My boyfriend doesn't want children, but I do.....

[Chloecjc]

So my boyfriend of 4 months already has a 4 year old daughter from a previous relationship. He doesn't want to have anymore children as it is hard work and he doesn't want to go through it all again. I am torn on what I should do. I want a family at some stage in my life but realise I am not getting a younger (I am 30, he is 32) do I stay with him and hope that he changes his mind? I understand we haven't been together long but I love him with all my heart and we are so good together in every other way. I honestly don't think he would even move in with me, let alone start the family that I desire. I am not saying that I want all this right now but I need to know that it is possible in the future. Do I cut my loses before I get even more attached or stay with the man I love?

Cut your losses

Cut your losses.

This is what my head tells me to do but my heart won't let go. I can't believe this is happening to me with my dream man. Devastated doesn't even cover it. I thought he was the one.

Do people change their minds? It is still such a new relationship. I'm not ready to give up on this.

You're right to go with what you feel to be right at the moment but, if you really want children, don't waste your 30s with someone who you deep down know will never want what you want.

Does the man matter more to you than having children? Or will you eventually resent the man if you never have children?

Nobody can answer those questions except you.

Hi. Tough situation. I had two partners who said they weren't sure and I waited years. Didn't change their minds to yes. My current partner was always open to it and we have a baby. If you stay with him I don't see what is going to give him any incentive to change his mind. He has things just as he wants them. He's telling you the information you need to make a decision. It seems like your choosing not to hear it. It's hard. But leaving might give you a better indication of whether there is any flexibility. From what he's said, I suspect not.

Just for context, current partner wasn't a compromise, he is by far best of the lot!

I agree Saltedcaramel2014. I guess I am not ready to leave him just yet but in my heart of hearts I know have no choice as I do not want to end up childless. As you say, he has everything as he wants them and I don't. If he is that into me I guess if I leave he'll either let me go or consider a family in the future, I feel it will be the former. I'm scared I won't meet anyone as compatible as him.

But I guess he's not that compatible if we don't want the same things. Maybe I need to give myself a cut off point. I enjoy being with him so much I do not want to lose that just yet.

At the moment being with him is more important to me than a family but we are on borrowed time. I just can't believe it really. I've waited a long time for a decent guy.

You need to cut your losses and move on. Don't let this go any further or invest any more time in it.

He doesn't want to have anymore children as it is hard work and he doesn't want to go through it all again.

He doesn't sound like he'd be much use even if you did have children.

Glad my own father didn't view me as 'hard work'.

You are being really clear-headed about this all which I think is amazing given that it is such an emotional thing. As long as you keep what you've said here in mind, and return to it every month or so, weighing things up, you can take time making a decision. If you do seem to want different things, then listen to that. Wishing you strength.

No man is worth sacrificing that. 4 months is no time at all. Don't waste time.

1. you're not on borrowed time . You're 30. You have time to move on, meet someone else, get to know them... Etc. Don't worry about that
2. you met someone you care about - which has taught you more about what you're looking for. If you leave, you will almost certainly meet someone else great, to share life with in a way that makes you both happy. You'll be ok.

I don't feel strong enough to call it a day even though I know this is what I should do. I feel like staying with him until I find somebody better and then leave him!! Awful I know, but true.

That is really sad, that your self-esteem is so low you stay with whoever, even though you are fundamentally incompatible until you meet yet another man. You can't love him that much if you are on the lookout for another bloke.

I'm not on the look out for another bloke. I only want to be with him. It's just I realise if I want a family then I am going to have to most likely meet somebody else to have those things with.

I want to stay with him for as long as I can as I enjoy being with him so much.

Maybe me using the phrase 'finding someone better' was wrong, I just meant somebody that wants the same things.

Someone once told me, at 30, "Don't waste another ovulation on that man." when I was seeing someone who would never have children with me because he already had them. I listened to her but it took awhile to then find my DH at 33 and then progress enough in the relationship to have DS at almost 35.
Don't waste another ovulation on this man! (even if he is lovely in all other aspects)

I couldn't have found the person I did without time alone. My self-esteem was low and I was attracting the same. I found my equal only by taking a leap and going it alone. Being single at 31 wasn't always easy but when I look back I had some of the best experiences, times of travel, friendships etc of my life. I know I'm talking about myself here, but just to say it's not a bad thing, taking time out. It sounds like you really care about this guy. It must be really hard. But at 40 without kids how will you feel?

Even worse I guess! Part of me feels should I let the relationship grow some more and see where we are in a few months? Or will it just be even harder then.

My friend thinks that I am having this conversation with him far too soon and that maybe this has scared him off. I think maybe he is just being completely honest with me.