First Time Dad

[DC905210]

Hi everyone, sorry to invade Mumsnet, I can not find anything of much use on the Dad's side of things.

My wife is 4-5 weeks pregnant, and she does not want me to tell anyone until the first midwife appointment I understand the reasons for that (lots of people to tell if something goes wrong etc) but there are two elements of it I am uncomfortable with / frustrated at.

Firstly I work for a very small company where you can just tell if something is on someone's mind there is a calendar month today before the appointment. Is it normal to sit in an office with two other people (who incidentally I 100% trust to keep it to themselves) for a month pretending nothing is happening?

Paired with this the company is very flexible and such as the first midwifes appointment they would almost certainly let me work for home and fit around it but instead I will have to take a day off (which I assume for a new Dad could come in handy later on) to pretend I am doing something else. For what?

Secondly, she does not want to tell any family.

Between us we don't have Dad, they have both passed away and we do not speak to her Mum. My Brother has a two y/o little girl and a little boy due in November and I have a lot of stuff to ask him, my Mum as well will be our overriding principle support in everything we need help with, it is reasonable that I should accept not telling them for another month? They too are 100% guaranteed to not tell a sole.

It is not like (god forbid) if something did go wrong we would not bother telling them, the point is just lost on me.

Please don't take this as a moan of like "poor men" or anything but we don't have the support that woman have. I have read frightening sounding things about labour for example and I am anxious about it. I don't want to start adding to the pile of worries that my wife has about it but I am just expected to live with it for a month.

OP has your wife said that she wants you there for every appointment? I think you should give her some space and stay away, apart from the scan or if there is bad news.

Ask her to let you know if she wants you there and you'll do your best but unless she says so, you'll stay away. She will have to make a birth plan with her midwife and that also has to be entirely her choice, without any input from you, unless she asks your opinion.

Also, I'm a bit concerned about how you view your mum's expected involvement. Again, be guided by your wife. She might not want your mum around much, however well meaning it is. You sound like you feel obligated to your mum for financial reasons.

Not saying this is a problem, just warning you that it might become one. You have to really listen to your wife and not try to argue against how she says she feels with logic and practicality.

HappyIdiot,

I am getting to the point where I can not help but bombard you with loads of detail that will probably bore you. I will try though.

1. My holiday can role over to the following year so the more time I "work from home" which will allow me to duck out to appointments the better because I can keep those days for the baby.

2. I have known for people to have severe morning sickness which required comfort and support I would be able to do that if I worked from home.

3. I am not going to buy baby stuff yet, I want to start putting money away though, my Mum won't begrudge it or anything, it was always the plan that we pay less back when we have a baby, the money we pay her now though goes back into a fund that it locks into, once it is in you can't get it back. I will have made two more £2k payments prior to the 12 week scan.

FWIW I told my brother at 10wks, as did my DP (tell his own brother). We both wanted to a) tell someone the exciting news and b) have someone other than each other to talk to should something go wrong. We told rest of family after 12 weeks but didn't tell anyone else, work included, until the 20wk scan. Everyone is different but IME with my own pregnancy and friends pregnancies this is pretty normal.

I understand the Dad can feel sidelined during pregnancy and can feel like a spectator until the baby is actually here but carrying a baby is stressful so just follow her lead.

Oh and DP came to first midwife appt. It was nice to go together so don't be put off going with her by other posters. As long as she's happy for you to join her

Fairenuff

1. OP has your wife said that she wants you there for every appointment? I think you should give her some space and stay away, apart from the scan or if there is bad news:

Yes she has, and she wants me to try an limit the time I spend working away from home, you my have not picked this up earlier but her family live miles away, her Mum is AWOL and Dad dead.

2. Ask her to let you know if she wants you there and you'll do your best but unless she says so, you'll stay away. She will have to make a birth plan with her midwife and that also has to be entirely her choice, without any input from you, unless she asks your opinion.

See above.

3. Also, I'm a bit concerned about how you view your mum's expected involvement. Again, be guided by your wife. She might not want your mum around much, however well meaning it is. You sound like you feel obligated to your mum for financial reasons.

My wife wants to return to work fairly quickly (that is NOTHING to do with me and I have said we will be fine if she stops work) and wants my Mum to look after the baby on Thursdays and Fridays like she does my brothers little girl. We owe my Mum money but there is no issue with it, I just want to stop paying her so much.

Purplemunkey,

She does want me to go yes so I said I would.

I don't know how relevant this is as well but my wife does work full time, me working from home doesn't mean I am sat winding her up and mithering her in means I am not doing things like staying over in London etc :-)

ah, I get you. fair enough on all points, although I would still say you don't need to go to all appointments, only scans and big ones, unless your wife specifically asks you to.

morning sickness - you'll just have to play it by ear, but don't assume you'll need to take time off/work from home. most women just muddle along and plenty of us are lucky enough not to be affected at all (I felt fine the whole way through).

about the payments, you should discuss it with your wife. I can see why you would want to reduce the amount and why telling your mum early might be a good idea. maybe the compromise would be to make one of the payments and then maybe tell her a bit early? but if your wife is still dead against it, you'll just have to let it go.

but also, remember that babies can be expensive but you don't need to go mad buying things. I have been given tonnes of stuff from loads of different people, some of it totally brand new.

