35, pregnant to a man I can't stand. What have I done.

[Ruby127]

Please help...
I'm 35 and am pregnant to a man I had been seeing for two months. I don't love him, it was a 'fling'. And here we are.
I was initially happy and kept the news to myself. Since I told the father, another week has passed and he's already making life a nightmare.
I knew we were "different: but his views are what I consider... extreme. He doesn't work / refuses to because he's an "artist" (no income generating art, though, so on benefits). He doesn't believe in washing clothes often (only found this out last week). He complained because I wouldn't let him eat week-old pizza that I was throwing out - only in fridge to not rot in the bin. He also asked if he could have my milk which was on the turn... He rants at me about leftist ideologies and philosophies instead of anything practical about how we would co-parent a kid.

Basically, he disgusts me, more so now I'm pregnant. I am ashamed that I've put gotten in this situation.
BUT... I am 35 and had an abortion at 27 which left me traumatised. I grieved for that baby. I wanted it, but was guided by my parents and others telling me not to have it. I was too scared.
With this, I feel more ready and capable to parent but I am SO anxious about attaching myself to this man for the next 18+ years. My brain has even gone so far to wonder if I'll dislike the child if it's like him. I feel awful for that, but it's true.

He has said he wants to be "involved", but I have no real indication yet of what this will look like in reality.
Should I be considering an abortion because I can't stand the man, even though a big part of me wants the baby?

Alarm bells all over the place here- the suicide thing is just a juvenile attempt to emotionally blackmail you into doing what he wants, massive, MASSIVE domestic abuse control thing there. Do not fall for that one it's the oldest trick in the book.

Let him get on with it if that's the case, that's on him not you.

I'd be running for the hills and trying to find out a bit more about this lying about domestic violence thing as well. Court is not that easy.- my ex was convicted of breaching an order but thats the only one I could prove. I told the Court all about his DV and that time he tried to kill me but as it hadn't been proven/reported to the police at the time it couldn't be taken into account when deciding access.

It really isn't as simple as Judges sympathising with a sob story and forbidding access to the father, I'd put money on there being a back story there.

It sounds as though you really want this baby and I don't blame you. In my cynical experience the feckless wonders who are starving artists that hate the government but rely on the system are much more likely to talk a good story (particularly to the next woman!) about how hard done by they are and how it's not their fault they don't see their child, but don't want to put any hard work into seeing the child other than the occasional whinging appeal to you and a bit of emotional blackmail thrown in to see if that will work.

You have to do what is right for you though, but I would start keeping a note of his shite so that when the baby is born you do have grounds for restricting contact. This emotional blackmail behaviour does not smack of someone I would want to be in charge of a child.

Good luck

I can't believe I'm feeling like this about my own baby because the father is like this.

It's not a baby yet. It's a tiny cluster of cells that do not resemble a baby in any way.

And it's not your baby- it's 50% another person's.

I think you should get to an abortion clinic like Marie Stopes or wherever and get counselling to work through this.

Start behaving responsibly.

Sorry but if you were so upset from having an abortion before it sounds as if you haven't learned anything - either using birth control or predicting your own emotions if you did conceive and the man was not what you wanted as a father.

I second Marie Stopes.

I am not afraid of having this baby on my own. I am afraid of being tied to him and the child inheriting his traits. I always wished for a baby but this just feels like a curse.

You said this earlier and then later said he confirmed he would go NC and allow you to be a single mum, so it sounds like everything is going to be ok - have the baby and raise it alone.

I'm pro-choice but I certainly wouldn't have another abortion in your case: your age means there's a strong possibility that this is your last chance plus you don't want to risk further damaging your mental health with another abortion.

& in regards to inheriting his traits; yes the baby will have some of them, but also some of yours. It's always a risk that a baby will inherit the worst of either parent but it's also possible it will have the best of you both. & if you are the sole carer then your influence is 75% vs his 25% genetics (if we simplify nature/nurture to 50/50), so I wouldn't worry too much about that tbh.

Congrats on your pregnancy and good luck!

