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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

My boyfriend doesn't want children, but I do.....

72 replies

Chloecjc · 23/10/2014 15:24

So my boyfriend of 4 months already has a 4 year old daughter from a previous relationship. He doesn't want to have anymore children as it is hard work and he doesn't want to go through it all again. I am torn on what I should do. I want a family at some stage in my life but realise I am not getting a younger (I am 30, he is 32) do I stay with him and hope that he changes his mind? I understand we haven't been together long but I love him with all my heart and we are so good together in every other way. I honestly don't think he would even move in with me, let alone start the family that I desire. I am not saying that I want all this right now but I need to know that it is possible in the future. Do I cut my loses before I get even more attached or stay with the man I love?

OP posts:

CPtart · 23/10/2014 17:59

Four months into a relationship is nothing. Everyone is madly in love at four months. Cut your losses.
And I presume he's using condoms if he's so set against having children?

ilovehotsauce · 23/10/2014 18:00

Leave him now! I love my dh he's my best friend but nothing comes close to how I feel about dd. Having a child is tough on relationships I can't imagine how hard it would be if I forced him into it.

Completely agree with nosleeptillever

Momagain1 · 23/10/2014 18:26

I have been in your boyfriend's position I stated an expectation about no future children based on current situation to someone I met. 4 months later, he brought the subject up: he was honoured to parent my DDs, but he wanted to father children. If I really didnt want any more, then maybe we should not see each other when he returned in the fall.

It was a crucial discussion. We married in the fall. It was 14 years before we had a child, because many reasons. We regret waiting so long and missing the chance to have at least one more.

You need to state your case. If children are a dealbreaker, you need to know, now. Only accept a reasonably firm commitment/timeline, though, not a vague idea that he might yet change his mind at some point. You might have 14 years of fertility left, but you cant count on it. If he cannot definitively say he would like to have a child with you, and be somewhat willing to consider timelines, then either you have to accept that, or move on.

Momagain1 · 23/10/2014 18:34

Ah, phooey, I interrupted myself and missed a lot of updates before I finished and posted. So, you already had the where is this going talk. i am sorry. If he knows children ARE on you agenda, then, essentially, you two have already split. If you are still seeing each other, he is assuming you agree with him. Time to go.

pippinleaf · 23/10/2014 19:15

Get out. I wasted from the age of 25 (when I started wanting children) to 37 on three different men - each time hoping they'd change their minds and even contemplating giving up on the idea of a family and/or tricking them into a pregnancy. None of them changed their minds. At 37 I found myself single and convinced I'd blown my chances to have children. Fortunately I met a bloke who wanted a family and we are here, one year later pregnant. Please, please leave this perfect man since he's not perfect for you.

Meirasa · 23/10/2014 19:21

My now husband didn't want to have children when we first met. He'd been badly burned by the mother of his first child and he missed his daughter terribly. I told him it was a deal breaker. He pointed out that we'd only be dating for a few months and that I was expecting too much of him too soon.

We got married and are now 12 weeks away from having our first child. He's more excited then I am. It can work out beautifully.

Viviennemary · 23/10/2014 19:32

I feel it is a bit soon after four months to call it a day because he says he doesn't want any more children. But the trouble is you might be still in this situation in five years time and you don't want this.

ChickenMe · 23/10/2014 19:50

I think part of getting what you want is having the courage to go out and get it. It will be very hard to walk away from this man. But look at the bigger picture. It will hurt now. But you will be one step closer to getting what you want.
In my experience if you own your feelings and go along with them 100% you WILL meet someone you like who wants what you want.
If you stay with him, you are in denial.

redexpat · 23/10/2014 21:13

My sister told her partner not to follow her to another country unless he wanted to get married and have babies. He followed her. 4 years later, no ring, no babies and they split up. She now has a gorgeous daughter. But essentially she wasted 4 years of her life waiting for him, which now means the chances of my beautiful niece ever having a little brother or sister are absolutely minimal.

fancyanotherfez · 23/10/2014 21:24

I think the fact that he already has a child counts against him. He knows what it's like and, by the sounds of it, doesn't like it. You may live to regret not having children, but he won't, because he already has one!

