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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Gender disappointment

113 replies

S8765 · 25/08/2018 21:42

We found out today what baby's gender is, I cant help but feel devastated and I've cried for hours about it. I can't stand the comments of congratulations and I just went to feel better about this...I'm really worried this will effect me throughout the rest of this pregnancy and when baby arrives. I just don't even want to talk about the baby with my partner or my older child. I feel so guilty too. :(

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

PatchworkElmer · 25/08/2018 22:43

Most of these threads are from an OP who is disappointed to be having a boy.

OP- your child is so much more than their sex. My DC amazes me every day.

sparkles212 · 25/08/2018 22:56

Christ, some people don't deserve to have a baby.

BlueBug45 · 25/08/2018 22:57

@BellaButerrfly2016 unless the issue due to medical reasons and then you should just mention "for medical reasons", your post is truely disgusting.

FuckMyUterus · 25/08/2018 23:06

Please understand how lucky you are. I mean this in the kindest way possible, but I went for a gender scan and came away with the news that I have to terminate my baby in the next 2 weeks as it's so poorly. Honestly, gender disappointment is a real thing, and I promise when your baby is here you'll get over it, but please, please don't let this ruin what I imagine is a perfectly happy pregnancy.

FuckMyUterus · 25/08/2018 23:08

Perfectly healthy pregnancy that was meant to say. Chin up OP, be disappointed and sad, but then pull your big girl pants on and smile.

otterturk · 25/08/2018 23:09

Sex

Not gender

ProfessionalBarren · 25/08/2018 23:16

fuckmyuterus

strawberrypenguin · 25/08/2018 23:17

If I was betting I'd put money on it being a boy too. OP just be pleased baby is healthy. Your baby will be his own person, and I'm sure his sibling will love him too

Poptart4 · 25/08/2018 23:18

When my dn found out she was having a boy she cried for 3 days. Hes 2.5 now and she absolutely adores him.

When we found out dc 3 was a girl my husband couldn't hide his disappointment, which lingered for the rest of my pregnancy. Dd is 5 now and the apple of his eye. Honestly she has him wrapped around her little finger.

My point is (1) gender disappointed is more common than you think.

(2) Most people get over it once the baby is born.

jpclarke · 25/08/2018 23:23

Be grateful for your beautiful baby, being someone who recently suffered a mmc. You are so lucky to be expecting a baby. Yes I can understand a little bit of disappointment but it is not like going shopping for a dress, you can't change it if you decide you don't like the colour. You need to try and overcome this so that it doesn't impact on your relationship with your little baby.

Bumdishcloths · 25/08/2018 23:26

This thread isn't going to end well, and I'm not going to help.

I could pussyfoot and be kind but I'm not going to - you feel guilty, because you should feel guilty. You have a presumably healthy child. Its genitals are completely immaterial unless there's a big drip feed coming about sex related genetic predispositions.

BigBlueBubble · 25/08/2018 23:36

It’s natural to build up your expectations and imagine your child, and it’s disappointing when your expectations don’t match reality. You grieve for the child you thought you were having. Pregnancy hormones don’t help.

I guarantee you will feel better after a few days. It’s important to remember that your child is an individual not a stereotype. My friend has a beautiful little boy who is a ballroom dancer and a pianist, he’s really not a stereotypical boisterous boy. My mother had a daughter who liked computers and mud

Golde · 25/08/2018 23:39

Is it the same as you already have? Any reason you don't want this sex?

MountDiogenes · 25/08/2018 23:39

I'm sure the sexists will be along soon to reassure you that girls are bitchy and manipulative whereas boys are straightforward, good natured and love their mums. These threads always bring them out!

AdultHumanFemale · 25/08/2018 23:48

Cut yourself some slack, OP, and consider that what might be a slight 'meh' is very likely amplified by hormones. Take these strong feelings with a pinch of salt. I am usually a very rational person, who suffered a period of intense starsign disappointment when pregnant with DC2. I didn't give two hoots about the sex, but once I had worked out they'd be a Gemini, I fell apart. Contacted astrological societies asking about mitigating features of their chart if born on one date as opposed to another, trying to work out whether it would be worth trying for an early elective c-section. No word of a lie. I should say that I have never been interested in astrology before or since, but for a couple of surreal weeks this felt like the end of the world. Needless to say, it wore off.

