Desperate for help - Please comment

[Louise990]

Hi ladies

I'm 30 weeks pregnant and in desperate need of your advice please. Before I start I should mention that I suffer with very severe anxiety and OCD. So here goes..

Sorry if TMI but 2 weeks ago today I had a long soak in the bath and shaved down below for the first time in ages which is embarrassing to admit lol. Later on that night I felt more wet down below but didn't think anything of it and assumed it was because there was no hair there to absorb it anymore. The next day I went shopping and as I got out of the car I felt a small rush of fluid when I stood up (as though I was on my period kinda thing). It wasn't much but still enough to feel uncomfortable. A tiny part of me wondered whether it could be my waters leaking but I assumed it was just watery discharge and let it go.

When Monday came round I woke up for work and was feeling a bit crap -no energy, short of breath etc. After being undecided what to do I finally ended up calling in sick to work but immediately felt really guilty and anxious for doing so because we really need the money, and so this somehow led me to need a reason to justify why I was missing work.

This then led to me calling my midwife to tell her about the "leak" I'd been experiencing so she asked me to go to triage to get checked over and make sure my waters weren't leaking. I unintentionally exaggerated things on the phone but I think my anxiety did most of the speaking for me. I happily agreed thinking that it would make me feel less guilty for not going to work, as well as making sure everything is ok down below - how wrong could I be.

I got there and she checked my blood pressure and temperature as well as baby's position and heartbeat - all fine. She then wanted to examine me using a speculum to see if it was anything to worry about and also to swab for infection. I freaked out at the thought of this and told her that I really thought it was just watery discharge but she still wanted to check. She did the exam and it was just normal discharge and I also found out that I'm all clear from infections such as Group B Strep which is a relief.

However, since that day I have been extremely anxious and beating myself up about going to the hospital. I can see now how unnecessary it was and I feel like I've disrupted my complication free pregnancy for nothing. I can't stop replaying it over in my mind wishing that I'd just turned back home and not gone in. I wake up in panic attacks and I feel like my pregnancy will never be the same. I honestly can't cope with what I've done and feel so guilty for messing everything up.

Please help me. What are your thoughts?

Please don't feel that there were no benefits, what if there had been some random thing wrong that you hadn't realised and they managed to pick it up? Obviously there wasn't but try to think of it from that perspective.

I would have googled the dangers of speculums too, but in all honesty the risks will be absolutely tiny. The internet always gives very skewed perspectives as the people who have suffered a trauma will need to talk about it and the internet gives them a great place to talk about things, whereas the people who have had the procedure and been fine wouldn't really think to mention it online if that makes sense? Also, many people may be having speculum examinations as there is something already wrong, so the speculum may not be the reason anything went tragically wrong.

The worst thing is, is that I know this sort of feeling and how impossible it is to shake the guilt. But honestly you've done nothing wrong, this is simply your anxiety talking, loads if people will have done similar things and not given it a second thought. You really didn't put your baby's life at risk, you just got an examination that tells you she is absolutely fine and that is all. If you needed to question your love and care for her you wouldn't be upset now.

I had CBT and it never worked for me really until something clicked in my own head, I am still much more anxious than most but using the techniques on my own helped. One of them is to work out the worry, then if you can do something about it then do, if you can't then stop thinking about it. It sounds impossibly hard but try to distract yourself, if your mind wanders back to it, tell yourself no, then carry on doing this. I do this A LOT still, and you will suddenly realise you are thinking about it, but just try to nip it in the bud as soon as you notice it. I also had bad contamination OCD and my son being born was the best thing to help get me on the way to recovering, but many women find it makes it harder. There is a charity called maternal OCD, I think you can contact them for help - I never used them, but one of my midwives who had suffered from OCD found them really helpful. I had been on sertraline but came off for my pregnancy, but I think the risks of taking them during pregnancy is during the first 12 weeks really, so getting back on medication may help if you think it would help.

Please don't feel bad, you honestly have no reason to. Feel free to contact me to chat if you would like to as I know how horrifically all encompassing anxiety and OCD can be. Please give the shutting the thought down a go in case it will help. Just no, then change the subject in your mind repeatedly.

