Unplanned third pregnancy - petrified of telling OH. Advice please!

[TryingToThinkPositively]

As the title states.. I took a pregnancy test last night and again this morning and have found myself with two positive tests now stashed away in my wardrobe.

OH and I currently have a soon-to-be 20 month old and a 7 month old who we are both lovingly obsessed with and would be entirely lost without.

I had an inkling a few days ago that I might’ve been pregnant, so I tested the waters with OH by reading him out a few threads from here about husbands who emotionally blackmail their wives in to having abortions when the woman doesn’t want one. I found myself in that situation 8 years ago with a previous partner, and suffered terribly with grief, guilt and shame for years afterwards - the guilt didn’t actually start to subside until I fell pregnant again with our first DS. Anyway, after talking through the threads with OH and him being aware of my history, he made it clear that he could see how traumatising and downright horrible those sort of situations must be for the woman, but also followed it up by saying ‘that being said, I think a third baby would kill me right now’.

I am so, so scared to tell him. Our second DS wasn’t planned either and I sobbed when I announced that pregnancy - all for it to turn out fine and left me feeling silly for getting myself so worked up. But this time is different. OH was and is adamant that two babies are enough, and 3 under 3 will be insane. Our eldest still wakes up countless times a night and our youngest starts his days at 4:30am so we’re both zombies 99.9% of the time.

I know we’re foolish for not using protection. After we discovered we were pregnant for the second time, OH threw around the old ‘that’s it, I’m getting the snip’ malarkey. I ended up convincing him not to get one as I made it clear I wasn’t done having children (I’m only 25). We reasoned that I would go on the pill and if in 5 years time he still hadn’t warmed to the idea of another baby, he was free to go and get the vasectomy. I didn’t go on the pill, and slowly but surely, we eventually stopped using condoms. For the most part we’ve been using the ‘pull out’ method (not effective, I know!), but this third pregnancy is the result of just ONE incident where it was left in.

I’m torn between telling OH as soon as we’ve got both DS’s down for their nap today, or waiting a while longer to process it more myself. OH is off work until next week so I think telling him this week is probably better, I just have no idea how to go about it and I’m petrified of him asking me to get an abortion.

Anyone been in a similar situation???

[mavydoes]

As people already wrote it's both of your responsibilities and you knew it was near a dead certain to happen.

Now - just tell him and offer him a choice of rocks to choose from and mind keep your thumbs out the way when you crunch them together on him.

[Ariela]

You could just say.'..you know you were thinking about the snip? How about booking it for next Easter?'

And let the penny drop.

[jpclarke]

You could just leave the pregnancy test in the bathroom for him to find himself.

[TryingToThinkPositively]

I've typed up a letter on the laptop for him to read either tonight or tomorrow. I'll hand it to him once the kids are down for the night, then take myself off for a walk for an hour or two to let him read it in peace.
I've jotted down my reasons as to why I can't and won't terminate - he does already know this, but I felt it important to reiterate. I've outlined that I understand it will be difficult with three, but overall, I'm happy about this news and wish for him to be happy too. I've also apologised for not telling him straight away as I do feel bad that he's currently sat opposite me, blissfully unaware that I'm pregnant again

[ch0c0milkrox]

Good luck OP

[jpclarke]

I hope it all goes well, he might surprise you. I have 3 under 3.4 months and it's busy but they entertain each other.

[jpclarke]

The baby is now 17 months and she plays with the other two and they are very good to her.

[FrancesV83]

I hope all works out well OP. Fingers crossed!

[strawberrry]

Sorry OP, no advice but I would love a 3rd and dh is dead set on us not having anymore.
I had twins where 1 passed away, so when our surviving baby was 7m we tried for another and fell pregnant pretty quick - I'm due in Oct.
I said I would love 3 altogether but he has flat out said no way not interested.
It will be so hard having 3 under 3 but so worth it! Sending you lots of luck and hope your dp takes it well xx

[TryingToThinkPositively]

So sorry to hear of your loss @strawberrry I can't even begin to imagine how hard that must've been for you and your family ❤️

I think 3 kids is a great number! 4 slightly terrifies me and 2 just doesn't feel like enough - even though it's already pretty full on most days ha!
OH was in a bit of a bad mood this morning, but has majorly perked up as the day has gone on, so now I feel like I don't want to 'ruin' it with this news. I realise I'm now essentially just finding reasons not to tell him and I will have to spill the beans before long.

Ugh. Why can't it be the blokes that get pregnant!?!

[strawberrry]

@TryingToThinkPositively I agree 3 is the magic number 😄💓 hope everything goes well xxxx

[Dinosaursdontgrowontrees]

Did you give him the letter op?

[TryingToThinkPositively]

I didn't give him the letter no, I took a slightly different, unexpected approach..

We sat down for the evening after our boys were in bed and OH could tell I was acting weird. He asked me what was wrong and I just started crying. He kept asking what was going on, but it was as though I physically couldn't let the words leave my mouth!
I'm usually so quick to say when there's something on my mind or there's a problem, so he knew it was serious. He got off of the sofa and sat on the floor in front of me with his head in my lap, and I just continued to cry, not saying anything for what felt like an eternity.

I ended up just pointing to the pregnancy tests that I'd tucked down the side of the seat which I was going to hand to him after I'd given him the letter. He took one look at them and just went "Ohhhh no" followed by a huge sigh. He sat back next to me, and put his hands on knees. After a few minutes, he told me he doesn't think we'll cope with three babies and asked me what I wanted to do about it. I was crazy emotional by this point and just whimpered "does it even matter what I want?" (Silly, I know!). He told me of course it matters etc etc. I said that I can't go through a termination so that's that.

