Abortion booked and terrified

[DaisysMummy17]

Hi I'm really hoping someone can help me and please don't judge me. Here is my story. I have a beautiful daughter who is nearly 6 years old. When I fell pregnant with her it was very much unplanned but me and her dad went along with it and never once did the decision to terminate crop up. Since having her my life has changed so much for the better. When I was pregnant with her I was 20, living at home with my dad and siblings and his girlfriend (who is only 2 years older than me, I'm 27) she was also pregnant about 3 months ahead of me. To cut a long story short she didn't want me there because she was worried about my dad loving my baby more than theirs (ridiculous I know). My dad never told me the real reason I found this out later on, but he told me I had to go and live with my mum because the babies would 'disrupt each other' so that is what I did. My mum was kind enough to let me live with her. It was in a different town to where my partner lived so I would always make the effort to get the bus to take her to visit him. He only came to my mums a couple of times. So there I was breastfeeding my tiny baby for about 5 months by myself at mums , in a tiny box room. I knew I needed to get my own place so I was always bidding on the council list (my dad wrote to the council as well to let them know he was evicting me) and managed to get my own place for me and my daughter. Moved out of my mums into our own place, life wasn't easy , but We managed. I was previously working full time in retail but because I was only officially contracted for 6 hours , they wouldn't give me any more hours than that when I wanted to go back to work. I decided to quit my job and ended up on income support for 3 years. This was great because it gave me all the time in the world to enjoy my daughter and I think because of it she has turned into the intelligent little girl she is now. Myself and her father ended up splitting up although we have always remained amicable for the sake of our daughter.

I met my current partner when my daughter was 1 and a half. We have been together nearly 5 years now and I love him immensely. He is brilliant with my daughter, he has done so much to help around the house , decorating, carpets you name it he has been brilliant. When my daughter was three I got myself back into work (only part time and retail again) but earning a decent wage and working tax credits have helped immensely. I have a bit of money spare, albeit not a lot but I can provide for my daughter even on my own. I haven't got a great network of support for childcare , I haven't spoken to my dad since the day I left (and he has never once met my daughter although he had the chance) my mum lives in another town and I don't see her often, she's always busy doing her own thing and has a 10 year old herself. Most of the time when I'm at work and need someone to help I rely on my Younger brother he's very sweet. My daughter goes to her dads every other weekend, and my partner looks after my daughter the Saturday when she's here with us.

Anyway to cut a long story short (or try to) last year I started getting it into my head that I really wanted another baby - with my current partner. I hadn't been on the pill and we hadn't been using contraception for quite some time. The thoughts of wanting a baby have only increased more and more over the last 4 months I'd say and whenever I mentioned it to my partner he'd say let's do it , and agree with me. Fast forward to the 19th may this year and I find out I'm pregnant. I was so happy and when I told my partner so was he. I stupidly called people up, my 2 bosses , 2 work colleagues and my mum and sister. Everyone was happy. The next day my partner started having doubts. He said that he is worried about his age (he is 45, the age gap has never been an issue for us) that when he is blah blah the kid would be .. and so on. He said we don't really have the room (which is true as I only have a 2 bed place) that financially it would be very hard as we would have to put the baby into nursery at 6 months so I could go back to work. He said that I'm just starting to get my life back as I was very young when I had my daughter and that we need to remember the baby will be around for a long time and won't stay a baby forever. I completely understand his worries and I know he is right. Anyway he was the one to bring up the idea of an abortion - but he said it's also my choice and he will support me no matter what. since then I've been in utter turmoil. We went to an initial consultation a couple of weeks back at our local bpas clinic, I had a scan and saw a councillor. I was 6 weeks and 1 day. I saw its heartbeat as did my partner. I got copies of the photos and had my counselling and left. More and more talking with my partner and going round in circles I ended up booking a surgical abortion for yesterday. We went there I was in bits and my partner even cried but as I was about to sign the consent form I said 'I can't do this' and left with partner. I ended up feeling bad for bottling it and wasting my partners time ( he has taken time off work to be with me at every appointment) I received a call from the clinic later that day the councillor asked if I was ok and I said I was and still want to go through with the abortion but I want to take the pill instead so I can at least be at home with some privacy (it also seems less invasive) . So the first pill appointment is on Tuesday and the second one on Thursday. I'm supposed to be working Tuesday and Wednesday, I don't know what to say to work. I'm worried I won't be able to go through with again but I feel like I will have to because by then I will be 8 weeks. I'm worried about the second pill and starting to see blood and be in pain. But I'm also worried about the first pill and knowing I have just killed my baby. My partner has already booked the days off with work. Thursdays appointment is at half past 1 so my partner will probably have to pick my daughter up from school as it may have started by then. I'm terrified of what I will go through, I don't want my daughter to see me I've told my partner that. I'm scared incase something goes wrong. I'm scared of how I will feel after i really don't want to hate my partner as I love him but feel like I will anyway. How will I tell my colleagues my family what I've done. What if they hate my partner or me ? The worst part as well is that a colleague I work with is also pregnant and she's about 3 weeks ahead of me. She's keeping her baby. It's funny because she's the same age I was when I had my baby. It will be so hard to watch her go through with having her baby. I wish I could quit my job but I can't as I have brilliant hours that fit around my daughters schools

