Desperate for help - Please comment

[Louise990]

Hi ladies

I'm 30 weeks pregnant and in desperate need of your advice please. Before I start I should mention that I suffer with very severe anxiety and OCD. So here goes..

Sorry if TMI but 2 weeks ago today I had a long soak in the bath and shaved down below for the first time in ages which is embarrassing to admit lol. Later on that night I felt more wet down below but didn't think anything of it and assumed it was because there was no hair there to absorb it anymore. The next day I went shopping and as I got out of the car I felt a small rush of fluid when I stood up (as though I was on my period kinda thing). It wasn't much but still enough to feel uncomfortable. A tiny part of me wondered whether it could be my waters leaking but I assumed it was just watery discharge and let it go.

When Monday came round I woke up for work and was feeling a bit crap -no energy, short of breath etc. After being undecided what to do I finally ended up calling in sick to work but immediately felt really guilty and anxious for doing so because we really need the money, and so this somehow led me to need a reason to justify why I was missing work.

This then led to me calling my midwife to tell her about the "leak" I'd been experiencing so she asked me to go to triage to get checked over and make sure my waters weren't leaking. I unintentionally exaggerated things on the phone but I think my anxiety did most of the speaking for me. I happily agreed thinking that it would make me feel less guilty for not going to work, as well as making sure everything is ok down below - how wrong could I be.

I got there and she checked my blood pressure and temperature as well as baby's position and heartbeat - all fine. She then wanted to examine me using a speculum to see if it was anything to worry about and also to swab for infection. I freaked out at the thought of this and told her that I really thought it was just watery discharge but she still wanted to check. She did the exam and it was just normal discharge and I also found out that I'm all clear from infections such as Group B Strep which is a relief.

However, since that day I have been extremely anxious and beating myself up about going to the hospital. I can see now how unnecessary it was and I feel like I've disrupted my complication free pregnancy for nothing. I can't stop replaying it over in my mind wishing that I'd just turned back home and not gone in. I wake up in panic attacks and I feel like my pregnancy will never be the same. I honestly can't cope with what I've done and feel so guilty for messing everything up.

Please help me. What are your thoughts?

Ou was right to get checked because when I experienced leaking like period rush Ignored it was about a week and then ended giving birth to my daughter a week later. Always be on the safe side for you and your unborn child. Please don't feel guilty it's what anyone else would do.

Out of interest, what would you say to a mate if she recounted the story to you? She was worried about a leak, didn't feel well and was 30 weeks pregnant? Would you beat her up about "messing everything up" ? I think you did the right thing, I would imagine the midwife thought the same thing. I would have done the same in your position.
Hopefully it is just hormones/not feeling well that has made you fixate on something that most others wouldn't give a second thought to. Are you still worried about yours and the baby's health?

You were right to go in - they would rather deal with 100 false alarms than one stillbirth caused by one of us worrying about wasting NHS time. You did absolutely the right thing.

You did the right thing.

I would have gone in to hospital with that amount of watery discharge at 30 weeks, don't beat yourself up about it.

You did the right thing, it's better to err on the side of caution. Please don't worry anymore! Have you got any rl support .. anyone you can talk to? Re work you can just say you needed checking over but you're ok now. You definitely made the right choice x

Poor you. All I can say is you've done nothing wrong always better to be safe than sorry. In my pregnancy I went in for the tiniest drop of blood - changed weekend plans etc. Felt a bit embarrassed and silly for causing myself and others stress but mw said they would prefer to have women go in than not - as you never know. Also if the same thing happened again to go in as even if it was all ok the first time wouldn't mean the same result. My sil went in feeling a bit silly about lack of movement at 35 weeks baby was in danger and was then safely delivered.
As soon as you become pregnant you have mum instincts and worry about baby and quite right too. I am naturally anxious but I try and work out when I am being over the top but also err on the side of caution. You didn't waste anyone's time and if something was wrong may have saved your babies life - congratulations for going in.

OP, do u have a cpn? During my pregnancy my anxiety flared up and I too, when I had confirmed complications struggled with the 'non-perfectedness' of the pregnancy. It sounds to me like naughty Mr OCD is rearing his head, totally normal and I would suggest u contact your consultant or cpn for support.

You would beat yourself up more had you not checked and something had been wrong. You're already working on mothering instinct, and listening to your body which will be helpful in labour. You did exactly the right thing, give yourself a break. Congrats on your pregnancy, I hope it continues to be low risk and enjoyable.

My experience is very different to yours I have been suffering from health anxiety since I was around 14 weeks pregnant, I ended up with very intrusive thoughts and on the verge of a break down. This was after I found a lump in my breast and convinced myself I had cancer, from then on I convinced myself I had lots of different cancer and my thoughts were totally out of control, I ended up under a mental health team, having CBT and under a prenatal psyctrist I am also on medication.

Please try and get some help because its a very real thing to the person who is suffering I'm now 25 weeks pregnant and feel alot better xx

I'd have done exactly the same as you OP and that's exactly what my mw would have wanted me to do, too.

You had a concern, you didn't feel well, you checked it out. That's not what messing things up looks like.

