35, pregnant to a man I can't stand. What have I done.

[Ruby127]

Please help...
I'm 35 and am pregnant to a man I had been seeing for two months. I don't love him, it was a 'fling'. And here we are.
I was initially happy and kept the news to myself. Since I told the father, another week has passed and he's already making life a nightmare.
I knew we were "different: but his views are what I consider... extreme. He doesn't work / refuses to because he's an "artist" (no income generating art, though, so on benefits). He doesn't believe in washing clothes often (only found this out last week). He complained because I wouldn't let him eat week-old pizza that I was throwing out - only in fridge to not rot in the bin. He also asked if he could have my milk which was on the turn... He rants at me about leftist ideologies and philosophies instead of anything practical about how we would co-parent a kid.

Basically, he disgusts me, more so now I'm pregnant. I am ashamed that I've put gotten in this situation.
BUT... I am 35 and had an abortion at 27 which left me traumatised. I grieved for that baby. I wanted it, but was guided by my parents and others telling me not to have it. I was too scared.
With this, I feel more ready and capable to parent but I am SO anxious about attaching myself to this man for the next 18+ years. My brain has even gone so far to wonder if I'll dislike the child if it's like him. I feel awful for that, but it's true.

He has said he wants to be "involved", but I have no real indication yet of what this will look like in reality.
Should I be considering an abortion because I can't stand the man, even though a big part of me wants the baby?

What a dilemma for you OP. Do you want to be a mother? How would you feel if you terminated this pregnancy and didn't have a baby at some point in the future? At 35 that is a possibility. If you have this baby then this man will have rights. You may have to hand your baby/toddler/child over to this slob every other weekend. I don't envy your decision.

It's not just 18 years - it's for your entire life. It's up to you if you can stand to have this lazy dirty twat in your life forever. I couldn't do it, but it's a choice you need to make pretty soon OP. Good luck.

This. Yes you probably would be raising a child solo but no matter what his level of involvement would be it does tie him to you forever. If you want to continue with the pregnancy then that's your choice just make sure it's not just because of what happened last time. I would suggest making an appointment with a councellor.

Thank you all for your replies.
I'm afraid things just got even worse. He's just called me threatening suicide because I'll "keep his child from him and dictate all the terms" like his ex-wife, who has full custody of his 8 year old son. Apparently she lied to the court about a domestic violence indecent.

I am SO terrified that an abortion will plunge me into another 7 years of depression. It literally almost killed me last time, I was so distressed. I did want the baby at 27 but I was also in love with the father.

I am just so lost. I am no afraid of having this baby on my own. I am afraid of being tied to him and the child inheriting his traits. I always wished for a baby but this just feels like a curse. My emotions are all over the place and I can't believe I'm feeling like this about my own baby because the father is like this.

I'd second the counsellor suggestion

What an awful situation. My heart goes out to you.

I don't think I could bring into the world a child who I knew would have a man like that for a father. It would be like setting a child up for a terrible time. Not that you wouldn't be wonderful, but as you said, you wouldn't be able to be free of this man.

Hugs OP.

Your post makes me err on the side of abortion and have your own baby with no ties to him using a sperm donor.

He sounds like a lazy and potentially violent deadbeat. He's already emotionally manipulating you.

Sorry to hear you're in this position, OP.

"lied to the court about a domestic violence incident"... that rings quite a few alarm bells, doesn't it.

If he can’t be bothered to wash and work etc, the chances are, he will find being a parent far too exhausting.
Slap yourself around the face (Metaphorically ) Get him out ‘your space’ and focus on yourself and baby. He can’t demand access to you whilst pregnant so enjoy the gap in having to deal with the smelly bio hazard.
By the time baby comes, he’ll be dead from salmonella,
On a more serious note, set the space now! Then maintain it. Encourage no contact whilst pregnant. Set the boundaries. Once baby is here be reasonable keep baby with you. He will probably give up very soon

Maybe you should stop talking to him on the phone as it’s not helping either of you. If he’s suicidal he needs to speak to his doctor not you.

And I think you need counselling to help you make the right decision for you. An abortion ( or a miscarriage ) can be traumatic but there’s no need for you to be depressed for 7 years, should that be what happens. There is medical help available for you too.

Forget about the father. You have a baby to take care of! Only you and the baby now matter. Just relax, make a deep breath and think about what is good for YOUR child. Go no contact with him if it distressing. If he wants to parent in future he will have to prove he is capable to be a good father

After advising him to seek help, I would stop talking to him at all. If you have contact details for his family or close friend, inform them of his suicide threat.

Then consider your situation and seek pregnancy decisions counselling.

I have told him no contact and he threatened suicide.
I talked him down, but omg. This is a nightmare.
I have a good job and could have it on my own. I called him because of the suicide threat and said I would think about an abortion to "free" us both of staying in each others lives. He said he would rather cut all contact than force me to make that choice.
So my choice is to be a single mother with no involvement from the father, or abort. I will have to think about it and will seek therapy.
Thanks so much everyone.