OK. It's a mess but ultimately it's a mess you chose.
I had a child with someone I quickly came to hate. He was not abusive but lazy, selfish, blinkered and infuriatingly useless.
My biggest mistake was hoping for a long time he would change, when I should have just accepted I was alone and got on with it. He does have a relationship with the child. It's regular contact but not long sustained visits. They have a good relationship not close but cordial. Weirdly my child looks a lot like their dad, and even shares many mannerisms, but since I have brought them up they are certainly not lazy or entitled! Oh, and they are also 100% themselves ( eg. extremely lovable!)
I'm shocked at the people advising block and move etc. I mean move if you want but you have no right to deny your child a relationship with their father. None.
Funnily enough in lots of waystuff the dad HAS changed. He's never going to be father of the century but he is consistent with contact and does ultimately care.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

“It sounds like everything is going to be ok”

That’s nothing like the impression I have from the op.

Gah I missed the later posts OP. I don't know what the best option is if he is being emotionally abusive sorry.

I am afraid of being tied to him and the child inheriting his traits
the baby isn't going to genetically inherit a predisposition to espousing leftist nonsense, not washing and eating out of date food op. That's a nature/environment thing. Don't abort a baby you want at 35 because of that.

Do consider however that his offer for no contact now might change once you are past the point of an abortion/adoption or may well change when you're 10 years old is crying because they want to meet their Dad.

Do you know anything of his family?

My ex disgusts me but my 4 yo is utterly awesome and such a beautiful child. His "dad" has seen him once. I don't see myself as tied to him at all. He lives 100 miles away and is not in our lives at all. His choice. If you can manage alone then go for it. Your baby is 50% you don't forget. My ds is heavy on the Peabody genes and looks nothing like his paternal side at all. Even if he did I'd still love him. Good luck

My ex disgusts me but my 4 yo is utterly awesome and such a beautiful child. His "dad" has seen him once. I don't see myself as tied to him at all. He lives 100 miles away and is not in our lives at all. His choice. If you can manage alone then go for it. Your baby is 50% you don't forget. My ds is heavy on the Peabody genes and looks nothing like his paternal side at all. Even if he did I'd still love him. Good luck

Have just seen your updates. Stop engaging with him completely. You don't need to have any contact with him. My ex also threatened suicide if I kept the baby. I just ignored him and have nothing to do with him. block and delete his number. Concentrate on yourself

Have just seen your updates. Stop engaging with him completely. You don't need to have any contact with him. My ex also threatened suicide if I kept the baby. I just ignored him and have nothing to do with him. block and delete his number. Concentrate on yourself

Actually, the OP has every right to decide that this man would do her child more harm than good. He doesn't have any legal rights over her body or over a child he has no parental responsibility for. Plenty of people on the Stately Homes thread who would have gladly chosen no mum/dad over a shitty one. As the responsible adult here, the OP has every legal right & responsibility to make the best decisions possible for her unborn baby.

Sorry to read your predicament but from my own experience id sat pls reconsider-yep you had an abortion&hit you hard-of course it would but raising a child that is really wished for/planned with someone is also really hard-look at the AIBU&threads on here..Many people only reveal how truly useless&crap they are when a tiny person&new mum depend on them-thousands of relationships fall by the wayside&constant unabated interferrance from the 'dad' should be expected-as he will be the father&have equal rights.Knowing what you do&going ahead anyway is madness-id book the abortion apt..far less mentally taxing,have counselling&move on-mistake over&done with..he could&poss would invade&ruin your pictured happiness&life with baby..If you have anxiety thinking about what the next18 years could be like the writings on the wall.Sounds like a nightmare waiting to happen.Look after yourself

I think you need to see a counsellor - this is a very difficult situation.

Unfortunately OP, you need to make your decision based on the fact that your baby's father WILL in all likelihood be part of your child's life if he so chooses.
IF you were to deny contact. He could very easily apply for PR and a Child Arrangement Order for the cost of £215.. however this court fee is waived for benefits or low income.
It would be entirely down to his ability to pursue it ... and people will the sort of views he has.. make it their job to pursue things - mainly because they have the time.

You can move but be required to move back. You can stop contact and be required to hand your child over 50 percent of the time (the starting point for contact) . Most fathers only apply for every other weekend and an evening in the week due to work commitments but this man is not inconvenienced by such time consuming obstacles. So could reasonably argue for equal contact once he has obtained equal parental responsibility.

