Pregnant with unplanned baby... FREAKING OUT

[CobaltRose]

Hi everyone,

I'm 21 years old and have just discovered that I am pregnant. I've been on Nexplanon for two weeks and before that we used condoms, so this was VERY much unplanned.

I've been with my fiancé for 14 months but we don't live together yet. I'm very excited and happy, but also terrified of the unknown and just how we're going to manage!

My fiancé works full time and earns around £1200 a month. I only work part time (10 hours a week) as I'm also in my first year of university. I'm planning to finish my first year and then take a year off, returning in September 2019 at which point bubba will be just under a year old.

My fiancé has already started a savings account, and we were already planning on getting our own place even before I got pregnant. He's also asked his boss for extra hours. We have a great support network from both sides of the family, thankfully.

I'm absolutely terrified of how we're going to afford this baby. I know a lot my anxiety is probably raging hormones, but I'm honestly so so scared. How can we afford it? How hard is it going to be going back to uni with a young baby? AARRGHH I'm freaking out.

Thanks for listening to my ramblings...

Don't worry about it too much ,babies don't cost that much actually ,I was 19 when I gave birth and feeling the same as you but you can get everything on the cheap and breastfeed if you wanna save on formula and when baby comes you'll get child benefit at 20ish a week which doesn't seem like much but it really helps with nappies and stuff ,bought most clothes in the sales ,I got my crib second hand but bought a new mattress, painted and distressed it, man it was so lovely and went on to sell it for double what I paid ! I didn't go all out on nursery furniture at all as it's nice but not necessary and I got my travel system in instalments which helped big time then My newborn budget was £30 a week to begin with which I managed to get formula,nappies and wipes , I highly recommend aldi nappies they're about £5.50 for a hundred or something like that and they're great quality. Also I know it's cheeky but throwing a baby shower would help as people love to buy little things for the baby and saves you a few pennies too.

If I could go back, as much as I adore my dc! I wish at 35 I was only having them now..
I wish I'd lived my life more,
Travelled, slept late. had a career, as I'm now stuck in the can't work as I'd be working to pay childcare

You're so young op
Why such a hurry to grow up

Congratulations.

Baby's aren't actually that expensive at the start, especially if you breast feed and buy used baby gear. The cost rises with children as they get bigger.

It will all work out. Sounds like your fiancé is lovely :)

You can buy almost everything second hand. Go to a local nearly new sale and join a local Facebook selling site. You only need to buy the crib mattress and car seat new. I recommend using cloth wipes - an initial outlay of £20 ish will save you loads over the next couple of years.

I'm in the same situation. I'm still living at uni and 9 weeks pregnant!

Pedro, did you miss the part where I said this was UNNPLANNED?

And, I have no desire to go travelling. Yes, I'm fairly young, but I'm not a child. It's not like I'm pregnant at 15.

You will do it op, I work with people who had DC young and I think it made them more driven and successful.

You are right to worry, of course you are. It is a massive change but babies bring a lot of love - you have a great fiance. Really wishing you all the best.

As others have said, babies can be as cheap or expensive as you let them.

One of my best friends had her daughter in first year, took a year out. Went back. Is now a primary head with a lovely teenage daughter. She had lots of family support and shed be the first to say it was hard,but she did it.

There's no perfect time/way for babies. Id just say not to buy too much (other then essential of place to.sleep and be transported) before they arrive (I know it feels like spreading the cost but you can do the same with saving) and then see how things are working out for you. Almost anything can be bought for next day delivery and you'll be surprised how much clothes in particular people buy.

Very best wishes for your pregnancy

@OkPedro How does this help the OP in any way? Stop being so hard on her just because you're not where you want to be.

OP, there are ways to do it, and you can always get things bit by bit each month or so. It's doable and there are always things reduced to keep the costs down (so even if you wanted to get some items of clothing for the future for when they grow a size, maybe get a pack of bodysuits in the next size up just so they're about when needed - hopefully that makes sense).

What you guys already have behind you is more than others have and it was wise to put things into savings early, albeit not for this scenario. Take it one week at a time. You'll get there

OkPedro

How is your comment helpful?

