Don't want to breastfeed

[WelshManx]

My baby's due at the end of the year and I really don't want to breastfeed. My Mum struggled with me and tried for a couple of days before giving up and DH doesn't particularly want me to as he will be very hands on and wants to share the feeds and getting up during the night. I'm also going on holiday for a few days when the baby will be 3 months old (without the baby) so it would be unfair on her if I try to breastfeed only to change at 3 months. Apart from that, I just don't want to do it! I'm a bit of a wimp and not very good at standing my ground in certain situations and my midwife and hospital and GP are all ridiculously pro breastfeeding. I feel that they are going to 'bully' me into it and I don't know what to say to them?

"Emotionally invested" isn't an insult - it's a recognition that we are human. I am emotionally invested in this subject myself! It's certainly not an accusation of being "hysterical" (which isn't a word I would use - especially not in a discussion about women and their bodies). Likewise, everyone has assumptions - me included. It is part of how we operate as rational beings.

I honestly thought you might have been interested in the research, which is why I suggested that you... might have been interested in it Apologies if that came across as insulting you somehow, although I'm still a bit baffled as to how. (Perhaps I am myself too used to my own experience of being in environments where people debate things by passing around research?)

But I suspect we're at the point where anything I say will only upset you further, and I truly don't want to upset you or indeed anyone, so let's just leave it there.

Having expressed a bit to get baby used to a bottle and to give me some freedom I'd say that is the ultimate faff followed by formula.

I'm naturally disorganised but always end up dropping a bottle when it's the last one ready so screaming baby waiting for bottle to cool/steriliser to run. Have forgotten formula before now and as we're dairy free it would have been a disaster... If you're a naturally efficient person and aren't of the forget head if not attached type it's probably easier than I found it to be fair...

You can do whatever you wish but don't expect others to not tell you that BFing is best for the baby. It's a fact not fiction. The health professionals' job is to tell you what is the best thing health wise.

Completely agree pearlman. Education, tools, support and knowledge from healthcare professionals are what's needed for a women to make an informed decision on what she feels is best for her and her baby.

I didn't want to either and told the midwife from the start. Nobody really tried to pressure me into trying it. I have no regrets, preparing formula isn't that much of a faff and your partner or anyone gets to help you feed the baby.

Hi I haven't read all the comments but just wanted to say it's 100% you're choice whether you breastfeed or not. With DD I decided to try but she wouldn't latch on and so went on to formula. I didn't breastfeed as a baby (neither did my siblings) and mw said it tends to be a hereditary thing so I had formula ready for taking her home. With DS I didn't bother trying. I can honestly say it hasn't impacted my kids at all and I hate the whole breast is best that's pushed into every mothers face! Some women cannot breastfeed and whether it's a choice or not it is completely you're choice and you shouldn't feel bullied into it or made to feel guilty. I'm really lucky that all my mw and hv haven't been dictators and don't bat an eye on this subject.

I didn't want too. No pressure from anyone, they didn't even mention it as far as I remember other than to ask if I needed any help with anything.

See how you feel when baby arrives OP - I couldn't breastfeed and I was always jealous of the breastfeeding women who had no bottles so sterilise, no massive bags to lug with them everywhere, no bottles to make up at 3am, no smelly formula milk spraying everywhere (it niffs a bit btw) and substantially less washing up to do!

Having said that, if you are 100% set that you don't want to do it, tell them to bugger off. It's your body and your baby and a happy mother is more important to the welfare of a baby than how he or she is fed.

My baby is splendid and I just did what I could with the colostrum and some early attempts at feeds before switching entirely to formula.

There is unfortunately a bit of a competitive feeding war when you are a new mum, breastfeeders and combo feeders vs formula but thankfully it only lasts about 6 months and is then replaced by whose child is the least picky eater when introducing solids. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

My experience (of having a baby who clamped his mouth shut and turned his face away as soon as I so much as unfastened my hideous nursing bra) was that the nhs are very supportive but not pushy. There are lots of resources to help you bf but you need to be proactive in trying to access them.

