The funny thing about pregnancy is....

[ImpatiencePersonified]

Please can we start a lighthearted post about the funny, potentially disgusting things that our bodies are doing just now. Please. It would make me feel less of a freak. Here's my list of shame so far

1 - Fanny snotters - Not to be confused with discharge, I've had proper gelatinous snotters at least 3 times since being preggo. Midwife assures me its all fine, after she stopped laughing.

2 - Turning into Jim Royle off of the Royles. I fart and blench without warning. If I had balls, I'm sure I'd be adjusting them often too

3 - Gluttony... Right now, I want to eat everything and vast quantities. I'm sure I can blame the 10 week old fetus thats inside me, I mean it's like 4cm's so clearly needs to leech enough from me to feed an entire playgroup... sounds legit no?

4 - Concrete tits - I'm SO sure someone is pouring cement into my once lovely bouncy mammories. When I take my bra off... I could punch someone.

5 - 9pm? BEDTIME! Whats up with that? I'm 34 for fucks sake, I should be able to at least catch the 10pm news?

I'm only 10+1 so I know that this is the beginning of a very mortifying ride...

it started with his jizz
never thought it would come to this

I have also been worried about how the cat will cope without a cuddle at night! Crazy cat ladies unite...
My friend who has several cats says hers were fine being in the room with her and the baby, so I'm hoping it'll all just work out. I'm sure if I ask the midwife she'll say "oh just shut the cat out" but not only would the cat be miserable, she'd also rip the carpet up and keep me awake trying to get in. I'm worried about the other cat, too, he's a big ex feral with behavioural issues. I'd been assuming he'd be afraid of the baby, but when a friend was over with her baby he was right up trying to get on laps with her and interfering with changing time...

Oh my this is making me laugh! And mm o shit, a little but weepy due to stupid hormones!
Yes- all of the above! Particularly farting! I had really bad tummy pain at one point and started to get a bit concerned until OH mentioned it was probably wind. He thought he was joking. I bent over and kind of squatted at the same tome (I read somewhere this can help), relaxing at the same time. .. suffice to say my bottom let rip. And it scared the cat! I'm ashamed (proud?) To say OH heard it in the other room! :-)
And yes- concrete tits. I kinda love them and hate them at the same time. A soft towel rubbing up against them at the moment makes me wanna scream!

Ooh yes as for cats- we've got 4 and they are members of my family not just pets! We let one of them sleep on the bed and I'm going to continue letting him do this but keep the baby away. He's a docile little thing anyway and wont jump into any baby inhabited items like moses basket, cot etc. I'm gonna do my best with the fur but I figure with 4 cats it's going to be impossible to be completely anal about it.

What do you mean about the fur Plonkie? Just trying to make sure there isn't any floating around DC?

Same here Siani (we seem to be having the same preggo struggles...weight, cats...!!). I think we're going to see how we get with her sleeping as she does now. Sometimes she sleeps on the sofa so she might even avoid the baby, she seems to be avoiding my bump a lot and would rather snuggle up by my head at the moment whereas we used to spoon (I'm really not a crazy cat lady!). I can't shut her in the kitchen. Tried the other day and she opened the door.

I have well and truly overeaten again today. Every day I endeavour to eat more like my pre-pregnancy self (ie. sensibly) but it goes straight out the window by 10am (morning snack time!).

birchwoods I've also had my cat 6 years, she's 16 years old now. Has also been very pampered, really a baby substitute... We're also having a Snuzpod.

Trouble is, she's slept with just me for 6 years and my DP is only now moving in with us. When he's here there's only just room for all of us in the bed, and the cat's place is on my side away from DP, which is the side the Snuzpod is going on. This either means the cat would go between me and the baby, or that she'd end up in the Snuzpod, neither of which seems like a good idea when you consider that she licks her own bum and stands in her own litter tray and vomits her dinner up and generally stomps around the bed all night getting out for a wee and then trying to get back under the covers again.

We're moving house soon and I think she'll just be banned from our bedroom in the new house, hopefully with a few weeks to get used to this before her actual place in the bed is taken by the baby. Trying to find her a plug-in electric heating pad so she has a nice warm place to sleep in a different room. Hoping I can breastfeed on the sofa with baby in one arm and the cat in the other so she still gets loads of cuddles!

Birchwoods- yes just wanting to try and keep the fur under some kind of control! One of our moggies is long haired so the constant tumbleweeds need controlling if a little ones about. The phrase 'fighting a losing battle' springs to mind!

Tatersail I can confirm that, this current pregnancy is my second and when i was about 6 weeks i had to have a scan because a gynaecologist thought i was 20 weeks pregnant the size of my stomach! The midwife told me the same and as i've gone on through pregnancy i've ended up normal size

Really loving all the responses on this... I FEEL NORMAL(ish) in this crowd!

Tell you what though, what a conundrum my stomach is... I feel sick but I want to eat. It makes no sense.

Oh and I have a very big tired today.

Yawn

This morning I was so proud of myself for doing the world's most perfect poo. No straining, pain or blood, and nice and soft, if rather large (first in a little while). I wanted to call someone else to admire it. And then it blocked the loo and I had to hack it to pieces.

