35 and had an abortion at 27 which left me traumatised. I grieved for that baby. I wanted it, but was guided by my parents and others telling me not to have it. I was too scared.
With this, I feel more ready and capable to parent but I am SO anxious about attaching myself to this man for the next 18+ years. My brain has even gone so far to wonder if I'll dislike the child if it's like him. I feel awful for that, but it's true.

He has said he wants to be "involved", but I have no real indication yet of what this will look like in reality.
Should I be considering an abortion because I can't stand the man, even though a big part of me wants the baby?

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 06/08/2019 11:34

OP I had a medical abortion at 21 and never got over it. So when I got pregnant after being raped, I kept my baby.

Babies are innocent and not guilty of anything. You can have genetic traits but you adopt and normalise what you do every day.

I dont truly understand why you told him to be honest, but i would recommend that you check his record through the police under Sarah's law. Then it may be the case that you dont even have to consider his involvement in the child's life.

If a court has already made an order in respect of his eldest the evidence needed to protect yours may be easily available.

Please don't judge an innocent child by the standards of its father, but please also dont have a child you think you will be unable to love fully. There are enough fucked up children suffering that fate already.

M0RVEN · 06/08/2019 11:37

London to Aberdeen and Aberdeen to Lerwick. It’s quite simple .

You see, sometimes you have to change planes because not everywhere is connected to everywhere else by a direct flight. Not everywhere in the Uk is a less than two hour flight from everywhere else.

However I’m not sure how this is helping the OP.

justilou1 · 06/08/2019 11:38

Tell him that you have had a dating scan and you are a few weeks further along than you thought and it can’t possibly be his? (Then move to the other side of the country...)

stucknoue · 06/08/2019 11:45

Can you see yourself parenting solo? If so leave him, move, don't put him on the birth certificate - he would then need to track you down and go to court to get parental rights (which he would get but could he be bothered???) otherwise what about trying to meet a good guy and having a baby with someone you love? We can't really help you but you won't be judged whatever you decide. We all make miscalculations

SunshineCake · 06/08/2019 11:48

Sometimes a child is nothing like their parents.

I'm not.

SunshineCake · 06/08/2019 11:49

This should be all about what is best for the child and not about keeping a baby from its dirty father.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 06/08/2019 12:03

I'm assuming US by the use of cops.

Leleophants · 06/08/2019 12:32

This is very difficult op!! Are you living with him? It's also a lot of stress at once. Can you take some time away from him and talk to abortion counsellor?

Bol87 · 06/08/2019 12:33

One thing to consider is how will you feel if your child grows up to look just like his dad. Not personality but looks. You’ve mentioned you may struggle if the child reminds you of him. A good friend has a daughter from a previous relationship is the spit of her Dad & my friend openly admits sometimes it was hard to see him in her daughter in the early day’s after split (childhood sweethearts & he had an affair when his kid was 4 months old & left her as a single parent at 6 months old Angry ) .. now she loves her daughter & they have as closer relationship as you’ll find so I don’t think it’s a deal breaker but add it into the equation if you genuinely feel concerned about genetics.

JinglingHellsBells · 06/08/2019 13:15

@MORVEN Of course it's simple, if you write the correct words!

You said London to Aberdeen then London to Lerwick. I knew exactly what you meant but it's rather silly to argue over something like this. Of course, flights with changes are going to take more than 2 hrs Hmm

Sorry OP for this sideline but my point was wherever you are, can you access counselling from a specialist clinic?

LoveTheKid · 06/08/2019 13:31

Actually, the OP has every right to decide that this man would do her child more harm than good. He doesn't have any legal rights over her body or over a child he has no parental responsibility for

People were gaily saying "move and block" BEFORE ops first update!
It's nothing to do with his rights over her body or even his responsibilities as a father. It's that children have a right to know both their parents (assuming both want to and it's SAFE, yes obviously)
But you can't just get knocked up accidentally on purpose and delete the father because you don't like him.

virginpinkmartini · 06/08/2019 13:47

Why on earth did you let this man impregnate you when you knew that he hadn't been bothered to fight for access for a child he already had 😔 As someone whos dad bailed on them at 6 months old, this makes me quite mad at the lack of personal responsibility or thoughts about the child's feelings.

Original poster
Ruby127 · 06/08/2019 13:50

@LoveTheKid.
I agree actually. Cutting the father out isn’t fair. But he, since I’ve told him the news has threatened suicide and behaved in ways that I don’t think a fair person would consider safe for a child to be witness to.

That is debatable and ultimately wouldn’t be decided by me anyway but the courts.

I will seek counselling to make my decision. The father has said he would rather leave me to be a single parent and have no involvement than force my down the abortion route because I don’t want to be tied to him forever. But, I’m aware his statement isn’t binding. Things can change and he’s forever the father.

I have to be an adult like other posters have said and I am thinking the best course of action is an abortion and I just have to wear the emotional fallout. I don’t have family support, and now I’m wracked with panic about doing it alone and all the what if’s and things that could go wrong.

I’m just being honest. None of this reflects very well on me, I’m aware.

OP posts:
Starlight84 · 06/08/2019 14:16

So my story is slightly different @Ruby127. I am 35 and pregnant. With an absolute ars3hole! He wants nothing to do with me or the baby. I told him the sex of our baby and he has read it and not replied.
I am not putting his name on the birth certificate so he loses all parental responsibility of the baby. So no he won’t have rights to any decisions I make regarding illness, education or anything. It also means he couldn’t just walk into my baby’s nursery or school and take him which is a huge reassurance!

