Why choose not to breastfeed?

[MissBax]

I work in healthcare and have just been on a breastfeeding workshop as part of my training. I knew the benefits of breastfeeding for mother and baby anyway, but couldn't believe just how incredible it really was!
I was just wondering what people's reasons were for not breastfeeding? I'm not asking about health reasons or those who have suffered abuse etc. But just wondering why some women simply choose not to?
I'm not being a GF either before anyone offers me a biscuit 😉 just genuinely curious why someone would choose to bottle feed?

Don't have too much to add but just wanted to address @Clalpolly

You've said a couple of times now that you 'failed'. Please please don't feel like that. You fed your baby/ babies, you absolutely did not fail.

It might not have worked according to your first plan but I think lots of us had things not go to plan: birth; feeding; organic meals from scratch every night; no sweets; limited TV (ok the last three might just have been my plans that didn't work out )

You sound like a kind and loving mother and I'm positive your children are lucky to have you.

Again please do not think you 'failed' to do anything. Breastfeeding not working out for you is not your 'failure' in any way shape or form.

Apologies if I've misinterpreted your posts but I have a friend who sobbed on my shoulder that she wanted to ff her twins and couldn't cope trying to bf any more. She actually told me that she wanted someone to tell her it was ok to stop. I practically demanded that she stop; she was breaking her heart over it.

I was one of the lucky ones and bf worked out well for me and DS but the guilt some women put themselves through over this is truly awful. You didn't do anything wrong. You did the best for your family. That's the most any of us can ever do

Take care

It is a recognised term that adequately conveys the point I was trying to make"

It may be a recognized term but it is also crass and ignorant. See also Feminazi.

Has anyone done a proper study of one of the countries that has a very high takebup of bf? Do we know what they do differently to us?

Bertrand I never said the term wasn't crass, but its not about insulting anyone it's a genuine negative attitude if the word offends it's understandable but I'm not going to apologise using an offensive term in that context, I'm not really one for censorship.

I even put it in inverted commas because it's obviously not a concept I support or agree with. But I'm not going to derail this whole thread by having a whole debate over the acceptable use of words, so hope you understand why I won't be responding to any more comments on the matter..

Thank you Mutiny. I hope your friend is doing ok. You sound like a good pal to have.

For one, Scandinavia has less of the problems I mentioned above. The gap between rich and poor is less. Less disenfranchisement. Education, social and health care, as well as transport, are generally better funded. Better maternity and paternity benefits, with opportunities for time off. Lower cost childcare. Etc. Perhaps part of the reason. And simple cultural differences, such as attitude towards the naked body and breasts. Here they are taboo.

As a first time mum you have no idea what to expect. So imagine you go to a seminar and all you hear is how great breastfeeding is. Then you genuinely question why others aren't doing it. Naiive maybe, but many complain about the lack of discourse on the realities of BF then in the same thread attack a new mum for asking questions. This hardly is improving conversations to breakdown the taboo of BF. If anything it is making things worse. Stop projecting defensiveness here. Think what you wish youd known before your baby was born. That's the answer to OP'S question.

You didn't fail, clalpolly

The guilt and emotion round this issue is intense - I know because I carried on waaaaay past when I should have pretty much because of it. I was just lucky and it sorted itself out eventually but I'm aware that was blind luck - nothing I did specifically.

Failing your kids is stuff like failing to keep them safe in harmful situations. You didn't do that, you tried your utmost to do something and it didn't work out. That's not failing. Look around next time you're in a group - can you tell which of those people were breastfed? Nope. Some people just can't feed. Others try and circumstances are against them (babies in Scbu, tongue ties etc.) none of it is failing.

See this is what pisses me off so much about the breast is best thing. It doesn't say 'breast is generally best. If you're struggling and you want t feed here's a ton of support, but make sure above all your child is fed, whatever method.' It puts all the guilt and shame on the mother without offering any real support or help.

If we really want to increase bf rates we need to do it positively. Better support at birth - more one on one time and resources for birth ward staff. More positive images in the media. Let's have someone feeding their baby in the background in eastenders without it being a plot line or any big deal. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Support and a positive environment is what's needed, not making women who can't/don't want to bf feel like shit.

