Abortion booked and terrified

[DaisysMummy17]

Hi I'm really hoping someone can help me and please don't judge me. Here is my story. I have a beautiful daughter who is nearly 6 years old. When I fell pregnant with her it was very much unplanned but me and her dad went along with it and never once did the decision to terminate crop up. Since having her my life has changed so much for the better. When I was pregnant with her I was 20, living at home with my dad and siblings and his girlfriend (who is only 2 years older than me, I'm 27) she was also pregnant about 3 months ahead of me. To cut a long story short she didn't want me there because she was worried about my dad loving my baby more than theirs (ridiculous I know). My dad never told me the real reason I found this out later on, but he told me I had to go and live with my mum because the babies would 'disrupt each other' so that is what I did. My mum was kind enough to let me live with her. It was in a different town to where my partner lived so I would always make the effort to get the bus to take her to visit him. He only came to my mums a couple of times. So there I was breastfeeding my tiny baby for about 5 months by myself at mums , in a tiny box room. I knew I needed to get my own place so I was always bidding on the council list (my dad wrote to the council as well to let them know he was evicting me) and managed to get my own place for me and my daughter. Moved out of my mums into our own place, life wasn't easy , but We managed. I was previously working full time in retail but because I was only officially contracted for 6 hours , they wouldn't give me any more hours than that when I wanted to go back to work. I decided to quit my job and ended up on income support for 3 years. This was great because it gave me all the time in the world to enjoy my daughter and I think because of it she has turned into the intelligent little girl she is now. Myself and her father ended up splitting up although we have always remained amicable for the sake of our daughter.

I met my current partner when my daughter was 1 and a half. We have been together nearly 5 years now and I love him immensely. He is brilliant with my daughter, he has done so much to help around the house , decorating, carpets you name it he has been brilliant. When my daughter was three I got myself back into work (only part time and retail again) but earning a decent wage and working tax credits have helped immensely. I have a bit of money spare, albeit not a lot but I can provide for my daughter even on my own. I haven't got a great network of support for childcare , I haven't spoken to my dad since the day I left (and he has never once met my daughter although he had the chance) my mum lives in another town and I don't see her often, she's always busy doing her own thing and has a 10 year old herself. Most of the time when I'm at work and need someone to help I rely on my Younger brother he's very sweet. My daughter goes to her dads every other weekend, and my partner looks after my daughter the Saturday when she's here with us.

Anyway to cut a long story short (or try to) last year I started getting it into my head that I really wanted another baby - with my current partner. I hadn't been on the pill and we hadn't been using contraception for quite some time. The thoughts of wanting a baby have only increased more and more over the last 4 months I'd say and whenever I mentioned it to my partner he'd say let's do it , and agree with me. Fast forward to the 19th may this year and I find out I'm pregnant. I was so happy and when I told my partner so was he. I stupidly called people up, my 2 bosses , 2 work colleagues and my mum and sister. Everyone was happy. The next day my partner started having doubts. He said that he is worried about his age (he is 45, the age gap has never been an issue for us) that when he is blah blah the kid would be .. and so on. He said we don't really have the room (which is true as I only have a 2 bed place) that financially it would be very hard as we would have to put the baby into nursery at 6 months so I could go back to work. He said that I'm just starting to get my life back as I was very young when I had my daughter and that we need to remember the baby will be around for a long time and won't stay a baby forever. I completely understand his worries and I know he is right. Anyway he was the one to bring up the idea of an abortion - but he said it's also my choice and he will support me no matter what. since then I've been in utter turmoil. We went to an initial consultation a couple of weeks back at our local bpas clinic, I had a scan and saw a councillor. I was 6 weeks and 1 day. I saw its heartbeat as did my partner. I got copies of the photos and had my counselling and left. More and more talking with my partner and going round in circles I ended up booking a surgical abortion for yesterday. We went there I was in bits and my partner even cried but as I was about to sign the consent form I said 'I can't do this' and left with partner. I ended up feeling bad for bottling it and wasting my partners time ( he has taken time off work to be with me at every appointment) I received a call from the clinic later that day the councillor asked if I was ok and I said I was and still want to go through with the abortion but I want to take the pill instead so I can at least be at home with some privacy (it also seems less invasive) . So the first pill appointment is on Tuesday and the second one on Thursday. I'm supposed to be working Tuesday and Wednesday, I don't know what to say to work. I'm worried I won't be able to go through with again but I feel like I will have to because by then I will be 8 weeks. I'm worried about the second pill and starting to see blood and be in pain. But I'm also worried about the first pill and knowing I have just killed my baby. My partner has already booked the days off with work. Thursdays appointment is at half past 1 so my partner will probably have to pick my daughter up from school as it may have started by then. I'm terrified of what I will go through, I don't want my daughter to see me I've told my partner that. I'm scared incase something goes wrong. I'm scared of how I will feel after i really don't want to hate my partner as I love him but feel like I will anyway. How will I tell my colleagues my family what I've done. What if they hate my partner or me ? The worst part as well is that a colleague I work with is also pregnant and she's about 3 weeks ahead of me. She's keeping her baby. It's funny because she's the same age I was when I had my baby. It will be so hard to watch her go through with having her baby. I wish I could quit my job but I can't as I have brilliant hours that fit around my daughters schools

