The funny thing about pregnancy is....

[ImpatiencePersonified]

Please can we start a lighthearted post about the funny, potentially disgusting things that our bodies are doing just now. Please. It would make me feel less of a freak. Here's my list of shame so far

1 - Fanny snotters - Not to be confused with discharge, I've had proper gelatinous snotters at least 3 times since being preggo. Midwife assures me its all fine, after she stopped laughing.

2 - Turning into Jim Royle off of the Royles. I fart and blench without warning. If I had balls, I'm sure I'd be adjusting them often too

3 - Gluttony... Right now, I want to eat everything and vast quantities. I'm sure I can blame the 10 week old fetus thats inside me, I mean it's like 4cm's so clearly needs to leech enough from me to feed an entire playgroup... sounds legit no?

4 - Concrete tits - I'm SO sure someone is pouring cement into my once lovely bouncy mammories. When I take my bra off... I could punch someone.

5 - 9pm? BEDTIME! Whats up with that? I'm 34 for fucks sake, I should be able to at least catch the 10pm news?

I'm only 10+1 so I know that this is the beginning of a very mortifying ride...

it started with his jizz
never thought it would come to this

melimoo, I have to thank you as I was able to cheer up my rather hard-done-by feeling DH by telling him at least he hasn't had to clear my poo off the carpet. So there's a bright side for you!

Gobbling down whatever I'm eating in about half the time of everyone else.

Oh wow yeah I don't even realise until I've finished cos I've just been head down, shovelling it in as fast as it will go. Look up and other people are getting another condiment they'd forgotten, sorting out what to put on the telly while we eat, hardly even started... Wish my mouth were bigger, until recently it has been a frustrating bottleneck.

However now (31 weeks) my stomach is too small to fill with the amount of food I actually want to eat, so I shovel for a few minutes then slow right down and decide if I think any of it is likely to come up again, then eating seems to wake up my sluggish digestion and I need to go for a poo in the middle of dinner!

Generally makes a bit more room for a few minutes more shovelling, but I think I'm going to have to start having three or four tiny dinners over the afternoon and evening rather than trying to do it all in one go.

My cat poos on the carpet occasionally so if I feel the need myself nobody will be too put out around here, we're used to it.

Ladies you have cheered me up no end... I already have 4 boys the youngest 13 this year... so was shocked to find out I am, how can I put it politely, with child AGAIN!!!! I had it easy with the others. This time around is whole different bun in the oven
From the minute I wake up to minute I fall asleep... which can be at any time of the day... I am throwing my guts up and yes I have to say am quite accomplished as peeing myself at the same time, but in between that I want to eat my way through the kitchen like bloody pac man lol. Cheese has never tasted so good!
Everything stinks to high heaven the kids, the dogs, the OH, the fish.... just about everything makes me want to vom.
Bodily functions are horrific.. who knew someone could fart or burp like a fog horn out of nowhere.. pretty gross as even the boys don't find it funny which is unusual for them.... emotions are all over the place and yes like every one else I cry quite freely. Morrisons today, with my very embarrassed 17 year old, is an example of crying over the most stupid things... A lovely older gentleman (yes I've still got it hahaha) cornered us for a chat.. 10 minutes later and far to much in my personnel space (smells again) I tried to make my escape when he proceeded to pull out photos from his pocket.. HELP!.. so being the nice person I can sometimes be at the hormonal time I suitably oooed and aahhd over his pictures, he finaly said goodbye and went to trap another unsuspecting person... and what did I do... Start crying and saying ' oh bless him, what a lovely man he must be so lonely'.... my son walked off... Thanks!!!
so with emotions flying,bodily functions ripe I can't wait for what other delights are in store for me this time.
7+3 weeks

melimoo I feel your pain. I managed not to damage any furnishings, but I did have to bin some of my favourite pants, and I didn't even have the excuse of someone in the loo. It just sort of snuck up on me.... :(

Oh dear I'm only 9+3. I've been foolishly holding on for the magical 12 weeks when I'll start feeling human again and will be able to get on with my life/ spend time with husband/ stay up past 8pm.
I feel I may have been lied to and its only going to get worse. Although at least you all still have a sense of humour! Thank you for sharing

Sleeping in 1-2 hour increments then up for 4 how at only 13weeks?

Also when I do sleep I'm dreaming about food! Piggy

Just have been sleeping in a single camp bed next to DS's hospital bed, I have worked out that the simple act of turning over at night requires me to take all my worldly possessions with me for fear I might not be able to turn back again, phone, drink, glasses, tissues etc. it's tragic.

I am only 7+5 and I was wishing for the magic12 week switch but now I am also sure we have been lied to. I have managed to throw up every morning and have to run to try and pee first so I don't wet myself while heaving. I am currently sitting with a washing up bowl to heave into.
I also hate the constipation aspect and a continuous blocked nose!
I cried as I was so tried last night but couldn't sleep. :(

I would quite like to be able to eat again.

Ahh balls, new addition to the game ladies.

