Husband wants abortion. First baby, unplanned. I'm so sad.

[Bibonks]

Hi all,

I'm in such a spin over this.

I'm 27, husband has just turned 29. We've been together 9 years, married for 2.

He's just finishing a PhD in philosophy and is applying for postdoc positions. I have a good, stable job in a university library, with great maternity leave / pay.

I've had two abortions with him, both due to contraceptive failure (we seem to be ridiculously fertile). The first time was an easy decision for me to make. The timing was absolutely wrong, we had no money, no stability, and could barely look after ourselves, let alone a baby. I was very early in the pregnancy and in no way did I think of it as a 'baby'.

The second time was harder. It turned out I was pregnant during our wedding; I found out about 5 days afterwards. I still made the decision, and I haven't regretted it, but it was far more stressful than the time before. We had a house by then, were settled, happy, with more financial stability. I'd thought of baby names. My husband knew it was hard for me, but didn't [I]really[/I] understand.

Since then I've been broody. I've talked over having children with him numerous times, and he wants to wait for another 5-10 years. I don't know if he is just stringing me along on this - I think he'd be happy if I said I never wanted kids.

I don't want to wait for a number of reasons, but one of the most pressing is that my parents are getting older (both now in their 70s), his parents are not in the best of health (his dad recently had prostate cancer and there's a risk it'll come back, his mum has just been diagnosed with Parkinson's and is already shaky), and I want them to have quality time with their grandchild while they're still fit and healthy enough to enjoy it. In another ten years' time, who knows what the situation will be - they may not be here, or we may well be caring for them.

After lots of soul-searching, I'd just sort of come round to the idea of waiting. I decided I'd make the most of my life, throw myself into work, distract myself from feeling so broody. But then my body seems to have played a trick on me. Thought I had the flu. Nope. HUGE dark BFP. Currently 4-5 weeks.

Obviously, my husband was terrified. He sort of assumed I'd get another abortion. But I can't. I can't face it. What do we do, just keep throwing away babies until the stars align and everything is perfect? It'll never be perfect. There'll always be something wrong. He seems to think getting an abortion is like getting the flu jab.

Yesterday he said that he'd been thinking lots about our 'situation' and that he'd decided we could 'compromise' by getting an abortion now and then definitely trying again in 5 years. I said an abortion wasn't a compromise, and that I wouldn't be getting one.

My husband is absolutely devastated. He is being incredibly cold towards me. He is saying things like 'it's like a prison sentence', 'I feel like a void has opened up in my life', 'you're going to hate being a mum', 'things will never be the same between us', 'you're being selfish'. I've tried to listen sympathetically. I know it's a shock. I know he's scared. I was an unplanned pregnancy too, and my Dad reacted in much the same way. He pressured my mum into an abortion, and it was only when they got to the clinic that my mum told him if he made her get one, she'd never love him again. He changed his mind. And as soon as I was born he was besotted, he's a wonderful dad, and equally I love him more than I can say. (I told my husband this and he just said 'great, just carry on the family tradition'.)

I hate this. I'm not a person who has a wide group of friends and confidantes. My husband is my world and my best friend, and without his support I feel utterly bereft and alone. I'm happy about this pregnancy. I've started taking my vitamins and researching birthing suites and thinking of names and I'm so excited. But I can't share any of it with him. And it's making me doubt my decision. Am I just being sentimental? Should I just get an abortion now before I get too attached? I've done it twice before, so really, what's different this time? But then I think about the little bean growing inside me and just feel so utterly sick at the thought of terminating.

Has anyone experienced this? Do you have any advice? Will he come round? Any reassuring words would help.

Wow. Thanks so much for all your advice and support. I never expected so many responses, and such strong ones too. You're all brilliant.

I did message him (he's at work today), saying that I would go to my parents' this weekend if he needed some space, but that I would be telling my Mum and asking her advice because I felt so alone and miserable. I told him that I considered him my best friend and soulmate, but was having a hard time believing that my best friend and soulmate could treat me so appallingly, and I needed someone to lean on.

After a long time, he replied basically saying the 'why now, why not get another abortion, we can try again in a few years' time, I feel the decision's been taken away from me, why can't we decide together'. Same old.

So, buoyed up by your response, I told him that I wasn't about to put my body and mental health through the wringer just to give him another 5 years of arsing about. I reminded him of all the procedures and pain and indignity I'd gone through already, and told him that my body wasn't a commodity for his pleasure, and that if he hadn't wanted children he should have had a vasectomy (or at least grumbled less about wearing condoms). I brought up your points about fertility, and about there never being a right time, and about how he was just stringing me along. And I told him how heartbroken and furious I was with him. And finally I told him that I wouldn't be having an abortion, and either he could decide to support me and be a part of this, or opt out and I'd go it alone, but either way there was no way I would let him try to bully and belittle and manipulate me into doing something I didn't want.

I think he hadn't quite realised how much this meant to me. And he replied (again after a long time) saying (for the very first time) that if I decided to keep the baby, he'd be the best father and husband he could - which was an incredible surprise!! He said that maybe the 12-week scan would make it more real and he'd feel differently. (I didn't know he knew there was a 12-week scan - he must have been researching?!).

He also said that I had to promise not to tell our future child about how he'd reacted. He said that he wouldn't want the child to feel unloved or resented. So I think he's already feeling ashamed of himself.

He said he loves me. I said I love him and we'd be fine, and he said 'yeah, I think we'll make a decent job of it'...