You are far more likely to receive bullying and judgement from total strangers, especially on social media. I've been told I was lazy (which made me nearly die of laughter - nobody who is lazy chooses formula with all its sterilising/heating/cooling/washing/carrying extra stuff) didn't care about my baby, was feeding it poison etc.

If you go ahead and choose to ff be strong in your decision and be prepared to face some vile people. There are some amazing online resources to support you but they can be quite hard to find due to the nasty comments that ff often face, secret for groups etc.

Good luck in whichever feeding method you choose, do what feels right for you and your baby x

Secret fb groups that should say

I didn't find FF a faff at all. It was such a relief to switch to it.

Faff was having to get out of bed and into a wheel chair hours after an emergency c-section so I could get down to the NICU and sit there with DS crying and not latching and having to be put on fluids, having my boobs tugged on by the midwife like I was some prized cow just to get a bit of milk so they could try and syringe it into his mouth.

Faff was having lactation consultants trying to squeeze my bleeding nipples into his mouth and finally figuring out the only way he would latch was with nipple shields on.

Faff was bleeding nipples from expressing and shields, and creams to stop chapped nipples, and expressing for hours, and sitting up in bed every 2 hours for an hour and a half because DS couldn't latch in any other position, and endless doctors appointments because he was losing weight.

And faff of all faff, waking up one morning six weeks into this nightmare and not having so much as a drop of milk come from my nipples. Not for a good 12 hours. THANK GOD my DM had urged me to buy that can of formula!

Faff was also being told off by a midwife a week later for making my son obese and sick because he wasn't getting nutritious breastmilk and being told I should re-lactate.

Faff was not sterilizing bottles and carrying around some powder. That was the opposite of faff.

Ohnonotanother1- it certainly isn't lazy to ff but my MIL implied that I was lazy for not ff as she had done it and she had "gone to the trouble of making up all those bottles". That really hurt when I was surviving on minimal sleep in order to breastfeed DD.

For the first 7 months I ebf and it was grueling and relentless. When DP started giving a bottle before bed it made such a difference and honestly I look back and don't know how I got through those first 7 months. Friends who ff were able to share the feeding. No lying on the sofa cluster feeding, no phases of hourly breastfeeding every night, they could get partners, friends, family members to take over feeding so that they could get some sleep, have a night out, get out without their babies.

I had no idea how hard bf was before I started. I really didn't know just how often babies fed. DD still often breastfeeds at night at nearly a year old. FF certainly isn't a lazy option but insofar as it allows people to help the mother it is surely much easier than bf! And there is absolutely nothing wrong with taking an easier option! Friends who ff had much more freedom, went to lots of baby groups, had more sleep than I did and were all able to leave their babies with a grandparent. DD is very clingy with me and HVs have said this is common for bf babies. If we have a second child I will definitely persevere with expressing so that they can have bottles and other people can take some of the pressure off for me! I don't think people realise quite how difficult bf is which probably doesn't help bf rates. I respect people's right to choose, however I wish there was better support culturally so that bf was the norm. Lots of comments when I was pregnant were about me being able to drink again after the baby was born. I thought baby would go to bed and I could have a small drink occasionally. Turns out she consistently woke up a few hours after being put down so I could never be sure alcohol was out of my system and therefore decided against it. I have never managed an evening out despite imagining weekend breaks with DP. I didn't know other bf mums as my whole nct group switched to ff precisely because the lack of freedom was just such a huge shock. If we had been told "realistically you will be breastfeeding through the night, you won't be able to be away from your baby but that's something most women go through for the first year after having a baby and is just par for the course" I think more of the group would have stuck with it and supported each other through a difficult time. Instead, I had to turn down invitations a lot because I couldn't be away from DD.