@OkPedro do you know what 18-21 year olds are doing with their lives? I'm glad I'm a mother because almost everyone else I know is off their face on ket every weekend ,partying non stop and racking up serious debts with nothing but a financed Mercedes to show for it. Not all but probably most and the ones who aren't just go to work ,go to sleep and repeat. I'd rather have grown up fast tbh cause I can't keep up with that life anyway. Not many people are travelling anymore unless you count going to Amsterdam or Thailand for raves and doing exactly what they do in England just in a different place LMAO

OP, your post could have been written by me four and a half years ago. I was just coming up to the end of my first year and I was pregnant. My DP and I had only been together a few months. I freaked out and was in denial for months. I deferred my second year and lived with my parents to save money on rent/mortgage.

Now my DD is 4 and she is perfect. My DP and I are still together and getting married this year. We own our own house and both have degrees and career jobs.

There were times when it was really hard but I wouldn’t change our lives for anything. You will be fabulous OP!

My first was unplanned. Ok I wasn’t as young as you but we weren’t emotionally or financially prepared. 4 years on we now have 2 children and it’s been great. You just learn to be resourceful. Have a look into benefits available to you. Keep going with your studies, it’s important to keep being you and not to fall into the trap of dedicating everything to your children. There will be plenty of time for travel etc when you are 40 and your children have grown up. Good luck.

Thanks everyone. My fiancé's mum has loads of baby stuff left over from when her youngest was a baby (fiancé has a brother that's 14 years younger!) and she's happy to give us whatever we need, which is a great help.

I'm feeling a little better after reading your lovely comments (aside from one...). Of course I'm still terrified, but it IS scary.

I'm also terrified of the unknown. This will be my first child and I've never been around young children or babies, or even held a baby! Then again I supppse a lot of new parents haven't.

Don't worry about that op. Loads of people haven't had any hands on practice, if recommend you do an antenatal course which covers the basics if baby care (I know nct do and I assume the others do too) and don't be afraid to ask for help. I think youll be just fine

Do you know what OP? I'd been around and babysat loads of babies before I had my DD (and I'm much older than you, I was 31 when she was born, she's nearly 2 now). I still didn't have a clue what to do with her when she was born, aside from you know the really obvious - keep her warm, clean and fed, don't drop her etc! Even feeding - obviously you feed your baby but when? Is she crying because she's hungry? Or tired? Or for no reason other than she's a baby?

I remember when she was about a week old crying to my DH 'this is supposed to be instinctive, and isn't it! This instinct stuff is all bollocks! I'm supposed to know what to do, and I don't, waaaaah!'

You won't automatically know what to do - but you'll learn, and you'll learn quickly. One day you'll notice that the instinct is actually there - it kind of creeps up on you until one day you're confident!

Find your local NCT group, you don't have to be a member or take the classes but they do nearly new sales frequently and I've never seen any rubbish at them. New babies don't need much. Sleepsuits, vests, muslins, somewhere safe to sleep (second hand cot/crib/moses basket is fine but always buy a new mattress) a safe car seat if you drive (this is the other thing I wouldn't buy second hand). A few blankets etc and you'll be sorted. Breastfeeding is obviously free so if you can and want to do that then fab, if you don't then that's fine too - you'll need bottles, a steriliser, a bottle brush and formula. Cheap plastic backed bibs are better value than fancy cute ones - baby puke soaks straight through those!

Cant think of anything else off hand. Good luck!

It doesn't matter if you've got all the money in the world, being pregnant with your first is bloody terrifying planned or unplanned! You'll do just great, sounds like you have a great DP and family, and don't forget people love to buy you stuff so you'll end up with loads anyway. Just plan for the big stuff e.g travel system but there's no reason to spend a fortune on it.
I'd also say don't bother setting up a nursery, as cute as they are its a waste of money until baby can go in there at 6 months. You really don't need all the fancy bits and bobs, and most of the clothes I've bought for baby have been from tesco/asda and on sale! If you just chuck the odd pack of vests in with your weekly shop now and then you don't notice it the same.
You'll do great, congratulations

@dawn96 I’m so glad that I waited to have children until my 30s. I have travelled the world, I’ve got my dream career, I have a beautiful detached home with lots of land and I didn’t ‘do ket every weekend’ thank you very much! Don’t tar all childless 20 odd year olds with the same brush!