So! A turning point? I obviously am now very cautiously excited but we'll still be treading on eggshells for a while. Just going to try and stop stressing out now and try and relax and take care of myself. I feel like my heart has been pounding and I've been on the brink of tears / crying for about 72 hours straight - it can't be good for the baby!

Thank you all again for your advice and support. I'm so grateful for all your opinions, and you've been so non-judgemental and kind. You're the first people to say 'congratulations' to me (even my sister didn't, but it's a little formal and weird for her so I wasn't offended ) xxx

I got accidentally pregnant by someone I'd been seeing for less than a year, he was nearly 50 and done with kids. He said he would support my choice whatever it was

I can't imagine an actual husband of mine, who is been with for a decade being such an arse as your husband

Just...tread carefully.

I still think he's a prick.

A bloody good update lass. Very well done you. You're going to be a grand role model to your little one xx

Wow, congratulations!

I've been reading your thread thinking how awful he sounds, but your update is really positive.

The fact that he told you he'll be the best father he can, and that he's already worrying about you one day telling your child he didn't want him/her shows he's not such a heartless bastard after all.

Wishing you all the best

I'm glad you were able to have that conversation.

I don't think that's the end of it, though. Nine months is a long time, and eighteen years longer than that (as if that's the limit of your responsibility).

If he's allowed to stipulate that you can't tell the child that he didn't want it, then I think you're allowed to stipulate that he can't ever remind you of that either - not even when you're knee-deep in sleep deprivation or preteen hormones or whatever challenges your child throws at you.

Congratulations, for the pregnancy and how you dealt with your husband. :)

It sounds promising, but don't let him try to change your mind or as a cop out to being a good father.

Fingers crossed for a successful pregnancy and marriage.

Oh dearie me.

I'm so sorry, op, but your husband sounds like an abusive, controlling, self-centred prick! It doesn't sound as though he ever wants to have children.

Congratulations on your baby

That’s a very promising update, OP! Maybe he genuinely didn’t realise how much he was asking of you. WELL done for sending such a brilliant, strong message. If he properly gets his act together now, you’ll be able to forgive his ridiculous behaviour.

Good for you! Do NOT let him use this as a stick to beat you with, it takes two to make a baby. I think I'd still go to your friend's and say you just need some time to decompress. Because you do.

Have just read your update. As pp said, tread VERY carefully.

You are amazing for saying all of that OP

OP there is absolutely nothing wrong with getting an abortion but please please don't do it when you don't want to because someone else wants you to. It would be so damaging to you.

with my optimistic hat on, maybe he is just freaking out and will come around.

more realistically he may just be a dick.

either way, do what YOU want to do x

I really hope that things work out for you.

Congratulations to you both, perhaps he could come with you to your booking in appointment so he feels involved from here on.

here's to a healthy pregnancy, a healthy baby and a healthy relationship. Sorry, OP, your glass contains Ribena.

OP, I know a LOT of academics. When you are immersed in that world it can be the be all and end all of everything- careers and post doc positions and the next conference and research application and REF ad infinitum..... it never stops....

My guess is he's the very worst kind- he's very very special and you're a non supportive meanie to be putting forward something that doesn't 100% facilitate the academics hamster wheel he's put you both on for a long time.

I don't believe at all he has any intention of having a child.

Don't lose your chance.

Sounds like you've done a shed load to facilitate his priorities and wishes over the years- if your relationship is genuine he'll acknowledge while he's ambivalent now this is hugely important to you, and man up about this situation and support YOU.

The fact he knows theres a 12 week scan seems odd. Did he maybe get someone pregnant when he was very very young and this is all a bit of a flashback to that?

Oooo I am so happy to read that update! Well done on your message to him, it said everything you needed to. Hopefully you can now move on together positively with the baby!!

Congratulations op that's a massive step in the right direction.
I would still take it slowly and give him some space if he needs it; you are a few weeks ahead of him in the getting used to the idea stakes but I know if it were me I would probably get a bit carried away now he has finally come round and possibly get a bit OTT.
I think what u said is right, take some time to look after yourself, the next few weeks maybe tough for you physically and emotionally so cry if you need to, rest when you need to and I really hope everything works out for you :)

Well done, OP - brilliantly handled and that's the best update. I am optimistic that he had just hadn't stopped to think things through properly and was probably panicking. I really hope he steps up from now on!

Best of luck to you for a smooth and supported pregnancy and beyond

Tread carefully, he sounds very manipulative

Good on you, way to go. Fantastic reply.I hope that when the baby is born, it does get hard at times, he does not use it as a stick to beat you with.

I’m glad to read that update, and I hope that he is as good as his word. But remember this op - all the strength that it must have taken to be so frank with him is still within you. You love him, and you want him - but if push comes to shove, if the chips are down, you don’t need him. You can do this on your own if you absolutely must - although I very much hope you don’t have to. But don’t ever let anyone make you feel that you can’t.

And I agree with the pp who said that if he’s allowed to stipulate that you never tell the child about this, then equally he’s never allowed to throw this whole episode back in your face.

Now, enjoy your pregnancy, as much as you can (honestly, I bloody hated being pregnant!) and onwards and upwards for you all.

Congratulations OP I hope he means what he said. As others have said, please tread carefully. You said he's your world and I know from experience that feeling that way about a man can leave you vulnerable, it can make you accept behavior that should actually be unacceptable, often without even realising.

Oh well done OP, I've been following this all day. Tread very carefully but wishing you the very best of luck