I told DH the whole story. We'll never have sex again, will we?

three I hear you! I pooped THREE TIMES in a 24 hour period this week after mounting a fruit and lactulose based assault on my constipation and was so pleased with myself that I felt I needed some sort of prize!

DH delighted for me, yet somewhat confused by my enthusiasm... I guess that unless you have been pregnancy - constipated you can't appreciate the relief in the same way!

Haha, Glad I found this! 21w and some of my list of shame...

Googling mucous plugs to check mine hasn't come out, and not being grossed out at pictures.

Leaking when I sneeze, but not being remotely bothered as "it's only wee" (having pulled down knickers in living room to check for blood)

Texting hubby from supermarket toilets as "the poo got stuck half way out and I might be a while" - we NEVER discussed toilet stuff before pregnancy. I'd read about pregnancy constipation but didn't think it would be this bad! 6-7 portions of fruit & veg a day but still rip a new bum hole every few days :(

Nipples on fire! And wierd patchy colours around them, knew they got darker but assumed it would be uniform - blobs range from white to dark brown/purple and resemble maps of the world!

Bogies, worse than a toddler of late. big crusty ones in the morning that I can't blow out and have to pick to breathe....Ewww....

Crying in the hospital cafe as their soup wasn't gluten free and I really wanted soup...

Crying on the one occasion hubby and I got a big frisky in first trimester as I didn't want to hurt baby but really-sniff-wanted-sniff-sex... apparently snotty red faced wives aren't a huge turn on...

Crying when the public toilets were closed and I had to squat in a layby, because I thought the embryo would fall out (seriously)

Pretty much crying at everything, everywhere tbh!

I have just snorted my way through reading all the wonderful experiences....

I am only 5 weeks but i swear i am walking faster than before- propelled by gas escaping..at speed, soundless but deadly. Surprised that i do not leave a wake of people keeling over behind me. Even my cats last night gave me 'stinky' faces when i was home alone last night no one to witness the farts means i am free to do as i like .

Gas and constipation Am trying anything, gone off food so forcing veg and fruit but to no avail. Apparently peppermint oil capsules help but too scared to take them as so strong!

shamefully I gave a man on the tube a dirty look today to deflect blame from my own emission in the rush hour.

Ahhhh fond memories if throwing up in Morrisons car park being judged by the ruffian that just got kicked out for shoplifting!
Thinking my waters had broken, but no id just wet my self..
Going to the toilet in the night 3-4 times

I'm 34+5 weeks)

All from my previous pregnancy:

• DP took me away for the weekend for my birthday to a beautiful hotel. During our meal I naturally had to run to the toilets to be sick. The sheer force of the sickness combined with being extremely constipated not only made me wet myself but I had a worrying wide poo hanging out of my bum too. Cue running back to room and calling DP In floods of tears.

• i trapped myself in bed laying on my own hair and couldn't roll over because I was a whale

• I called DP at work in uncontrollable tears. He thought someone must have died by how I was snivelling an blubbering away. He was not impressed to find out the cause of my upset was 'the poor dog on the advert was locked outside and it was SOO sad'

• having to walk to the swimming baths everyday just to loiter outside for five minutes because the smell of chlorine was the most delicious smell in the world

• when my waters exploded broke, instead of panicking/letting family know/checking the hospital bag/ calling the hospital etc, I jumped straight in the shower to 'debush' because you know, priorities.

my tits are growing hair? why?! what the bejeebus is my body trying to prepare me for that I'm gonna need hairy norks for?
Not just one either.... I found three big black hairs today

I've had loads of boob hair for years, I think my boob genes come originally from somewhere very cold. Been growing more during pregnancy, I reckon if I sort of twirl them together over the nipple I could almost knit my own breast pads. Won't they get up the baby's nose?

BTW never ever pluck them. Nobody needs ingrowing hairs on their boobs.

Awwww man, I plucked them last night.

I like the idea of knitting the hairs though, maybe I could grow a rasta nork?

I dunno if ingrowing boob hair, boob stubble or boob dredlocks are sexier, what you reckon? All with big flakes of yellow colostrum stuck to them each morning. And did I mention how horny I've been feeling? Mmmm, come here DP...!

Something smells like it died in my arse :(

Oh my AuniteDee Ah well, enjoy it... I quite like savouring my own farts sometimes. Other times I want to run away.

This morning I pissed myself while I sneezed and had a nose bleed all at the same time.

It's been a busy morning.

Alternating violent diarrhoea and consti-fucking-pation. Can't remember the last time I had a 'normal' dump. And I love a good poo!

It's been a busy morning.

Skeppers I feel your pain! It's like playing Russian roulette every time you go to the loo... which way will it be?!?

Am off to buy oat bran and make some muffins today - I think you can tell what struck yesterday

Four weeks pregnant and for the past two weeks I've been farting so horrendously that:

a) DH has noticed and complained
b) I accidentally let one slip on the bus and a little girl said 'what's that funny smell daddy?'

Only tested positive a few days ago - at least now I've got an excuse!