The funny thing about pregnancy is....

[ImpatiencePersonified]

Please can we start a lighthearted post about the funny, potentially disgusting things that our bodies are doing just now. Please. It would make me feel less of a freak. Here's my list of shame so far

1 - Fanny snotters - Not to be confused with discharge, I've had proper gelatinous snotters at least 3 times since being preggo. Midwife assures me its all fine, after she stopped laughing.

2 - Turning into Jim Royle off of the Royles. I fart and blench without warning. If I had balls, I'm sure I'd be adjusting them often too

3 - Gluttony... Right now, I want to eat everything and vast quantities. I'm sure I can blame the 10 week old fetus thats inside me, I mean it's like 4cm's so clearly needs to leech enough from me to feed an entire playgroup... sounds legit no?

4 - Concrete tits - I'm SO sure someone is pouring cement into my once lovely bouncy mammories. When I take my bra off... I could punch someone.

5 - 9pm? BEDTIME! Whats up with that? I'm 34 for fucks sake, I should be able to at least catch the 10pm news?

I'm only 10+1 so I know that this is the beginning of a very mortifying ride...

it started with his jizz
never thought it would come to this

Areolas the size of dinner plates and the colour of aubergines. I was horrified by the end of my pregnancy, they did eventually return back to normal though.

Swinging between laughing and feeling terrified, I guess it's too late to back out now!! It's a bit too early to report much yet (5+4) but I started with the wind yesterday. Managed to keep it fairly private, but it sounds like there will come a day when my DH will hear me trumpet in all my glory. That will be a shock!

I also usually have a really sweet tooth, but last night I had seconds of a gorgeous lamb & rice dish my DH made instead of chocolate fudge pudding. That is really not normal. Then this morning I opened the fridge, smelled the leftovers and wanted to puke. How can I go from loving it to hating it in a few hours?

The daily struggle of having to take my maternity jeans down to my knees so I can "almost reach" to put shoes on/off

catsofa that made me do a proper LOL in my office.

I keep piling the food in and getting comments like 'wow, you must've been really hungry' as everyone else eats their food at a normal pace.

Oh, the constipation. The pain!!! Will there ever be any sweet release?!

I have had the occasional bout of pregnancy rage. The other day my DH asked if he could have some of the halloumi I had cooked to have with my tea (I'd cooked him steak, homemade wedges etc...) and I slammed the frying pan down on the hob and screamed at him that it's MY HALLOUMI and if he wanted any why didn't he ask me to cook him some???!!! His poor, shocked little face! I also cried when he wiped something off the wall and took the paint with it, down to the plaster, and then said he'd re-paint it straight away. I didn't want him to repaint it STRAIGHT AWAY.

(17 + 3).

I'm 27 weeks and had my dad visiting at the weekend he followed every comment of mine with a pointed "that's pregnant women for you, mate" to my DP.
Reminded me of when I was 14 and he would declare my every expression of negativity 'hormones' - nothing like regressing to a spluttering, sulking teenager just when you're on the verge of the mystical wisdom of motherhood.

I am 35 weeks.

It takes me at least 15 minutes longer to get dressed in the mornings. I can no longer put my socks, tights or leggings on without feeling as if I have scaled Mount Everest.

At the weekend I toppled over in Sainsbury's when crouching to try and get something off the bottom shelf, and I was only able to get up again by rolling on to all fours first.

I had cramp on the escalator at work and when stretching my foot my shoe tumbled all the way down to the bottom. The security guard sent it up again to meet me standing on one leg at the top.

Just wanted to add in some for me

1- unexpected complications which have meant that I haven't been allowed to have sex or do any fun stuff for oooh nearly fuve months, which is great when I am so horny that I could cry

2 - My bikini line is a mess, blind shaving us not the future, but then giving number 1 it clearly doesn't matter

3- Pune puree anyone? Something I have to make and drink twice a day to try and get a small amount of bowel function.

4- waking up at 4.30am every morning and then feeling sleepy once my alarm goes off at 6.30am!

These have had me in stitches!
I'm 32 weeks pregnant with my 2nd son and have never felt so unattractive in my life!

-I havn't seen my own vagina in so long I've forgotten what it looks like.. plus the awkwardness and effort of shaving leaves hairy patches!

-The first trimester (hell) I had alongside morning sickness that problem where you overproduce saliva.. which left me constantly having to spit everywhere and everywhere to save myself throwing up, i once had to pick up DP i spent the drive there with my head out of the window trying to spit without it blowing back in my face (unsuccessfully) and the drive back in the passenger seat spitting and dribbling into a beaker..

-I wee myself regularly when i cough/sneeze/laugh (laughing hard also makes me retch) the other day i was trying to get into a comfortable position for um.. lovemaking.. i then coughed and weed.. it did ruin the mood slightly!