This is going to sound really stupid, but I was scared I had lung cancer years back and it got to the point where I would imagine one of my brain cells being in charge of the other ones and is imagine him shouting "SHUT UP!!" as soon as my brain even thought about it and I finally got some sleep! This was before CBT but essentially it was one of the same things! x

"I made the choice to go to hospital that day and I had many chances to turn back home but didn't."

So what happened at the hospital that was so bad?

What awful thing has happened as a result of you going to the hospital, that you now think is all your fault?

I think you need to refocus your mind and keep telling yourself, like a mantra "Nothing happened. Nothing's going to happen."

How are you doing Louise? I had bloomin awful agrophobic anxiety after the death of a loved one and i wasn't even dealing with the crazy pregnancy hormones that you are. If it helps then keep talking, posting here.

No improvement really :( I have tiny moments of clarity when I can just see it for what it is but then I soon go back to bullying myself and regretting going to hospital. My mum passed away 18 months ago which made my anxiety much worse and like you said, pregnancy hormones on top of that is no walk in the park.

I think I would have been okay if it wasn't for the speculum exam. Because my reasoning for going was quite poor (virtually had no reason) the shock of actually having an internal has scared me and made me feel guilty for exaggerating my symptoms to the midwife. I can't see the benefits of what happened, only regret.

The speculum exam is a bit strange isn't it - like they insist on doing it to presumably check for infection before you have time to take anything in? (at least that's how it seemed to me)

Have you had one done too?

Yes - twice whilst pregnant with dd - it was a bit like a smear without the scraping sensation - at least for me, and that in itself was stressful - was it really stressful for you?

It's weird because I felt quite calm whilst it was being done and although it wasn't pleasant it wasn't painful, just a little uncomfortable. In a way I'm glad she did it because the swab test showed that everything is healthy - things would be so much worse if I ended up having GBS and passing it on to baby or something. I have no idea what I expected her to do when she asked me to go into hospital. I just really wish I hadn't exaggerated things cos of my stupid anxiety then I wouldn't be in this mess now. I've been told that speculums don't actually go as far in as touching the cervix though, is that right in your experience?

Do you mind if I ask why you had your internals? Feel free to say no I'm just glad to know that I'm not alone!

Erm - nothing to do with GBS - it seems to be something that they do almost routinely when you have an unexpected hospital exam whilst pregnant - for me, both times it was because of bleeding in later pregnancy - what was probably a teeny bit of placenta breaking away causing a bit of scary blood bleeding - they did the speculum both times - the second time they monitored the baby for 20 minutes - but i think that was just whilst they waited for the doctor.

I don't think they do touch the cervix though as you say, if they did that would be more like having a smearl

Oh and all was totally fine both times btw - i think it was just on their checklist of things to do whilst they wait for the doctor.

Did they explain much to you? they didn't really to me.

Do you know that there is a specialist ante-natal / birthing team at nhs hospitals for mothers that are more anxious or have experienced past traumas?

It does sound like it's possibly a routine thing they do them. Obviously yours was more serious than my anxiety-induced reason for going in but I suppose they're thorough if nothing else. They didn't really explain much no, I think I would have felt better if they would have. There was a lot of waiting around and I was on my own which made me feel even worse. My mw mentioned the specialist antenatal thing and said we would make a good birthing plan which would ease my anxiety as much as possible which is good. I really need to get over this don't I?

Thorough is good though - better that than them missing something important.

Re the birthing plan - i think the specialist ante-natal team and consultant lead care is the way to go - it's not easy to get over feeling anxious at all - it's your mind being super protective - although it may not seem like that to you right now.

If there is a next time then i would go the specialist ante-natal team and consultant lead care

when there is a query of waters breaking they have to examine you internally to check, if u don't and the waters did go there's much higher risks than gbs I'm afraid!