I know that having a termination would probably be for the best in our situation but the what ifs are already there. My partner doesn't live with me yet although it was always on the cards for this year. If we had the baby I'd be relying a lot on him for money which I don't want to do. As you may have guessed I've grown fiercely independent , and I feel like me relying on him won't be good. I also know I can't afford to raise a second child alone. It would mean having to go back in time 5 years and possibly go back to being on income support which I really don't want. I'd also lose my job which fits around school and would probably struggle finding a job with similar hours.

Please , I don't know if anyone could help. And I'm sorry this is so long. I'm just terrified of what to expect. We are meant to be going away , my partner me and my daughter next Friday (the day after the second lot of pills) and I know it's not going to make me any happier.

I'd be very grateful for any advice .

Thank you for reading

Xxx

Ohforfoxsake - I do see us as a family. My partner said the same thing as you and that he loves my daughter like his own he's great with her. I think our concerns are whether to add to what we already have at the moment or not. Would it really be the best thing for us or should we leave things how they are. That is the ultimate question. Because it would be very difficult for us x

I've noticed you keep saying you don't want to be a single mum again. Honey, you will be. From the information you give I don't think your relationship will last no matter the termination or not. You terminate= it falls apart or you leave to find someone who wants a baby. You keep baby= he becomes resentful of his loss of independence. He has a track record of getting woman pregnant and then taking no responsibility. Eventually this relationship will end and it will be you and your daughter again.

I am pro choice. I believe woman who have terminations who truly want one will be at peace with their decision and just know that it is a life choice.

You. You do not want a termination. You want this baby. And you made this baby in good faith- with the promise of a committed partner and building a family together.

Even when things are tough- you will never regret a child. Your worries show that you are reponsible to make good decisions. You are young- your working life will get back on track. You can do this. Forgetting everything else- if you wish to carry that baby, and hold it in your arms.. you do not want a termination. You can do it. Don't be rushed or coerced or guilted.

Sending so much unmumsnetty hugs- I truly feel for the heartbreaking situation you've found yourself in. X

How can he love your DD more than her dad does, though? He has gone through a year of making you think he wants her to have a (half-) sibling and now he is going ooops, not sure and turning your world upside down? The discussions you are having now should not even be in question. Plans of how you manage, yes; emotional issues about being parents, yes; but I am sorry, not sure, let's get down to the abortion clinic - no. Aside from that not being an act of love for you and her, it is so entitled to assume he loves her more.

My DD's dad saw her less than my now separated husband did. That is not the measure of love, it is what entitled men say to displace the other man. Your DD's dad is and will always be her dad, not him.

Well done OP! I had a sneaky feeling you'd cancel again! Poor you, you keep trying to push through his agenda but you keep finding you can't hide from your true self. You clearly want this little baby.

I bet when he sees the little one born he will fall in love. He let you try for a baby for a whole year, it's so strange that he's bottled out. It makes me question whether he will change his mind again (this time in favour of your baby).

You are a strong lady, I have no doubt someone like you can bring up another child with or without a man. Don't forget there will be two mums! (You and your daughter who will love playing mummy herself!). You don't have to go back there Thursday if you don't want to. You are under no obligation at all whatsoever.

My best advice? Never stop listening to your heart

I feel for you OP - I've made both decisions. I got off the bed the first time, just before going through. But when the nurse went to get my then DP he hadn't even bothered to hang around and wait for me. That told me all I needed to know and I went ahead. I was relieved when I came round post-procedure and he wasn't in my life much longer after that.

Second time I just didn't get out of my bed on the day. Actually, I don't think I ever intended to. Then DP was at first delighted when I told him I was PG, but then got the fear and walked away and left me to have the termination on my own. I continued with the PG, he came round, had more DCs and married DP. (Now XH for many other reasons!)

Both were unplanned, but both were the right decisions. It took me a long time to get over the termination but I don't regret it. And I have never, ever regretted the baby I had.

I honestly know how hard this is. It's a head v heart. But in my experience, this one is down to the heart.