As a previous poster said, an early reassurance scan could be a good compromise? And if that's all ok she might feel more comfortable telling people?
Not trying to put you off the booking appointment it's just a lot of first time parents think it's going to be exciting so just making you aware it is form filling.

also, the appointments thing is a bit of a red herring as most of them are going to be after 12 weeks and you will have told people by then.

its only really the booking in and the 12 week scan that we are talking about. as you've said that your wife has asked that you go to the booking in, you'll just have to take a day's AL or work from home. same for the scan.

and be prepared that you may be asked to leave for part of the booking in, while the midwife checks that your wife is not under any "undue pressure".

I do sympathise with you to an extent OP, as I was a bit like this when I got pregnant: OMG I HAVE TO SOLVE ALL THE PROBLEMS RIGHT NOW. I am a planner, organiser, thinker, and do-er, and it was been extremely hard for me to accept in the first trimester that actually, the only thing that could be donewas to wait it out.

But actually one unexpected side effect of pregnancy for me has been that I have been generally a bit more laid back. There will still be plenty of time for you to get the support you need, and plan all this, and if you sound a little over-anxious to do the right thing, that's certainly a million times better than the alternative. Chill, says the pregnant woman.

OP, why don't you ask your wife if you could confide in your brother on the condition that he tells no one? Good communication about how you are going to handle shared parenting stuff is a good habit to get into. She may want to keep it secret so she doesn't have to tell people if it goes wrong, but it's worth asking if you need to talk to someone. If she says no you can just leave it.

There's really no rush with talking to your mum - the expense is massively overstated. Baby won't actually cost you very much until you start paying for childcare. We splashed out on a posh travel system, and we've still only spent about £600. And both sets of parents have asked if they can buy us a pram since we got it anyways!! I made an amazon wishlist and within two weeks friends and family have bought us half of it! And friends have already given me all the things I had worried about needing as hand me downs. Your two extra loan payments are really fine. You will probably get that money back in the form of baby gifts from your mum!
And your wife may not even suffer from morning sickness - I didn't. Life will mostly just go on as normal for a long time yet. It's super frustrating when you are excited and want to plan everything, but it's absolutely normal to keep it secret at the very beginning and no one will be offended. Some people actually think it's strange to tell people too soon!

Abbey, like I am trying to say I am not in a mad rush to tell "everyone" it really is just key people for key reasons, I bet my wife might be interested in an early scan though, I didn't realise that was a thing.

I don't want you thinking we are all under stress etc either, we are both very chilled at the minute, and happy, we went out and got a pregnancy log book thing today which was nice.

Happidiot,I see what you are saying, I do think not working miles / hours away is significant though either way, we have pets she is advised not to clean out etc, little things but stuff I do when I am there. If work new, when they planned work load looking ahead they would intentionally keep me close to home etc. your other halves may have been overbearing, I dont know, I assume you liked / like them there at night though?

Hedgehog,

That is ultimately what I was trying to ask, how to ask my wife who has said "12 weeks" if I can ask people like my brother quicker.

I have not asked her so she doesn't feel pressure, I wondered what other people would do. :-) I still think people are not getting the "working from home" thing though, the difference is not working in my front room or in the office. It is home in the evening / staying in a hotel.

The process at work would be me advising the MD and Finance Director (the former being a mother of three herself) that we had a positive test and me saying can they bear that in mind when planning workload and them as a result sending Mark, Iain and David on all the long distance stuff for a bit, it really is nothing more sinister than that.

One of the big jobs they are thinking of sending me and Iain on now is three days a week with the client in London and it is expected to last over a year (two nights staying away).

What do you guys think in that instance say something now to avoid the assignment or get lumbered right up to the birth and beyond?

The travelling is potentially issue. OK, I am going to sound a bit hardcore here, but I present this as food for thought just in case it reassures you a bit. I do not live with my partner at this point in my pregnancy, largely because he travels so much.

Apart from the few weeks when we were anxiously awaiting news that we weren't going to have to have a TFMR, when he managed to stay with me for half of each week, we have seen each other 1-2 times per each of the five months I've been pregnant.

Some of that has been very tough, and I have missed him a great deal. On the other hand, there have been unexpected benefits in the first trimester, when I was at my sickest and tiredest (and I certainly didn't have it as badly as some).

