How would you feel if your ex asked for paternity test?

[Cheshirehello79]

A bit of an awkward one but was in short term relationship which I didn't feel there was any future in it and decided to end it. Ex didn't take it very well but 3 days after ending it I found out that I was pregnant so had to get in touch and tell him not that I wanted him back - just courtesy.

Initially we thought maybe give it another go but deep inside my heart I knew I didn't love him and the spark was gone so when I told him and that I was going to keep the baby he kind of offered support in terms of company but nothing else ie he made it clear that he didn't earn enough and didn't think he could support a child. Well that wasn't a big issue as I've got decent paid job and my decision to keep the pregnancy was taking into account I can look after the baby alone.

I never heard much from him in terms of how I was doing with pregnancy and I didn't feel obliged to invite him to any scans but have sent him all scan images, well I did kind of for 12 weeks scan but I then texted him to cancel him. Well it felt awkward we've not spoken for over 3 months and I didn't think he cared much really as had spotting at 8 weeks and when I told him his response was hope you two are ok.

Anyways been on 20 week scan and so far so good but thought I should send him a message to find out if he wants any involvement with the child and if he was going to offer any support prior birth and after and invited him to hospital when due but offer wasn't extended to be birth partner but happy for him to be in waiting room.

Now here is the fun bit.... His reply was thanks for the invite but I won't be there for the birth of the child as don't feel wanted and in regards to support happy to do so but before anything I would like a paternity test to confirm that the child is mine. He also added that I'm in no doubt it is but would like paternity test.

Now this "idiot" know it's his child and we met up a couple of times after finding out I'm expecting and not once did he question paternity - well calculated when did I likely conceive and we were away that weekend ( valentines ) so not sure what he's playing at.

Not that I need his money I just see it as principal that all fathers should support their kids. After his comment I feel like cutting him off completely ( we don't / well I don't really need him) but I don't think it's fair for the baby. I grew up in a loving family and I wanted the baby to do the same even if we weren't an item. His silence in not even texting to find out how I'm doing or do you need anything speaks volume.

If you were in same position as I am - what would you do?

Your child is his. Yes, it's unpleasant to ask for a test but once it is done he can't argue with it. Using his behaviour as an excuse to make things as difficult and pricey as possible for him is petty. Surely what matters is that he has every chance to be a father to his child? If he fucks it up then that's on him but if you put obstacles in his way it just gives him excuses as to why he didn't step up.

I think it's pretty sensible of him to request a paternity test.

You had a short term relationship, presumably casual.

What I would not do is use this as some sort of ammunition to play games.

Youre being totally unfair to both him and the prospectuve child. You want to get his money via the csa but make him apply through the courts for contact, you want to keep him off the birth cert and tell the kid about the dna test.....
Stop thinking so much about yourself and what you want. You are playing petty games and you need to grow up and start acting like a parent. Children deserve two parents wherever possible, so dont be a dick about it.

You're not being fair. It makes sense for him to ask for a paternity test. And if you weren't so caught up in being offended, you'd know it actually made sense to have one and erase any doubts going forward. As for not putting him on the birth certificate/being obstructive, etc, yy you are annoyed but this isn't about you, or him. It's about your DC.

This is what happens when men try and boost their ego.

Nope this is what happens when people treat their children like pawns. All this talk of his game and your response. That is your child's life you are talking about.

You may not want him involved to teach him a lesson. Your child may think differently.

Imagine telling my child tears along the line that your father requested Dna test to prove you are his child . How awful .

Yes. How awful. So on no account tell your child that!!

You are both about to be parents. Start acting like it.

I'm sorry but I'm trying to figure out whether your joking or not?? Shocked is an understatement.
Restricting access
CSA
Dearest paternity test just so he pays
Not on birth certificate
Threatening to tell your child.

Please grow the bloody hell up !! This child is a human being not a weapon or toy for you to torment someone with, a helpless child relying on you to do what's best for it and u are being completely selfish and ME ME ME and only thinking about yourself and what YOU want instead of what your child deserves. People like you annoy me playing games cz let me tell you this if you think playing games will get you anywhere you are sadly mistaken as 9/10 times parents who play games forget the fact that its about the child's needs and then the child missus out. I think you should be asking yourself y are you having a baby if you don't know how to behave and communicate like an adult. Just do the paternity test he's been smart enough to ask for one as ur relationship was brief and I would assume he doesn't want to bond with a baby that isn't his. Grow up and get your priorities straight. Absolutely rediculous !

You sound very bitter OP.

I think he is well within his rights to ask for the test, and you are being very obstructive if you want to make it as hard as possible - in terms of getting the expensive test done and trying to restrict access.

Its time to stop thinking about as a game. Respect one another and be adult about it. Give your ex a break and try and be amicable. Your game playing will only cause your relationship stress, and you will have to have some kind of relationship when you have the baby.

You should also get maintenance money from him. You might not need or want the money but its wise to remember that its your childs money.

This all sounds very tit for tat. There is going to be a child arriving very soon and it's not fair on them for both its parents to be playing games and trying to get one over on each other.

Do the paternity test and go forward positively for the benefit of the child.