Sorry meant taboo of formula feeding

Sorry meant taboo of formula feeding

I chose my mental health over breastfeeding after 24 hours and a c section.

With my second,we are 7 months in and still breastfeeding. The first 2 weeks, feeding virtually continuously with bleeding, cracked, horrifically painful nipples and engorged painful breast. I also had very weird raynauds syndrome in my nipples which was so painful, especially as she was a winter baby.

And on those health benefits, whilst yes I know about the benefits of breastfeeding, my 3 year old was formula fed from 1 day old until 15 months. She has had 1 cough, a few sniffles and 1 minor ear infection. She is very advanced for her age and was signing and had her first word at 6 months and has the vocabulary and ability of a 5 year old. My 6 month old has wheat, dairy, and egg allergy. Has horrific hay fever where her face swells and her nose shuts completely. Is only on the 9th centile and has a lot of stomach and digestive problems. She isn't sitting up yet, she can roll over and she can just about pick things up. She is very much still a young baby.

I dread to think what she would be like without all my all powerful healing gold breast milk (tongue in cheek).

Breastfeeding is great...WHEN it's great. But there's a lot of time when it fucking ain't great. Like when your baby has fed for 7 solid hours and you just want to tear your hair out and not have anyone sucking on your raw, scabby nipple.

And good luck expresses. I have had the best breast pumps money could rent and buy, milking me like a cow; I have had lactation specialist man handling my fun bags for hours on end. I can feed my baby perfectly well and have enough milk...but I've never had more than 3 drops expressed.

So it's not just that easy love.

Good luck. You obviously have it all planned perfectly.

I didn't want to! I wasn't put under pressure with either pregnancy. I was aware of the benefits of breastfeeding but also believe health wise my children & myself have in no way been disadvantaged by FF! My children are very rarely poorly, in fact my DS5 has never required a doctors appointment! They are not overweight. They are doing fantastically well at school. I don't regret not breast feeding at all.

Why waste time thinking about the choices others make?

If you manage to do it, and you and baby are happy that's all that matters.

"then pumping more and more breast is best material is not going to improve this, and certainly neither is being critical of women using formula."

I'm not sure you see things the way they really are.

For every one post here or on any of the popular forums which implies or outright states that women who use formula are selfish, there are 1000 saying 'formula is fine' and 'happy mum happy baby'. Most babies over a few weeks old in the UK are fully formula fed. Yet your perception is that as a mum who uses formula you perceive that the denigration of formula and mums who ff is a cultural norm. It's not.

As for women all knowing the benefits of bf and therefore we should stop promoting it - the evidence is that many people have limited knowledge about the benefits of breastfeeding and have a
weak understanding of how health research works.

You don't need to be highly educated or even need formal support or a formal understanding of how breastfeeding works or the benefits of it - you just have to have an expectation that you WILL do it, believe you probably can do it, believe it's worthwhile, and have family and friends who feel the same. As evidenced by the very high rates of initiation and continuation of breastfeeding among some of the most disadvantaged women in the UK - new immigrants from countries with very high breastfeeding rates, who by the way are less likely to access formal breastfeeding support than UK born women.

For all the insistence that breastfeeding is over promoted in the U.K. the truth is that it's not actually really valued. And there is a huge push to have it valued even less - hence the whole 'fed is best', campaign, whose clear message is: it doesn't matter how a baby is fed.

Although I exclusively breastfed (another poor expresser here by the way) I understand why a woman might not want to. Feelings of pressure making you want to rebel/ rather not try than "fail"/ want your body back/crave routine/believe the formula ads/ want to do the same as your friends or family/don't like the thought etc. Lots of reasons.
That's fine.
But recently I have come across 2 new mums in my circle who are on their second child. Second babies who, like the firstborn of the family is looking like they might be allergic to cow's milk and therefore regular formula. Who are shaping up to "demand the dear 30 quid a can" special formula from the doctor. Whose new babies are apparently uncomfortable and whose firstborns struggled for weeks on the wrong milk/before getting sorted out. Who say the special milk they hope to get prescribed is foul and they'll have to put maple syrup in it just so the baby will take it. And neither of them even considered trying breastfeeding this time around.
I do admit I find that a bit strange but maybe I'm missing something.
It's not that they aren't willing to cut out dairy from their own diets either as the mums in question are also dairy-intolerant.

