First Time Dad

[DC905210]

Hi everyone, sorry to invade Mumsnet, I can not find anything of much use on the Dad's side of things.

My wife is 4-5 weeks pregnant, and she does not want me to tell anyone until the first midwife appointment I understand the reasons for that (lots of people to tell if something goes wrong etc) but there are two elements of it I am uncomfortable with / frustrated at.

Firstly I work for a very small company where you can just tell if something is on someone's mind there is a calendar month today before the appointment. Is it normal to sit in an office with two other people (who incidentally I 100% trust to keep it to themselves) for a month pretending nothing is happening?

Paired with this the company is very flexible and such as the first midwifes appointment they would almost certainly let me work for home and fit around it but instead I will have to take a day off (which I assume for a new Dad could come in handy later on) to pretend I am doing something else. For what?

Secondly, she does not want to tell any family.

Between us we don't have Dad, they have both passed away and we do not speak to her Mum. My Brother has a two y/o little girl and a little boy due in November and I have a lot of stuff to ask him, my Mum as well will be our overriding principle support in everything we need help with, it is reasonable that I should accept not telling them for another month? They too are 100% guaranteed to not tell a sole.

It is not like (god forbid) if something did go wrong we would not bother telling them, the point is just lost on me.

Please don't take this as a moan of like "poor men" or anything but we don't have the support that woman have. I have read frightening sounding things about labour for example and I am anxious about it. I don't want to start adding to the pile of worries that my wife has about it but I am just expected to live with it for a month.

oops Im 40 weeks pregnant today not 4!!

You won't need to work from home as much as you think. The first appointment is only form filling, there is no need for you to be there (just write down any medical history).

My husband came to both scans and one midwife appointment as he was already on leave and that was enough, nothing groundbreaking happened in any of the midwife appointments.

I would respect her choice not to tell anyone and enjoy having your own little secret.

I found pregnancy shit. I was hormonal and feeling poorly as fuck. I'd be well pissed off if my husband used his job as an excuse to want to tell people. I think for the whole 40 weeks my husband just agreed with anything I said and kept offering chocolate (and tissues for whatever advert had made me cry).

I am not pressuring her in any way, I am avoiding even saying I have an opinion that differs to hers in any way, hence asking others on her.

Yes, but you're not listening. Everyone is telling you it's her call and to stop going on about it not being logical. And you're ignoring that advice completely.

Firstly, congrat.

Secondly, get a grip. You've no need to go to the booking appointment. It's not about you at all, it's about your wife. Yes, it's nice to go to the scans - but you've got a couple of months to worry about that yet. Unless your wife is hg, there's no need for you to wfh because of her morning sickness. You may have lots of questions and feel obliged to inform those who may be supporting you in eight months time but that's the point here - you've got another 8 MONTHS. It's a lomg bloody time. I'm 23 weeks in and bored out of my brains most of the time. Telling people and asling questions now will not stop you worrying for the next 35 weeks. Believe me.

Can you explain to us why you can't just say you have a medical appointment? Like someone said, you technically do!

I think you just need to chill out a bit really.

Pregnancy is different for everyone, and this is your first lesson in finding out that no matter how supportive you feel you are being, this is her body and you need to understand that your role as the partner of a pregnant woman is to support her in the ways SHE finds useful, not in the ways YOU find useful.

I can see it from both sides. It is tough for both of you at this point and you need to lean on each other. But physically she's going to be doing much more of the leaning, and there is a long long way to go yet.

I am a not-teller. In fact I'm pushing 20 weeks and I still haven't told most people, I didn't tell my family till 14 weeks, nor work till 16 weeks. I am really glad I didn't! This is because at my 12 week scan we ended up being high risk for various abnormalities, and the following 3-4 weeks were very very hard: I needed to hibernate and deal with things on my own in my own way, and the emotional pressure of knowing my family and friends knew too at that stage would have been an extremely heavy extra burden.

Other women in my situation would have felt they needed the support of others; I needed it just to be between me and my partner, and I was very grateful that it was that way until we got the all clear at 14 weeks.