So it’s quite possible you can have this baby and bring him up on your own, considering what you went through before. Could you do it again? As previous people have said the lack of hygiene and washing etc and food past it’s best is not a good environment for a baby to be in. Just because you may not like the dad doesn’t mean to say you can’t have the baby. He would have to make some major changes to his lifestyle or arrange for him to see him at your house or somewhere else. I wouldn’t stop my baby’s dad from seeing him but I don’t think he even cares to be honest. But he’s shown no support or interest so I’m not giving him parental responsibility by having him on the birth certificate. No way.

Doyoumind · 06/08/2019 14:17

If you are in the UK, it's likely contact would be granted if he went to court but it would be limited for a baby and you could raise concerns about his suitability that would mean a contact centre was used at least to start with. It's actually cheap to go to court and self-represent but he doesn't sound like he kind to.

I see my ex in my DC both in looks and behaviours but I also see a huge amount of influence on behaviour I have had in the way I have parented.

Being a single mum can be difficult. Dealing with my ex (emotionally, financially abusive, won't take know for an answer type) has been extremely challenging at times but there are some steps you can take to control this. It does get easier over time.

I think if you feel you are being decisive, which ever way you go it will help you deal with what's to come.

Original poster
Ruby127 · 06/08/2019 14:37

@virginpinkmartini - his ex got full custody. He dips in and out of liaising with lawyers but apparently finds it too emotionally taxing. The ex has had full custody for two years and he says the system is rigged against men, so has “little hope” it will change. He did not bail per se, but he is defeatist in most aspects of life I have come to realise. He will complain and say he is being abused and a victim of his ex.

OP posts:
Contraceptionismyfriend · 06/08/2019 14:51

You need to consider that while she has full custody it must be exhausting and emotionally taxing every time he approaches a solicitor. Who's to say the next time he does it he sees it through. How much will that cost her? Does she have the funds to fight him again? Who's to say he won't get a judge who sympathises with him.

JinglingHellsBells · 06/08/2019 15:06

@Ruby127 If you only want to keep the baby because at 35 you think this is your last chance, think again.

We all know women who met Mr Right at 37, 38 or 39 and went on to have healthy children.
I think this is what is giving you the dilemma- 'Is this my last chance to have a child?'

The answer is clearly no. But you must learn from this.

1 Don't waste time with men who are 'flings' (though a fling usually only applies to married people having an affair) .
2 Don't get involved with men who carry so much baggage.
3 Don't get pregnant on purpose/ by accident because you think it's your final chance. Go down the sperm donor route if that's the case.

On balance, my opinion is that what you have to gain by keeping this child is outweighed by the unhappiness you might suffer long term. And at 35 you are not too old to find a good man and have a baby in the context of a loving partnership.

You are 35, not 40 or 45. There is time.

PetraRabbit · 06/08/2019 16:57

This is so difficult and some great points have been made.
All I wanted to say is that 35 might feel like a last chance but it is very, very, very unlikely to be your last chance. Statistically until about 37 or 38 your chances are excellent, especially as you have proven fertility. I know this as I have 2 children in my 40s and I have researched this subject all day every day!!
There is a huge picture to look at here but I am urging you to remove this one factor from your list of considerations as I genuinely don't think it's any more relevant than it would be if you were 28. Make your decision by weighing up everything else.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/08/2019 17:09

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time, op. If it were me given these circumstances, I would terminate the pregnancy immediately and I would not wait two weeks. Tell your employer you're ill and postpone the trip.

aliensprig · 06/08/2019 17:10

Good god, wind your neck in @JinglingHellsBells. Stop telling the OP what to do, passing judgement and repeating yourself - I think OP is well aware of her age and situation!

OP i hope you're able to resolve this. Sounds as though you'd be well shot of this man if you decide to cut all contact. Think if you weigh up the pros and cons of having this baby, the cons will outweigh the pros, but then I'm a glass half empty kind of person! Good luck Flowers

Coop14 · 06/08/2019 17:13

What I would do is leave him and enjoy being a single parent. He can still be involved but you don't have to be together. Good luck to you whatever you do xx

Gettingonabitnow · 06/08/2019 17:16

The way you’ve written sounds like you are an intelligent woman, and this guys sounds like a nightmare. If you are early on I would consider a termination - the reality is you would be tied to this man, seriously tied, for a long long time.

Ginger1982 · 06/08/2019 17:28

Even if you did decide to cut all contact and go it alone at some point your child will want to know who his/her father is and then you find you have him in your life (possibly) forever. Weddings, birthdays, grandchildren etc.

Cookit · 06/08/2019 17:47

This is such a hard one OP.

Considering that you want a baby, can financially provide for a baby and are 35 (so obviously you could well meet someone next year and have a baby with them, but equally you might not) my gut would be to go for it.

I’d just worry thought that when the child asks why they don’t have a father figure the fact that the truth will reflect rather badly on you and could lead to problems down the line - it’s not that the father refused to be involved or that the father was abusive or dangerous it’s more that you just don’t like him and asked him to not be involved ... and is that ultimately your choice to make? How will the child feel about that?

I would look into the PP suggestion of investigating with the police if possible or via the courts why it is that he has no custody of the other child. It might well be that it would be in the best interests of the child to avoid contact with their father, in which case the not liking him bit is irrelevant and you could have the child, zero contact with full knowledge that it truly is in their best interests.