I didn't have to contemplate cleaning or doing anything domestic (note: you should be doing all of the domestic stuff at this point if she's not feeling up to it, or at least way more than your usual 50:50. If you don't split it 50:50 already, start thinking hard about how you will cope when a baby arrives) but neither did I have anyone else making a mess. I didn't have anyone to help with cooking (can be extremely difficult with nausea) but neither did I have to consider anyone else's taste, and if all I could cope with was toast, fine; if I realised after cooking dinner that I couldn't eat any of it, fine. If I wanted to go to bed at 7pm (which I very often did) and sleep till 7am, it bothered nobody.

So it can be liberating being on your own. My point is, you just have to work with your circumstances.

Er... I never said you were in a mad rush to tell everyone. Some women prefer to wait until the scan to tell anyone at all. As I've said before I waited until 20 scan this time due to a scary 20 week scan with my 1st. Neither is right or wrong, everyone differs in how they feel about announcing... even to close family.
Yes it is an option but you'll have to pay privately and there are pluses and minuses - if you scan too early and they can't find a heartbeat it could cause worry. Other posters will be more knowledgeable than I though and I'm sure there's other threads on it.

I would just tell her that you are feeling overwhelmed and want to confide in your brother in strictest confidence and ask if that would be okay. If she says no you'll have to just live with it, but this is what we did second time around - each chose a person we could confide in without it being public knowledge. I think other people also made a good point about considering a private reassurance scan at 8 or 9 weeks if she'd be okay with announcing it after that if it's all good. If a heartbeat is seen at 9 weeks it's really extremely unlikely to go wrong, and it might make you feel a bit more involved, too. :)

But telling "key people for key reasons" is not the way to go: you're looking at telling YOUR key people for YOUR key reasons, not hers. And that can't happen unless she's happy with it. This isn't about you.

OP, could you tell your MD that you are currently trying for a baby and worry that you may not be able to commit as fully to the contract with all the travel as the others? Ideally in confidence? I suspect she'll know that this is code for "we're pregnant but it's too early to announce", and adjust things accordingly.

Unless you are planning to be scheduled to be working near to home for ever more, it may be something that you are both just going to have to get used to though. My dh works from an office in our house for usually 6 out of every 10 working days. For the other 4 (usually as a block of 4 days, sometimes 2x2) he is abroad at the head office.

Of course I would rather he was at home, as would he. But it's just not possible. When I was pregnant there were times when I really wished he wasn't going away, and would get quite emotional about it. But there were also other times when it was lovely to be on my own and have the whole bed to myself. What I'm trying to say is, its not the end of the world if you're away. And presumably it's not going to change once the baby is here and you have to go away and leave her to do all the night feeds.

If your work gives you 4 week planning rota, that means you and your wife also have 4 weeks to work out when you'll be away and how you'll get round any problems. Honestly, try not to worry about it.

Pancake,

Telling the few people that can decide my location of work, is the main one and that is not for me, that is for her, I already do well over 50/50 seriously. It is about 80 / 20. We don't deliberately do that I just do stuff when she is thinking about it, it is how we are.

If I get allocated jobs away from home over the next month plus, that is a situation we have put ourselves in and it is a concern to me because I am not sure my wife would cope well without me. And for what? They are based miles away, they don't know any of our friends. Or family, they have never spoken to my wife. She would have no explaining to do if anything went wrong. The thought process is only "jinxing" and that is the bit I can't reconcile, we have nothing to lose and a lot to gain IMO.

OP, I mean this nicely but your wife is pregnant she's not ill. She may not have morning sickness, it may not be that bad. My DH occasionally has to go to work overnight, I survived. Yes I would have liked him there but that had nothing to do with me being pregnant. Really, I just carried on as normal. As for the working from home, apart from the booking in and the scans not much happens at the appointments. They take blood and test your wee, only when you get further on do they start listening to the hb. When she's 35 weeks and you're starting to think about labour it's fair enough not to be far away, but really life goes on as normal otherwise. I was still working night shifts at 35 weeks. Obviously some women do struggle but not everyone.

For now all you need to do is self refer to the midwife or go through your GP, whichever way it works in your area. Oh and the GP won't confirm the pregnancy with a test so don't expect that, they take your word for it.

Happyidiot, I have not explained the "rota" that well it takes into account the start of new jobs only, currently me and three others are in the minimal geographical restriction box because we don't have kids or other issues. I will get all the local stuff or stuff that allows working from home when I tell them. They wont pull you off a job when you start it though and some last a year plus.

OhEmGee,

I am sure she would prefer me not working away, as soon as I tell them they will immediately not allocate me any more work away.

I do think you're overthinking this. It's eight weeks until the dating scan and you can tell. Even if you were to be put on a long contract if need be you could be swapped out. Please don't say this would be impossible, it wouldn't be.
Your wife copes when you work away at the moment. She will probably cope until the dating scan. ive had two pregnancies and felt very different in both - crushing morning sickness isn't a given.
By the way regardless of rollover arrangements you must take a certain amount of AL in a year anyway or your employer is breaking the law so it's not as though you can save it all up for next year.
Just calm down a little.