I feel very sorry for your ex. I remember your previous thread and it seems you have been intent on being as difficult as possible since the start.

It's a shame that you see your ex as someone who is less deserving of a relationship with the child than you are. Especially considering that you're coming across as extremely quite selfish and immature yourself, which isn't the best quality in a parent is it?

It's time to grow up OP. zippey has given some really good advice above. For your child's sake I hope you take it.

I have been the child in this scenario and I absolutely hate my mother for behaving the way she did. Stop this shit now before the damage is done.

To be frank OP, it sounds like you are being incredibly immature about this. It's a paternity test. You two were in a casual relationship. Jesus, I'd consider him a bit of a twat if he didn't ask for one. Why are you taking it as some sort of personal affront? Because he doesn't simply roll over and take your word as law? Why should he? From the sounds of it, he barely knows you!!!

Only consenting to the most expensive is childish and actually quite pathetic. You should instead be saying that you are happy for a paternity test, providing he is the one who pays for it, and he uses a test from a Gov approved lab

LINK HERE

On the birth certificate, do as you want. I don't think you have any obligation whatsoever to put his name on it. You might not even be able to if the results from the test haven't come back yet.

I actually disagree with the majority view that every child desperately needs both parents in their lives. I think it's much more damaging for a child to see that actually one parent doesn't really give a shit, and only sees them because the other parent is constantly forcing it.

seems sensible of him to ask for a paternity test. Short term relationship that you ended and afterwards informed him of pregnancy, how does he have any way of knowing its his except your say so?
I dont see what you have to be annoyed about, tbh. You hold all the cards, hed be an idiot not to get proof.

^ this

I don't think he is being unreasonable about it tbh.

I think you are being very petty though deliberately wanting to go down certain costs so it will be more expensive to him and thinking 'two can play this game'

I also don't think he is being unreasonable in wanting a paternity test. You were together a short time, he wanted to try again and you didn't. You thought you might want him around for the dating scan then changed your mind. Now you don't mind if he sits in the waiting room whilst you labour - but you might change your mind about that too nearer the time. I imagine from his POV he feels totally disconnected to you and the pregnancy and do wants confirmation the child is actually his once it's born.

To be honest you'd have to be a bit if a plonker to pay maintenance for the next eighteen years to a child who is probably yours because your ex girlfriend says so.

Christ OP you sound do childish. I think it's perfectly acceptable for him to ask for a paternity test given the short nature of you relationship. Grow up OP, for the sake of your child.

Having known a man who was happily married 15 years with a 10 year old child then finding out the child was not his

I'd happily give him a paternity test. After all we know for sure the child is ours but men do get dubed by horrible women , just give him his test to put his mind at rest and so no doubt can ever creep into his min.

Don't take it as a insult. Just do it then your ex can throw himself into being a good father to your child

just do the test to be honest its nothing you said yourself it wasn't a long term thing so do either of you know what each others really like?

i offered my ex a dna because the doctors told him he couldn't have kids the doctors said they would be happy to do it for me if that's what he wanted (i knew he was the father because i had only slept with one man in 6 years) he turned it down

it not a judgment on you its just protecting himself

OP you are not showing yourself in a,good light. Why is he an idiot? You had a very brief relationship with him and you ended it. You've chosen to continue with the pregnancy and by your own admission the invite to the scan was half hearted and you then cancelled the invite. You know he didn't want a baby but it's your body and your choice.
The child isn't your property or a pawn. He is being very sensible asking for a DNA test, making it more expensive than it needs to be is just nasty.
If he is the father he is entitled to be on the birth certificate and have a relationship with his child, he has an obligation to financially support his child. His child has a right to know their father.
You both created this child, let go of the bitterness.

He had a short term relationship, got dumped, told the ex was pregnant, invited/uninvited to scans. If I was his mother friend or sister I would be advising him to get a test and so would you. Get real OP you got pregnant from a short term fling and now want to screw him for every penny? Nice

Given you reaction I'm not surprised he wants a test. It sounds like he was being honest with you before you made the decision to have the baby.

He has every right to ask for a test, it was short term and you ended things then turn up pregnant.

You sound spiteful and your attitude is appalling. Your child has every right to a relationship with their dad. Grow up!

You've got nothing to lose providing he pays for the test. :)

I think like others have said that he's doing this to be difficult x good luck x

What advice would you give a son who had recently been in a short term relationship a woman now saying she is pregnant.
Surely now that he is considering bring either emotionally or financially involved a DNA test us not an unreasonable request.

Can I just re- iterate that it wasn't a fling neither casual relationship - we were exclusive introduced each other to parents / friend etc and spent most days together whilst we were in the relationship.

Thanks for all your comments and indeed my first priority is the child and whatever decisions I make I'll ensure its for the child's best interest

It's a pity some parents use the 'best interests' line to act like a nob though.

A bit of an awkward one but was in short term relationship which I didn't feel there was any future in it and decided to end it.

Those are your own words. A DNA test is a sensible step

How many weeks are you now? Was the scan a while ago? As if you're 20 weeks now, then you didn't conceive at Valentines. Maybe that it why he's asking for the paternity test?