As one PP said, there is never a right time for a baby. I also agree that he's shitting himself. You sound very unsure re: termination, and, as someone who terminated a pregnancy and stand by my decision back then, I can say: 1) you still have time (not just until Thursday) - another month at least 2) please don't terminate unless YOU are certain this is the right thing to do.

If i were in your shoes, I would turn this around and tell him that you are keeping the baby and let him deal with his own emotions around that until he's ready to be respectful and rational.

2 bedrooms is not an obstacle - I grew up in a 2bedroom place w my parents, older sister and grandma, we did absolutely fine. Perceived lack of work after baby is not an obstacle - all of the women in my family returned to work at least part time by 6months and full time by a year. His rubbish attitude is also not an obstacle - he can shape up or ship out. My own dad sort of got better when my mum threatened to kick him out when I was little, but was still pretty much "smart but useless" as grandma used to mutter - as a parent, he was hopeless, thankfully mum ran a tight ship, but he eventually got the hang of it by mid 60s and is now a fabulous hands-on grandad to his two younger grandchildren, complete w discipline when required. So, if your boyfriend does stick around, he might still surprise you, but his involvement in your lives really has to be on your terms before he deserves to be called a partner.

You are in a bad place emotionally, NONE of this is your fault. If it helps you find a way out, think of it this way: if it were your daughter in your position, what would you advise her?

Someone once told me, when I had a tough decision to make, play it out either way in your head for a whole 24 hours. So for you, tell yourself you're keeping your baby for the next 24 hours. Then do the same for getting rid. One set of 24 hours will bring a certain relief with it, and the other torment. It might be worth a try?

I think our concerns are whether to add to what we already have at the moment or not. Would it really be the best thing for us or should we leave things how they are. That is the ultimate question.

Your partner should have thought about this BEFORE agreeing to have a baby with you.

I'm pregnant with my 3rd. It was not planned and my partner wanted me to get an abortion. For a while I was scared it would destroy our relationship, but I knew that aborting for him would destroy it anyway.
I knew being a single parent to three kids would be incredibly difficult, but I knew that aborting my baby would be worse and I don't think I would ever have got over it.

Your partner sounds a bit insensitive, which is putting it gently, but compared to mine, I can almost empathise with him. It must be hard for men in this situation, effectively having no say or control. Not that it should be their decision, just that it must be hard and so can no doubt make them act like dicks. Also they don't feel or think about these things the same way we do.
I'm not defending him, he's been an ass, but my partner was even more of an insensitive, unsupportive, useless ass, and yet things actually got better.
I'm quite possibly mental for staying with my partner, I've posted on here a few times about our problems and been told to LTB, but our relationship has worked and we're actually pretty stable and dare I say, happy.
My point is that despite it not looking great between you guys, he could come around, get used to it, and things turn out OK.

My partner is nearly 50, so really didn't want another child...
He didn't want our first, either, said he'd support me whatever until I told him I was keeping it and he said he wanted me to get an abortion. We had a couple of very rocky months, but by the time she was a few months old he admitted he was wrong and he was glad we had her.
He actually agreed to try for number two, so having kids couldn't have been as bad as he thought despite not being the greatest of fathers.

I've rambled a lot, I just wanted to offer a slightly different perspective and some hope that it can all seem hopeless but turn out OK.

I echo what everyone else has said, though, don't go through with it unless you are sure. You can do this on your own if need be.

no advice sorry, just wishing you the best

Hey everyone , noeandre I don't think that will be the case here unfortunately. My partner said earlier 'that woman was nice wasn't she Vicky was her name?' About the woman at the clinic. So I started the conversation up saying how we're still happy at the moment and that's because the termination hasn't gone ahead. He said that if I go through with it that I can't beat myself up about it like the nurse said. I said to him that I will beat myself up about it and why wouldn't I? He said I've still got the rest of only life and our lives ahead of us and I said I said hmmm and he said that I have lots to look forward to with us and my daughter the house my job etc. He said (rather frustratingly) that were just gonna keep going round in circles until I make my decision he said that we either don't have 'the child' or we do. To which I replied 'no it's our child not the child. It's made me angry and he knows it. I just feel like he's completely the wrong person to have this baby with guys. I don't think he realises the effects this is going to have on me like I said before he thinks he will be able to sort everything. I said that he doesn't know how I'm gonna react and it may be bad for me. We were watching eastenders and he said that 'like Steven said each day it will hurt less and less'. I so wish I'd never got myself in this situation. I really really do.

I know you must wish that this never happened, but it's not your fault. You were planning a family with a long term partner, responsibly, and now he's flipped. You may end up with a beautiful child, and whatever the difficulties you will never regret that.

I don't watch Eastenders but, believe me, it will not 'hurt less and less' each day, it will just be duller and in the background more, so you won't constantly be thinking about it but it won't hurt any less when you do remember, frequently.

