URGENT! Help, do we tell them?

[Heregoeseverything]

I am due to be my friend's bridesmaid at her wedding next year. My husband is to be groomsman at the same wedding.

My friend has just told me that it looks like they are about to finally lock down a date for the wedding after a number of changes for various reasons.

The problem is, I am 7 weeks pregnant and the date chosen is 16 days before my due date (though I will likely have a Caesarean two weeks early). The wedding will be in Spain. So I won't be able to travel to the wedding, and there must be a real chance of my DH being unable to go either if baby arrives early (I arrived early) or Caesarean is recommended for just before or the day of the wedding.

We have both been quite clear that we don't want to tell anyone at all until after the 12-week scan - ie we have not even told our parents. I hate the thought of people knowing about a miscarriage or termination for medical reasons, and feel more relaxed without the additional expectation/potential disappointment of others being attached to the pregnancy.

But I'm thinking our friends might be cross if we tell them too late that neither of us can go? I think the couple would probably go ahead if only I couldn't go, but might well want to switch if neither of us could go, my DH being the groom's oldest friend.

Should we tell them?

Definitely, for a long list of reasons.

Definitely. Would be wrong to not.

Tell them after your 12 week scan. I doubt they would change their wedding date for you - no disrespect!! And you being early has no bearing on your dc!! Wish them well and have a gathering when they return.

Do they know you are ttc?

I think with an abroad holiday there is always going to be some people who cant make it. Though if you are both in the wedding party then I assume you are all close enough to justify the expense.

Could you maybe suggest to her that you and dh are ttc and you are concerned the dates may overlap? You cant travel from is it about 32 weeks or something and if you end up with a csec can be out of action for a couple of months so maybe just say to her that it "if all goes well and what not, its likely dates will overlap. Not sure whether you want to choose alternative groomsmen/BMs just incase then if we dont end up falling pg we can attend as guests?"

Then at about 14/15 weeks tell her you are pg

Tell them, what’s the big deal?

Firstly, congratulations!
I do think though, that on this occasion telling your friends may be the best choice. Booking a wedding is costly and they may be disapointed if they book it and then either cant have you there, or have to pay to move everything.
Is there anyway you could just tell the bride and groom and keep it from everyone else until the 12 week scan?

I wouldn't tell them tbh. The only thing they could do is change the date to accommodate you and DH, but you could give birth early or late, you may not want to travel with a newborn etc.

So unless they're likely to push the date back a good few months, I wouldn't tell them.

And booking a date is hard enough without accommodating other people's possible travel restrictions.

I would! Difficult positiin to be in though.

I would definitely tell them and let them decide what they want to do. Ask them not to tell anyone else yet.

Tell them!

And in the (hopefully very unlikely) event of you having a miscarriage or needing a termination, you may find yourself needing all the support you can get from friends and family

Thanks very much for the responses.

@Justbooked I really think they might for both of us, especially my DH. If I thought there was no chance then I would say nothing and wouldn't worry. As I say they have changed the provisional date for other reasons which arguably were of less impact. Of course they won't once it's booked, but they haven't finalised it yet.

@NapQueen This doesn't work because if we were merely trying to conceive now and not yet pregnant, I would definitely be able to fly - it's 36 weeks (32 for twins!).

@allthegoodusernames The big deal is that we didn't want to tell anyone until 12 week scan in case of things going wrong and to keep my anxiety low, and it's arguably a bit odd to tell two friends 5 weeks before our own parents.

@mo11y Could I trouble you to set out the reasons?! I want to make sure it's the right thing to do...

How often do you see them? Could you tell them a half truth and hope their maths is a bit lacking? Something like if you get pregnant right now it wouldn’t work. Can they therefore make it earlier or wait a month (5weeks) to make it definite?

Actually what I suggested is close to NapQueen’s solition.
Just because you can fly at eight months, doesn’t mean you personally will be willling or able? You can just be cautious about flying late on? And who’s to say it won’t be twins?! (Not really, obviously.)

Just to say - having unfortunately been on the side of things going really quite awfully wrong - telling people early doesn’t make that happen or protect you from it if it does. Also - you need your people. If they’re friends who you’d tell about losing a baby it makes sense to tell them about being pregnant - particularly in this instance.
Obviously only my own opinion. I know you’re reluctant but there isn’t an easy way around it other than to let them know.

@NerNerNer It's definitely true that it may not suit me anyway but my DH could go as long as he wouldn't miss the birth. Also if they did go ahead with the same date I'd at least feel we had warned them of the possibility rather than letting them go in blind, I think they would be very disappointed if neither of us could go and might blame us if we knew and said nothing.

@sparechange I'm quite a private person and wouldn't want all my friends and family (especially ILs) to know about a miscarriage or in particular a termination for medical reasons, on which I suspect some people will have different views. I would also like people to know only if I chose to tell them rather than because I had to tell them - as in, the bride is a very dear friend but I have other very dear friends who've had a similar experience in whom I would probably confide instead if it came to it.

Cross-post - the second paragraph above is my response to KTD27 also, I'm very sorry you had an awful experience

I’m not sure it would help if you tell them now. Even if you’re very close and hey wanted to include you both, they’d need to bring the date forward a lot to make sure you can travel comfortably and do your bridesmaid stuff. Like a couple of months sooner - that kind of changes the time in the year and gives other guests at the wedding less notice.

I think I’d just keep the info to yourself and tell them when you normally would. Hopefully, your husband will be able to go away for literally 48h to attend with some support for your from your family.

@RoganJosh They are both extremely bright and definitely would not be fooled by incorrect pregnancy maths! Again, it's possible I wouldn't want to fly at 8 months, but my DH could go. The problem isn't so much that I can't fly, but the risk that DH might not be able to go either.

Thanks @JoJo, I have no problem at all with my DH travelling, it's the risk of missing the birth that's the problem, he wouldn't want to go if there was any risk of this...

(And again I think they'd get over me not attending, but perhaps not both of us)

I would definitely tell them.

Heregoes yes but you could already be unknowingly pregnant. She doesnt have to know now that you know now.

If you are close enough to them to be bridesmaid/groomsman and they'd be upset if you couldn't make it then I'd tell them. What does your oh think?

@NapQueen To be honest I feel like that would bring double the disadvantages - because if they believed the "We tried this month and if it worked then neither of us might be able to come" story then they definitely wouldn't move it (because that's so speculative and it's statistically improbable that someone will get pregnant in any one month) and would still feel misled if we confirmed that actually I knew I was 7 weeks pregnant at the time. If I were to say that we only just tried yesterday, then my DH would definitely still be able to go and so would I, as we would be well clear of the 36 weeks. If I said I'm nearing the end of the 2ww she would ask me to tell her when I knew for sure (and DH would very likely still be able to go as the wedding would be 5 weeks before my due date rather than 2). If I told her I could well be solidly pregnant but just don't know she would wonder why on earth I couldn't take a test.

If they didn't believe it but suspected I was actually pregnant then I would effectively have told them anyway and they would be more likely to talk to other people about the possibility. Again they might feel slightly cross that we didn't tell them properly.

@Ameliablue

He's okay with telling them but happy to be guided by me as the not telling is more my anxiety than his really... but he doesn't want to miss either wedding or birth which is totally understandable!

I'm certainly tending toward telling them, tonight...