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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Gender disappointment

113 replies

S8765 · 25/08/2018 21:42

We found out today what baby's gender is, I cant help but feel devastated and I've cried for hours about it. I can't stand the comments of congratulations and I just went to feel better about this...I'm really worried this will effect me throughout the rest of this pregnancy and when baby arrives. I just don't even want to talk about the baby with my partner or my older child. I feel so guilty too. :(

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Rebecca36 · 25/08/2018 21:46

Why are you disappointed?

You won't be when the baby arrives.

SleepyMcEdie · 25/08/2018 21:47

Why did you decide to find out if you felt this way?

ThanksHunkyJesus · 25/08/2018 21:48

You'll get over it. There must be a reason why you feel disappointed. Don't panic, just think through why you think you want the opposite sex baby.

Thesearmsofmine · 25/08/2018 21:49

I felt like this after my scan with my third child, I was sad for a couple of days but I did come out of the other side. He is 2.5 now and the Apple of our whole families eye.

Be aware that people may say nasty things on this post BUT it can be normal to feel this way and it is far more common than people care to admit.

Ohyesiam · 25/08/2018 21:49

You have something many people would love to have.

SinkGirl · 25/08/2018 21:50

This seems to be increasingly common and I wonder if it’s to do with women finding out earlier and earlier in pregnancy (especially now with NIPT tests) and hormones being all over the place.

Why do you think specially you feel this way? Did you want the same or opposite sex to the child you already have?

Hideandgo · 25/08/2018 21:50

You can’t know this now but your child, boy or girl, is a complete individual separate to their sex. That is what you as their mum will see.

For now, just think it over and try to reframe your thoughts on this issue. It will be ok, better than ok, when the baby comes.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/08/2018 21:52

You can’t know this now but your child, boy or girl, is a complete individual separate to their sex. That is what you as their mum will see.

Absolutely this.

LastOneDancing · 25/08/2018 22:01

Yup, you don't have 'a girl' or 'a boy' you have an amazing, unique beautiful human being with their own likes, dislikes and opinions.

It's not fair to be pigeonholing people before they're even born with dreams of spa days and white weddings for girls, and footy matches and DIY expertise for boys. It could be even more disappointing than the scan result.

Congratulations on your healthy pregnancy

ashtrayheart · 25/08/2018 22:09

Is there a particular reason why you were hoping for a certain sex? Or just the idea you had built in your head about the child they would become?
I've got 3 of one sex and one of the other - the 3 who are the 'same', couldn't be more different. Children are all individuals, it will be be ok once it's a real child and not the idea in your head.

SpottingTheZebras · 25/08/2018 22:09

Can you speak to a counsellor or somebody impartial about it?

Saying you won’t be disappointed once the baby arrives is just minimising your worries because you might be and the last thing you want is for it to impact on your relationship with your child and their future.

rookangaroo · 25/08/2018 22:14

It's not their gender, it's their sex.

I can't describe just how much I want to be in your position of expecting a child.

Please, please know how lucky you are.

delilahswishes · 25/08/2018 22:19

The thing is, is that child will be an individual regardless. I can't stand this "pretty princess" vs "muddy tough boy" type stereotypes. For my children at least this is almost completely the opposite.

I have a friend who was desperate for a girl aftee her two boys because she wanted to have her "best friend" and that just may have not happened with a daughter anyway. You are so truly blessed to be pregnant with a healthy child.

Thesearmsofmine · 25/08/2018 22:23

I really want to say as a mum who was disappointed that I knew how lucky I was, I wasn’t ungrateful at all.

For me I had always imagined having a daughter, you know when you’re a little girl and think ahead I always thought I would have a daughter. It’s not because I wanted pink dresses and white weddings because I am not that way inclined and my boys aren’t being bought up with gender stereotypes in mind.

I was happy to be carrying a healthy baby but I was sad to say goodbye to something I had always imagined. As I said in my previous post i was sad for a couple of days but it did pass and I can’t imagine my life any other way. It isn’t something people want to feel.

woodfires · 25/08/2018 22:24

When we had our pair I was sure that I was going to bond especially with one and my dh was sure he would lean more to another. We were muppets, firstly we loved them both more than we could say, secondly they were not a sex but a whole child and lastly as they grew they turned out not to be a series of hallmark stereotypes. Honestly I am glad we have one of each but having nearly lost one I know the really important thing is having them.

ForeverBubblegum · 25/08/2018 22:24

Try to separate disappointment from sadness. I could never be disappointed with DS, but I was sad for a few day's that I wouldn't be having the girl I had been imagining. Been sad about what you don't have didn't take away from the love of what you do have.

I found going out and getting a few nicer gendered outfits really helped me feel excited again. Sounds strange but it helped to build an image in my mind of what he might be like, which replaced the imagined dd in my head.

This is one of the reasons I decided to find out at the scan, by the time DS was born I had processed it and couldn't have been happier with my little boy.

ProfessionalBarren · 25/08/2018 22:26

I know it’s all relative but by way of offering some perspective, I found out the baby I was expecting died this week and had to have an operation to remove it. As my username might suggest this was the result of years of trying and trauma along the way. You have a healthy baby on the way, please try to appreciate it.

Bellabutterfly2016 · 25/08/2018 22:31

Hi op
We went for our 20 week scan and they couldn't tell - it's infuriating but I was stressed before and now even moreso after not knowing as we really don't want a particular gender for various reasons so Big handhold x

NonJeNeRegretteRien · 25/08/2018 22:33

I know how you feel to some extent. When I found out I was pregnant I was absolutely convinced it was a baby girl in there - despite always thinking we would have a boy (I even bought boy clothes while we were trying...)

At the 20 week scan the sonographer said she thought we were having a girl. I felt so deflated! I felt really confused about how I felt too. I still don’t understand it. I mean, a girl was always my gut feeling! I think a lot of people go through this too, my friend found out and got upset about her baby.

I mean it’s shite and a tad ridiculous in reality as when they turn up of course we love them the whole world. I think maybe that’s why it’s just not a great idea to find out before hand, it messes with your head a bit.

Try not to let this feeling last.

MarthasGinYard · 25/08/2018 22:35

I felt a little sadness on finding out sex of dc2. Nothing as you describe just a twinge.

Going on to have a late MMC later made me feel dreadful.

goodgirls · 25/08/2018 22:36

its a boy, right?

Annabelle4 · 25/08/2018 22:37

'We really don't want a particular gender for various reasons so Big handhold x'

Why did you decide to become pregnant at all then?

Kittykat93 · 25/08/2018 22:38

Let me guess - it's a boy?? I see so many of these and it always seems to be a boy that women are disappointed with. No idea why. Op please just try and be grateful you're carrying a healthy baby. There are so many who would love to be in your position. May be harsh but I hate reading posts like yours.

Louise5754 · 25/08/2018 22:41

You really don't want a particular gender for various reasons?

That doesn't sound good. What will you do if it's the one you "don't want"?

MarthasGinYard · 25/08/2018 22:41

'we really don't want a particular gender for various reasons so Big handhold x'

Blimey

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