I'm not saying you definitely shouldn't terminate, only you can make that decision, and it seems from your posts that it's not a decision you will make lightly and only if you really think it's for the best. What I am saying is that some of what your partner is saying seems unhelpful at best. I really suggest (as I did upthread), that it would be better for you to take a break from him for a few days/weeks while you try to reach a decision. And talk it through with someone neutral.

C'mon, he's quoting a fucking soap opera! And you didn't get yourself into this situation, he agreed TTC with you. What you need to do is stop seeing a future with him, or involving him in anything to do with this decision. He doesn't give a shit what the effect is on you, all he cares about is the one on himself.

Fink - I get what you are saying about space . He pretty much comes round every night some nights he stays some nights he goes home like tonight.

It really upsets me how he is trying to downplay how I might feel after. I'm looking ahead to things , ie I might not be happy for a long long time after and that might frustrate him , not want to ever be intimate with him again, losing all trust in him. There's lots of things like this playing on my mind. My head hurts so much. I couldn't think about this any more if I tried.

I'm just so thankful that I have you guys to talk to.

Xx

Expat- lol you do make me laugh :) I fear that you are right in what you are saying it just makes me sad because we were so happy before all of this. Now I feel like he's showing his true colours. Although as a PP said , he may have been giving me the opportunity to change my mind and say I want the baby it's still not something I can do and that's because of him. I'm starting to think that if he really did love me my feelings would take precedence and the fact that I haven't gone ahead with it on two occasions now .. you'd think he'd just say let's do it , but as someone else said .. I can't wait for him to take control on this cus he won't.

Arghhhhh menn 😡😡😡😡

He's got you right where he wants you, of course he wants to carry on like nothing happened. He truly doesn't feel a single iota of compunction for having suggested TTC with you and then ordering you to get a termination when it didn't suit him. His concerns are all about how he will be affected, not you. He's a shite boyfriend. You need to start detaching yourself from him, he's a piece of shit. He's not and will never be there for you. He can't. Hell, he wasn't there for his own kid, was he? Or the other woman he probably bamboozled into a termination she didn't want. What a prize!

Nothing to do with 'men' as HerOther proves, and everything to do with being a worthless, selfish twat.

An awful lot of what you say is about him, his feelings and how he might feel.

Perhaps switch your focus onto who is the most important person in all this?

Whatever he does, he does. That's his choice and you have no control over that.

You need to think about you now.

Just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you op. Sending best wishes.

Expat - is he really that stupid to think that this is something we can recover from ? I've spoken to him numerous times about how worried I am about what a termination will do to our relationship. Maybe he will do one after it's all done but we're meant to be going away Friday (the day after) and he's talking about what we'll do when we're there and how I can relax if I want to at the caravan and he will take my daughter out. He's still talking about moving in etc

I know it's hard to say but If you were me what would you do ? As I've said before maybe a termination is a way out of all of it .. as much as it scares me to say

Ohforfoxsake - thank you , and you're right.

Thank you daisychainagain

It really helps talking to such a strong bunch of people. I wish I was as strong minded as some of you.

I'm sorry if I haven't replied to people on here , I'm new to this , is there a reply button anywhere? I've read every single persons comments and I thank you all xx

I've been where you are, that's all.

Put yourself in the centre of this.

Be brave.

If I were you I wouldn't have the termination because it's pretty obvious that you don't really want one, and every one of your posts is about him, him, him. He doesn't give a shit about you! That's the truth of it. He's shown you who he is. What kind of a lowlife twat TTC's with someone for a year and then when they get pregnant, bullies them into an abortion? Would you? What would you say to a friend who came to you and told you her boyfriend did this?

Of course he's going on like nothing will change, that's exactly how he sees it. It's like getting a tooth filled to him.

Oh, and after I told him, 'No termination,' I'd also tell him we needed to get some space and then see a counsellor about how to help me get rid of this specimen of a man.

It does not really matter what any of us would do, though, you need to do it!

I am a single parent of two children, two dads, larger age gap. It has changed my own and DD's lives financially and because of the complexity of the situation, emotionally. But when I have said to DD that I am sorry about the way things turned out, she looks at me like I am a bit crazy and says but that is how DS is here and we could not be without him. Her life is richer, my life is richer, and it has not been an easy ride. Like you, i wanted another baby. But I had not planned to bring him up myself, I think my ex used the fact that I had said I did not want to be a single parent again as an excuse to do what he wished. But knowing what I know now, the only thing is that I should have left sooner. I gave him a chance to be a hands on involved father, he did not take it. I think that was the right thing to do. But he could not and cannot stop me being a mother the best way I can.

But you need to make your own decisions, hard as that is