I know that having a termination would probably be for the best in our situation but the what ifs are already there. My partner doesn't live with me yet although it was always on the cards for this year. If we had the baby I'd be relying a lot on him for money which I don't want to do. As you may have guessed I've grown fiercely independent , and I feel like me relying on him won't be good. I also know I can't afford to raise a second child alone. It would mean having to go back in time 5 years and possibly go back to being on income support which I really don't want. I'd also lose my job which fits around school and would probably struggle finding a job with similar hours.

Please , I don't know if anyone could help. And I'm sorry this is so long. I'm just terrified of what to expect. We are meant to be going away , my partner me and my daughter next Friday (the day after the second lot of pills) and I know it's not going to make me any happier.

I'd be very grateful for any advice .

Thank you for reading

Xxx

Or just fuck him off, sorry 😐

How are you seriously ever going to let this guy move in after this? How is your house and your autonomy not what you have worked for? How is it not freedom from mind-bending fickwittery?

Sorry but I am angry on your behalf. What a twat to sit there and ask questions about YOUR body. It is not happening to him.

Hope your ok, I think you do want the baby but your thinking of the financial aspects, there's many woman out there who are single parents you would find away to manage, why abort a baby that have wanted and tried for, for over a year, why don't you tell your partner you want to keep the baby and then go from there

And sorry, my final point, i think it was controlling to go in with you, so you could not speak freely to the nurse. You (plural) were not going in circles; he started your head spinning not knowing which way was up. You (singular) were on a clear and straight path.

You're waiting for him to take control, tell you that you're both going to go ahead with it and he's totally on board now and off you'll go into the sunset as a happy family.

He's not going to do that OP, you need to take the bull and make a choice. It sucks and it's majorly unfair that he's turned out to be such a spineless bellend. Stalling for time isn't going to make him say the words you want to hear.

Cocoaleaves- It did annoy me when he was asking questions it was all in such a clinical way between him and the nurse. Perhaps it's his way of trying to show that he cares. I really don't know how I will feel any different on Thursday. I guess everything is in place now so it's a bit more of a deadline.

Lauralou- Sometimes I feel like I should just tell him I want the baby. It's almost as if something is holding me back from saying it though and I don't know what. I don't know if it's because my trust in him has been affected by this whole experience and I'm scared of the future. I think the 50/50 thing really doesn't help.

I'm ok at the moment , this is the third visit to the clinic now (including the initial consultation) and every time we go there it's like complete de ja vu. Although I wasn't as upset this time I was still upset. I hate the clinic I have a bad feeling whenever I walk in there. I look up at the information on the wall , the flyers , the notice about the 'abortion act' and it makes me feel horrible. The nurse said to me today that it's important not to make myself feel terrible afterwards, and to look after myself.

It's funny because when I was in tears I said to her I know it sounds weird but would I be able to have another scan so I can see it one last time ? She asked if I was sure and said that I can be very upsetting for a lot of women. She said If it would help me make my mind up then yes of course but she said she didn't recommend it. So I thought best not to. I still have my photos from my first scan. I'm guessing it would be much more recognisable now. I knew that would be the case because I've read up on development at 8 weeks. Yet she said I wouldn't see anything if I went ahead with the termination and just not to look and 'keep flushing'. Hmmm I'm not convinced

I find it slightly concerning you never had anti d injections with your first pregnancy though. They're important in a first pregnancy.

Oh Daisysmummy I've just read your posts.

