Abortion booked and terrified

[DaisysMummy17]

Hi I'm really hoping someone can help me and please don't judge me. Here is my story. I have a beautiful daughter who is nearly 6 years old. When I fell pregnant with her it was very much unplanned but me and her dad went along with it and never once did the decision to terminate crop up. Since having her my life has changed so much for the better. When I was pregnant with her I was 20, living at home with my dad and siblings and his girlfriend (who is only 2 years older than me, I'm 27) she was also pregnant about 3 months ahead of me. To cut a long story short she didn't want me there because she was worried about my dad loving my baby more than theirs (ridiculous I know). My dad never told me the real reason I found this out later on, but he told me I had to go and live with my mum because the babies would 'disrupt each other' so that is what I did. My mum was kind enough to let me live with her. It was in a different town to where my partner lived so I would always make the effort to get the bus to take her to visit him. He only came to my mums a couple of times. So there I was breastfeeding my tiny baby for about 5 months by myself at mums , in a tiny box room. I knew I needed to get my own place so I was always bidding on the council list (my dad wrote to the council as well to let them know he was evicting me) and managed to get my own place for me and my daughter. Moved out of my mums into our own place, life wasn't easy , but We managed. I was previously working full time in retail but because I was only officially contracted for 6 hours , they wouldn't give me any more hours than that when I wanted to go back to work. I decided to quit my job and ended up on income support for 3 years. This was great because it gave me all the time in the world to enjoy my daughter and I think because of it she has turned into the intelligent little girl she is now. Myself and her father ended up splitting up although we have always remained amicable for the sake of our daughter.

I met my current partner when my daughter was 1 and a half. We have been together nearly 5 years now and I love him immensely. He is brilliant with my daughter, he has done so much to help around the house , decorating, carpets you name it he has been brilliant. When my daughter was three I got myself back into work (only part time and retail again) but earning a decent wage and working tax credits have helped immensely. I have a bit of money spare, albeit not a lot but I can provide for my daughter even on my own. I haven't got a great network of support for childcare , I haven't spoken to my dad since the day I left (and he has never once met my daughter although he had the chance) my mum lives in another town and I don't see her often, she's always busy doing her own thing and has a 10 year old herself. Most of the time when I'm at work and need someone to help I rely on my Younger brother he's very sweet. My daughter goes to her dads every other weekend, and my partner looks after my daughter the Saturday when she's here with us.

Anyway to cut a long story short (or try to) last year I started getting it into my head that I really wanted another baby - with my current partner. I hadn't been on the pill and we hadn't been using contraception for quite some time. The thoughts of wanting a baby have only increased more and more over the last 4 months I'd say and whenever I mentioned it to my partner he'd say let's do it , and agree with me. Fast forward to the 19th may this year and I find out I'm pregnant. I was so happy and when I told my partner so was he. I stupidly called people up, my 2 bosses , 2 work colleagues and my mum and sister. Everyone was happy. The next day my partner started having doubts. He said that he is worried about his age (he is 45, the age gap has never been an issue for us) that when he is blah blah the kid would be .. and so on. He said we don't really have the room (which is true as I only have a 2 bed place) that financially it would be very hard as we would have to put the baby into nursery at 6 months so I could go back to work. He said that I'm just starting to get my life back as I was very young when I had my daughter and that we need to remember the baby will be around for a long time and won't stay a baby forever. I completely understand his worries and I know he is right. Anyway he was the one to bring up the idea of an abortion - but he said it's also my choice and he will support me no matter what. since then I've been in utter turmoil. We went to an initial consultation a couple of weeks back at our local bpas clinic, I had a scan and saw a councillor. I was 6 weeks and 1 day. I saw its heartbeat as did my partner. I got copies of the photos and had my counselling and left. More and more talking with my partner and going round in circles I ended up booking a surgical abortion for yesterday. We went there I was in bits and my partner even cried but as I was about to sign the consent form I said 'I can't do this' and left with partner. I ended up feeling bad for bottling it and wasting my partners time ( he has taken time off work to be with me at every appointment) I received a call from the clinic later that day the councillor asked if I was ok and I said I was and still want to go through with the abortion but I want to take the pill instead so I can at least be at home with some privacy (it also seems less invasive) . So the first pill appointment is on Tuesday and the second one on Thursday. I'm supposed to be working Tuesday and Wednesday, I don't know what to say to work. I'm worried I won't be able to go through with again but I feel like I will have to because by then I will be 8 weeks. I'm worried about the second pill and starting to see blood and be in pain. But I'm also worried about the first pill and knowing I have just killed my baby. My partner has already booked the days off with work. Thursdays appointment is at half past 1 so my partner will probably have to pick my daughter up from school as it may have started by then. I'm terrified of what I will go through, I don't want my daughter to see me I've told my partner that. I'm scared incase something goes wrong. I'm scared of how I will feel after i really don't want to hate my partner as I love him but feel like I will anyway. How will I tell my colleagues my family what I've done. What if they hate my partner or me ? The worst part as well is that a colleague I work with is also pregnant and she's about 3 weeks ahead of me. She's keeping her baby. It's funny because she's the same age I was when I had my baby. It will be so hard to watch her go through with having her baby. I wish I could quit my job but I can't as I have brilliant hours that fit around my daughters schools