OP - weddingsahoy makes a very good point. Bf mums often spend lots of time feeding their babies. Lots of ff mums feel pressure to hand their babies over to someone else so they can be "getting on with" something else. Don't succumb to that pressure - bf or ff you need to take the time to sit for hours on the sofa with that baby and recover. Pregnancy takes a lot out of you. And to just enjoy your baby. If you feel you want to get up and do something and hand a baby and a bottle to someone else then do, but only if you want to. I have massive regrets about the first few months of my baby's life - the first few weeks were spent pretty much as thefitfatty describes having my painful boob shoved in my screaming baby's face and having appointment after appointment with various people who were convinced they were the answer to my bf problems. The rest of the time I spent attached to a breast pump away from my baby. Because I was using a bottle lots of other people fed the baby and I could get on with sterilising or washing or washing up. I ended up ripping my c section scar open and had a horrendous infection. I never got the hour upon hour of cuddles with the baby and mindless tv, and 15 months on I regret that.

And thefitfatty - I totally agree, everything about bf was a faff/painful/humiliating. But I don't really relish the washing up/sterilising/finding 3day old bottles that the baby has hidden now full of basically cottage cheese etc. Or the expense. I just wish it was like everyone told me it would be - pop a boob out and off you go.

As a side note I find it interesting that all this "help" and "support" I received during those early days has actually turned me right off breastfeeding and I wouldn't even attempt it next time. My baby never latched even once for any of the nhs/private help we tried over a two month period, and the thought of going through all that prodding and the "breast is best so don't give up now" when it quite clearly wasnt working fills me with dread. So actually all that support did nothing other than make me actively hate the concept (for me, I support anyone else who wants to do it just never will do it myself.)

So actually all that support did nothing other than make me actively hate the concept (for me, I support anyone else who wants to do it just never will do it myself.)

Same with me. Almost as soon as I was pregnant with DD I started having panic attacks about BF her. Everyone kept telling me it would be easier the second time around and harping on about the "health benefits." That was when I actually started researching all that stuff and reading the studies. Even then, I still felt guilty and was going to try and BF.
Honestly, right until that moment when we were in the room after she was born and the midwife asked me if I would like to BF, I was planning to BF. I was surprised when the word that came out of my mouth was "No."

The midwife asked me if I was sure and talked about the health benefits. I just kept saying no. She said she'd inform my OB and went off and took a good half an hour to bring back a bottle of formula for DD (who was luckily not fussed). My OB said she'd give me pills to dry up my milk, but the midwives never gave them too me. Didn't matter anyway, because my boobs stayed flat and milkless anyway.

Those first few weeks were so much better with DD than they were with DS. It was great. :)

Oh no and the fit have more eloquently put accross the points I was trying to make. Similar ecperiences to mine I just gave up sooner.

I never expressed though. It wasn't even mentioned and that is somethong I'd decided I wasn't going to do and I'm not sure why.

If bf was as easy as some people find it I would be doing it .I was prepared for either and I definately think if the supply was there I would have put it to good use but it wasn't.

I'm not breastfeeding I don't want to, I've politely listened to the midwives as it's their job to give you the information but I've not been pressurised by anyone.

I was expecting the health visitor to really push the breastfeeding when she did her 34 week visit but she just gave me a leaflet on formula feeding and didn't mention it again.

38 weeks now and feeling very confident in my decision and that I won't be pressurised into anything. I might try to give some colostrum but I'll see how I feel after I've given birth and I'm not going to beat myself up about it.

I'm extremely pro breastfeeding, but breastfeeding is a mutual relationship, if it doesn't work for one of you, it doesn't work. As long as you are choosing not to breastfeed for yourself, then that is YOUR choice, no-one else's. I think a lot of women can be influenced by family members and partners when it comes to breastfeeding (both for and against) and at the end of the day it is purely between mum and baby. You shouldn't be pressured either way. Good luck xxx

Op how much bother it is does depend on your methods tbh. We don't use pre mixed often as it tends to make dd sick a lot more than powder. Also, plenty of people will tell you they make up bottles with cold water, or all feeds at once and reheat etc because "it didn't do any harm" and "mum knows best". The best practice guidance is quite clear and does involve a bit of a process. Even the perfect prep machine, which I use, is controversial to some, but not all, HCPs.

