The funny thing about pregnancy is....

[ImpatiencePersonified]

Please can we start a lighthearted post about the funny, potentially disgusting things that our bodies are doing just now. Please. It would make me feel less of a freak. Here's my list of shame so far

1 - Fanny snotters - Not to be confused with discharge, I've had proper gelatinous snotters at least 3 times since being preggo. Midwife assures me its all fine, after she stopped laughing.

2 - Turning into Jim Royle off of the Royles. I fart and blench without warning. If I had balls, I'm sure I'd be adjusting them often too

3 - Gluttony... Right now, I want to eat everything and vast quantities. I'm sure I can blame the 10 week old fetus thats inside me, I mean it's like 4cm's so clearly needs to leech enough from me to feed an entire playgroup... sounds legit no?

4 - Concrete tits - I'm SO sure someone is pouring cement into my once lovely bouncy mammories. When I take my bra off... I could punch someone.

5 - 9pm? BEDTIME! Whats up with that? I'm 34 for fucks sake, I should be able to at least catch the 10pm news?

I'm only 10+1 so I know that this is the beginning of a very mortifying ride...

it started with his jizz
never thought it would come to this

Ladies - you have all cheered me right up!

To add to my list of pregnancy woes as detailed by you all above, I can add Pregnancy Gingivitis.

Every time I floss my teeth the sink looks like a crime scene from CSI.

22 weeks exactly.

I'm not happy about not being able to drink. But what's really getting to me is the limits on caffeine. 200 mg per day is not enough to reliably get me out of feeling like I'm going mad from being so tired and cranky.

I'm also having trouble sitting up straight for any length of time. I can't sit in a chair at the dining room table for very long, have to go into the living room so I can recline. I'm 19+1.

I sobbed at DP when he dunked his biscuit in my tea, I then got overwhelmed by the frustrated sobbing that I threw a load of Tupperware everywhere in rage before meekly picking it all up. DP just stood there like this >>!

I also waddled upstairs and alarmed him greatly with the level of sobbing that was coming out of my face, he thought something terrible had happened to which I shrieked that something terrible had happened! The gay couple on Glee that I love so much had split up and what was the point in love if they didn't make it!?

I think baby has realised that by poking/kicking/punching/sitting on my bladder at very inappropriate times, it usually results in a fit of giggles from either mummy or daddy....due to the very slight dribble of wee that escapes....

Oh My Christ! I'm 6 weeks pregnant with #1 and am just starting to visit the pregnany boards. Is this what I have to look forward to?!

Mine is the insomnia. I am exhausted, but unable to sleep at 3am. So frustrating. Urgh

Crumbelina, every pregnancy is different. For just about every pregnancy symptom you can think of, some women get it, some don't. For the ones you do get, you generally figure out how to deal.

When I was pregnant I was slavering like a dog and kept choking on my own spit. Nice!

But yes crumbelina you're pretty fucked.... Just like the rest of us!

Ahhhh I love all your replies.

We all rock

Geeky. I'm sure I'll get used to them and I'm developing some of my own. The mention of a cheap burger above had me licking my lips and I just want to eat lovely roast beef Monster Munch.

Oh, and drunk people who are enjoying themselves irritate the hell out of me too!

Haha Impatience! Fabulous thread!

35 weeks but the last 35 weeks have included-
Crying and feeling extremely stressed at the smell of washing powder

Sobbing uncontrollably in big snotty heaving sobs at the waitrose Xmas advert (girl is crap at making biscuits) because I can't handle the thought of my baby being upset and embarrassed

Eating 15 biscuits before 11am

Struggling to wipe bottom

Painful vaginal lips including one swollen one which hung outside knickers

Nipples being so massive, sensitive and brown DH compares them to conkers and I manage to scrap one on the staircase just by walking up the stairs. Never known pain like it

Rarely being awake at 10pm

Eating Nutella from the jar

My nose bleeds at 10am every morning. The smell of my own air fresheners that I chose and liked 10 weeks ago make me dry heave.

