Husband wants abortion. First baby, unplanned. I'm so sad.

[Bibonks]

Hi all,

I'm in such a spin over this.

I'm 27, husband has just turned 29. We've been together 9 years, married for 2.

He's just finishing a PhD in philosophy and is applying for postdoc positions. I have a good, stable job in a university library, with great maternity leave / pay.

I've had two abortions with him, both due to contraceptive failure (we seem to be ridiculously fertile). The first time was an easy decision for me to make. The timing was absolutely wrong, we had no money, no stability, and could barely look after ourselves, let alone a baby. I was very early in the pregnancy and in no way did I think of it as a 'baby'.

The second time was harder. It turned out I was pregnant during our wedding; I found out about 5 days afterwards. I still made the decision, and I haven't regretted it, but it was far more stressful than the time before. We had a house by then, were settled, happy, with more financial stability. I'd thought of baby names. My husband knew it was hard for me, but didn't [I]really[/I] understand.

Since then I've been broody. I've talked over having children with him numerous times, and he wants to wait for another 5-10 years. I don't know if he is just stringing me along on this - I think he'd be happy if I said I never wanted kids.

I don't want to wait for a number of reasons, but one of the most pressing is that my parents are getting older (both now in their 70s), his parents are not in the best of health (his dad recently had prostate cancer and there's a risk it'll come back, his mum has just been diagnosed with Parkinson's and is already shaky), and I want them to have quality time with their grandchild while they're still fit and healthy enough to enjoy it. In another ten years' time, who knows what the situation will be - they may not be here, or we may well be caring for them.

After lots of soul-searching, I'd just sort of come round to the idea of waiting. I decided I'd make the most of my life, throw myself into work, distract myself from feeling so broody. But then my body seems to have played a trick on me. Thought I had the flu. Nope. HUGE dark BFP. Currently 4-5 weeks.

Obviously, my husband was terrified. He sort of assumed I'd get another abortion. But I can't. I can't face it. What do we do, just keep throwing away babies until the stars align and everything is perfect? It'll never be perfect. There'll always be something wrong. He seems to think getting an abortion is like getting the flu jab.

Yesterday he said that he'd been thinking lots about our 'situation' and that he'd decided we could 'compromise' by getting an abortion now and then definitely trying again in 5 years. I said an abortion wasn't a compromise, and that I wouldn't be getting one.

My husband is absolutely devastated. He is being incredibly cold towards me. He is saying things like 'it's like a prison sentence', 'I feel like a void has opened up in my life', 'you're going to hate being a mum', 'things will never be the same between us', 'you're being selfish'. I've tried to listen sympathetically. I know it's a shock. I know he's scared. I was an unplanned pregnancy too, and my Dad reacted in much the same way. He pressured my mum into an abortion, and it was only when they got to the clinic that my mum told him if he made her get one, she'd never love him again. He changed his mind. And as soon as I was born he was besotted, he's a wonderful dad, and equally I love him more than I can say. (I told my husband this and he just said 'great, just carry on the family tradition'.)

I hate this. I'm not a person who has a wide group of friends and confidantes. My husband is my world and my best friend, and without his support I feel utterly bereft and alone. I'm happy about this pregnancy. I've started taking my vitamins and researching birthing suites and thinking of names and I'm so excited. But I can't share any of it with him. And it's making me doubt my decision. Am I just being sentimental? Should I just get an abortion now before I get too attached? I've done it twice before, so really, what's different this time? But then I think about the little bean growing inside me and just feel so utterly sick at the thought of terminating.

Has anyone experienced this? Do you have any advice? Will he come round? Any reassuring words would help.

Your husband cannot use abortions as a form of contraception - which in effect is what he is trying to do

It does sound like a worrying relationship, doesn't it, Tippz? His comment of "just carry on the family tradition" is also so lacking in respect to OP and her family.

Yes OP get some reassurance in RL, you will have support. And we're all behind you here too...

Your body. Your pregnancy. Your baby.

Your decision.

I just want to add, I have found having a baby so wonderful. I love it so much I can't imagine a nanosecond of my day without this tiny, smiling laugh-box of silliness! Don't give it up if it's what you want xxx

This is an awful situation for you OP. From my understanding of what you have said, a termination is not what you want. To my mind that answers your question over what you should do regarding the pregnancy.

It sounds as though this will be the biggest test of your marriage so far, but please look at it for what it is. Two different people, reacting differently to the same situation. You both need to understand that the other wants something different but work towards resolution, with a baby. DH is only 29, which by today's standards could be seen as fairly young to start a family. He probably just hasn't changed that mindset yet. Hopefully he will get there.

I wish you both luck and send hugs. x

If he thinks this is a prison sentence now, how exactly is that going to change within the next 5 years? And if you get pregnant again within that period, are you supposed to go through yet more abortions? I suspect that as the 5 years ticks away he'd sneak off to have the snip when the awful realisation dawns on him that he's going to have to make good on his promise.

His reaction to something that is, after all, incredibly common seems extreme anyway. Why is it such a prison sentence? It's as if this is a diagnosis of terminal illness rather than a pregnancy. Sure, you'll have some restrictions in your lives, but in many ways it's better to get the baby/early years over and done with whilst you're both relatively young - it'll all be that much more knackering in 10 years' time.

I'm as pro choice as they come, and you sound very much like someone who doesn't want an abortion, doesn't need an abortion and therefore shouldn't have one.

You're other half does sound like a dickhead, but (in his defence) my dickhead 29 year old self would have felt much the same. I have no idea whether he'll become father of the year or not, but people have children in graduate school all the time. It works out.

I knew someone once. He did not want children. She had an abortion. She got to 40. He then met someone else who got pregnant, with his support, almost straight away. My friend was broken.