As the PP said, you seem to want to go ahead with the PG.

Only you can make this decision. Because you are the only one who has to live with it ultimately.

If you go ahead, you'll manage and you will be ok.
If you don't, you'll be ok.

Sometimes the heart rules the head, and that's ok.

Whatever you decide, good luck

Gamerchick and cocoaleaves , it's funny that you both mention control. My ex boyfriend actually told me that one of my partners ex's said he was controlling. Perhaps he is and perhaps you're right , maybe I am waiting for him to take control and he knows he can't so maybe that's annoying him .

He does let me have the final say in the majority of what we do anyway , like dinner going out places etc. He tends to cook dinner whenever he's round anyway (he's actually a very good cook) and he likes things the way he likes them. I'm not sure about the level of control in our relationship I've never felt bound my him in any way and if I was I think it would be more likely if he were to move in- again it boils down to finances but I'd be better off with him living here. (Without a baby that is)

I think what my problem is that I've relied on him heavily over the last 5 years , he's done so much to help with the house , looking after my daughter , now I'm worried that this just going to be too much of a strain for him.

Do you want to carry on the PG but scared he will walk away OP?

Gamerchick- Yes that is strange. I've never been aware of my blood type until now. Even though I remember having like 6 vials of blood taken at the 28 week midwife appointment , it was never mentioned to me. The nurse said unless you had a serious accident or something like that you're not likely to know. But yes that is concerning. :/ xx

I've been following this thread and it seems very up and down.

The way I see it is, the guy wusses out. He shit himself. He had a knee jerk reaction at his life changing and he panicked into telling you that an abortion is a good idea.

Whilst this is pathetic and sad, it's pretty common.

I'm on my third, married and secure and I STILL shit myself and wonder what the hell we are going to do, how we will cope, can we take it?

He very much sounds like he is coming around to the idea and in the car on the way there sounded like he was almost trying to persuade you not to do it.

I think this has been made way more complicated then it needs to be.

It's simple.

The guy shit himself, had a petty pathetic knee jerk reaction and and now he's coming round.

Which would make it even worse if you had a termination right now to be honest.

Sit down and talk to him about keeping the baby. Not about terminating it.

If his biggest worry is the fact that no family are near by then there's little to fret about.

You want to keep the baby, hes giving you a HUGE chance to change your mind, so just keep the baby.

It would actually seem rather odd at this point if you actually terminated.

OP don't rush this decision. It's a big deal. You can never take it back and the regret and guilt can be horrific. If you want to have your baby (which it sounds like you do) you will find a way to make it work, you did before.

Ohforfoxsake- yes I am scared of that. Although I don't think he would I do believe he would step up. But I don't want to force anyone into a situation they don't want to be In , and he's right it would be incredibly hard for us. I have to think ahead to the future and sometimes I think a termination would be for the best. Maybe this isn't it for me and maybe something else is carved out for the future. I'll still consider it a loss though a big one at that.

Why is he still going with you to the appointments?

Maybe your just holding back because you haven't got that reassurance from him anymore, and the fact that you wanted another scan to see the baby, it would tell me that you really really don't want to do this, I still think it's so unbelievably wrong that you were trying for a baby for a year and your partner just changes his mind when your pregnant, you both created something so special that it shouldn't just be a case of iv changed my mind.

Well, whatever you do, read up on control.

Because if he moves in, you will find yourself over time doing everything the way he likes. Not because you feel bound, but because really, you cannot really manage any other way, you don't have any other support than him, and all those little seeds of doubt he sows will add up to make you doubt yourself and your own mind, and of course, doing things his way is a choice - you can always leave (but he knows you are scared of that). How much of this kind of language, which is woven through all the things he is saying here, is evident in other areas of your life?

He likes things the way he likes them. This includes you. There is a seventeen year age gap, if I am correct, he met you when you were vulnerable, he knows what he is doing.

Start paying attention, and hopefully you can tell me I am wrong

You keep talking a about not wanting to go back to where you were and how you don't want to make your daughter suffer by having another baby. I have found having a 2nd baby a very different experience and a lot less lonely. My older child is company for me and a big bonus for them of me having a 2nd is I'm at home more. I can also see the sibling relationship starting to develop. Your daughter would obviously loose financially in the short term with a sibling, but there are also lots of things she would gain to balance that out.

