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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

35, pregnant to a man I can't stand. What have I done.

130 replies

Ruby127 · 06/08/2019 07:10

Please help...
I'm 35 and am pregnant to a man I had been seeing for two months. I don't love him, it was a 'fling'. And here we are.
I was initially happy and kept the news to myself. Since I told the father, another week has passed and he's already making life a nightmare.
I knew we were "different: but his views are what I consider... extreme. He doesn't work / refuses to because he's an "artist" (no income generating art, though, so on benefits). He doesn't believe in washing clothes often (only found this out last week). He complained because I wouldn't let him eat week-old pizza that I was throwing out - only in fridge to not rot in the bin. He also asked if he could have my milk which was on the turn... He rants at me about leftist ideologies and philosophies instead of anything practical about how we would co-parent a kid.

Basically, he disgusts me, more so now I'm pregnant. I am ashamed that I've put gotten in this situation.
BUT... I am 35 and had an abortion at 27 which left me traumatised. I grieved for that baby. I wanted it, but was guided by my parents and others telling me not to have it. I was too scared.
With this, I feel more ready and capable to parent but I am SO anxious about attaching myself to this man for the next 18+ years. My brain has even gone so far to wonder if I'll dislike the child if it's like him. I feel awful for that, but it's true.

He has said he wants to be "involved", but I have no real indication yet of what this will look like in reality.
Should I be considering an abortion because I can't stand the man, even though a big part of me wants the baby?

OP posts:
TeacupDrama · 06/08/2019 18:00

if you move before you have the baby that is the baies habitual place of residence so you could not be required to move anywhere by court order however if you have the baby in where you live now if you then decide when baby is 6 months old to move 300 miles away the father could apply to court for a prohibited steps order to stop this, he may not get it but if it was seen as a move to prevent his access it maybe, however you would not be stopped moving 30 miles away
access to a baby especially a breast fed baby is little and often a few hours and no overnights
as you are aware you do not have to put on birth certificate but he can apply to courts for a DNA test and then go on birth certificate and have parental responsibilty
if you wish to move away the earlier in your pregnancy you do it the better

cooksomeeggs · 06/08/2019 18:29

You could do this on your own. He sounds like he would find it too difficult to make it work (lazy.) good luck op!

Original poster
Ruby127 · 07/08/2019 01:29

Well, an unexpected turn of events. Last night I started bleeding - dark brown - still going today. Not what I’d call heavy but on and off. Had a very sore back last night (have most of the time) but better today.
So this is may be different set of circumstances to deal with and a range of emotions. If there is still a baby, if there is not...but it seems like a waiting game at this point. I’ll be seeing my doctor tomorrow.
Thanks to everyone who took the time to comment.

OP posts:
minmooch · 07/08/2019 07:04

You will need to find out if you have miscarried or not. Your gp should be able to refer you to the epu.

If you have had a miscarriage you will then need to grieve for your baby.

If you have not had a miscarriage I would tell your ex that you have lost it and continue with no contact with him.

Triglesoffy · 07/08/2019 07:04

Flowers OP - sounds like a miscarriage. It will be interesting to see your partner’s reaction if you have to go in for a D&C.

Take care of yourself and remember that you are the most important person today and every day.

Loopytiles · 07/08/2019 07:25

Sorry this is happening. It may take some time, eg an early scan in one or two weeks, to tell what’s happening.

Don’t inform your ex.

Starlight84 · 07/08/2019 07:59

@Ruby127 sorry to hear this. Good luck at the drs today. Hopefully someone will see you at the epu sooner rather than later xx

JinglingHellsBells · 07/08/2019 08:42

@aliensprig Sorry but not your role to tell me or anyone to stop posting. I'm being supportive, I am saying at 35 she is not too old to have another baby in better circumstances Pick o some other poster who you disagree with and wind your own neck in.

JinglingHellsBells · 07/08/2019 08:43

@Ruby127 Sorry to hear this and hope you find the right solution for you whatever happens.

Original poster
Ruby127 · 07/08/2019 09:23

Thanks. Getting a scan tomorrow so that should clear up what is currently going on with the baby. I could be wrong, and this isn't just panic, but my sense is it's a MC.

OP posts:
Starlight84 · 07/08/2019 09:37

@Ruby127 I’m pleased you don’t have to wait too long xx

M0RVEN · 07/08/2019 10:29

I’m sorry, I know you weren’t sure what you wanted to do but it’s tough to have the decision taken out your hands like this.

Hopefully the EPU will advise you if it’s ok to go on your work trip this weekend.

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 08/08/2019 09:16

Thanks for you OP. Thinking of you today and hoping you're ok.

Original poster
Ruby127 · 08/08/2019 09:49

Well. There’s a heartbeat. 6 weeks.
Basically numb at this point. I cut contact with my ex and so he found my email. I’ll figure out how to block it.
I’ll be going OS for work to so at least some distance should help clear my head and make a decision.

