How would you feel if your ex asked for paternity test?

[Cheshirehello79]

A bit of an awkward one but was in short term relationship which I didn't feel there was any future in it and decided to end it. Ex didn't take it very well but 3 days after ending it I found out that I was pregnant so had to get in touch and tell him not that I wanted him back - just courtesy.

Initially we thought maybe give it another go but deep inside my heart I knew I didn't love him and the spark was gone so when I told him and that I was going to keep the baby he kind of offered support in terms of company but nothing else ie he made it clear that he didn't earn enough and didn't think he could support a child. Well that wasn't a big issue as I've got decent paid job and my decision to keep the pregnancy was taking into account I can look after the baby alone.

I never heard much from him in terms of how I was doing with pregnancy and I didn't feel obliged to invite him to any scans but have sent him all scan images, well I did kind of for 12 weeks scan but I then texted him to cancel him. Well it felt awkward we've not spoken for over 3 months and I didn't think he cared much really as had spotting at 8 weeks and when I told him his response was hope you two are ok.

Anyways been on 20 week scan and so far so good but thought I should send him a message to find out if he wants any involvement with the child and if he was going to offer any support prior birth and after and invited him to hospital when due but offer wasn't extended to be birth partner but happy for him to be in waiting room.

Now here is the fun bit.... His reply was thanks for the invite but I won't be there for the birth of the child as don't feel wanted and in regards to support happy to do so but before anything I would like a paternity test to confirm that the child is mine. He also added that I'm in no doubt it is but would like paternity test.

Now this "idiot" know it's his child and we met up a couple of times after finding out I'm expecting and not once did he question paternity - well calculated when did I likely conceive and we were away that weekend ( valentines ) so not sure what he's playing at.

Not that I need his money I just see it as principal that all fathers should support their kids. After his comment I feel like cutting him off completely ( we don't / well I don't really need him) but I don't think it's fair for the baby. I grew up in a loving family and I wanted the baby to do the same even if we weren't an item. His silence in not even texting to find out how I'm doing or do you need anything speaks volume.

If you were in same position as I am - what would you do?

Oh pls in the name of god woman grow the hell up. Your are not mature enough to happy a child with the attitude you have. You are selfish and self centered this is a baby not a bargaining tool. I pit your xdp that he will have to put up with you for next 18 years your being rediculous. By not involving him u will push him away a father needs to bond with baby before birth too. You can't just expect to take your word that the child is his. He is going to run a mile if you don't get your act together . andyour child will not thank you in years tocome for this bebehavior of yours. The poor man hasn't done anything and you are full of spite and hatred, women like you are a disgrace. I am 19 years old and pregnant with my first and would not trwT my child or do although we are together with the sheer disrespect you are, utter shambles you are creating for your child and making it difficult he has every right tosee this bbaby. I actually don't have the words to describe how you are acting. This baby deserves better than being used as a pon !

Honestly, he was honest he told you he couldn't afford a child.
You said I can keep this baby, I can pay for it.

He's asked to check peternity ( sensible enough, if a bit shitty) and now your claiming CSA against him and your going to punish him financially.

I don't think your behaving very well.

Do whatever you like. Behave however you like. Your child is the one who will lose out if they don't have a relationship with their father. If that is because he can't be arsed then it will be his fault but if you deliberately put obstacles in his way because you've been hurt, how will you face your child?

I think the last few comments - you guys have missed my point.

I've tried to involve him by keeping him up to date with the preganancy and sending him scan pictures but hardly ever got any response hence I never felt he cared much so why bother. Not once has he sent a message to find out how we are doing unless I initiate the text.

In regards to finance - it's not about the money ! I asked him he wanted any involvement and wanted to contribute anything prior to baby being born and after as I'm just getting all my finances in order in prep - most descent enough people will ask what things do you need? I've had colleagues at work asking me what I would like for the baby BUT the father oh no! That's where the paternity test question arised . He knows for sure I don't need his money I'm independent and have always supported myself so it's not about the money - the question of support even if it's a £1 something that will be for his child not me.

The decision of not adding him on be is so that I don't have issues with him in future as I don't see any future relationship between me and him being straight forward . He is still bitter why I left him . I'm happy to do things for the sake of the child but he's one of those people who hold grudges so don't want tie myself by giving him PR and then tie myself down.

The child will know everything about their dad that I owe them have even saved pictures to show the baby one day for their own baby record book so no I'm not bitter towards him.