My partner did tell his boss, in extreme confidence, and this was very helpful logistically. BUT I know his boss and trusted that it would be dealt with confidentially and sensitively. I would have been very uncomfortable with his co-workers knowing.

Look i get that you are excited but when it comes to sharing the news re pregnancy it is your wife who calls the shots, because she is the one that is pregnant, it her medical information to share or not ad she wishes.

You day she is worried about jinxng it and that may seem irrational to you, but if God forbid something goes wrong then she will analyse every little thing she did, sadly it's what we do. I have done it myself and yes even irrational thoughts like having jinxed it will play on her mind, been there got the t shirt.

Re the booking in a, all that is is a form filling exercise, and maybe raking bloods. You don't need to be there for that, going to scans yep and maybe appointments later when discussing birth options or any issues that can be helpful but booking on app and most regular midwife appointments you don't need to be there at all unless your wife wants you there for some reason.

Legally you don't have to tell your workplace until a certain date, 20? Wks so you can give them notice for paternity leave, check that date ad I don't remember exactly when it is.

And you say you can be sure they won't mention it but sorry human nature is that people will talk, your boss may tell his wife eyc and word can spread easily in this way it's perfectly reasonable for your wife to not want to share the news at this stage.

Re: leave, if all goes well you need an hour out of your day for the 12 week scan and an hour for the 20 week scan. There isn't much to worry about there - I do understand your desire to save AL, but have a sense of proportion.

Isn't saving annual leave for when baby arrives a moot point as we're currently in 2015 and your baby will be born in 2016 which is a different year and a different set of leave?

You don't actually seem to be listening to anyone OP. I think your wife's feelings/hormones etc trump your work colleagues need to know about the pregnancy at this stage. I really can't see why you need to take a days annual leave for the first midwife appt. It really is just a form filling exercise. They won't check the baby/listen for a heartbeat or anything like that.
Also, this post started off about you wanting support and has now become about you not wanting to inconvenience work. As a PP said, it's very 'you you you'.
Are you listening to what all these women who are, or who have been pregnant are telling you?

OP everyone is different, some people would love to tell all straight away and some prefer to keep it private until they are ready. I understand that.

What you really need to understand though is that it's your wife who's pregnant, and somethings is happening to her body, not yours – and that means she gets to decide on pregnancy-related matters. I know that can mean you may feel edged out, but you have to be a bit less self-centred and think "what does she need". That is the role of a supportive DH through pregnancy.

Obviously not beyond what's reasonable, I'm not saying you have to agree if she tells you to stop going to work and rub her feet all day. You can discuss things. But when to tell, how to manage her pregnancy and most importantly of all, decisions about the birth and breastfeeding are her decisions. Please understand that and try to make listening to her a priority now.

Just to help you, let's imagine you had a growth in your testicle that's getting bigger and bigger and eventually you're going to need time off work for an operation. Who gets to decide when you tell your friends, family and colleagues? That's right, you.

OP, it's not normal to tell work before 12 weeks. Most people don't . And you don't need to attend midwife appointments - there's no point, and fathers don't usually. So you have to use some annual leave to attend the 12 week scan, big deal. I used annual leave myself. All the stuff you'll need time off for comes much later, all the scans and antenatal classes and stuff.

I think people are being a little harsh here - I think it's perfectly normal for dads not to understand how their partner feels.

OP I think the key here is that you're looking for a rational explanation but their is not much rational thinking going in in the mind if many pregnant women. It is a confusing and largely hormone driven time where you worry yourself sick about all kinds of things. It just isn't rational.

In terms of midwife appointments, as others have said, you don't really need to go unless your wife wants you there for support. They are pretty boring appointments really. My husband has come to the scans and an appointment with the consultant - he would have been quite redundant at any of the others, poor bloke.

Regarding telling people, it's really tricky and probably best to avoid making it a battle of wills. If you can find a compromise that would be for the best - perhaps an early reassurance scan then tell people?

Personally, I felt that I wanted to tell everyone immediately and was happy for my husband to do the same. But it was a mutual decision. I sort of feel that if one doesn't want to say then it's probably got to stay that way - it's hard to only tell a couple of people and not others.