OP posts:
ReasonedCamper · 08/08/2019 09:51

There is not s heartbeat at 6 weeks. It is the electrical impulse that will become a heartbeat once there is a fully formed heart to beat.

ReasonedCamper · 08/08/2019 10:08

Sorry OP, that sounded callous and unsympathetic, in a baldly factual kind of way.

I am wishing you the very best whatever that may be Flowers

Pinkout · 08/08/2019 10:08

You have at least five years of fertility ahead of you, probably up to eight years in reality. You do not need to tie yourself to this loser for the rest of your life purely because you are concerned about your fertility.

Abortions obviously aren’t easy but crikey, neither is raising a child with a deadbeat loser dad. Many people seemingly only see a cute baby, they don’t remember the baby stage only lasts 12 months. Unless he disappears, he will be a part of your life until you die. Even when a child turns 18 there are aspects of their life where you will be forced to face him (graduation, wedding, grandchildren etc).

He sounds atrocious, you don’t even know him either. Do you know anything about his family background at all? It’s just not a great environment to bring a child into. Contact Marie Stopes for counselling.

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 08/08/2019 10:10

What rubbish pp. fetal heartbeat can be detected from 6 weeks.

OP. Take this time away to get some headspace. Yes, block him on email. You don't need his shit until you've sorted out your own thoughts and feelings Thanks

RubbingHimSourly · 08/08/2019 10:21

Bloody hell, time and time again I've seen on Mumsnet that women don't block contact, it doesn't happen. Unless there's a good reason. As in the man's abusive or a danger to the child.

And here we are. Repeated suggestions of how to stop contact because the bloke eats manky food and is a lazy twat. Good enough to have sex with though Hmm

I hope all is well with the baby op, I truly do. And my deepest sympathies lie with him or her if they're born into this shit show.

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 08/08/2019 10:37

But he IS abusive. Did you miss the bits about him threatening suicide? That's emotional abuse so yes, she should block him. My ds's dad was similar.

Original poster
Ruby127 · 08/08/2019 11:08

@RubbingHimSourly hold your horses. He has been abusive. Non-stop harassment in fact, and threats of suicide and emotional manipulation. You obviously skipped over that info to make a point that makes me feel even more like shit. I’m glad you’ve never made an error or judgment or ended up in a situation that you didn’t foresee. You must have married the only person ever slept with. Holier than thou.
I totally agree about the “shit show” you so kindly refer to this situation as. Just so I can clarify for you, I’ve cut all contact NOW while I weigh things up. Part of my decision is the fact that this man might be a part of my life forever if I proceed with the pregnancy (unless he decides to not be a part of the kids life which is possible).

You’re judgment isn’t helpful. While I accept there will be opinions I don’t agree with, and have welcomed (and said as much) the attitude in your response is not bloody needed. Sanctimonious much.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ruby127 · 08/08/2019 11:10

Lots of typos. Be sure to point them out

OP posts:
SurvivingCBeebies · 08/08/2019 13:51

I wouldnt judge you whatever you chose, but I just wanted to let you know that I had an abortion at 35 after a traumatic event, i then got talking to a long time friend (for once we were both single) and we are now together and expecting our second baby. There is still time to meet someone that you can be in a relationship with and/or at least be able to co-parent with.

Marlena1 · 15/01/2020 19:45

I've often thought of you OP, hope you're doing ok

Keha · 15/01/2020 22:26

I think you need to give yourself a little more time here - if you can. There must have been things about him you liked to have been seeing him for a couple of months. I hope you are considering having counselling. Do you know that morning sickness can heighten a woman's disgust reaction, so you find things more disgusting than when not pregnant (google it if you don't believe me). The assumption is this helps the woman protect the baby from germs, pathogens etc by avoiding some foods. I'm not saying this is causing all your feelings, but is worth understanding why you might be more appalled by his behaviour now you are pregnant

How you have described him makes him sound eccentric and a bit of a deadbeat. However it doesn't sound like he does anything abusive or cruel (those things would make me consider terminating). I have some family members who live very different lives to me, but we work round that and still have a relationship and I think in some ways that opens my eyes to things I wouldn't think about otherwise. If you want the baby and can afford to go it alone if needed then that is the main thing. You may well have to accept ongoing contact with the father, but it's not like he will be keeping his old pizza in your fridge. I think you can teach the child to have better personal hygiene, not eat gone off food. People do have quite different reactions to what constitutes unhygienic and your child might end up with a different attitude to this than you, but that could happen anyway.

It's also only been a week perhaps he hasn't had time to really process it and think about how he would be involved etc. He doesn't sound like the easiest person to co-parent with and to keep the baby will be a life changing decision. But if you were traumatised by the last termination, then making that choice again is also a life changing decision. I think you have to go with your heart on this, both options will have a lasting impact and you'll never know how it would be if you had gone with the other choice. Good luck with your decision.