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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Gender disappointment

113 replies

S8765 · 25/08/2018 21:42

We found out today what baby's gender is, I cant help but feel devastated and I've cried for hours about it. I can't stand the comments of congratulations and I just went to feel better about this...I'm really worried this will effect me throughout the rest of this pregnancy and when baby arrives. I just don't even want to talk about the baby with my partner or my older child. I feel so guilty too. :(

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

onetimeposter · 26/08/2018 12:08

Not surprised when the offended brigade come out in full force to ctiticise.
Its a valid feeling.

goodgirls · 26/08/2018 12:13

Its a valid feeling to prize girls over boys and be devastated to have sons?

If you say so. Remember to mention that to any boys you have if its so valid. Sure they won't mind.

askingalways · 26/08/2018 12:14

I echo other posters. Please see this baby as a blessing. I didn't get to bring my baby home and many don't get to be pregnant.
Yes it is valid to be disappointed but you need to move on quickly and look at the positives.

user1533903238 · 26/08/2018 12:30

My baby dd1 was stillborn, all I wanted was to bring her home. When I found out the sex of my dd2 I was scared, scared that my body wouldn’t be able to carry a girl for some unknown reason. I would have felt more comfortable during the pregnancy perhaps if it had of been a boy, just so it would have felt like a more spectate experience then the nightmare before it.

However the only thing that really mattered was the healthy baby at the end of it. Just think for a moment about how incredibly lucky you truly are to have that healthy baby, and the reality that so many do not have this.

onetimeposter · 26/08/2018 12:41

Good
Yes, it is.
Feelings and actions are different.
Its ok to wish it were a girl (feeling)
Its not ok to tell boys they were unwanted (action)
[Hmm]
As I said losses are awful. But the title of this thread warns what op is struggling with. You dont have to read it.

WoWsers16 · 26/08/2018 12:49

Yes she is struggling with it- but posting that original post you can not have every reply pandering to her emotions because that is not how everyone feels.
I remember talking on another thread (woman who can't give up smoking while pregnant)- that you can not just hear what you want to hear- there are people (me included) that think this is an absolute selfish and awful way to feel about an unborn baby when there are so many people who would give anything just to get pregnant once!

To be devastated and crying over it is just really sad in the fact that every child is a blessing.

Theresnodisneyending · 26/08/2018 12:56

I just don't even want to talk about the baby with my partner or my older child. I feel so guilty too

Abort then, if you already hate it so much purely because of what sex it is.

As someone whose father hated her purely for being a girl, and whose MIL openly says how much she never wanted boys (and as such dotes and spoils her precious delight of a female child to the detriment of all males born to the family), and as i said before, as someone who has also had to give birth to a dead baby, grow the fuck up. Why bother having children if you had the "risk" of having the "wrong" sex? For fucks sake, woman.

delilahswishes · 26/08/2018 13:05

Some of these posts are so sad. Why continue to have a 2nd/3rd/4th child if you know you will be devastated if its a certain sex? Its a 50/50 chance after all.

MrsG010814 · 26/08/2018 13:13

While some of the comments have been quite harsh, I do agree that you need to be grateful you have a healthy baby and more than one. So many would be thrilled to have what you do. You need to move past the disappointment for you and your family's sake as this baby didn't ask to be brought into this situation and deserves to be loved and wanted no matter their sex.

lizzybennett1926 · 26/08/2018 13:15

This thread is so sad. I'm so sorry to those who have experienced loss.
A healthy baby is all that matters here, seriously, my boys were born at 26 and 24 weeks respectively. We all nearly died. I would have given anything for a healthy newborn.
Please let go of these feelings and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy. If you can't then please seek professional help.

merlotmummy14 · 26/08/2018 13:51

I kind of understand what you're saying. I always expected myself to have a boy because I'm very tomboyish myself (which led to a distant relationship with my mother after years of fighting about wanting to wearing comfy t-shirts and cargo pants) and have never had a lot of female friends. When I found out I was having a girl I was concerned I couldn't do normal girly things for her like teach her make up or plait her hair (seems silly now). I Also didn't want her to face a lot of the double standards of sexism I had growing up (e.g. my brothers being able to run wild while I had to cross my legs like a "lady", don't burp, don't be "bossy"). Now though she is 5 months old and while I put her in the occasional dress I very rarely think of her as a girl as she's unique in every way. Female is just a label and it honestly is the last thing that comes to mind when asked to describe her. Their personality is what you think of when you think about them, not what's between their legs.