The bit that stuck out to me was:
My husband is my world and my best friend

If you continue with your pregnancy this time next year you will have a whole new world and the best little friend you could wish for.
And honestly I don't think your DH is acting like a friend at all - selfish?! You're certainly not the selfish one here.

Congratulations OP. I wish you lots of strength and luck for the road ahead, whatever it holds.

Op
There is nothing more damaging to a womans self esteem than to have a 'loving' partner who doesnt want a child with you and who actively encourages you to a abort. This has happened 3 times now. Why on earth were you not usinv contracrption properly knowing he was like this.
In your shoes i would have the baby and leave. And he should have a vasectomy to stop him ever doing this to another woman
I am pro choice. But he will fuck you up if you abort again.

OP I'm so sorry. And congratulations on your pregnancy.

My situation is quite similar to @bigmistakes - I got pregnant at 22 after going out with a guy for a couple of months. I was at law school, had no money, we both agreed it was the right thing to have an abortion. Fast forward 8 years, I'm married to the guy, we have a house, and at 30 we had 3 miscarriages in a row. I'm now pregnant for the fifth time after a lot of testing and treatment (@bigmistakes I was diagnosed with high NK cells and put on steroids which did the trick - apparently a first pregnancy can trigger this for subsequent ones) and it seems to be going ok, but I agree with all the other posters that you just cannot guarantee what will happen in the future.

You want the baby so you should have it. The question is do you still want your husband?

Sorry bold fail!

If your partner doesn't like wearing condoms then I personally would refuse to have sex with him. Abortions aren't a form of contraception (I say that as a pro-choice person!)

Why do some men let their dicks rule their heads?

Sending hugs and I'm with the majority - have your baby and leave the maniulative man-child.

The only reason I would consider an abortion would be to not have a life-long tie to that arsehole.

But actually on a serious note, no-one can make you have a termination you don’t want, and given that you’ve already had two terminations and this is your third unplanned pregnancy whatever contraception you’re using obviously isn’t working for you, and yet he’s not prepared to take any responsibility for this fact other than to demand you terminate each pregnancy as he doesn’t feel ready.

If you don’t want a termination then don’t have one. It really is that simple even though it seems much less so in the broad light of day. However, if you do decide to go ahead and terminate this pregnancy and to stay with this man I would make it very clear that he will also be required to use contraception from this point on as you’re not prepared to use termination as a contraceptive, and that failure to do so means that you will not be prepared to have sex with him so as to not risk another unplanned pregnancy.

OP I wish I could come and give you a hug, I think we might work in the same city (just guessing). I'm 10 years older than you and have seen so many of my friends (many academics) whose long term relationships foundered in their late 20s, often because the academic bloke in question wouldn't grow up and face major life decisions. Mine included. It's clear you do want children, and the way the cards have landed means that's probably going to be now. Your DH doesn't seem to be at all on the same page though. And his excuses of timing are rubbish - my now DH and I have had 2 DC while he's midway through his PhD - I don't think it's any better or worse than any other comparable job.

You have everything needed to start a family, I don't understand how much more 'perfect' things have to be to start a family also 5 years quite a long time especially when its concerning your most fertile years. I had an abortion with my first pregnancy me and my DP had only been together a couple months so I agreed to not going through with it but we've had a baby last year (6 years later) but he wasn't initially happy about,he wanted me to have an abortion but much like you this time just felt different and I just couldn't do it, he was absolutely useless throughout the whole pregnancy and labour he missed the birth so I delivered alone but all of that had to take a backseat because I knew I wanted my son even if he didn't my main concern was my baby. I was prepared to do it all alone but now my partner loves our boy, they've definitely bonded and we're working on our relationship.

For me keeping my baby was the best decision I've ever made and even if me and his dad don't work out I'll never regret having him. Go with your heart if you truly want this child, be prepared to go it alone however my saving grace was l had my mum and friends supporting me, please reach out to some sort of support network because your going to need it.

Great advice given already, especially that you cannot take your fertility for granted, it really doesn't work like that. I hope when your husband realised how important this is to you, he sees sense.

Many congratulations on your pregnancy, OP

"things will never be the same between us"

Things won't ever be the same if you have an abortion you don't want. You will regret it and grieve forever for the baby, and come to resent him for making you do it.

No one knows what lies ahead for any of us. This could actually be your last chance to have a baby. Don't go through with the abortion.

I’ll be honest, if this was my DH it would be the end of their relationship, abortion or not. Either way I would not stay with him as I don’t think he wants to have children and you’re certainly young enough to start again and meet a man who wants a family with you.

Sorry, badly worded. Either way, I don’t think that I could forgive him his words and actions.

You need to sit down and TALK to each other about this. In the same way that he can't decide alone, neither can you. Not if you want to have a long term relationship. He's probably terrified. He's just finished his PhD and doesn't have a job. If anything goes wrong with your pregnancy, you may not have a job. Men sometimes see things in a black and white way. Reassure him that you'll be fine, your job gives you maternity support. If you can pull in friends who can offer you support, then do that too. Do a budget together so he can see it will work.

Good Luck!

He sounds like he's caring only when it costs him nothing - but as soon as caring goes against what he wants, the mask comes off. The things he has said to you are simply vile. No caring partner would ever say them. Shame on him, shame, shame, shame. I am so angry for you!

You want this baby. Keep the baby. You will be an excellent mother - you sound kind, sensible and caring. What a lucky baby it will be, to have you. Good luck with the pregnancy and congratulations

PS. If we all called off a marriage as soon as one person said something in the heat of the moment, there wouldn't be many people left married!

Yes it affects him but he has no right to DEMAND you have an abortion. That's ridiculous and awful. You do what you need to do, and it it comes to separating and co parenting (if he wants any involvement) then so be it