It’s not your responsibility to “talk him down”: do not engage with his threats.

Ok don't let him manipulate you through suicide threats. It's an abuser's first tactic to control you. If he succeeds he will only go on to push your boundaries further and further. My ex was like this and he went from suicide threats to jumping on my heavily pregnant belly - which could have killed both me and our baby.

You shouldn't be communicating with him right now if you can avoid it. If he's harassing you and threatening you with suicide that's a matter for the police/ nhs. Advise him to get help for his mental health and then block him. You need to make your decision about your body free from coercion.

Wow at people acting like she can just click her fingers and he will go away and not get to see his child, for no reason other than he smells and doesn't like him.
Is this what 'equality' looks like now?

Any more threats, suggest that he accesses mental health services or specialist organisations. Don’t phone him.

Don’t trust anything he says at this stage eg his promises to cut contact. He could change his mind next week or in a year’s time and he would have every right to do that.

You may only have the chance to have one child at this stage in your life, would continuing with this pregnancy mean that you are denying a future child the chance to life with a much more stable and loving parental relationship and a more positive start in life, or would terminating this pregnancy mean that you risk not being in a position to be able to get pregnant again? It's a tricky decision to make.

You would certainly be able to terminate quickly and privately, even tell the father that the pregnancy ended naturally and end the relationship. Then get on with finding someone who complements you better now you realise that you really do want a baby.

Or you could have a proper grown up conversation with the father about it all; to me none of the traits you described are particularity serious or immutable, and there must have been something that attracted you to him in the first place. Eg washing clothes, you certainly don't have to wash them after every wear, jeans manufacturers recommend wearing in dry styles for 6 months before washing! He's probably trying to reduce water and energy use but tell him he smells and it turns you off and that he needs to take more care if he wants a relationship with you. Week old pizza probably won't kill you if it's been kept in the fridge and it's reheated before eating, he probably wants to avoid food waste, but tell him he needs to eat left overs straight away rather than keep them hanging round. The political /philosophical stuff is more challenging but I'm sure lots of couples hold very different political outlooks and enjoy life together, opposites attract and all that!

If you weren't pregnant it would be so easy to walk away but since you are I think at least discussing your issues with him and seeing what his response is is certainly worth it. Maybe when faced with you saying that you would rather abort than have a child with him he might reassess his priorities.

I'm sorry you're in this position and hope you get a good outcome in the end.

If he wants to parent in future he will have to prove he is capable to be a good father

He really doesn't. He just has to prove that the child is safe in his care. And if they aren't, he'll most likely be granted supervised visitation.

Hard.

Independent counselling?

I had 2 terminations before I had my child, and having a childcwith the right father made me even more certain that I had made the right decision not to have children with the wring father and in the wrong circumstances for me.

But I made that decision, to terminate, for myself, on merit, and though I felt sad and traumatised I was confident that the sadness and upset were in support of the right decision in the bigger picture.

I have been lucky. I met my DH in my later 30s and conceived without difficulty in my v early 40s .

Whatever your decision it has to be yours.

Hang on- it’s not just that he’s a grubby, work shy tosser though is it?
He’s red flagging for potential abuse all over the place- emotional blackmail, previous record of domestic violence...

OP, yes children inherent predispositions genetically- but far more important is their upbringing and home environment.
Your partners leftist ranting in a well adjusted child might be an incredible passion for social justice? His food hoarding might manifest a sensible low-waste lifestyle-

Don’t underestimate how powerful a force you are as a child’s mother- and don’t be afraid to do this, if it’s what you want.

I'm absolutely stunned that people are flippantly saying "Just block him off, raise the baby on your own"

That isn't OP's choice! What the Fuck.

For what it's worth OP I would get rid of that pregnancy, block him and get some post abortion counselling

So you got pregnant as soon as you set eyes on him and two months in he disgusts you. Where was the thought about the child’s future in this? Where was the adult responsibility?

I would suggest counselling about a potential termination but in truth, it sounds like you wanted a baby because of your age and didn’t give much thought to the needs of the child or worry too much who the father was. That being the case, you’ll need to think what harm aborting a child you consciously chose to create would do to your mental health. You’ll also need to plan how you’ll raise the child as a single parent and how best to manage involvement from the father.

Then you need an adult conversation. That shouldn’t be too difficult as I assume that if you can make love to someone, you can talk to them.

I have children now adults in their 30s - just a bit younger than you.

What I'd say is every time you look at them you see their father. It might be an expression, their eyes or their personality traits.

So...the father of your child will be 'there' forever in some way.

If you cannot stand this man it would be very, very hard.

If you just 'want a baby' have sperm donation.

For what it's worth OP I would get rid of that pregnancy, block him and get some post abortion counselling

@Ruby127 And also understand that every single act of sex can lead to a pregnancy unless you are using the best contraception there is.

A 'fling' doesn't mean you throw your brain out of the window and take chances on getting pregnant. Two unplanned pregnancies seem to show you have a casual approach to contraception.