-Aside from the other stuff mentioned which i totally relate to one i havn't seen mentioned is copious sweating? whenever i have to go to an appointment or shopping i end up with sweat patches, sweat all over my face and also in some very unsavoury areas to be sweating

So yeah alongside being the size of a small hippo, farting all the time, doing monster poos, spots, no energy to do my hair, making the noise of a pro weightlifter everytime i have to roll over and crying all the time i feel very sorry for my poor other half!

It's many years since I was pregnant but I do remember one time DH coming into the kitchen and seeing me closing the oven door and asking me what I thought I was doing.

"Cooking a yorkshire pudding, what the fuck do you think I'm doing".

Did I mention it was 3am at the time?

The fact that lots of strangers know, but none of our friends do yet is a bit weird.
The boy/ girl/ twins game I play by myself until I drive myself into an absolute stupor ( y'know, where you read online about signs you're having a boy/girl and then realise you have every symptom, therefore must be having twins- I don't even mind what I have, and yet I can lose hours doing this.
The fact that I'm only 9 weeks and yet my stomach aches from vomiting and my finger tips ache from blood glucose testing and I'm wondering why the hell I'm putting myself through this for the third time....

These have actually made me cry, properly.

Leaking wee when sneezing is a new one for me (dc2).
This is the latest I've been up for months - DH is away so pottering
Opposite of constipation for me - 10 min after getting up, like clockwork
Blocked and simultaneously runny nose
Dry flaky lips
Snoring and whistling at night (apparently)
Unusually horny, frustratingly at its peak when DH has just left for work
In proper floods at Call the Midwife
Grey skin with red dry patches

Haha it's good to know it's not just me!!

Wind - terrible, terrible wind
Crying because Leonard Nemoy died
Thinking I've got a bump then realising it's just my fat and bloating

I'm enjoying the farting too, does no one else enjoy a good big fart? Unpleasant for other people of course but entirely tough shit when it's such a massive hassle for me to move, and I'd probably just accidentally squeeze the fart out while trying to move anyway. So I really have to just sit right here and do it and see if it's one of those that sounds like a laughing duck.

By the way if any of you have missed out on all the first trimester vomiting never fear, I seem to be starting up with it in the third so there's always time to catch up.

Have we had dribbling on the pillow yet? I spent ages this afternoon trying to nap, very nearly asleep but just barely conscious and aware of only one thing - the growing puddle of drool under my chin on the pillow. I sleepily decided that if I moved I would only form another puddle somewhere else, and would then also have to avoid the existing one as it would grow cold when I stopped adding new drool to it and at least I had this puddle all nice and warmed up now with my chin in it...

I'm sure all this is nature's way of lowering our standards so that we're less revolted by all the baby sick, poo, snot and wee that we're about to have to deal with for the next 15 years or so.

Ditto to pillow dribbling catsofa - except with me my cat likes to tuck himself up under my chin when I nap which means he inevitably gets dribbled on. I do quite enjoy watching him indignantly washing it off when I wake up and move

Catsofa I am dribbling like a St Bernard. I don't even care

And LOL on laughing duck!

Oh god the drool. My cat gets under the covers and sleeps with her head on my shoulder. Fortunately she drools when she purrs as well so we're just sharing one gigantic drool puddle.

if you get insane amounts of drool when you're out and can't swallow it all, you can carry a small empty drinks packet and spit down the straw into it. It's quite discreet.

My cat gets under the covers and sleeps with her head on my shoulder. Oh mine too! I'm so worried about how she'll deal with being evicted when I start sharing the bed with baby instead of her... Also worried that she'll soon discover that my nipples are leaking milk already, and I'll wake up to enthusiastic scraping of the nipple with a sandpaper tongue

Where to begin! Im 35 & 1 day now

1. Drooling in my sleep - i have never ever drooled in my sleep, i woke up glued to my pillow twice last night
2. Wind - and calling it wind is being polite frankly xD but letting it out is so good and i am not ashamed!
3. Buh bye pelvic floor, dribble down the leg after a cough/sneeze is as sexy as I get atm, panty liner or not, and i haven't even admitted this to the OH yet
4. Third trimester wretching when i brush my teeth and then finding out that my poor OH has been using my toothbrush hahaha
5. Sex overdrive - OH is at the stage of 'its weird, the baby knows' and im like, shut up and take off your pants NOW.

Catsofa Siani my cat does that too!! It's usually her dribble that I feel on my arm but it has recently been joined by my own!

I'm also a bit concerned about how's she's going to deal with 'the competition', she's been slightly pampered in the six years we've had her! We're going to have a snuzpod...do you think the cat can still sleep on the bed as long as she stays away form the baby? Our house isn't designed in such a way that we can shut her downstairs with the run of the lounge/kitchen etc...She'd have to be shut just in the kitchen if anything, which I think is a bit mean seeing as she's slept on a bed or sofa nearly her whole life (she flatly refuses to use a cat bed). Sorry, bit of a cat-related hijack there!!

I had a great sex dream about my DH last night but just can't muster up the energy to do it in real life...anyone else? Besides having doubled in size in the past four months, I just can't be arsed!