Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

URGENT! Help, do we tell them?

58 replies

Heregoeseverything · 19/11/2017 17:23

I am due to be my friend's bridesmaid at her wedding next year. My husband is to be groomsman at the same wedding.

My friend has just told me that it looks like they are about to finally lock down a date for the wedding after a number of changes for various reasons.

The problem is, I am 7 weeks pregnant and the date chosen is 16 days before my due date (though I will likely have a Caesarean two weeks early). The wedding will be in Spain. So I won't be able to travel to the wedding, and there must be a real chance of my DH being unable to go either if baby arrives early (I arrived early) or Caesarean is recommended for just before or the day of the wedding.

We have both been quite clear that we don't want to tell anyone at all until after the 12-week scan - ie we have not even told our parents. I hate the thought of people knowing about a miscarriage or termination for medical reasons, and feel more relaxed without the additional expectation/potential disappointment of others being attached to the pregnancy.

But I'm thinking our friends might be cross if we tell them too late that neither of us can go? I think the couple would probably go ahead if only I couldn't go, but might well want to switch if neither of us could go, my DH being the groom's oldest friend.

Should we tell them?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

cakeandteajustforme · 19/11/2017 18:24

Surely it’s less anxiety for you to tell them now than the alternative weeks of worrying about their reactions etc?

Surely they will keep quiet regarding your news and will be grateful that you’ve told them early. I can’t see any downsides to telling them except your preference to wait to 12 weeks. Which comes full circle to the anxiety... the next five weeks of pregnancy are bad enough without adding in anxiety!

relaxitllbeok · 19/11/2017 18:24

Tell them, so they can line up other people to be in the wedding without it being so late that they have to tell those people they're second choices! Be clear that you're only telling them now because of the wedding, so they don't blab about it. And congrats!

JoJoSM2 · 19/11/2017 18:33

Well, at our wedding it was a bit touch and go whether the best man would attend as his partner was about to pop. DH just asked sb to be the back up if needed. We totally understood that someone wouldn’t risk missing the birth of their child and supporting their partner to attend a wedding! Hopefully, your friends are reasonable too.

ArkadyRose · 19/11/2017 18:36

You say you're 7 weeks now; have you considered going for a private, early viability scan? At 7 weeks, if you see a heartbeat that drops your risk of miscarriage down to something like 2-5%. If you see a heartbeat, would that be a reassurance enough to make you feel comfortable telling certain people like your family and the couple now, instead of waiting until 12 weeks?

ArkadyRose · 19/11/2017 18:40

FTR, I was in the same position a couple of weeks ago, as the friend who was my matron of honour at my wedding is getting married in Austria next year the exact weekend my baby is due. As she's such a close friend, I let her know straight away. She agrees that I couldn't have a better excuse for missing her wedding! (Even if we travelled by train, I wouldn't want to risk having to give birth in an Austria hospital as my German is too rusty for me to feel happy about negotiating dealing with midwives - plus the venue for the wedding is a Gasthof up in the Tyrol halfway up a mountain, so getting to the hospital might take too long anyway....)

Original poster

Heregoeseverything · 19/11/2017 18:40

@ArkadyRose I'm getting a private scan and Harmony test at 10 weeks and want to wait until I get those results back. Really don't want to tell my parents and in particular ILs until then, so would just tell these friends and keep to original plan with everyone else. One issue in particular is that we have decided that we would not keep the child if he or she has a serious chromosomal disorder, and there would likely be different views on this among friends and family which I really wouldn't want to bring upon myself.

OP posts:

Lillybilly20 · 19/11/2017 18:41

I would keep it to myself until your 12 week scan. If you tell them now they might feel pressured to change their plans and they may not want to xx

BewareOfDragons · 19/11/2017 18:44

You are making too big a deal of this imo.

Tell them. Tell them you haven't told your parents of families yet because it's too early, but you really felt that they ought to know now because of the proposed new wedding date and requirement to travel for it. Tell them you won't be offended if they go ahead without you, but you wanted them to have all the information that you have at the moment. And to please not tell anyone else that you are pregnant because you're not ready to share the news yet.

NancyJoan · 19/11/2017 18:45

Just tell them. If you miscarry, if will be good for both of you to have someone who knows, and if you have a termination for medical reasons, you can just tell them you lost the baby.

AnneElliott · 19/11/2017 18:46

I would tell them. Just make it clear you're not telling your parents yet, and swear them to silence.

hellybellyjellybean · 19/11/2017 18:48

I would definitely. If you are close enough to be that involved in the wedding then you are that close if something happened you would tell them. Congrats btw!

HaHaHmm · 19/11/2017 18:52

I would tell them, and take the attitude that you will be able to count on their support in the unlikely event that the worst happens.

You seem quite fixated on the possibility of a tfmr. Are you or DH at higher risk for chromosomal abnormalities?

MarmiteandToast · 19/11/2017 18:55

I'd definitely tell them.