I try to be a stickler for the rules, due to a knowledge of bacterial growth rates and a guilt that I am not bfing although i would like to

Just make sure you understand how bottles should be made, and why. And try to follow best practice guidelines as closely as possible.

I breastfed for 11 months with my first. I feel I would rather bottle feed this time. I was exausted with my son who hung off me constantly. My sil suggested breast feeding a few weeks/months but having a couple bottles in there too. No idea how that would be then right on to bottles

This is a personal experience - not something that is 'for' or 'against' a particular feeding choice. I'm not the sort of woman who absolutely adores very small babies. In some ways I found being a mother more interesting when my child began to move around and talk. I then had more of a sense of a person, who I could start to relate to - if that makes sense.

So I think for me breastfeeding my baby helped me to connect to a very small creature who might otherwise just seem like a sort of alien being who didn't speak my language and who couldn't do anything. I do not think the sense of connection would necessarily have been as great if I'd fed her with a bottle.

I was actually a much more 'instinctual' mother than I had expected to be. I was quite lucky in lots of ways, in that I had a healthy uncomplicated sort of baby and a partner who had had two other children before. I wasn't constantly looking at books or going on the internet for advice - I think parents now can get overwhelmed by all the different opinions that are floating around in cyberspace.

Again I think the physicality of feeding may have helped that feeling that in general I just knew my baby and she knew me.

There are all sorts of different ways to 'do' being a mother, and it is very important to be comfortable with the choices you make. But I think parenthood is very surprising, so there's something to be said for being open to the possibility that all your previous ideas may go out of the window once you actually have a real baby.

I had a section and wanted to bf but my milk never properly came in - no leaky painful boobs here. I mix fed for about 3 months and then ds had had enough and only wanted bottles. I was told off by a mw in the hospital for giving my baby a bottle so it does happen. In hindsight I should have told her to do one.

I'm pregnant again and will be having a section again. If my milk comes in fab and if not it's bottles all the way. My friend has the perfect prep machine and it is great, takes all the messing around waiting for the formula to cool down out of the equation so you don't have to be so organised. Electric sterlilizers and dishwashers take the faff out of cleaning bottles, handwashing teats can't take more than 5 minutes a day. There are lots of labour saving formula devices and products available so take advantage of everything you can afford/ get your hands on!

For night feeds I used to have sterilised bottles upstairs and small premade cartons of formula. Then I'd just snip open the carton, pour into bottle and feed ds. You can buy premade bottles to use out and about or in hospital. They are not cheap but if you can afford them they take all the pressure off you in hospital and you can have a couple in your bag for emergencies so you never get caught short.

If I was advising someone who was planning to ff I would say buy a prep machine, an electric steriliser, a pack of premade bottles for hospital and some premade cartons for out and about. This is my shopping list for nearer the time.

The thing is, people basically give up a full year.

Yeah for the first couple of weeks/first month you're knackered and glued to the sofa anyway. But at about 6 weeks you start getting very bored and restless. And the adrenaline has worn off and you start to get very very tired of basically being a milking machine. If you haven't introduced bottles by then you're starting to close the cage around yourself just when you start to get antsy.

And not all people can just "pop the baby in a sling and BF on the go". Some babies loathe slings, and some women (like me) have such an oversupply that BFing in public is a messy and humiliating business. At least at home nobody notices your top has suddenly become sodden. And if you've an oversupply you're generally encouraged to BF lying down anyway. For ALL feeds. Until it magically sorts itself out. (In my case, it never ever did)

So if you get through all that and have a baby who never did take a bottle, or who you forgot to train on a bottle, then it'll be a year or so of whipping your boob out 24/7. (Cos god forbid they go back to sleep without it.)

Or longer. I remember my friend wailing to me that she genuinely had thought they just "naturally stopped" after a year. She ended up BFing till 3 and those last two years almost killed her. She had a strong willed child and had missed her window. Once the child was a toddler, it was game over till the child decided otherwise.

I BF myself and would do it again, but I'm bloody glad I introduced bottles of expressed early on, and I'm bloody glad I stopped after they started weaning . I feel like it was the best of both worlds both for them and for my mental health.