I know that having a termination would probably be for the best in our situation but the what ifs are already there. My partner doesn't live with me yet although it was always on the cards for this year. If we had the baby I'd be relying a lot on him for money which I don't want to do. As you may have guessed I've grown fiercely independent , and I feel like me relying on him won't be good. I also know I can't afford to raise a second child alone. It would mean having to go back in time 5 years and possibly go back to being on income support which I really don't want. I'd also lose my job which fits around school and would probably struggle finding a job with similar hours.

Please , I don't know if anyone could help. And I'm sorry this is so long. I'm just terrified of what to expect. We are meant to be going away , my partner me and my daughter next Friday (the day after the second lot of pills) and I know it's not going to make me any happier.

I'd be very grateful for any advice .

Thank you for reading

Xxx

Oh OP, I think you have to do what your heart is telling you. One thing I just wanted to add - you talk about jeopardising your daughter's future but have you thought about the joy she'll get from having a sibling? There might be less money, but there will be more love. Life won't be the same, but it never will be how it was before you conceived because whatever happens you'll remember and you've lost trust in your partner. I really think he's behaved awfully - you both planned this pregnancy he can't just change his mind and expect things to be the same. For what it's worth DD1 is 7 and the joy she gets from our new baby is just wonderful, even though there's a lot less money now.

Ohforfoxsake - im glad that you did what was right for you on both occasions. You sound like a very strong lady thank you for offering your insight and own personal experience 💗

Expat - I keep thinking that a termination is my 'way out' though perhaps ? I also know it's not an easy way out but perhaps it has to be done.

Cocoaleaves- I'm sorry that you were put in that situation , your DD sounds like a very intelligent caring girl and a real credit to you. She clearly has an amazing mother 💗

Ineedacupoftea- congratulations on your new baby :) I do think about it often , she would absolutely love it I know. I wish I could rewind time now and I wish I knew what i was getting myself into. The what ifs , either way , are scary x

Don't do it! Xx

Hindsight is an amazing thing OP... but I am a great believer of everything happens for a reason, however hard.. difficult or unfair it may seem.

You really have to think of yourself in this moment, you come across as being very brave and such a strong women, I truly believe whatever you put your mind to you can accomplish!

I know it probably won't be easy if you kept the baby, but when is life ever easy?? Sometimes that's the part of life that makes us stronger as individuals.

I think just give yourself time, write things down, think logically and maybe even a bit selfishly, then the answer will come... either way, you are a very strong lady, you've come so far and you can go even further!

We are all here if you need to chat, but I think it comes down to what you want, and can do, believe in yourself, it's a wonderful experience when you do, everything will become clearer and you'll feel proud of yourself which you should do!

All the very best ❤️

The really sad thing about all of this is, if he suddenly turned around and said "it's clear you don't want to terminate, so let's keep our baby" you'd be overjoyed. You would not be dragging your heels over keeping your new addition to your family. Forgive me for speaking of your pregnancy as 'your baby', but I do so because you said earlier how you've seen the treasured scan pics and know your baby has a heartbeat. You've spoken of how awful you find the idea you would take chemicals to stop your baby's heartbeat. Someone who WANTS an abortion doesn't talk like this.

It's like you're waiting for him to say the words you want to hear, but you need to realise that some people never do, and you have to furrow your own way inspire of them, regardless.

he may have been giving me the opportunity to change my mind and say I want the baby

I'm sorry, but he wasn't, he was playing you. He was giving you the impression he cared but subtly steering you where he wants you to go. I've dealt with chancers, manipulators and wide boys all my life and I can read his gameplay like a Janet and John book. It's obvious to everyone on this thread that you don't want this termination. If it's obvious to us, from a few posts and never having met you, don't you think it's obvious to him, the man you see as your OH? He knows you want it, as sure as eggs is eggs? So why isn't he telling you what you need to hear, more than anything? He does not care about you, not one bit. If he did, he couldn't see you go through this horrific emotional torment. Look, I'm almost in tears with this thread because I have enough basic empathy to understand what you're going through, to know how deeply a termination will impact you. I get you and I don't even know you, as do many others on here. Where the fuck is he? Looking after himself and no-one else, that's where. Please stop kidding yourself that he is your future, he isn't worth shit. You will see that one day. I just wish you could see it now and make your decision without him being of any influence.