It sounds like you are close enough that it would be really important for them for you to be there, and that you'd really like to be.

If they know now they could well change dates before spending any money - I think you'd feel awful if they moved everything later at expense

I know it's not ideal for you if not comfortable but I think it's ok to tell close friends first rather than family in this case

Oh and congratulations!

PaperdollCartoon · 19/11/2017 18:58

Tell them. It’s your DHs oldest friend, your a bridesmaid, you’re obviously close. Be honest with them.

My DPs oldest friend got married this summer, he was best man and I was a bridesmaid. It was in another country. I know they would have been so upset if we couldn’t have been there, and in these circumstances may well have wiggled the date.
Say it’s too secret and you’re telling no-one else, and certainly don’t expect them to fit their wedding around you, but that if they go with a date around that time it’s very likely you won’t be there and just wanted to give them a heads up. They haven’t set a date yet, better to tell them no when it can be changed if they want to, rather than later when it’s booked.

thingymaboob · 19/11/2017 19:22

It seems like you're really close to this couple. Why wouldn't you tell them?

Original poster

Heregoeseverything · 19/11/2017 19:37

@thingymaboob Because we didn't want to tell anyone until 12 weeks, and because it's maybe a bit odd to tell 2 friends (not necessarily our best best friends, though close) before even our parents. Another reason put forward by pp is that it could make them feel pressured to change the date.

But my initial hunch was to tell them...so I'm waiting for bride to call me back now. Thanks for confirming my hunch, all!

OP posts:

Original poster

Heregoeseverything · 19/11/2017 19:50

Just to add, having talked it over with my DH he is totally unwilling to take even the small risk of being in Spain when I give birth, or to miss the first few days after birth. Which means that if the wedding goes ahead, unless I have had a very early birth, it is very likely that neither of us will be able to go. I think the couple deserve to know this before they lock the date down.

Thanks for the congratulations and advice!

OP posts:

prevlurker123 · 19/11/2017 19:55

Sounds like a good decision. Just read the thread. I was in exactly the same scenario 2 years ago. It was really stressing me out so I told them about 7 or 8 weeks, and made it very clear that regardless of what date it was within that 6 month period, we wouldn't be travelling. And they were more than understanding, and I felt like a weight had been lifted and got on with my pregnancy. The couple had a UK party after their wedding which I went to, and even got to wear a bridesmaid dress to feel part of it!

Original poster

Heregoeseverything · 19/11/2017 21:03

Thanks prevlurker!

I spoke to the bride and while it's not totally finalised it does look like they will have to have the wedding on that date. As I say the date has already been moved around for other reasons and they need to set it down for once and for all. I totally understand that but will feel terrible if DH misses the wedding and then I don't even give birth until he would have been back anyway! Do you think it would be really stupid for him to go to Spain for 48 hours 16 days before the due date in circumstances where he can't countenance missing the birth...?! I guess it would be taking a risk that he just isn't willing to take...

OP posts:

NancyJoan · 19/11/2017 21:08

First baby, as long as you and baby are healthy and all is well, He could go. Baby might not arrive for another two weeks even after yr date.

PurpleDaisies · 19/11/2017 21:13

Do you think it would be really stupid for him to go to Spain for 48 hours 16 days before the due date in circumstances where he can't countenance missing the birth...?!

If he really doesn’t want to risk missing it, he shouldn’t go. No one can predict when babies come. My best friend had hers three weeks early with her dh on a business trip in Germany. He missed the whole thing.

concernedmummy101 · 19/11/2017 21:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

Heregoeseverything · 19/11/2017 21:47

@NancyJoan Yes, but what PurpleDaisies said!

I probably won't give birth while he is in Spain. But I certainly can't guarantee I won't.

It's a shame, he will be really disappointed to miss the wedding, he was so excited. But he would be devastated to miss the birth. It's a shame it's not in the UK so he could rush back.

OP posts:

cakeandteajustforme · 27/11/2017 10:55

All sounds very reasonable! Hope you feel less anxious now having told them.

My husband was travelling within Europe up to 39 weeks for me. As long as it's somewhere with regular flights shouldn't be too worrisome given typical labour lengths.

Original poster

Heregoeseverything · 27/11/2017 13:42

Thanks @cakeandteajustforme but I think it comes down to the same point, being that it will probably be okay but there is a risk, and it's a risk my DH is not willing to take.

Not only is the length of labour of course not guaranteed, but nor could it be guaranteed that he could just hop on the next flight from Spain. If I went into labour at say 1030pm, by the time he had got to the airport he would likely have missed the last flight of the day. Even if he could get straight onto a 630am flight the next morning (which really can't be guaranteed during the summer from Spain to the UK) he would at best make it to the hospital from the airport at 1030am, 12 hours later.

Also, as my birthing partner he is not willing to risk me going through labour on my own (I would be on my own if he were not there, I have no family members who could step in). So it's not just the birth that's the issue.

Bride and groom may now be changing wedding date... fingers crossed...

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3