My DH wasn't sure about having children when we met, although he is incredibly indecisive about most things. I told him it was a deal breaker and he changed his mind quite easily. If you told him it was important to you and he has got even more hard line about it, let it go now, before it gets too hard.

Original poster

Chloecjc · 24/10/2014 10:41

Thats lovely Meirasa! :) I'm so happy for you! Who knows, maybe that could happen for me too or maybe I will get the strength to walk away from this...

OP posts:

Fattyfattyyumyum · 24/10/2014 11:06

He's not your "dream man"

Your dream man has the same life goals and priorities as you

He's a 4 month fling who's too immature & weighed down by baggage to commit to you.

Cut your losses

JustGotMyBabyOnBoardBadge · 24/10/2014 11:35

It will just be even harder.....Just for the record, I'm 35 now and 39 weeks pregnant - at 31 I left a relationship similar to what you are expereincing now - took a while but I met someone even better and we are so excited about our little girl xxx Good Luck whatever you decide

Chaseface · 24/10/2014 11:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HaveToWearHeels · 24/10/2014 12:33

I don't think at 32 he will cange his mind. If he was 20 I would say he might.

This happened to a friend of mine, both early 30's. She fell pregnant, told him, he was not happy but said he would stand by her. Sadly she had an MMC (which she now considers a blessing), she left shortly afterwards.
Met a guy on the rebound, 5 years younger, thought it was a bit of a fling at the time. They are now engaged, get married next year and have a gorgeous little baby.

Jessbags001 · 24/10/2014 13:00

If it's this hard this early on I'd say he's not the one. That's not to say that relationships are easy, but if your main problems are coming from within the relationship and not from outside pressures, then it's not a good sign.

If it were me I would break up with him but explain gently why this issue meant I couldn't be with him. I'd do everything in my power to stop it getting nasty and make it clear that's it not to do with a lack or caring/love for him. Then if he changes his mind after some thinking time he knows where you are, and nothing awful has been said that you can't come back from. If he doesn't change his mind, that's you question answered. Set a short time limit though, you can't put your life on hold waiting for someone who may not be right for you.

ladylala28 · 24/10/2014 13:45

The problem is you dont want to guilt him into it as it will just leave him resenting you. If you are so sure for a child i think you need to move on. Easier to say than do and i feel for you. Having a baby is the biggest decision you will ever make and both of you need to be 100% sure

Original poster

Chloecjc · 24/10/2014 14:21

Thank you so much for all the advice everyone. I don't exactly have a burning desire to have children right at this moment in time but I know at some point in the future I will do so I know I have to address this. I guess I am waiting for the right time for me to leave, I need to be strong. I also need to think clearly and sort out my feelings. We've had a very intense relationship from the beginning so it seems like we've been together alot longer. I guess in my head I will know when the time is right for me to walk away. Such a horrendous situation, I feel for anyone who has had to deal with this.

OP posts:

Saltedcaramel2014 · 24/10/2014 14:50

Hi again. For what it's worth I don't think the fact that you raised it at this point in time really matters. It's not like it's 4 weeks in, and you're of an age to be caring about this stuff. If he had mixed feelings, wouldn't he tell you that rather than give a flat no? I'm going to be frank - I think you need to be careful of clinging to the one positive story among these posts simply because it's what you want to hear. You're stronger than you think you are, you can leave, you can move on and find love and happiness.

Saltedcaramel2014 · 24/10/2014 14:53

Sorry - cross posted somehow. It sounds like you've already started to move on in your thinking. We all think crappy situations happen to other people until they happen to us - no one is infallible. And who would want to be, this stuff tests you but ultimately makes you stronger if you can learn from it

moominlike · 24/10/2014 15:07

Good luck whatever you decide to do x

BobsyBoo · 24/10/2014 21:39

I was with a partner for 8 years who didn't want children, I was only 21 when I started seeing him so I always thought there was plenty of time for him to change his mind. He already had a child that he hardly ever saw. He never did change his mind. We had good times lots of weekends away and holidays abroad and meals out at the weekend a lifestyle that children wouldn't really fit in to. I always knew I wanted children one day though, it was difficult to end it after so long but I couldn't give up on the fact that I one day wanted to have children. It wasn't the only reason I ended it though.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

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