How would you feel if your ex asked for paternity test?

[Cheshirehello79]

A bit of an awkward one but was in short term relationship which I didn't feel there was any future in it and decided to end it. Ex didn't take it very well but 3 days after ending it I found out that I was pregnant so had to get in touch and tell him not that I wanted him back - just courtesy.

Initially we thought maybe give it another go but deep inside my heart I knew I didn't love him and the spark was gone so when I told him and that I was going to keep the baby he kind of offered support in terms of company but nothing else ie he made it clear that he didn't earn enough and didn't think he could support a child. Well that wasn't a big issue as I've got decent paid job and my decision to keep the pregnancy was taking into account I can look after the baby alone.

I never heard much from him in terms of how I was doing with pregnancy and I didn't feel obliged to invite him to any scans but have sent him all scan images, well I did kind of for 12 weeks scan but I then texted him to cancel him. Well it felt awkward we've not spoken for over 3 months and I didn't think he cared much really as had spotting at 8 weeks and when I told him his response was hope you two are ok.

Anyways been on 20 week scan and so far so good but thought I should send him a message to find out if he wants any involvement with the child and if he was going to offer any support prior birth and after and invited him to hospital when due but offer wasn't extended to be birth partner but happy for him to be in waiting room.

Now here is the fun bit.... His reply was thanks for the invite but I won't be there for the birth of the child as don't feel wanted and in regards to support happy to do so but before anything I would like a paternity test to confirm that the child is mine. He also added that I'm in no doubt it is but would like paternity test.

Now this "idiot" know it's his child and we met up a couple of times after finding out I'm expecting and not once did he question paternity - well calculated when did I likely conceive and we were away that weekend ( valentines ) so not sure what he's playing at.

Not that I need his money I just see it as principal that all fathers should support their kids. After his comment I feel like cutting him off completely ( we don't / well I don't really need him) but I don't think it's fair for the baby. I grew up in a loving family and I wanted the baby to do the same even if we weren't an item. His silence in not even texting to find out how I'm doing or do you need anything speaks volume.

If you were in same position as I am - what would you do?

Fatima - I conceived around week of 13th March we went away to celebrate valentines at that time ( valentines gift). When I did the test I was 2-3 weeks pregnant that was 30th March I'm now 21weeks 3 days roughly. Not slept with anyone else after him or when I was with him ...

I've been in your situation, I still have mixed feelings about it very many years later!!!!

I rationally understand his need for absolutely proof due the financial liability it is and I feel incredibly hurt that I was essentially being accused of being a liar.

But the reason why I'm annoyed is that why didn't he question if it was his child the couple of time we met to discuss how we are going to take things forward. Only after asking him if he's going to offer any support that's when the question popped up. Surely if I was a guy, been dumped, and an ex calls me to say she's pregnant the first thing if I was in doubt would have been asking her that question. When I approached him to share the news his question was can we give it a go for the sake of our baby? I still have that in writing as well. So 5 months down the line asking for partenity test ( as I said not that I'm in doubt of who the father is...) you can understand why I'm annoyed.

Possibly because it's becoming more real to him, the baby is definitely happening now - no miscarriage etc. Also perhaps other people have said something and it's occurred to him that he is taking your word for it.

How would you feel if someone you had a brief relationship told you that they now have at the very least an 18 year financial commitment that is going to occur?

Shocked, frightened, having no control over the outcome???

He's in a tough situation too.

Mine only asked for the paternity testing after the CSA claimed on him (was automatic as I was income support for the 6 weeks post birth before actively seeking work)

You sound very childish, I say that as someone who has been in a similar position and has had to swallow my pride in order to enable my child to have a decent relationship with their father.

Do the DNA test, he's certainly not being unreasonable to ask for one. Why make him go through the courts to see the child??

Your child will one day grow into a teenager/adult who will scrutinise the choices you've made, being obstructive will more than likely come back and bite you on the arse in years to come.

I can't really see what he's done wrong here - surely the dna test just provides certainty, otherwise he's only got your word for it and let's face it - lots of people lie about lots of things for lots of reasons. It's not unusual.
I don't know why you are banning him from the birth certificate either, that's unfair.
You could do with agreeing your contact and expectations in writing before baby is born perhaps? You might find his idea of support, and yours, vary greatly.

I can't understand why you are annoyed 5 months down the line.

Look at it from his point of view; he had a brief relatiinship, she finished it, then she announced a while later she was pregnant, he initially said something like wow!, shall we try again for sake of baby, she says no, a few months later his mates/family say "hold on a minute, before you blindly take on a child, pay for it, commit to it emotionally, shoudnt't you just confirm that it is actually yours? That could be hell of a heartache, mate, expensive and highly emotional. And could impose on any future relationship, and future children"

I'm with him OP, and I don't understand why you are so cross with him.

Well what he's done is just put even a greater barrier between me and him. Call me childish but I feel like I'm being accused of sleeping around whilst in relationship with him. I'm completely against infidelity. What I've said to him is he is not going to hear from me now - no more scan pictures / updates etc until baby is born and once DNA test is completed and results are out then we can start again from there. In the mean time he is the one whose going to miss out seeing progress of the baby( scans) and even when I've given birth I'm not going to share no pictures / name etc I'll tell him baby is born you make dna arrangement so will leave the ball in his court. After all he might as well prove and satisfy himself that it's his child before I emotionally involve him through pictures etc... As much as I'd hate to say but his loss !