WoWsers16 · 25/08/2018 23:50

My gosh- how ungrateful- Please look on other topics this forum and read the posts from people desperate to just be pregnant- going years without getting the one thing they would absolutely love- while you are complaining about it.
You are extremely lucky and personally I do not understand how anyone can be 'disappointed' in their child's gender. If you are going to be disappointed then why get pregnant?
Gender disappointment is really sad- if anything that child should be disappointed the fact parents think that way :(

marfisa · 25/08/2018 23:53

I had this too OP, I have two beautiful boys and I cried both times after my scan when I found out I was having a boy. I also felt guilty and cross with myself for feeling that way.

When my babies were born I was thrilled with them and today I can't imagine anything better than being a mum to my two gorgeous (and very different) sons.

Feeling guilty is pointless because you can't control your feelings. Especially not when you're under the influence of pregnancy hormones, as someone said above. I think it's healthy to acknowledge these feelings, as you've done by posting on MN. Don't blame yourself for them. They WILL pass. And part of you also knows that bringing a human life into the world is so extraordinary, it doesn't matter which sex it is.

You know this intellectually now even though your emotions are telling you something different. And once you've met your new DC, you will love him/her for the person they are, not for the sex they are.

marfisa · 25/08/2018 23:56

I might also add that I was 'disappointed' not to be having a girl not because I expected boys or girls to behave in a particular way or to fit into particular stereotypes. I'm a feminist and am passionately against gender stereotypes! For some reason I had just always imagined myself as having daughters.

Now I have two feminist sons.

SweatyFretty · 26/08/2018 00:12

OP, it's ok. I too want a daughter much more than I want a son. I think it's because I am a girl. The things she'll experience growing up I can help with - puberty the XX way etc. I've got nothing when it comes to the experiences of boys growing up (no brothers) so I'm worried I won't know how to parent a son. I'm much more anxious about having boys than girls, that's for sure.

It's not rational, it's not healthy but I'm aware and I'm working on it.

You're lucky you're having this reaction now, rather than when you've got a baby in your arms, who you love more than the earth, but are confused by your feelings towards.

I like what a pp said - try and distill exactly why you feel this way, and work through those reasons out loud with your partner. Talking helps - saying things out loud makes you realise how silly they are some times. If talking to him doesn't help or there are bigger issues at play than simple preference or silly anxieties, then talk to a medical professional for guidance.

There is help out there for this sort of feeling and feeling shamed into silence won't help anybody.

SuburbanRhonda · 26/08/2018 00:18

OP, it's ok. I too want a daughter much more than I want a son. I think it's because I am a girl

Surely if you’re pregnant you must be a woman, not a girl?

SweatyFretty · 26/08/2018 00:20

I'm 26. I mean, I am a woman. But I still feel like a girl. I am not pregnant either - I'm not comfortable getting pregnant as I feel both too young and like I need to work through my various mental health issues before I can care for another human.

Thishatisnotmine · 26/08/2018 00:22

At 20 week scan with dd2 I was asked if I wanted to know the sex. It was fairly obvious. I cried in the loo, I had a sniffle on the journey home, I cried at home and the next day... I was convinced a second girl would ruin my relationship with my first, that I wouldn't love her the same. She is now16 months and I adore both of them so much.

You don't have to feel bad about being disappointed, really. You feel how you feel.

WoWsers16 · 26/08/2018 00:27

I have 2 gorgeous boys and now pregnant with my 3rd- everyone keeps saying- I bet you want a girl - and I am like- no not at all- I do not mind one bit if it is a girl or a boy. Find out in September and know I will be happy either way- 3 boys or 2 boys and a girl- will still be my family x

peachesarenom · 26/08/2018 00:43

It's so important to acknowledge your feelings so don't feel guilty about it.

I've had a mc for a much longed for baby and I can underatand how you feel. A friend of mine had a terrible journey to pregnancy and eventually had to go through IVF and she felt the same as you. She said she was glad she found out the sex early as it gave her time to process and mentally prepare.

Lots of love, I hope you feel better soon xxx

P.S buying a few cute outfits is a great idea to help you start imagining the little cutie, remember they will still be like you as you are raising him/her.

aperolspritzplease · 26/08/2018 00:44

You need to get a grip and get over it quite frankly.

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