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Original poster

My boyfriend doesn't want children, but I do.....

72 replies

Chloecjc · 23/10/2014 15:24

So my boyfriend of 4 months already has a 4 year old daughter from a previous relationship. He doesn't want to have anymore children as it is hard work and he doesn't want to go through it all again. I am torn on what I should do. I want a family at some stage in my life but realise I am not getting a younger (I am 30, he is 32) do I stay with him and hope that he changes his mind? I understand we haven't been together long but I love him with all my heart and we are so good together in every other way. I honestly don't think he would even move in with me, let alone start the family that I desire. I am not saying that I want all this right now but I need to know that it is possible in the future. Do I cut my loses before I get even more attached or stay with the man I love?

OP posts:
Pisghetti · 23/10/2014 16:13

You won't find somebody who wants the same things as long as you're in this relationship. You're only four months in at the moment and you're only thirty. I guarantee you'll have many more years invested in a relationship which ultimately can't give you what you want if you don't cut your losses now. I've been there.

juneavrile · 23/10/2014 16:15

After only four months together you're still in the honeymoon period. You might not think he's so fantastic after a few more and the whole worrying will be for nothing. And it might well be too soon for him to even contemplate babies. Still, you might still set yourself a time limit....

Original poster
Chloecjc · 23/10/2014 16:15

What happened to you if you don't mind me asking?

OP posts:
TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 23/10/2014 16:16

He doesn't want to have anymore children as it is hard work and he doesn't want to go through it all again

It is hard work, but most people admit that it has all been worth it. The ones that don't are usually pretty self-centred and lazy, resentful parents.

Cut your losses.

AuntieStella · 23/10/2014 16:22

"Part of me feels should I let the relationship grow some more and see where we are in a few months? Or will it just be even harder then."

Yes, it will be harder.

You're only 4 months in to this relationship, very much still the 'audition' stage.

Do not expect he'll change. It's no more likely than you genuinely changing your mind.

Give up the man, or give up the idea of pregnancy. Not an easy choice in an established relationship. And though wretched to walk away from something that might otherwise have been promising, you do need to think about your priorities in such an important area (and one where there is no compromise option).

madbunnygirl · 23/10/2014 16:27

Dump him and move on. No man is worth wasting your dreams on.

ZenNudist · 23/10/2014 16:30

A friend of mine went through exactly your situation several years ago. I felt like I lived it too! It did not end well for that relationship. Her bf was upfront he didn't want marriage or children. Like you she stuck it out, kept putting off breaking up. It ruined their lives for about 2 years, they were miserable together. Loved each other but didn't want the same things. Everyone told her he wouldn't change but she didn't listen. She eventually said he was the biggest disappointment of her life. She dumped him for mr good enough who did want children because by that point she felt like she had run out of time to find another love of her life to have children with. The new guy was dependable and lovely. She just didn't love him like her preferred choice. It was a shitty situation.

If you love this man leave now. If you don't you will eventually sour your relationship. End it amicably. If he decides he does want children then he may come back but that has to be his own decision.

At 30 you have plenty of time to find someone who wants the same things as you. Don't waste time on this guy. There are plenty of men who want children or at least aren't against the idea. Stick to dating them.

Staying with your current bf is a good way to find yourself deeply in love with someone who doesn't have the same plans for the future as you. At 4months you are infatuated and having great sex, it's not really love. Get out now whilst the hurt caused will only be superficial.

Original poster
Chloecjc · 23/10/2014 16:31

I know I have to be brave and strong but I just cannot face the heartache. I know that this heartache will heal eventually and that of not having a child probably never would, I just wish things were different. At the end of the day if he wants me then he'll re-consider. I just feel so sad. I wish I hadn't found him in the first place now that I am faced with this situation.

OP posts:
QuillPen · 23/10/2014 16:31

Does he know you want children? Might he think you don't and be trying to please you? Just trying to work out if this is absolutely definitely how he thinks or if it could be a misunderstanding. How did it come up in conversation?

Original poster
Chloecjc · 23/10/2014 16:36

It was the 'where do you think this is heading' conversation. I had my suspicions that we weren't on the same page and had to front them. I just don't know whether I asked too early or whether this is it now. Yes he know's I want children. I said that from the offset and he said he wanted a little brother or sister for his daughter but has now changed his mind. He said he feels like as time has gone on he feels less and less like having more children.

