Gender disappointment

[S8765]

We found out today what baby's gender is, I cant help but feel devastated and I've cried for hours about it. I can't stand the comments of congratulations and I just went to feel better about this...I'm really worried this will effect me throughout the rest of this pregnancy and when baby arrives. I just don't even want to talk about the baby with my partner or my older child. I feel so guilty too. :(

I thought I cared what sex my baby was until I went to my 20 week scan and found out that he had club feet. (Not life threatening like pp but life changing). Your child's sex doesn't matter that much, nor define them. He's healthy (hopefully) and that does matter.

I wouldn't normally post on threads like this but I'm making an exception.

My initial thought was, why get pregnant if the sex of the child was so important.
You don't know how lucky you are to actually be pregnant with a healthy baby.

I had to go through 20 years of trying t get pregnant and 5 rounds of ivf eventually turning to donor eggs.

It astonishes me that anyone can be so shallow to be upset that you aren't getting your chosen 'pink or blue'.

Poor baby.

ProfessionalBarren 💐💐
I am very very sorry to hear that

Find these posts so frustrating, be grateful you are able to have not 1 but 2 babies, some people can't even have 1!!
Unbelievable!

Professionalbarren im so sorry for your loss!! I hope you are being looked after!! I have no words what you are going through is so heart wrenching

Hi OP. I felt the same at my gender scan, once they said was a boy I didn’t say another word. I was so convinced I was having a girl and had pictured my daughters growing up together. I got over it and it was just a silly picture I’d dreamed up in my head. People kept saying you must be so pleased, one of each etc and I was just thinking nope. My son is 3 months and wouldn’t changed him for anything. Gender disappointment is a real thing and you can’t help how you feel, you are not alone and don’t beat yourself up about it. I’d be really surprised if you were still disappointed when you are holding your child.

I was literally thinking about my experience of this about half an hour ago. I had DS and found out I was expecting DD and couldn't get my head around having a girl. I have no relationship with either my own mum or step mum and I think I just couldn't picture the mother/daughter relationship in a positive light. I can remember being about to give birth and the midwife saying 'okay, with your next contraction you will have your daughter' and I almost tried to fight the contraction because I just wasn't sure I could be a good mum to a girl. Two minutes later she arrived and I looked at her and just thought she was amazing, it took me totally by surprise, I was instantly head over heels for her. People have gender disappointment for all sorts of reasons and I do sympathise, I think some comments here are a bit harsh as you never really know someone's full backstory but you are really lucky to be expecting a healthy baby. I'm sure you will feel differently soon

I haven’t rtft yet but just wanted to give you @ProfessionalBarren

A load of ignorance on this thread from people who simply don't understand this can be a real thing, potentially quite serious and have deep-rooted causes. It's a MH issue. Like most issues, it can range from superficial to deeply traumatic so depends where you sit along that scale. If more to the right, I would encourage you to seek out help although the lack of understanding makes that difficult. AND and PND are dreadful and can rob you of several years. Be kind to yourself.

I went through the same thing a few weeks go when we found out we were having a boy. I cried when they told me during the scan and felt like the worst person. I was upset for a couple of days, not that he was a boy, but that we are only having the one, and that I would never now have the little girl I dreamed of. After a couple of days of sadness and the immense guilt that goes with feeling that way, I started to get used to the idea. I've bought a few super cute boy specific bits, and now I'm just excited again about the baby growing inside me.

It's ok to mourn the loss of what you're not having, but it's important to get some perspective after that. As many others have said, it's about the little person you're going to have. Boy or girl, it doesn't matter really in this day and age. You'll love whoever you have when they're here and you're getting to know them :)

OP

Obviously each child is a blessing, and you are lucky to be able to have children when many can’t.

But that doesn’t mean you can’t have feelings! Many people stop at 2 children, and finding out you will never have a daughter (or a son) can be a big emotional event.

Our culture place lots of importance on women having daughters. ‘Passing on your knowledge to you daughter’, mother and daughter themed events, daughter have different expectations placed on them Han sons with regard to caring for parents, seeing parents (unfairly, and hopefully this is changing now!)

You are not unreasonable to have an emotional response to this significant news. But once your baby is here, you won’t swap it for the world.