Look, I'm almost in tears with this thread because I have enough basic empathy to understand what you're going through, to know how deeply a termination will impact you. I get you and I don't even know you, as do many others on here. Where the fuck is he?

I can see the truth of this statement. Maybe in my younger years I'd have naively hoped to somehow 'win' over a man like that, but now I'm much older (and wiser ) I see how impossible such a hope is, and how impossible such a relationship is too.

Op, how would you feel if you did what he wanted and terminated your pregnancy, then found he left you anyway? Would you wish you'd kept your baby?

Thank you, yes, DD is a star, truly. DS, bless him, is more of a whirlwind. A caring, funny, lovely whirlwind, but a whirlwind nonetheless, as he turns everything upside down and still keeps rushing through life at top speed.

Take each day as it comes and hold true to yourself. That is all you can do.

Please cancel the appointment on Thursday. Please. You still have another 16 weeks if you decide a termination is the right thing. There is absolutely no rush at all.

You can't undo an abortion, please don't do it unless YOU are 100% sure. You say you want him to be 100% on keeping the baby. He should be wanting you to be 100% on terminating your child. Even the clinic want you to be more sure than he does.

He says he is 50/50 (whatever the fuck that is supposed to mean - is he honestly saying he doesn't care if you have a baby or not?!) You are focusing on the 50% wanting an abortion. That means the other 50% of him wants the baby - why put more weight on the half of him that disagrees with you? Try putting that mental weight on the side of him that wants the baby and see how that feels to you.

It is as clear as day that you want this baby. My advice is to stop worrying about the potential financial issues that may or may not happen if you continue the pregnancy, everyone that is pregnant worries about these things, no one would ever have a baby if they waited until they could afford it.

And as for the termination being 'meant to be' - if you believe in that sort of thing / fate / whatever then using that logic you wouldn't have got pregnant if it wasn't meant to be. I'm really sorry if that sounds harsh, I just read your posts as someone who is desperately trying to convince herself to do something she doesn't want to do and wants someone to save her.

I'm so sorry you are in this position, it's truly horrifying. I have read this thread feeling sick that you are going to make the biggest mistake of your life and never forgive yourself.

Fwiw I am VERY pro choice - i have no problem at all with abortion where it is the right thing for a woman medically / emotionally, but it really comes across very strongly that for you, right now, this is not the right thing.

Please take more time to make a decision, at the very least.

What HerOther said. You don't want this. It's not a 'way out' because you know if you have it, it will affect you negatively, you've already planned for it.

I feel a bit bad writing this but this thread is just going round in circles.

If you have any doubt in your mind - even the tiniest grain - then I would not have a termination if I were you. Once it's done it's done.

Don't make any decision based on your "partner"
You sound more lone be lonely with him than if you were on your own

If you have the baby you will cope, simply because you have to.

I think deep down you know the newer but are scared. That's understandable but I don't think - especially as you clearly adore your daughter - that you will ever truly regret tha

Sorry regret that decision to have another.

The only person who is really responsible for your own happiness and future is you.
Good luck, you can do it.

OP this is a highly irresponsible thing for me to post but others have said it anyway: DON'T DO IT today. It's too soon. You can still have a termination later if you want to, but we all know that is the last thing that you want in reality. Please don't go today. Thinking of you xx

You need to buy yourself some time. This is such a huge decision.

Ok, so this will probably be outing, but if it helps you, it helps.

My mum was in a similar position as you when she fell pregnant with me. My brother was 7, she was getting divorced from his dad, and just come out of fighting a custody battle where his new step mum was also abusive and kidnapped him. She fell pregnant to a guy who she was with at the time and had been for a while.

He told her to have an abortion. Said he'd go with her. Wouldn't talk of another option. Didn't even tell his parents. Said that he was the wrong age, that there'd be something wrong with me. That she only wanted My DB so things would be financially difficult. She had her own business, and that would fail so she'd be on benefits. Etc.

She told him to fuck off and that she was keeping me, with or without his support. She says to me freely that it was the hardest thing she's ever done. She did lose her business, and her house, but that was the financial crash of the late 1980s and the divorce, with XH forcing her out of her home when she was 36weeks pregnant. She slept on my nans floor until she was 38weeks and got a house. But she did it because she felt how you feel, in your heart, about terminating.