He may not do any of this. Then you still have your CHILDS right to see their father ..

Thanks everyone. I truly appreciate the very fair comments I've received for and against.

I will not be engaging with the father. I didn't want him to commit suicide, and had no guarantee it was manipulation. When I said I'd call the cops he said 'great, give me an actual reason to do it. That's good, please call them and I'll do it now'. He calmed down and I ended the call.

Yes, he can push for custody if I keep the baby but I do think he will...He is undeniably lazy and has lost custody of his son for two years now and is not very engaged in a process of getting him back.

I need to decide if I can do this on my own, or if I abort, how I will feel if I never have a child - I'm 35. Those seem like my options.

I am scared of single motherhood. I have not told my family because their response will just be "go to the clinic, it's not the right time" and we do not even live in the same part of the country (2 hour flight).

@Ruby127 There are safer ways to have a child as a single parent without letting emotionally messed up men into your life.

You have another 2-5 years or more as a window for a child, through AI if necessary.

You have to ask yourself if you took a cavalier attitude to contraception (assume it wasn't used?) because you really hoped to get pregnant. Only you know the truth there.

Did you do it to trap him before you realised what he was really like? if you have known him for 2 months, you must have conceived very quickly within weeks of seeing him.

The question is - why? I don't believe you didn't know the risks. And as you had an abortion before, it seems likely you intended to conceive this time. Has it all backfired now when you are and you have also found out what this man is really like?

You need to look at the basics.

• Do you earn enough to support a child for the next 18 years?
• Do you have a job that will allow you to pay for childcare eventually?

-Do you still want a permanent relationship and if so, how might this child impact on that? (Some men are great, others don't want to bring up another man's child -Is this child always going to be a reminder of the man who fathered it?

You need to seek counselling through an abortion provider and sooner rather than later. How far along are you?

@Ruby127 Are you in the UK? You say your family are a 2hr flight away- this would mean the distance between the very north of Scotland and the very south of England.

You seem very tied to your family and what they will think.

You are 35. Time to grow up and think it through yourself.

What a terribly difficult situation

I would worry less about inherited traits (you will shape his/ her character) and more about having to be involved in a co parenting situation with him.

You’d be better off going completely alone but the fact that terminating is so hard emotionally makes me think that’s too hard to get to

Counselling is a good option to help you decide. So hard.

I’m only about 5.5 weeks.
We weren’t as careful as we should have been. I am wondering if part of me let this happen and to the poster above - WHY. Did I want this and now I’m terrified because he’s showing that it would be a nightmare? There was no desire to trap him. You’re right - I’m 35. But very stupid it seems!

I love my job and I earn a very good income but having a child would certainly impact my career (for example, my job currently involves travel for work OS a few times a year).

I actually have to travel for work for the next two weeks from Saturday, so I have to sit with it until later in August anyway. By then I would be almost 8 weeks. I will try and arrange counselling this week.

I was assuming that the Op is in North America as she uses the phrase “ call the cops “.

*@Ruby127Are you in the UK? You say your family are a 2hr flight away- this would mean the distance between the very north of Scotland and the very south of England

It would take and 1.5 hour flight to Aberdeen AND then another one hour flight to get from London to Lerwick , which isn’t even very north of Scotland . And London isn’t in the very south of England.

The Uk is a lot bigger that you think and transport is a lot slower.

@Ruby127 I wish I could reach out and give you a hug. Whatever you decide ultimately should be your decision. Don’t listen to him, your family or even us on here. There are risks in all choices but you need to decide which risk you could live with the most. If you have a close friend you trust it would be worth speaking to someone who knows you. Good luck in whatever you choose

@MORVEN FGS why do you think I need a geography lecture? In the UK it is nigh impossible to take a 2hr unbroken flight from north to south or vice versa. 1.5hrs London- Aberdeen. No one mentioned changes. And yes, London is in the south. It's not Lands End or Brighton, but is IS southern England.

The reason I asked the OP is that I suggested the Marie Stopes clinics. If she is outside the UK this may not be an option.

It would take and 1.5 hour flight to Aberdeen AND then another one hour flight to get from London to Lerwick ,

Eh? You'd go to Aberdeen and then back to London and up to Lerwick?
Very odd trip.