Op, it is entirely normal and I also think it is a boy.
I was so gutted when my last was a boy, I slmost regretted getting pregnant. I tried, with hindsight, with a girl in mind the whole time. I had her name and tgrn it wasn't her but some other baby that I didn't want.
It wasn't so much getting a boy but the 'loss' of a girl. You will get over it.
Miscarriage and infertility are awful but the thread title quite clearly says what the op os struggling with so those who are bitter and cannot understand or empathise that others suffer differently should say nothing imo.
Its like people jumping on the bandwagon of slagging someone off for being upset with their husband, because they have been widowed.
I had someone tell me i was ungrateful and lucky to have him as 'all hers were in heaven'. Didnt give me any perspective, made me feel worse and drop her as a friend.
Imo it is part of antenatal depression.

And btw, i was sterilised after as i didnt want yet another boy, as i knew i would be tempted to try again. It will be fine when he is here and better being disappointed now than when he is born.

And i still feel a failure for only producing boys. I feel peoples congratulations are false and they are deep down thinking 'she must be gutted'.
When revealing the sex again I felt ashamed and actively heard people tailor their responses to make me feel better, eg, 'oh. Well you will find that easier then', and 'well at least you have boys clothes from last time'
Had it been a girl it would have been 'oh how lovely a daughter' or 'bet you cant wait to get the pink bits'.

This was me with my second. We had a gender scan. It was a surprise present for DH. I was gutted. Two days later, I felt baby kick for the first time and gradually it changed. My baby is coming up on 4 months and I completely adore him. He's such a personality.

It sounds as though you are grieving for the sort of future you had imagined might happen. This doesn't mean that you won't absolutely love your child when you meet them, just that it takes time to a different future than the one you imagined.

It also sounds like you are ashamed of feeling this way (guilt we want to tell everyone, shame we keep to ourselves). You have been brave in being able to share this publicly, that cannot have been easy.

Give yourself some time to adjust. The future will not be the one you imagined, but that does not mean you will not love your child. For you, this is a loss and an adjustment and that takes times to be okay with.

Gender disappointment is based on stereotypical expectations of what male and female children are like. If these stereotypes didn't exist, we wouldn't have gender dysphoria/people claiming to be in the 'wrong' body, because girls and boys would be able to dress/do as they please, regardless of sex.

i still feel a failure for only producing boys
This is so sad. I love being the only female in my family, I’m literally treated like a princess

Mine died, so, I was just glad to be pregnant with a healthy child again. Crying over something as pathetic as the sex....smh.

I think the expectation that we as women must want daughters or on a whole that one of each sex is the perfect combination is very prevalent and contributes to people experiencing this disappointment.
I recently gave birth to DC3, a girl after two boys. She is now 5 weeks old and utterly lovely but no more lovely than her two older brothers. I didn't find out the sex for any of mine and I really didn't mind either way. The expectation that I did mind however, coming from other people was massive!

Throughout my pregnancy I had constant comments such as 'you'll be hoping for a girl then'. I honestly felt that other people would be disappointed on our behalf if we didn't have a girl. My MIL (who is usually very lovely and I get on very well with) even saw the scan photo and said 'sadly lemon I think it's another boy'. This is said by the woman who absolutely dotes on her grandsons.

When DD was born it was almost like she was a prize that I had won, the holy grail of a daughter after putting up with having two boys
The comments now are all 'oh I'm so pleased you got your girl' , as though if I'd had another boy he would somehow be less wanted.
These comments are not just occasional, they have occurred extremely frequently throughout my pregnancy and since DD was born. I have always said I was having a baby because we wanted another child not a particular sex but that view has been constantly questioned.

I have never experienced this but read an academic article linking it with evolutionary traits. Women are often disappointed to be having sons and men are disappointed to be having a daughter. I can't remember where I read it but it offered some interesting insight into this issue which is so taboo. Very few people want to talk about this IRL and as pps have said they can't explain it themselves.

You'll be fine OP

Yes, agree girls are seen as a prize. 'You got your girl' is a really common one and YY to people being disappointed for you.
I am happy with my boys.
Is it that celebrity Danielle Lloyd who's going to America to ensure a girl? Totally get why and woudnt be surprised if thats what the beckhams did tbh.

To be honest, if gender disappointment was a likelihood for you, why did you find out? You will love your child either way and probably feel silly and a bit guilty that you ever cried over something so trivial.

I suspect it's a boy and you want a girl. I have one of each of these- they have their own lovely personalities which are nothing to do with their sex.

It might be a real thing, but to many it is offensive and you should do your very best to get over this in any way you can and understand how lucky you are that your scan showed no anomalies.

I’ve got 3 boys and, do you know, they’re amazing and bonkers and mine and my live would not have been better if they had been girls.

Give your head a wobble, op.

I hope you're ok OP, you didn't come back

I agree with the poster who said to go and buy some cute little baby outfits. I've no doubt that they will melt your heart