Oh OP. I just wish I could reach through my screen and give you a big hug this is your choice to make, nobody else's, but - it does sound like neither of you really wants to terminate. Please don't do it if you don't want to

Tippytinkletrousers - I liked your post thank you :) maybe i am over complicating things. He is also worried about finances , affording childcare and the space as I only have a small 2 bedroom house right now. He's worried about his age too as he's 45. Yes it seems like he was giving me a chance to change my mind but I don't know if that's because I was upset and still undecided . He knows I can't do it if I'm unsure and I had already walked out at the last appointment.

I have little money myself , no savings and I only work 16 hours a week. So he would be carrying much of the financial responsibility. He said to me earlier that surely I knew that before trying but I didn't really think that part through and now I feel I'm to blame. I just thought we'd manage somehow but now I'm questioning my life over the next 5,10 years and wondering if a termination is the right thing to do. If I can financially be responsible for this extra child on my own then what back up plan do I have ? I love my partner even though he does piss me off at times , but the independence and security I've built up for me and my existing daughter surely counts for something. Him moving in with me and my daughter isn't an issue , it now seems that him moving in with me and two children would be. I'd lose any financial independence I have and I will miss that, as It's something I've strived towards. Maybe I should have waited til I was financially secure In myself for two children then it would have been a no brainer.

If you're worried about talking to him about keeping the baby, do you maybe have a friend that could come with you to mediate? Someone that could step in and if necessary speak on your behalf if you can't yourself?
To me it really looks as though aborting this baby would be severely damaging to you and possibly your mental health. I only say this because from what I've read you seem to want this baby very much.
I'm glad you've bought yourself more time OP, whatever your decision you will find support.

I'm so sorry for you finding yourself in this situation.
You said you 'don't want to force anyone to be in a situation they don't want to'
Your partner has put himself in this situation, he should be taking responsibility. He sounds very weak.

You are being remarkably considerate of his feelings considering the utter shit he's putting you through.
Don't worry about the last 5 years you've relied on him, you don't owe him anything.

You could maybe talk to your boss about maternity pay and leave and still keep your job and financial security.

Either way, keeping the baby or not keeping the baby I think whichever decision you make you'll need to accept it as the best and not dwell on how the other option would have turned out. Maybe get counselling if you do terminate.

OP, if his age is part of the decision making (which it seems to be) are you staying together and are you happy with not having a child together in the future?

I don't mean to be blunt, I'm sorry if it comes across that way - not sure how to ask the question.

Cocoaleaves- I am scared of exactly what you have mentioned. Although I don't fully believe he is controlling , he does like things the way they are and the way he likes them. He's had such a comfortable routine with me and my daughter and all that's about to change. I don't think he likes being out of control , as I've said before I think he thinks he's superman. And he has pretty much been superman since he's entered mine and my daughters lives. Since meeting him I passed my driving test , I got my job , I now have a nice house with carpet (which I didn't have before) he has done so much for us and he does love my daughter like his own. He said to me earlier that he loves her more than her own dad does. Her dad sees her once every two weeks - if that. I'm very scared of our relationship breaking down either way because I know up until now it was perfect.

Mrspandabear - I really do love the idea of a sibling for my daughter , she'd be an amazing big sister. She's always playing with her toy babies and she's such a caring and sweet little girl. Back when I had my morning sickness , which seems to have passed pretty quick this time , she was crying because she could hear me being sick and was worried. It really was the sweetest thing she's a little darling.

Thank you guinessgirl 💗

It strikes me that you don't see yourself as a family. There's you and your DD, there's him. You say about him moving in with you and two children. But one of those will be his child. And you are a family already are you not? That's why he helps you...?

Ohforfoxsake- that is actually a worry that my partner expressed to me before , he said that he worries I might leave in the future because I would want another baby.

As sittingaround said , whatever I do I would have to believe it to be the best and not dwell on it. I would want to make things work with my partner of course I would but i as I told him earlier , there would be no timescale on my grief and I can't be expected to get over it in a short period of time. If I terminated I don't know how I'd feel about a possible future pregnancy with someone else. I wouldn't know until it's happened. I have read some women go on to be desperate for another baby, wanting to replace what they have lost in a sense. I just don't know.

Miemoosmummy - I'm very scared of the effects a termination would have on my mental health and would definitely seek counselling and any help I could. The counsellor I last spoke to said I have to be at least 75% sure of my decision either way (because Ill never be 100%) but I'm still not there yet.