And yes if he doesn't arrange Dna test within 6 weeks of child being born he's definetly not going on bc after all as he currently portray ... It might not be his child ;-)

You are being spiteful and childish. You need to grow up before your baby arrives. Better he asks now than have any doubt for the rest of his life. He is asking now before he devotes years to his child.

When I read your posts I imagine the words being said by a toddler stamping their foot.

Oh for fuck sake! Are you being deliberately obtuse? You are stopping contact because he has asked for a DNA test and yet he is the one creating a barrier? Are you for real?

I think you are being unfair sorry.

The tell the child their Dad demanded a DNA test sounds awful as does threatening to not put him on the birth cert.

it was a short relationship, after you split up you told him you were pregnant.

You might not be like that but sadly a lot of women do play games.

and I'm afraid the he won't get scan pictures, he won't go on birth cert sounds like it might grow into he's upset me he's not seeing the child.

Which Is exactly the kind of behaviour that gives us single Mums a bad name.

Do you really want the first years of your child's life being dragged through court and contact centres? Because I can assure you from friends experience it's shit.

Oh Cheshire, I understand you are hurt and humiliated by him asking for a DNA test but your attitude now isn't helping anyone, least of all your child.

What about when your child is older and looking at newborn photos of him/herself and asks why there are none with his/her dad, and you say you didn't let his/her dad meet him until he was six weeks old.

Let the Father have whatever contact he wants. If he wants to be at the waiting room to meet his child, let him. Don't let your hormones dictate your child's future at this stage - you need to put your child's needs first before your pride.

When I read your posts I imagine the words being said by a toddler stamping their foot

Completely agree. You are coming across as extremely childish and quite frankly spiteful. You are putting your needs ahead of your child.

Children are not pawns to score points with. If he went to court you will probably be told so as DH exwife was

Grow up, your child doesn't deserve this. If xdp is definitely the father as you say then put him on the bc and allow proper access in return for support or you will end up going through a lengthy and painful legal process with a small child. Your dc will not thank you for being obstructive, they will one day be a young adult with their own mind.

Dds father asked for a DNA test. After a long term relationship, planned pregnancy and the fact he knew beyond doubt she was his. I felt unsurprised at that point, just slightly hopeful that nobody had told him he'd be paying for the test.
Offended though I'd be in your shoes I can see it from his point. I wouldn't want to get attached to a child thinking they were mine and then down the line be told I had no legal right to them.

you need to put your child's needs first before your pride.

This. Very much this. Just because you hold the cards you don't have to play games.

Also, you may actually find as a single parent that having someone else who is also interested in your child who wants to be there for your child is of benefit to both you and your child. Being a single parent is bloody hard work. It can be lonely.

He may turn out to be a shit absentee parent, he may turn out to be brilliant. Children don't have to have two parents but another parent who is a good parent is a bonus. So I'd see what kind of dad he makes instead of prejudginh

Some day when your child takes his/het first steps, learns to ride a bike etc. You might regret you have no one to tell this to who is as interested and as chuffed as you are.

Should have read full thread. As someone who's dd was fathered by a genetically perfect but morally and emotionally devoid cunt, I'd have done anything to allow her a relationship with him if he'd been half human and willing. Fuck knows I gave him enough chances, said I'd forgive all and help him be a non resident dad if he wanted on the understanding I'd murder him if he ever tried his shit with her.
He didn't take me up, but my dd was the priority, so her needs far outweighed my very valid hatred and desire to 'show him'.
You have no excuse. Your baby is not a bargaining tool, it's a baby with every right to have a relationship with their dad, and you have no right to make that choice for them. In 10, 15, 18 years time will you be holding your head up and saying you made every effort? Or saying yeah, sorry about the dad thing, he tried but I made it really hard because I was upset?

Gosh. What on earth! This bloke has done nothing wrong. You've made him feel unwanted. You are creating barriers and you are behaviour is that of a difficult child.

I hope he finds it in him to fight for secure access to his child and you grow up before your baby arrives.

I completely understand his thinking. I am sure he knows he is the dad but he is about to undertake a huge financial commitment and hopefully an emotional one too. The relationship was short lived and also you dumped him so perhaps he is wondering if something happened, perhaps a more cynical friend is questioning your honesty.

You need to emotionally detach from what your previous relationship was. Admit it you are offended and angry with him.

I think the way you are planning on punishing him for this is unreasonable and it is worse than his behaviour towards you. I would apply for csa right away and let them sort out the DNA test with him. I also thinks if he wants contact then your child deserves to get to know not only their dad but his family.

pathetic. i was raised by my mum and saw my dad on a weekend as a child. thank god my mum didnt have the attitude you have or id have grown up resenting her for not allowing me a relationship with my dad. you need to grow up. this isnt about you, its about your child.

You're being ridiculous.

I really do pity men who end up in these situations.

You're not mature enough to have a child. Your body might be but your mind is that of a kid playing games and trying to score points.