Porno dreams... I reckon I could have given 50 shades a run for its money last night.

Ironic really, I can't get my brain in sex mode when I'm awake at all. Poor hubs has balls like water melons.

sigh

Mum: Has it snow??? Ohhh no it's my gray hair!!
Baby: sorry mumy but for my good health you can't dy it yet don't worry you don't look that bad!!

I'm a vegetarian, and eat a lovely healthy diet with lots of veg, so normally my bowel movements are impeccable (stealth boast ). Imagine my horror when I spent 45 minutes swearing and whimpering on the toilet the night before last.....by the time I actually managed to evacuate what felt like a series of boulders I thought I'd permanently broken my arse .

I never had this with my first pregnancy 5 years ago, and suspect that this is partially down to the caffeine restrictions not having come in then....I had an emergency extra coffee yesterday morning, which helped greatly. Have also remembered that there are reasons other than weight gain for not living off white bagels, doughnuts and pizza, and have reverted to a strict diet of prunes and lentils again. I was considering getting some lactulose, but melimoo has just put the frighteners on me....

HAHA Stubbornstains!

Thinking about it, I think that the last time I went for a poo was last Wednesday. I am getting back on the lactulose I think - I am concerned or my poor bum.

I'm 8 weeks with my first.
I have a constant cycle of nausea, wanting all of the toast in the world and then evil heartburn. The last couple of nights I've eaten too much for my tea then had to take emergency naps because I'm made myself feel so full.

It's not that I'm not doing enough poos its just that the girth of them has increased dramatically. Is it supposed to be some sort of training? They're tearing my bum to shreds.

Ohhhhh mega poo's

Mine on the other hand feel like they're made of titanium ninjas... small sharp and very eager to kill me.

Also, first teary episode has just happened (10+4). I'm not feeling sicky just a bit precious today and the fucking canteen has no fucking jacket potatoes which is the ONLY thing what I wanted.
Why is the world so unfair?

33w. Can't see my lady garden then had a shock when I looked in the mirror! It's spreading in every direction! Poor DH is going to have to help me wax it...
I was craving octopus the other day. Hawaiian pizza since the first trimester.
Can't sit at my desk for more than 30 mins without feeling like I might collapse between my hips when I stand up.
Snotty nose, ear infection, leaking pee when I cough. I cried when I watched my toddler sleep the other evening. I fall asleep if the telly goes on.
Boobs rest against my belly, leaving me with a sweaty patch under them. Have to sleep in pants (with pantyliner) and a supportive tank top (to keep boobs off belly) with no duvet - too hot!

I've been quite enjoying the massive poos. Very satisfying.

I used to enjoy a massive poo but they scare me now. No satisfaction.

26 + 3 and currently experiencing the following joys.

Arse glass poo, only making an appearance once a week.

Being intolerant of every other fucking human being on the planet. And not hiding my disdain very well. (Current victim of hatred is MiL and it's only partially deserved)...

Crying because I couldn't open my choc milkshake, and then crying more when it splurted everywhere because I pulled the poxy tab too hard.

Feeling ridiculously hungry, but only being able to eat four or five mouthfuls before feeling like stomach will explode.

Oh, and the SPD. That's a hoot. Not being able to move without it feeling like my legs are being pulled out of my hip sockets. I actually feel a bit like the borg queen from star trek, just a head with a mechanical spine. Wonderful.

Might be tmi but I just had a poo which actually reduced my fear of childbirth a fraction.

^

I feel very sad about your milkshake situation teejayem.... I would possibly have thrown myself on the floor too

• Having an argument (daily) with the OH, about, ooh, anything. He's on the verge of accusing me of being hormonal but hasn't quite dared yet (to be fair he'd be totally warranted)
• having a nose like a bloodhound; the fridge and bin have never been this clean
• resorting to nursery food; sausage and chips, beans on toast, heinz tomato soup and crumpets, baked potato cheese and benas etc. The prospect of eating green vegetables is disgusting
• old lady dressing with appropriately placed scarves to hide the stomach (still too early to tell work yet)
• retching every single morning when brushing my teeth - have resorted to buying Hello Kitty bibblegum flavour toothpaste ffs
• constipation; jesus, it's never been this bad, and when it ends, it's biblical
• total rage and intolerance of EVERYONE. May have played out in a couple of meetings (but they deserved it for being wankers )

Oh ladies I remember it well and do feel for you DD is now 7, someone told me I would forget how shit it was and would want another so I wrote it all down.
When I was about 36 weeks I remember DH trying to plan our weekend telling me everything we needed to do, so I said I was planning on sleeping all weekend. He said some typical crap stuff about doing it all himself

Me: I'm the size of a small whale, I look like I have someone else's feet on by mistake. I'm working full time . And I'm knackered. ( waddled off for a shower and had a good cry)

DH ( coming into the bathroom) are you ok love?

Me: no I'm sick of hearing myself moan.

DH: oh sweetheart you're not moaning.

Me: see I fucking knew you weren't listening.