I grew up happy, never wanting for anything because I had the love of my older sibling and mum. We were poor, and my mum struggled at times, but it made for good life experience. Not saying it was easy, but she never regrets her decision. We're not a lovey dovey family, but my brother benefitted from having a little sibling, and me and my mum are as close as can be. I've helped her through some real shit. It's the way life is. I was meant to be conceived through too much vodka and a crappy coward of a man, and she was meant to keep me and fight like i know you want to and will for your baby.

My bio dad came around 4 weeks after the termination was booked and offered to pay for nappies. And had since thanked her for keeping me. He went on to have 2 children 5 years later.

My point is, don't just look at things short term, you never know what life will bring. You say maybe this is for the best because future has something else carved out, another baby. But it sounds like your just trying to convince yourself into his way of thinking. This baby will bring joy to your and your daughter, what if thats whats meant to be, and was carved out already for you?, and you'll regret the termination. I am a pro-choice, but your posts scream that you will regret. I wish I could help more.

Please listen to your heart. You are strong, you can do this without him.

Sorry for the long post and the double post - also play through your mind as PP said, 24 hours with terminating, and 24 hours keeping baby.

Those first 24 hours will be on holiday, with your daughter. Your heart knows the decision, you just need to be strong and shout it from the roof tops.

Wow, outnumbered, what an incredible story!

It highlights that most of what we worry about, isn't as bad as we feared once we get there.

The OP seems to be in a rush, as though somehow an abortion will put everything back to how it was. That will never happen. Things are permanently different now; either with the heartache of trying to come to terms with an abortion that you didn't want, or embracing the new life you waited a whole year trying for. The point is, it's never going to be the same again, either way.

NotCertain that is such a good point. Everything is changed now forever whatever you do. Your trust in this man has been tested, and possibly broken forever. Could you really just have an abortion and then go back to normal as if it hadn't happened? No way.

OP, I've been thinking about you, I hope you're ok. Please, please, please don't have an abortion for this horrible, selfish man. It sounds as if that's what you'd be doing. He's been ttc for a year with you now he's changed his mind for what, a few weeks? Who's to say he won't change his mind again? He's older - so what? I'm in my early 40s and just had a baby. Lots of people do.

You say he's good with your DD but if he's willing to put you through this just because he doesn't want to give up his hobbies, what's he going to do when her needs clash with his 'me' time, which they would if he moves in?. Or is he saying kids aren't so much work when they're 6, in which case he's saying he wants you to terminate your baby just so he doesnt have to give up his 'me' time for 6 years. He sounds totally selfish........as notcertain says everything is changed forever now whatever you decide. You must not do this thinking it will get things back to how they were before - it won't. You must do what you feel is right for you. I'd agree with everyone who days to wait, maybe have more counselling. You do have time.....

*says to wait...

Hi OP.

This is going to be very outing but here goes, in December I found out I was pregnant. It was a shock and although initially I was happy, I quickly realised how impossible it was going to be. I have two children already and my job isn't something I can do while pregnant so my whole life was going to change. I was so torn, I didn't know what I wanted and I thought a lot about abortion. My oh was happy and wanted the baby, but I just wasn't coping mentally.

Then in February when I was about 10 weeks I was hit by an uninsured driver who wrote my car off and drove off, leaving me at the side of the road. I lost the baby in a car accident. You know the cliche about not knowing what you've got until it's gone? Yeah that was pretty much it. I was and still am absolutely heartbroken and the guilt was and still is horrific.

My point is, there is no easy answer. But you need to think about which decision you would regret the most. Things have a way of working themselves out x

I must admit, I agree with the previous poster that after 223 replies to this thread it is now indeed going round in circles.

I'm not sure what else you can gain from posting on a forum now.

You need to get some counselling from a professional and get your head around having a termination or accepting your circumstances and the baby.

I just don't see how posting the same thing for a week is beneficial any more.

If anything it's kind of dragging it all out.

Take time away from this thread and address what needs to be addressed.

I had an abortion 10 years ago at 8 weeks, my husband wanted to keep baby but I felt I wouldn't be able to cope physically, emotionally as working full time and caring for our children then aged 5, 3 and 2. I didn't feel any regrets but for the past 5/6 years I have developed regrets, I now have a 4 year and at 41 never expected to be able to cope with running after him.

Please don't through this termination as others have said if you don't want to. You sound like a loving and caring mum, take any decision with full consideration of your own expectations and wants.

Sorry sorry to hear that Stormcloud, what a terrible thing to happen