How would you feel if your ex asked for paternity test?

[Cheshirehello79]

A bit of an awkward one but was in short term relationship which I didn't feel there was any future in it and decided to end it. Ex didn't take it very well but 3 days after ending it I found out that I was pregnant so had to get in touch and tell him not that I wanted him back - just courtesy.

Initially we thought maybe give it another go but deep inside my heart I knew I didn't love him and the spark was gone so when I told him and that I was going to keep the baby he kind of offered support in terms of company but nothing else ie he made it clear that he didn't earn enough and didn't think he could support a child. Well that wasn't a big issue as I've got decent paid job and my decision to keep the pregnancy was taking into account I can look after the baby alone.

I never heard much from him in terms of how I was doing with pregnancy and I didn't feel obliged to invite him to any scans but have sent him all scan images, well I did kind of for 12 weeks scan but I then texted him to cancel him. Well it felt awkward we've not spoken for over 3 months and I didn't think he cared much really as had spotting at 8 weeks and when I told him his response was hope you two are ok.

Anyways been on 20 week scan and so far so good but thought I should send him a message to find out if he wants any involvement with the child and if he was going to offer any support prior birth and after and invited him to hospital when due but offer wasn't extended to be birth partner but happy for him to be in waiting room.

Now here is the fun bit.... His reply was thanks for the invite but I won't be there for the birth of the child as don't feel wanted and in regards to support happy to do so but before anything I would like a paternity test to confirm that the child is mine. He also added that I'm in no doubt it is but would like paternity test.

Now this "idiot" know it's his child and we met up a couple of times after finding out I'm expecting and not once did he question paternity - well calculated when did I likely conceive and we were away that weekend ( valentines ) so not sure what he's playing at.

Not that I need his money I just see it as principal that all fathers should support their kids. After his comment I feel like cutting him off completely ( we don't / well I don't really need him) but I don't think it's fair for the baby. I grew up in a loving family and I wanted the baby to do the same even if we weren't an item. His silence in not even texting to find out how I'm doing or do you need anything speaks volume.

If you were in same position as I am - what would you do?

I didn't say I'm in the right or wrong hence asked for people's opinion as so far I've just got my own views.

P.s enough of nasty comments !

I wish this man luck if he going to be involved in this childs life he is going to have a rough few years ahead of him.

Maryz I didn't kick my ex in the kerb. I didn't see future in U.S. Was unfair to continue with the relationship hence ended it. Can I just say I found out I was pregnant 3 days after ending the relationship. It wasn't going to be fair on either myself the baby or him just being together for the sake of the baby - is that what you're saying I should have just tried to make it work for someone you don't love?

I might sound childish but I'm not and thinking this through very carefully. As I said he's still holding the grudge as to why I left him so to trying to get me back whichever way he can!

Thank you maryz. Hopefully she'll never know all the details and so far hasn't asked anything but a few straight forward questions. I think of him now as a good choice of sperm donor who walked away from the best thing on earth. His loss.
I'm just irate that with all I was willing to forgive to allow dd a chance with her birth father, op is playing silly games over her ex.

He's not trying to get back at you. He's being sensible. If he's going to be involved in a child's life for the rest of his and the child's life, he deserves to know if it's definitely his.

Point taken Grays

I don't think asking for a paternity test is 'getting back at you' more covering his own arse if anything.

OP take a step back and look at this from a different point of view. Imagine your ex is your son and after a very brief relationship he finds out he's going to be a dad. The mother of the child keeps blowing and hot and cold, one minute he's dumped the next they are trying again. He's invited to a scan and then he's not. Having his 'parental rights' dangled above him constantly like it's some kind of game.

Would you not advise him to have a DNA test before he got emotionally or financially involved? I bloody well would. I know far to many men who have been led to believe they are the father of a child and then been devastated to find out years down the line that it isn't true. I've known kids whole world has shattered around them upon finding out that the man they have looked up to and adored is no more their father than you or I. It really isn't an unreasonable request.