Speculums don't touch the cervix, they just allow a good view of it. Speculum examinations in pregnancy are pretty standard and extremely low risk. This examination has done absolutely no physical harm to you, your pregnancy or your baby. It has benefited your baby though, you know you aren't a carrier of group b strep so you know your baby isn't at risk of group b strep infection which can make babies very sick. You also know for certain that your waters hadn't gone.
So even though you think you didn't really need the appointment, you've not harmed the baby in any way and you've actually got some reassuring info (the group b strep swab) that you wouldn't have had if you didn't go in.

Thanks again for your replies everyone. Woke up in a panic attack again (it's becoming routine now) tried shaking the thoughts off as soon as I opened my eyes with no success. Still feel like the worst human being ever and like I've let my baby down. I feel like I'm in hell.

The problem is, nobody can reassure you because there is no rational basis to your worry. Your baby is healthy, so nothing is ruined. Your baby is healthy! That is the definition of whether something bad has happened in pregnancy.

Having said that, you really need professional help, urgently. 1000 people could tell you you did nothing wrong, but you wouldn't believe them.

Please speak to your midwife ask her to refer you to the mental health team!

Your going to stress yourself and make yourself really poorly

Keep talking to us here too

Thank you sallysparrow157 that's how I'm trying to see it.

This morning I had an appointment with a counsellor who has started me off with a "low-intensity" CBT worksheet. I insisted that I needed high-intensity and/or counselling. He told me that by the time counselling could be arranged that I'd nearly be due to have the baby which is absolutely ridiculous. I also so my midwife again who tries to reassure me despite the fact that she doesn't understand my reasoning for being anxious. It looks like I'm going to have to work through this by myself.

Op ask to speak to supervisor of midwives she will help u see the mental health team

You're not alone. You're doing great, by keeping talking. That's awesome.

If it helps, I rushed my DD to the docs at 9 weeks with a sudden unexplained rash. The doc asked me to show him the rash, and when I started taking off her nappy, very kindly and without smirking explained that rashes under the nappy are, um, generally, nappy rash. I was . But you know what, I don't regret going or yelling at DH to phone the fecking doctors when he was being slow because it could have been worse. On the way there, I thought 'she seems okay, it's probably nothing'. I didn't go home, because a)she's a small baby, and they are a bit vulnerable, so best to check and b) I'm not a doctor. Seeking expert advice is normal, and a healthy reaction.

You have great instincts, and there will be lots of times you panic over nothing probably but you will be told be all good HCPs that you should ALWAYS check, never just assume/leave it. You did the right thing. Honestly.

Maybe you will be able to accept that just this bit of the time you have being pregnant feels crap. Memories are moments in time, when you look back in future you may remember this crap bit but you will also remember all the other moments, especially the moments to come when you realise labour is starting and then meet your beautiful DC for the first time. You are stuck in the crap moment at present but you won't always be. You wil be able to look back on lovely and exciting times and look forward to the same. This bit will be relegated to 'the 2weeks of awfulness' which will be over. Being examined can feel really bloody horrible and there is nothing wrong with feeling that way afterwards, do ask for help- getting rid of unhelpful thoughts is just so hard to do by yourself. As others have said, be kind to yourself, being a mum to be is no easy thing.

How are
You today op?

Still anxious and feeling like a failure, still wishing I could turn back time. Am I ever going to get through this or is it just ruined for good?

This is not about the hospital visit/speculum. There is no risk to your baby and your fears make absolutely no rational sense.

What this is about is that you have had a sudden attack of acute anxiety. You have attached this anxiety to your hospital visit but you could have attached it to anything; say, you had been to lunch and suddenly started worrying that someone had cut your cheese with a knife that had also cut some brie, or that you found out that the casserole you ate for dinner had some wine in the sauce.

The problem is your totally disproportionate response. Other people have these worries, seek reassurance and forget about it. It's clear that you can't do this. Should you suddenly become reassured, as you crave, it'll be something else next week. I know - I have been there.

As ohdear says, you need to get referred to the mental health team asap. It is not "ruined" for good, so long as you see that the problem you are experiencing is not that you had an unnecessary examination, but that you have been overwhelmed by anxiety, and seek help accordingly. Please talk to your midwife.