However we all want different things from life, I’m happy with my choices as I’m sure you are with yours.

Good luck OP it sounds like your are going to be a brilliant mum! And you sound like you have a strong attitude to life - I think you will manage all this fine xxx

Thank you everyone. I don't want to give the impression that I don't want this. I'm SO excited and cannot wait until I have my baby in my arms. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't utterly terrified too.

To be honest, before this I wasn't sure if I ever even wanted kids. But now I'm actually pregnant, I want it more than anything. I imagine all the cells inside me growing and dividing, and it fills me with wonder but also a healthy dose of fear...

Hi OP, although you seem very young to me (mid 40s...probably similar age to your mum!) you seem very mature and determind which I'm sure will help.

On a practical point uni+baby will depend a lot on what degree you're doing as the contact hrs can vary so much. Also the uni may hv an on site crèche. .. you'd need to chk if there any any time limits on this that might impact on your lectures. Might be worth checking with registry if you can take a lower break if necessary after passing yr1 (is your degree modular? Cd you restart in 2nd semester instead of 1st?). Just chk and see what they offer.

Congratulations and the best of luck. You and your fiancé sound great!

I had DD a month after my 20th birthday. She was an unplanned pregnancy ( I had the coil in situ) but hand on heart, she has been the best thing ever to happen to me. She’s three now and after a tough first year finance wise, we’re all very happy and settled. I hate the notion that people who have children young are wasting their lives and given the choice to have her later in life, I’d decline and do it all over again.

Re uni, you’ll receive a childcare bursary as a student parent which covers 80% of your childcare bill which is what I did with DD when studying.

@MillieTant2018 yeah that's why I said not all and related it to my personal experience not sure if you really read what I put.

Congratulations. It is nerve wracking, even for older mums with planned pregnancies because it's a big change and a big responsibility.

Most items can be acquired free or very cheaply. Most towns/counties have Facebook pages with free or cheap baby/toddler items, also freecycle and gumtree.

Plus family and friends are usually happy to help out.

I was 28 when I had dd and we weren't struggling really financially but even still between family and friends buying gifts, giving us things they no longer needed (in a few cases I think they were glad to get rid of large bulky items) we had very little we had to get ourselves.

To the point all we had to buy clothes wise was vests and socks! Large items all we ended up needing to get ourselves was travel system (inc car seat) and new mattresses for Moses and cot.

I bf for first almost 9 months, that's a personal choice but having then had to do bottle feeds as my milk dried I had experience of both and honestly I found bf much more convenient and obviously free. I hated bottle feeding mainly as I found it a faff! But some get on well with it.

Speak to student support too, this is as you can imagine, quite common. They can help with financial advice, emotional support, guidance on how to deal with your particular uni re time off and returning later. (Procedures are mostly similar across U.K. But there are little quirks sometimes - I was a student rep and supported 2 pregnant students while they sorted out what they needed to).

Cobalt Rose, I'm 26 and also feel far too young to be pregnant. I'm 19 weeks pregnant and only now feeling less scared overwhelmed and am actually acknowledging the pregnancy better and properly planning. Opposite to you, this was actually planned but as soon as it became a reality I started doubting and having mixed feelings. I even worked in a nursery so have good experience with toddlers. However Im terrified of holding and caring for a newborn. I work as a radiographer (take xrays) and I never want to touch or carry neonates or newborns (I direct the nurses, hcas and parents) because they seem so fragile.

I'm also worrying (amongst everything else) about finances but you can find a lot of advice online (money advise service is a good one). I'd recommend being honest about your feelings with your midwife, anxiety is very common during pregnancy. I was and have been referred to mental health services. And make sure you ask for help when you need it. I'm not saying you need mental health support, but just know there are loads of support services available for pregnant women.

I'm currently doing cbt, learning how to plan for worries I can control and let go of what I can't.

And congratulations. 😊 20s is physically the best time to have a baby, there is never a 'right time'.