How would you feel if your ex asked for paternity test?

[Cheshirehello79]

A bit of an awkward one but was in short term relationship which I didn't feel there was any future in it and decided to end it. Ex didn't take it very well but 3 days after ending it I found out that I was pregnant so had to get in touch and tell him not that I wanted him back - just courtesy.

Initially we thought maybe give it another go but deep inside my heart I knew I didn't love him and the spark was gone so when I told him and that I was going to keep the baby he kind of offered support in terms of company but nothing else ie he made it clear that he didn't earn enough and didn't think he could support a child. Well that wasn't a big issue as I've got decent paid job and my decision to keep the pregnancy was taking into account I can look after the baby alone.

I never heard much from him in terms of how I was doing with pregnancy and I didn't feel obliged to invite him to any scans but have sent him all scan images, well I did kind of for 12 weeks scan but I then texted him to cancel him. Well it felt awkward we've not spoken for over 3 months and I didn't think he cared much really as had spotting at 8 weeks and when I told him his response was hope you two are ok.

Anyways been on 20 week scan and so far so good but thought I should send him a message to find out if he wants any involvement with the child and if he was going to offer any support prior birth and after and invited him to hospital when due but offer wasn't extended to be birth partner but happy for him to be in waiting room.

Now here is the fun bit.... His reply was thanks for the invite but I won't be there for the birth of the child as don't feel wanted and in regards to support happy to do so but before anything I would like a paternity test to confirm that the child is mine. He also added that I'm in no doubt it is but would like paternity test.

Now this "idiot" know it's his child and we met up a couple of times after finding out I'm expecting and not once did he question paternity - well calculated when did I likely conceive and we were away that weekend ( valentines ) so not sure what he's playing at.

Not that I need his money I just see it as principal that all fathers should support their kids. After his comment I feel like cutting him off completely ( we don't / well I don't really need him) but I don't think it's fair for the baby. I grew up in a loving family and I wanted the baby to do the same even if we weren't an item. His silence in not even texting to find out how I'm doing or do you need anything speaks volume.

If you were in same position as I am - what would you do?

Will the baby have your surname?

My brother and his gf broke up when she was pregnant and their son has her surname and not his. Although she always wanted that,even if they'd still been together. He wasn't that bothered but I was even though none of my business (rare surname!).

Good luck with the rest of the pregnancy.

men arent always that interested.
im 33 weeks pregnant and yes, though my dh clearly cares about me and the babies, he isnt all that interested in the pregnancy itself. he isnt bothered to come to scans. i tell.him everything when he asks.
it doesnt mean he isnt bothered, he just doesnt know what to ask.

men dont physically experience the pregnancy so they cant fully comprehend how to be.
just because he isnt showing an interest doesnt mean he doesnt care.
my dh cares very much and always makes sure im ok and the bump is ok. he cant wait to be a dad, but im still not convinced its hit him yet hes going to be a dad and we have less than a month to go.
dont punish him for not showing an interest. id be getting a divorce if that was the case.

Just to put another view on it, for all there are wonderful fathers and lovely men out there, I'm always going to think that miscarriages, still births etc are far harder for the mother, because when the baby is in your body, in your head it's already a living baby, that even the most lovely man can't experience at that stage to the same level. I'm not dismissing the feelings of any man who has lost an unborn child, they deserve every sympathy, but its not the same as for the person who's carrying the baby.
So whilst I'm not excusing men who are uncaring of an unborn child, I do think until the baby is born, the fathers feelings towards a foetus or even late stage viable baby, can't match the mothers. And yet when the baby is actually born and there, they are just as capable of loving them and facing the responsibility.

OP, please don't do anything to punish your ex. You will be punishing the child by creating a really bad relationship between it's parents.
You have no reason to be angry about the request for a dna test.
You have no reason to be angry about your ex's lack of involvement during the pregnancy, as it sounds like it would be more stress to have regular contact.
You have no reason from everything you've said, to keep your child from knowing it's dad once it's born.

I suggest, you give up expectations of him during the pregnancy, concentrate on minimising stress, and when the baby is born get the dna dealt with asap. Don't faff around trying to make it hurt him financially, that sounds incredibly immature, and will waste a lot of time unnecessarily.
When he finds out 100% the baby is his, sit down like adults and discuss the best way to move forward for the child, regarding contact.
If he is useless and a total letdown, deal with it then.
I think he is being sensible requesting a dna, if nothing else, the child will never have any doubt. If it has offended you, suck it up and move on, and start seeing the benefits of it.

He is your ex. Your emotional needs are not his responsibility anymore.The most he can do is be honest. For that, you seem to be trying to punish him.

You have said things on this post that have come across very childish, bitter, and unhelpful to your child. I hope that you can drop some of your anger for the sake of your child before it arrives.

Good luck with everything.