As explained the fact that he wants DNA test which is fine by me has somewhat shocked me at this later stage and to consent to it I will only accept government approved lab and not some over the counter swabs etc. the trust is gone so I will expect him to pay the price to have one officially done.

I won't apply csa straight away as he might think I need his pennies hence I'll await till he does Dna test then move forward.

Your child is entitled to those 'pennies.' 'I can't afford a child' is no excuse from the father when the child is already conceived.

You say he holds grudges? It certainly sounds like you do too!

You need to swallow your pride, do some growing up... And fast!

The DNA test will be enough for him to have PR regardless of the bc so you are being petty. Your perspective on all of this is so very off and you are embittered. If he doubts paternity of course he is holding back. You really would do well to make this a conflict-free as possible.

No OP - what you said was that you were going to force him to pay upwards of £500 for a DNA test in a deliberate attempt to punish him for having the gall to ask for a paternity test. That's very different than saying "I will only accept a government recognised lab doing the test".

Who cares if it took him five months to think things through? People do have the right to change their minds about things for god's sake. His gut reaction was "let's try again for the baby" (as it is for a surprising number of people), and now he has had time to think things through, or someone has pointed out to him that he could be making a huge mistake.

At any point, have you actually both sat down like adults and actually just talked about what sort of involvement you would both be happy with during the pregnancy? If you are only contacting him every once in a blue moon with major updates it's pretty natural he wouldn't be bombarding you with questions.

I can sort of understand the idea that you are offended that he is questioning your integrity, but you need to get the fuck over it. He is absolutely entitled to ask for this. He would be just as entitled to ask for it after the birth, having never once mentioned it before.

On the birth certificate, as I said before - do what you want. Personally, if someone had asked for a DNA test, then I wouldn't put them on the BC. Not as a punishment, but because I wouldn't be prepared to put the process on hold whilst they went ahead with the test, or not, or whatever they decided to do.

The child isn't even born yet and you are using it as a weapon!
I would imagine that he was hurt when you finished it with him.
Shocked that after a few weeks you tell him you are pregnant.
You wont use csa because you 'are going to make him pay'.

I think he would be mad if he didn't ask for DNA. You have read threads on here about people thinking they are in happy commited relationships and then one party up's and leaves for someone else, perhaps he thought he was in a happy commited relationship?
He is covering his back and both his and his childs future by asking for the test, that for all parties is the best way forward. He is not saying anything other than everyone needs to be 100% sure so that no confusion etc can be brought up later.
Grow up!

I'm happy to do things for the sake of the child but he's one of those people who hold grudges so don't want tie myself by giving him PR and then tie myself down

You are NOT doing tings for tge sake of your child. It all seems to be about you as the second half of that sentence proves.

The decision of not adding him on be is so that I don't have issues with him in future as I don't see any future relationship between me and him being straight forward

It's not your relationship that's important here, it's the one between your unborn child and him.

I hate it when women use the birth certificate as a power play instead of just putting who the actual bloody dad is.

It's all about YOU. You''d better get your head around the fact that its about someone else now...the kid.
He hasn't put barriers between you, YOU did that. You dumped him and then told him you were knocked up and now youre pissed that he's not dancing to your tune. You are playing games and messing him around. He doesn't have to act as you want him to, you might be the one creating all the drama but you don't get to direct him.

Put him on the birth cert and give him PR because its best for the KID. He will get it through the courts anyway if he chooses that route. Stop being such a selfish wagon.

You aren't solving a dispute with a neighbour where you get to give it a half arsed go and then say fuck it and go off in a huff. It's the father of your child, half of that baby has his genes, and whatever you may believe you don't owe him, you owe your child a hell of a lot more than a casual attempt at letting him be a dad.
I hate the fact that however nicely I explain it and prove it was not anything to do with her, at some point my dd will realise her father is a cunt who doesn't want her. I'm shit scared that will happen before she's emotionally mature enough to realise its entirely him not her. And you are willing to put your child in that position for some pathetic childish point scoring game.
As a parent its not an ideal, or an opinion, or something to try, you put your childs needs before your own, end of.