Cried because the cat doesn't like me. Cried because I can't drink wine. Cried because I cry so much my eyes might run out.

DH pushed our bed against the wall because I need him not to touch meeeeeee at night because I'm soooo hot I will BOIL the baby and he will fall out of bed otherwise.

geekymommy Given your name and your complaints, please immediately read "Expecting Better" by Emily Oster!

I wish I'd read it much earlier in my pregnancy, I'm now drinking nearly-normal amounts of tea again and I'm so much happier! I'm also sitting here right now at 31 weeks with a pint of guinness* in front of me :)

• One pint is not a "normal" amount of alcohol for me, but it's a lot better than no pints

I would sometimes quite like to punch the women who claimed I would be glowing, that my hair would be thicker and more beautiful, that I would look like some serene goddess about now... I am 24+2 and look like crap, between the heartburn, wind, need for panty liners, blotchy skin, spotty breakouts on my back, lank hair and lack of sleep due to being perpetually uncomfortable, and snoring when I do sleep, I am the antithesis of a beautiful pregnancy. Couple all this with a good old blubbering sesh when I can't remember what I came into the kitchen for, yep, that about sums up pregnancy for me!

I'm 29 weeks and my most recent problem is extreme stupidness. Where have I parked my car, what day it is, opening the door not wearing any trousers.
That is in addition to the constipation and permanently itchy arse.

Oh and not to mention needing special ops skills to see and tidy the old lady garden!

Yep, weak bladder, bad cough - bad news!! Am 37 weeks with twins. Went from being insatiably ravenous 3-6 weeks, nauseous 7-14 weeks, unable to enjoy any food (and vomiting again due to cough+ heartburn 25-32 weeks, and making up for lost time (eating) as heartburn eases (Omeprazole and change of baby positions) and as no diabetes is diagnosed 34-37 weeks and I find myself eating chocolate and pasties galore! Oh, plagued by wind, burping, snoring, peeing every hour through the night, and constipation, too. Even with a heightened sex drive (at times), my husband isn't really that keen to reciprocate. Wonder why...?

After being bloated, gassy and constipated for the last few weeks I gulped a mouthful of Lactolose out of sheer frustration. It kicked in whilst AS was using the bathroom so I couldn't get in to use the toilet. I shat on the bedroom carpet. . AS cleaned it up whilst I cried in the shower.

Awwwwwww melimoo! shitting on the carpet, I reckon that's the best so far
I think we should have this thread printed and sent to every school in the UK. I bet it would make young girls think twice!

The great big bloody bogies every time I blow my nose. Where do they come from?
I cried uncontrollably during a Marian Keyes book when the characters started shagging. Then I started laughing at the same time because I was so utterly ridiculous.

Feeling so proud and relieved whenever I manage to do a poo. That along with the unbelievable wind, especially during the evenings. I'm sure that the weight I've put on is not all pizza but several kilos of backed up waste.
The hunger! Gobbling down whatever I'm eating in about half the time of everyone else.
11 weeks.

My hair has got tons thicker, it was already super thick though so now I look like a male lion, I have a thick, fluffy mane and the hairdresser is now charging me for a complete restyle rather than regular cut, thanks for that baby!

I have to say I'm unsure of how far along I am. Appointment next week for a dating scan.
But I have to admit I'm glad I'm not the only one with the wind humour. It's horrid with all the bloating. I think I'll get a letter from British Gas any day now . I've not been too bad on the emotional side of things. Only burst into tears once so far lol.

New. Fucking. Pregnancy. Low. That's what it was.

Oh melimoo I'm so sorry but I just laughed so much at that. It must have been awful for you though.

I'm only 7 weeks and can identify with all of the OP and most other posts too. The wind is awful. I've been with DH for 10 years and never been one for sharing bodily functions with him but now I have no choice. Poor man was horrified by just how loud I can fart

And the eating is ridiculous. I just cannot get enough of carb and cheese. Which points to pizza. Of which I'm eating a lot. I'll be the size of a house before I'm even showing.