I really, really wanted to BF but was also put under a great deal of pressure to do so. I expected it to be straight forward and the midwives, health visitors and so on pushed me to feel a failure when it simply didn't work for me or my baby.

It almost ruined our first few precious weeks and I thought I'd lose my mind with pain and exhaustion.

If I could go back in time I wouldn't even attempt it. I could still feel resentment if I allowed myself to.

Every woman I knew that had their baby when I did tried breastfeeding, some struggled, some took to it like ducks to water and a few like me just couldn't.

*Minifingerz:

Bet people said stuff a lot
hmm

You do know that 99% of U.K. mums use formula by the time their babies are one?*

So in order for your argument to work, you feel the need to call me a liar?

That statistic seems irrelevant. My point is that in my experience, BF (and EBF) was very much the norm, and FF was looked down on very vocally, and yet this did nothing to help me to BF beyond Day 3, and also nothing to influence my decision that I would FF without question any future children.

Culture can't be blamed for this. If it really was a case of "those around me are all BF, so I will also be doing so", then we would have more people BF. It's not that simple. These countries where BF rates are much higher have more than just the 'culture', clearly.

Decisions to BF and FF are more complex than 'everyone else is doing it, so of course I would'.

Women on a forum is not the same as messages perpetuated from those in a position of authority. This is what drove the guilt for me personally - I never posted about infant feeding while bottle feeding, and no one ever commented that it was wrong to take a bottle.

The guilt came from the internally driven message that what I was providing my baby was so awfully inferior - compounded by the fact that I had waddled happily through my last few weeks of pregnancy assuming breastfeeding would be a breeze, that issues were minor and physical and wouldn't have a profound impact on my mental wellbeing. The pale imitation of support I received was also a shock.

It's not a case and is massively over simplistic to simply say that a differing perspective is "not seeing things as the way they really are". Statistics are useful but the women affected are individuals.

Since becoming pregnant with my second I have scoured forums extensively on this subject, and so many women have posted stories similar to mine. Statistics around formula feeding back this up.

And it doesnt matter if other kind women are flocking to provide comfort online, it's a serious issue that this level of guilt exists in the first place. And I for one find it pretty easy to see where the source of this came from for me.

And the very fact you say that immigrant women etc can breastfeed happily and that they just have an assumption that they will get on and do it honestly to me is just further proof that our system of breastfeeding advocation is failing women.

The pressure is too much, the stakes too high, the guilt too painful. It really shouldnt be this way.

you are absolutely right minifingerz

"you just have to have an expectation that you WILL do it, believe you probably can do it, believe it's worthwhile, and have family and friends who feel the same. "

[sigh]

Also a quick glance at the NHS''s guidelines and their breastfeeding dedicated breastfeeding website "amazing breast milk" leads me to believe that what you say about breastfeeding not being valued is not entirely accurate. Neither does it accurately represent the many different forum posts and mainstream media articles written by mums who turn to formula milk.

Also Fed is Best is not from the UK, it's from the USA.

My good friend bottle fed her baby. It was the best thing for her and I don't know the particulars as to why. I'd never ask in case she initially wanted to breastfeed and couldn't but if you look at her baby and my breastfed DS you could never tell which baby was breastfed and which was bottle fed. Her baby was crawling before mine and mine was teething before hers. So in terms of development they are a mixed bag.

At the end of it all the point is she's a wonderful person and a loving mother to her DD and that's what matters.

My personal view is that the benefits of breastfeeding are greater than the benefits of formula but formula is a perfectly acceptable way of feeding a baby.

As women we are quick to judge each other. I really wish that wasn't the case. We need to be more supporting of each other.

Titsbumfanny - you hear that it is so great to breastfeed but you have to wonder if the information you are receiving is genuine considering the amount of people who are not doing it. Therefore you might reach out to others for their reasons. If we could just look up answers to all of our questions in a book then MN wouldn't exist

Just had no desire to BF whatsoever. Full stop.

Is there a genuine lack of knowledge on benefits? Or is it an unwillingness or inability to engage either with them or HCPs in general due to bigger problems, as mentioned earlier? Banging on about it will do little in that case.