Moominfan · 26/08/2018 13:57

Op some of these posts are harsh. It's ok to feel what you feel. I wanted a girl and had a boy. Now he's here I couldn't imagine anything else. Also being a boy he's all for his mum so I'm the favourite :)?

tomhazard · 26/08/2018 14:17

Also being a boy he's all for his mum

It's this kind of mindless stereotyping that contributes towards making people have a preference for one over the other.
Girls are often also 'all for their mums' or 'all for their dads' or not picky. Depends on personality not sex.

Nutkins24 · 26/08/2018 15:50

I never in a million years thought I’d experience gd having had a pregnancy loss but I’ve certainly had a touch of it. It’s very embarrassing but lots of people have it. The sonographer I saw said he doesn’t like revealing the sex to people because so many cry when its the ‘wrong’ one. I think It’s largely irrational and stems from general anxiety about having another baby, I was also bought up in a very male dominated household that was pretty toxic and I felt like my family would suffer somehow if a boy was thrown into the mix and that we’d do a better job parenting girls. He’s nearly here and I'm totally used to the idea now. You do have to move on. There’s nothing you can do about it apart from be very grateful to have a healthy baby.

BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 26/08/2018 16:06

Threads like this upset me. I lost three babies. I couldn’t care less what gender my babies are, I just want them to be healthy.

I’m “lucky” because I have sons and a daughter, but I would’ve felt equally lucky with all sons or all daughters.

Moominfan · 26/08/2018 16:12

Eurgh tomhazard trying to make op feel better yes it's a stereotype and my little boy very much lives up to this stereotype. I wanted a girl because I came from a family full of them

BakedBeans47 · 26/08/2018 16:14

I don’t think you’re a bad person for feeling disappointment but really talk about “devastation” is absolutely not on when there are women on here who have lived through utterly horrific pregnancy experiences. Try and get a bit of perspective.

I bet it’s a boy too as it always seems to be thus on these threads 🙄

Babies are so much more than their sex. You don’t love your existing child due to their sex do you? You love them because of the person they are and because they are yours.

Congratulations on your baby

oldbirdy · 26/08/2018 16:18

When my DD was born after 3 boys, I actually had a card that said "congratulations on getting it right this time!"
I threw it away.

I never found out what any of my children were, but went into each pregnancy clear that the pregnancy must be to have a child, not to have a particular sex of child.

Let me be very clear that whilst I love my daughter very much, I do not love her any more than I love my sons.

woodfires · 26/08/2018 16:38

I heard a ted talk which said the problem with stereotypes isn't that they aren't true but that they become the only story and other different stories are shut out.

Original poster

S8765 · 26/08/2018 17:00

Thank you to the people who replied to me, maybe my feelings will change. To the people who believe in selfish and don't deserve this baby, maybe that's true but I can't change the way I feel, I didn't expect or choose to feel this way. I already beating myself up about it...
Thank you for your help and advice.

OP posts:

WoWsers16 · 26/08/2018 18:05

I hope they do change for the babies sake. Hopefully they will start to change soon. I hope the father has more happiness than you so the baby has a good chance of a happy start.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 26/08/2018 18:23

Gender disappointment is a real thing

What does this actually mean? It's a "thing"?
The term Gender Disappointment was coined by parenting websites, it irritates me when MN'ers talk about it as though it's some kind of legitimate diagnosis. Disappointment is just a normal part of life. As with any kind of disappointment a person might experience (in their career, relationships, friendships, finances or any other aspect of their life) you have a choice in that you can dwell on it or try to move on from it. Telling yourself that you "have" gender disappointment as though it's some kind of illness you've been afflicted with just prevents people from accepting the reality of their situation.

doowapwap · 26/08/2018 18:35

You say "maybe my feelings will change". This is worrying to me. Seems to imply that you think that your baby (I presume a boy) will be born and you will still be disappointed. It breaks my heart that this baby is a disappointed to you before it's even born.

willothewisp17 · 26/08/2018 18:59

it's one thing to be disappointed, I get it, but to be devastated? take a long hard look at yourself op! there are many many worse things that can happen at a scan.

devastated is a word that should be used for women who turn up to a scan to be told their baby has no heartbeat, or is very unwell and unlikely to survive.

there is nothing to be devastated about.

Original poster

S8765 · 26/08/2018 19:10

I don't know how I'll feel when the baby us here...and I am really concerned about that. I only wanted some advice on other peoples experience. Sorry to have offended so many people. Maybe I should keep my feelings to myself..
Thank you all and all the best to you guys

OP posts:

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