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moominlike · 23/10/2014 16:48

I really feel for you as I've been in a similar situation. Ultimately I walked away from a 10yr relationship and 7yr marriage and it was heartbreaking. A few years later and I am happier than I've ever been, with an amazing partner and expecting our first baby in a few weeks time Grin

I would cut your losses, as difficult as I know that is. If you aren't on the same page now it just won't work... either you will sacrifice having children of your own and end up resenting him, or he will do it just to make you happy and in turn he may resent that and not be the kind of dad that you would want for your child. If someone hasn't had children and says they don't want them it is possible that will change. But he has a child, he knows what it entails and has been honest with you that he doesn't want any more. You need to respect that, just as he needs to respect your wish to have children. There is someone out there who can make you happy and wants the same life as you. I know letting go of him feels like a risk, but it is a risk worth taking. Better than a lifetime of regret. Good luck x

Original poster
Chloecjc · 23/10/2014 16:53

How did you get the strengh to do that moominlike? I feel so heartbroken after only 4 months?! How did you meet you current partner?

OP posts:
DecaffTastesWeird · 23/10/2014 16:53

I feel like staying with him until I find somebody better and then leave him!!

Oh no don't do this! That's a terrible idea; IME you will never meet a decent human being who wants to become emotionally attached to someone who already has a partner.

Original poster
Chloecjc · 23/10/2014 16:58

I don't really mean that. I'm being irrational and lashing out. I just want to be happy and for the first time in my life I thought I would be and then this has happened. I don't want to lose him.

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Original poster
Chloecjc · 23/10/2014 16:59

I just can't believe that this is happening to me. I thought this sort of thing happens to other people and that I would be advising them instead.

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 23/10/2014 16:59

He's being honest with you OP. Listen to him and believe him. I'm a woman who doesn't want children and I'm highly unlikely to change my mind. Your man may well be the same. You know what you want, he doesnt want the same. That is tough and very sad but I don't see how this can work if you stay together

Mariposa10 · 23/10/2014 17:03

The heartache of leaving him now will be a hell of a lot less than the heartache you will feel in 5 years time when you have yet another argument about having children and he says he doesn't want them, and that he told you from the beginning and he doesn't want to hear any more about it. You won't have any choice but to leave, so why put it off?

You might love him but he isn't the one for you if he isn't prepared to have children with you. It should be a deal breaker.

Original poster
Chloecjc · 23/10/2014 17:12

Yep. Everything everybody is saying is so true. I know I am sticking my head in the sand and trying to pretend this isn't happening. I just need some time to get the courage to end this relationship and start the healing process. He's going to be a hard one to let go of and get over.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chloecjc · 23/10/2014 17:18

I guess the fact that there has not been one positive story from anybody who has been in a similar situation and turned things around with the same guy which would only give me false hope anyway, and tells me all I need to know when I'm ready to listen.

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JaneLouiseT · 23/10/2014 17:29

I met my ex-husband when I was 15. He always said he never wanted children and I thought in time he would come around. He didn't. I left him when I was 38 for lots of reasons.......now I'm 40 and pregnant to my new partner who loves children and has a 3 year old daughter who we have stay with us every other weekend. I think some men do change but some don't and that is a big risk.

moominlike · 23/10/2014 17:41

It took me years, I was in denial for a long time. I buried my head in the sand and hoped it would work itself out somehow. I just didn't want to lose him. It all came to a head when I turned 30, I realised I had to face it and we had to make a decision. It was one of the most difficult times of my life, and his, but it was the right thing to do. We have both found happiness again.

Reading your posts I think you know what you have to do. Maybe you're just not ready to walk away yet, and there's nothing wrong with that. But this won't go away and at some point you will feel strong enough to do what you need to do for you.

moominlike · 23/10/2014 17:42

Oh and as for how me and my partner met, online dating!

MotherOfInsomniacToddlers · 23/10/2014 17:46

Cut your losses. I couldn't have been with someone who didn't want children

specialsubject · 23/10/2014 17:51

he's being honest with you. Now be honest with yourself. Don't insult him by thinking 'he'll change his mind'. Kids ARE hard work and I know several people who stopped at one because of that.

sad I know - but better find out now.

ChasedByBees · 23/10/2014 17:55

It's not going to work and it'll only get worse. Leave while you have te to find someone else.