You haven't disrupted your complication free pregnancy, not one little bit.

As a health professional myself, life is much easier dealing with problems that aren't problems, rather than managing something gone wrong.

If you'd posted on here, I bet everyone would have encouraged you to phone the midwife to get checked.

Can you put your feet up and watch some telly with tea and cake?

You absolutely did the right thing in getting checked out. It could easily have been your waters - it wasn't and now you can be reassured you and baby are fine. Try not to dwell on it and to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy. Maybe if you do feel very anxious you should see your gp for some advice.

Didn't want to leave unanswered. I can remember vividly how important it seemed that everything was "perfect" in pregnancy / early days. I think you were 100% right to get checked out, and glad your pregnancy is still complication free . Of course, with the benefit of hindsight and time I've come to realise perfect and parenting does not exist, and babies/ kids are more resilient than I thought! Look after yourself (where's the cake emoticon)

Bloody iphone and fat fingers, loads of people have answered!

As many others have said I think it's best to get checked out. Not only to check the baby's okay but also for your own reassurance.

How to know if you're being over the top: If you're phoning the midwife everyday about something and constantly going to the hospital just to check then it's too much but for something like that I'd be in myself!

I do find that when I take a day off sick I then have to justify it by "being" iller than I am -even/especially if I start to feel better.

I had the exact same thing, except I'd just weed myself. Hospital will never say you have wasted their time if you are genuinely concerned. Turns out when I went in my blood pressure was sky high so they knew to keep an extra eye on me for further signs of pre eclampsia , which I never got.

You did the right thing.

Are you getting help for your OCD and anxiety?

You did exactly the right thing, you noticed something unusual and got it checked out. You are absolutely right to do that. Any medical professional would far rather check something out and say its fine than have someone come to them is crisis because they didn't want to bother anyone earlier.
Put the negative thought away and put a positive thought in its place- you made sure bump and you were ok- that's good. No matter how anxious you get just put bump and you first and you will be doing just fine, everything else will sort itself out even if it doesn't feel like it at the time x

My waters broke with a trickle at 33wks. I thought it was just discharge. I started feeling unwell with cold/flu symptoms a week later but it was March so I didn't think anything of it...
I ended up giving birth early with both dd and I having an infection as my waters had been broken for about 10 days. They gave me a dose of steroids for her lungs but she was born too quickly to get the second dose.
I was fine but dd was very poorly when she was born. If I had gone to the hospital instead of "not wanting to bother them" a lot of the problems probably wouldn't have arose. She was fine in the end but we had a scary few weeks.
I'm glad you got checked.

Wow thanks so much for your replies everyone - I didn't expect anyone to read through all of that, never mind reply.

I'm so relieved to see that people think I did the right thing. I've been concentrating solely on the reason I called triage (feeling guilty for calling in sick) rather than focusing on the confirmation of the fact that baby and me are completely healthy.

I've convinced myself that I'm a terrible mum already for having what I thought to be an unnecessary examination for no good reason as I probably knew deep down that it was because I'd recently shaved.

When I got back from hospital I also made the mistake of googling speculums in pregnancy and finding horror stories of women losing their babies and having their cervix damaged due to that instrument!

The midwife and doctor has since reassured me that it as a positive thing that I went to triage and finding out that I'm clear of infections and that my cervix is healthy before before I give birth is definitely a good thing.

Why can't I just be relieved that the only "mistake" (in my eyes) I've made in pregnancy is having one extra check-up? I keep wishing I could turn back time but my OH says if anything I should just wish that I didn't have anxiety.

My GP advised me to come off anxiety meds when I found out I was pregnant. I was also receiving bereavement counselling due to my mum passing away which also stopped soon after. I have an appt with a counsellor on Monday which will hopefully help.

Thanks again everyone.

Anyone else?

It wasn't a mistake. It was practice. Next time you feel unsure about getting medical advice or going into the hospital, you'll just think, "oh, this is easy, I've done it before... And that time had a positive outcome. No need to feel anxious, I've done this before!"

I've woken up to a huge panic attack yet again :( I want to turn back time to the point where I hadn't gone to the hospital to justify having a day off work. I knew there was nothing wrong with me and now everything is ruined because of that stupid speculum exam. I'm not excited about my pregnancy anymore and I feel so anxious and helpless. I'm just sat here crying.

OP I think you need to go back to your Gp to talk about your anxiety meds, it doesn't sound like you are coping very well without them. You really didn't make a mistake, making a mistake implies you did something wrong and as you can see by the many many posts, you absolutely did not do something wrong. You made the right choice to get checked. Many pregnant ladies get checked out for all sorts of reasons and it will have no bearing on your pregnancy. If anything it goes to show how responsible you are and what a good mother you'll be! Please go back to your GP when you can, you shouldn't have to wake up crying and in a panic like this.

I am concerned you think getting medical advice when 30 wks pg is a "mistake" :(
Blimey...I was at the ante natal clinic every 4 weeks with ds2...scans...blood tests...urine samples...you name it!
Please stop thinking you have done anything wrong.
You are doing what any good parent does...putting your child's welfare before you own desires.
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