Just read the bit about working from home for morning sickness. Why? What could you do?

Gillian1980,

Thank you for a little bit of support, I am quite frankly shocked at the level of hostility encountered.

I have tried to explain I was asking it here (the forum) because I DON'T want to put pressure on her, I have not even mentioned work to her at all, I am just trying to explain it to a few people who might have come across it in the past.

I have been told annual leave is a moot point, despite the fact I have a roll over clause, I have said I am anxious about a few things so would like to talk to my brother who is a new father. And I have been told to get a grip.

I had read on one of the new father websites I found that it is good to go to the first appointment, and other places have said my wife might want me to go. I have abandoned that even as a concept due to the level of vitriol expressed her.

We are going to tell people when she wants, I think that is right, I will never ask a question on here again though, a lot of nice answers and balanced points but some of you are frankly horrible.

You are right though Gillian, there will be no battle of wills, just what my wife wants. :-)

Dunno Grotbag,

I don't fully understand morning sickness yet, I just assumed if someone is is sick they might prefer someone being around, my brothers' wife was house bound for days on end with it.

i will just shut up trying so you have time to troll and pick apart another useless man. if I were you though, I would genuinely feel a bit ashamed. You have you barracked someone who does actually really care off your forum, well done.

I'll repeat - get a grip. In your OP, all you did was state what YOU wanted, what suited YOUR working pattern, what YOU had worries about and what YOU found uncomfortable/ were frustrated by. I'm sorry that you didn't hear what you wanted to hear. smh.

What an oddball.

Perfectly normal not to tell a soul until well after 12 weeks.

Respect her wishes.

Stinkersmum,

I fail to understand when I have said it is going to be whatever my wife wants and have not even mentioned any of the concepts within this discussion to her to absolutely remove all pressure, how ANY of that is demonstration of me losing my grip.

I have done nothing wrong, imagine your DS (or whatever acronym you favour) becoming a Dad for the first time wanting a bit of advice, not able to tell you because his wife doesn't want him to tell his mum yet and he gets told "get a grip".

If you're absolutely not going to mention this to your wife OP, what did you want from this thread?

You're 4 weeks in. Seriously, you've got months to get advice yet - you baby is not due until January 2016. We told family when I wanted to. If I have a son, I hope he doesn't complain about what his wife wants when she finds out she's pregnant.

I'm going in a slightly different direction - Yes I think it's perfectly normal not to tell anyone before 12 weeks, but I'm slightly concerned that you feel you can't even express a different opinion to your wife (depending of course on how you do it)! Parenting as a couple is a team event, in fact one of the nice things about having a baby with two of you is that it feels like a shared project and that you are working together on something you both care more than anything about. There are going to be lots of differing opinions in the future about infinite numbers of things - your wife doesn't get the final say on everything, or at least I hope not - pregnancy is much more about her but the baby isn't. Ultimately, yes I am still in the camp that feels your wife gets the casting vote on when to tell people, but I don't see the problem in you saying 'I'm happy not to tell because I know it is important to you, but I am really really struggling not saying anything at work. If you ever feel it woudl be OK for me to tell my boss, I'd really like to know as it would help me a lot.'

Don't forget that you could go to see your own GP.

I would imagine that, having been pregnant and understanding the challenges both physical and emotional that this brings, stinkersmum like the rest of us would completely understand where our daughter in law was coming from! What could you possibly need to know right now that you can't learn from reading a book etc? Your wife is only just pregnant, ypu have 8 months to get to grips with it and learn all you need to know- give her the time and space to get her head around what's happening, make sure it is actually happening and you don't face the devastation of a miscarriage and like everyone else has said REMEMBER IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU!!! I'm so glad to hear you aren't saying to your wife what you are moaning about here or I imagine she would feel terribly pressured

Please tell us what advice you want from your mum and maybe we can help.

My advice to you is do what your wife wants. Respect her wishes and remember it will be your baby but it is her pregnancy. She'll be the one feeling sick, hormonal and everything else.