We sat in silence for about 15 minutes before I asked him if we wants me to have an abortion, and he said he'd never ask me to do that, but I could see in his face that he's genuinely concerned how we'll get by with a third child.

We didn't say much more about it for the rest of the evening. I didn't want to be on his case about it. I've had two days for it to sink in, so I couldn't expect him to wrap his head around it in less than two hours. I told him we can put a pin in it and discuss things further when he's ready.

So, overall, I guess it didn't go terribly. But we do still need to address it properly once he's over the initial shock 😕

[Loopytiles]

The pregnancy is just as much his responsibility as yours: you both chose not to use contraception. It was an obvious risk.

Now it’s happened again, the decision about what to do is solely yours. Stop with the “do I get a say in it” uneccessary drama: it’s solely your decision. Your body, your choice. It sounds like you have decided to have DC3.

Your DP’s decision is then whether or not to stay in the relationship.

If you remain very upset, as you say you were throughout your second pregnancy, suggest seeking help from antenatal mental health services.

You say OH, so assume you’re not married? Unless you already work full time would suggest considering working. unless you personally have a lot of money or financial assets, it’s unwise to be a SAHM when unmarried.

[Amicompletelyinsane]

We had two young kids. I knew my hubby was done. However one less than careful night I found myself pregnant. I messaged him one day saying I felt sick. His reply, "" you're pregnant". So I tested, I cried, I called him- at work! It turns out he was joking and I called to tell him he was correct, in front of all his work mates, oops. He was stressed. I cried, knowing he didn't want three. From the start of our relationship I said I couldn't have abortion. Thankfully he figured I'd resent him if he made me but once meeting baby 3 he'd love it just like the others. He was right. He was never excited about the pregnancy but once little one was here no problems. We are v happy with our trio now. It's just hard work. I'm glad you told him in a better way then I did!!

[TryingToThinkPositively]

I know that once the baby is here, he'll love him/her and dote after the baby just like he does our other two - he's an amazing father and watching him with our children is amazing. He's taken to being a father so naturally that it's weird to think there was a time when it was just him and I.

I can understand why he's stressed. I don't work at the moment because of them both being so young - we agreed that I'd raise them until they could go to nursery/preschool because we didn't want both of us missing out on first steps, first words, crawling etc, so he is the sole provider and I think men have the tendency to hear about a pregnancy and straight away go in to 'okay, how will I afford this? How many more hours will I have to put in at work? What corners are we going to need to cut?'. I get that, I really do.

@Amicompletelyinsane OH also knows I'd resent him if he tries making me do something I really don't want to do.
Our babies are hard work. Our 20 month old is a terrible sleeper still and our 7 month old starts his days so early it's a joke. So again, I can see why he thinks we won't be able to cope. We're non stop as it is, but it's happened now and we have to deal with the consequences of having unprotected sex! He did say to me that he isn't playing the blame game and he knows he messed up by 'leaving it in', so with that in mind, I don't think he'd even try to pressure me in to an abortion as it's not like we were both doing everything we could to prevent this from happening.

@Loopytiles we're not married no. We've spoken about it many, many times but it just hasn't happened yet!

[Isadora2007]

Congratulations. I hope you’re feeling Okay healthwise and taking folic acid etc.
What struggles in particular are worrying your dp? Maybe you can help talk about them- money wise you will have the baby stuff for number 3 and not need much extra given the small age gaps. Maybe an extra car seat? But even that would be for later...as your second child will be out of the stage 0 one. You mentioned maybe having to move? Do you have a 2 bed currently? Baby will be in with you guys for a good while and you could conceivably manage to have three in one room until you were able to work in a few years?
Most issues are workable. But hear him out to see what his worries are. They may be about losing time with each other etc. Or money related. Or something else entirely.

[TryingToThinkPositively]

Thank you @Isadora2007 Health-wise I'm fine yeah! If I'm lucky, I may have a third pregnancy with no sickness or major complications - fingers crossed anyway!

I suspect OH is mostly just fretting over us needing to move to be honest. We currently live in a 'okay' sized 2 bed flat - it's a house that's been converted in to two flats (one up, one down) so each room is pretty spacious for a flat, though the second bedroom which is obviously being used as the boys nursery doesn't stand a chance of fitting a third cot in it, so we'd need to move within the next 12-18 months.
I've not really spoken to OH today about it all. I'm going to wait for him to come to me - he can't avoid it forever and I'd rather him talk openly about everything once his head is in the right place I think.

[Loopytiles]

Sounds like he’s likely to adjust to things, which is good.

Unless you have a lot of money of your own it’s a massive personal risk for you to be a SAHM when you’re not married, makes you very financially vulnerable. Marriage costs only a few hundred pounds.

[TryingToThinkPositively]

@WhatAnAbsolutePenis a journo? Sorry no idea what that means!

[WhatAnAbsolutePenis]

Ok OP.

[starkid]

journo = journalist

[TryingToThinkPositively]

Haha, thanks @starkid - is it too soon to blame 'baby brain' ?
Though I did change my eldest son's nappy this morning, only to take him back in to the lounge to discover I hadn't actually put a nappy back on him I swear you forget things earlier and earlier with each pregnancy.

[starkid]

Don't blame you with 2 youngsters and the latest news :) congrats by the way!