He has every right to have parental responsibility, you my love are pathetic and have completely angered me today. Your selfish no doubt about it and this baby deserves more. I hope for the child sake he does go through courts cz u are manipulative and will get everything you deserve. Once the courts see how manipulative you are who do you think they would favour with ? Grow up woman. Before you destroy 3 lives yours his and your child's. Do the right thing I'm actually beginning to think its a wind up because no body can be that selfish and twisted and bitter as you are. I really hope your child grows up to realize who's at fault here and it definitely is not the dad. When people split up and have kids there tends to be the one parent that twist n schemes to get there own way and make the other person life hard and by Jesus your doing that already and the child isn't even born et would u wind your neck in and act like a mature parent should !!

Tbh op, I get the feeling that if he was texting you regularly you'd be on here moaning about harassment and wanting to be left in peace.
He can't win can he?

Hi Cheshire,

I'm in a kind of similiar situation (you responded on my post before so I came to see how you were doing).

I too would be pissed off had my ex suggest my baby wasn't his. Although with me I've done everything in my power to have him want to be around for my child's sake (I found it hard to come to terms with him breaking up with me because I was pregnant but didn't want him making any big decisions on not wanting to know his child).
My ex shows no interest at all despite after nearly 4 months of knowing I'm pregnant he will 'be around when he can'. I know for him it won't register that he has a child til the baby is born and I think it's the case for a lot of men especially if they're not in a relationship with the mother of their child.

I agree if he wants a paternity test then he should pay for it (if my ex said the same I would tell him he could pay for it, or I'd pay on the grounds he would reimburse me when the test comes back saying he's the father but then I wouldn't always rely on him giving any money back).

It is a shitty situation to be in. I was with my ex for a number of years so id do anything to have him around but ultimately I don't want him being a stranger to my child even though he's gave me plenty of reasons to think it would be better that way. I'm all for second chances but

Pressed post too early sorry!!

I was supposed to say, but I think perhaps it may be worth considering what he's like when the baby is born before making any decisions on whether you want him around or not?

ultimately it's up to you really, speaking from my situation at the minute I think I'm just hoping my ex does want to know when he's born. (He's said he does its just hard to bond right now).

I know how hard it is to be pissed off, stressed and hormonal all at once it's easy to want to get back at him but I'd say kill him with kindness and just be civil about everything, the last thing you want is him using anything against you!

Good luck, I hope all goes well!

I am in agreemwnt that OP should reconsider. I think maybe you are a bit hurt and pissed off OP to be going through this alone evrn if it is through choice, it isn't easy.

Don't shut him out.

But the bc is not as simple as people think. 1) as an unmarried parent, you cannot put him on bc unless he comes to registry with you.
2) parental responsibility is largely a nonsense. Other than the financial responsibility the rest of it is rights with no need to take responsibility at all. E.g. i cannot make my ex see his kids, or look after his kids, or help with their homework, take them to hisputall appt etc. But he has the right to refuse consent to mefical procedures, to object to the school I choose, to prevent me from taking the kids abroad on holiday without his permission etc. That might sound all me, me but these things can potentially have major effects on the kids. PR gives absentee parents rights without making them take any responsibility. Most of the time this is not an issue but if e.g. they dusappear then the RP has to go to court to get full residency in order to travel abroad or if the NRP is controlling over school, doctors etc. They can make family life very difficult.

So, I say yy to access to be involved as an option and also to taking financial responsibility however small. But PR is a big deal.

I don't think the people posting nasty replies have ever been in the op's situation.

OP, my advice is to only take advice from other mothers who have had to put up with shitty exes.

With respect Athena, nothing the OP has said here implies that he actually is a shitty ex.

^ shitty exes? What about the ex is shitty? The fact he's asked for a paternity test?

From the info given here Op is the shitty ex.

your child will one day question why you didnt allow their dad to be on their birth certificate.
your reason? to be able to sever ties more easily?
yes, you sound like you DEFINITELY have your childs best interests at heart... this isnt about you and your spite and whats best for YOU at all.
id be devastated if my dad wasnt on mine, especially if the reason was so my mum could sever ties and stop his parental rights more easily.
i am in shock that people as petty, childish, cruel, spiteful and clearly deluded as you exist.
the scariest part is that you dont seem to understand why people dont agree with you. you think you are in the right and that is frightening. i hope someone in real life sets the record straight for you.

You're right athena I haven't been exactly in ops situation. My ex was a deliberate cunt, rather than like hers, who appears just a bit nervous and a bit immature.
Glad you agree with her following advice to get over herself and put the baby first from people like me who have had shitty exes.
Although I don't think having had a shitty ex is a prerequisite to knowing you always put your childs needs first, everyone should know that.