He could very well be hurting op, staying distant to try and heal a bit.

Firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy.
Second, I don't think he's being U asking for a test. It wasn't a planned baby and he's probably still coming to terms with the news and feels out of control and uncertain. He may step up when he holds his child. I'd have the test.

Well ya know what YOU SHOULD HAVE WORN PROTECTION!!! and you wouldn't be in this situation and using your child as a weapon. ! And grudge holding darling I think your the expert at that as so far you have portrayed yourself as full of hatred towards him. Just grow up and act as you should be !

Used not worn!

Mummy thanks for your comment you've said enough now - thanks and indeed I was on the pill sometimes things in life just happen so just looking on best way forward .

May I just add I think if you sat down thought about the things you are saying in terms of how would you feel if your mother had acted like u when u were born do you think you'd be happy ?.

Op I think u have issues you need to work through and u aren't going to listen to anyone on here. But u need to acknowledge how your ex must feel as week he is human and has feelings and his head must be fucked with mixed signals ie: uhe can come to 12 week scan and then u cancel
You don't need his support but then ask him if he's going to provide any and u send him update please put yourself in others shoes

And it anger me as my mother played games and restricted access and it made my life hard not her, I'm speaking from being the child in this situation. You aren't doing yourself or your baby any favours. Although my father is on birth certificate it just became awkward she would play games restrict access and it wasn't nice

I'm trying to mummy hence tried to sort of involve him and then I back off as he doesn't show any interest . I've read each comment on my post and thank you all

There really isn't anything for him to show interest in. There is no baby yet, and you're pushing him away and acting like a brat.
You created this situation. Now woman up, stop playing silly games and deal with it like a grown up.

How am I pushing him away whilst we're not even talking ?

You invited him to the scan and then text to 'cancel him' .. ofc he feels unwanted and pushed away!

It's very easy to advise what someone else should do when you're not emotionally involved yourself IME.
OP I'd go for the paternity test, I plan to. I won't insist on which one he uses though that's up to him, but it was his idea and I do intend to remind him of that should he forget as I'd hate him to have any lurking doubts. In answer to your OP, it made me think he was a bit of a vindictive twat, but happily that was no surprise and is one of the many reasons why he is my ex!
Despite that I'll do my damnedest to ensure my baby has a good impression of his father and hopefully a good relationship too, cos you know, that's what you have to do! Learn to pick your battles now and if you have a 'safe' person to let off steam to that helps too. Good luck, its a stressful situation to be in I know

I think you need to understand for many men even in a relationship it isn't real till baby arrives..He may well not have any idea what he can do..

I think he is actually sensible for asking for a paternity test...It may well hurt your feelings if you are 100% that he is the dad however from his point there have been lots of mixed messages. you go away on a break ( then dump him...Which you are obviously entitled to do) then he wants to try again ( which again you are free to decline ) then in 4 months he has to get over his hurt try and get around the baby..He is invited to scan then not...These things do raise questions for him in who you are.

As for the baby.... the baby does have a right to a relationship with both parents. I can't comment on whether he will be interested in or not when the baby is born but neither will you.

You have to give him a chance.. I have an exh who doesn't see his ds now.. I can look my ds in the face and let him know I tried to get his dad to be a parent to him. I have read nothing that suggests he would be a danger to this child...This isn't about your relationship with Ex anymore..He doesn't have to support you either financially or emotionally through pregnancy it is about how he treats your child.

Honestly you have a long way to go through this pregnancy .. focus on what you do have , support from those you are connecting with emotionally.

Keep an open mind for what happens when your LO is born.

Moon lah what's worse - inviting him to a scan not spoken over 2 months - I don't have anything else to speak to him- he s not really been interested in what's happening with pregnancy - so go for a scan sit the in waiting room like .... Then go in the room with such unpleasant atmosphere- sorry but I'd rather not be stressing out what I'm going to be saying to him whilst waiting to go for scan it's stressful what I'm going through without any catalyst