Desperate for help - Please comment

[Louise990]

Hi ladies

I'm 30 weeks pregnant and in desperate need of your advice please. Before I start I should mention that I suffer with very severe anxiety and OCD. So here goes..

Sorry if TMI but 2 weeks ago today I had a long soak in the bath and shaved down below for the first time in ages which is embarrassing to admit lol. Later on that night I felt more wet down below but didn't think anything of it and assumed it was because there was no hair there to absorb it anymore. The next day I went shopping and as I got out of the car I felt a small rush of fluid when I stood up (as though I was on my period kinda thing). It wasn't much but still enough to feel uncomfortable. A tiny part of me wondered whether it could be my waters leaking but I assumed it was just watery discharge and let it go.

When Monday came round I woke up for work and was feeling a bit crap -no energy, short of breath etc. After being undecided what to do I finally ended up calling in sick to work but immediately felt really guilty and anxious for doing so because we really need the money, and so this somehow led me to need a reason to justify why I was missing work.

This then led to me calling my midwife to tell her about the "leak" I'd been experiencing so she asked me to go to triage to get checked over and make sure my waters weren't leaking. I unintentionally exaggerated things on the phone but I think my anxiety did most of the speaking for me. I happily agreed thinking that it would make me feel less guilty for not going to work, as well as making sure everything is ok down below - how wrong could I be.

I got there and she checked my blood pressure and temperature as well as baby's position and heartbeat - all fine. She then wanted to examine me using a speculum to see if it was anything to worry about and also to swab for infection. I freaked out at the thought of this and told her that I really thought it was just watery discharge but she still wanted to check. She did the exam and it was just normal discharge and I also found out that I'm all clear from infections such as Group B Strep which is a relief.

However, since that day I have been extremely anxious and beating myself up about going to the hospital. I can see now how unnecessary it was and I feel like I've disrupted my complication free pregnancy for nothing. I can't stop replaying it over in my mind wishing that I'd just turned back home and not gone in. I wake up in panic attacks and I feel like my pregnancy will never be the same. I honestly can't cope with what I've done and feel so guilty for messing everything up.

Please help me. What are your thoughts?

But if I was that worried then surely I should have called straight away when I felt the leak? Instead I left it until I needed a reason to call in sick to work and prove to my OH why I wasn't going to get us any money that day - this makes me feel awful and I hate myself so much. I love this baby way too much and now I can't even go in her nursery because of the guilt and shame I feel. I just want to go back to before this all happened when I was happy.

Are you going to phone your dr tomorrow?

You need to let them know that you are feeling very anxious. They will be able to give you something so you stop over thinking this.

You'll look back on this in a few weeks and realise you weren't at fault at all.

I honestly think it's your anxiety making you feel this way. Your feelings of guilt are out of proportion. I get where you're coming from, my anxiety was out of control when I was pregnant. Lack of medication plus pregnancy hormones etc plays havoc with anxiety.
Please speak to your GP about how you're feeling. You really haven't done anything wrong.

Nothing is ruined!!
You are catastrophising a perfectly rational action.
You felt ill.
You called in sick.
You then worried your waters were leaking.
You got checked out.
It doesn't really matter the chronology of these events...you did the right thing.
You are choosing to let this affect you. Go out with your Dh. Have some fun.
Please understand that nothing in life is perfect.
And thinking like that will cause you a lot of anguish.

Why did you feel you had to "prove" you were ill to your oh?

Op I have birth at 34 weeks, and my labour started in exactly the way you described your waters leaking.

You did absolutely the right thing, no doubt about it.

Mine had been leaking 24 hours by the time I went to hospital and was examined as you describe to be told I was 4cm dilated and definitely in labour.

Had I not gone to hospital I would have been at risk of infection and not been able to get steroids into me in time for ds being born.

I always thank my lucky stars I went to get checked, ds was back to back and got stuck so god knows what had happened if I'd not gone in- you did the right thing

Badvoc- the OP isn't "choosing" to feel like this.

You can't control anxiety sometimes- I've been there many times myself.

Me too.
But every single poster on this thread has said the same thing.
And op isn't listening.
So not much point asking for opinions if she won't listen :(

Op...are you going to phone your gp tomorrow?

Please try not to feel bad! This is just your anxiety and not a valid reason to feel bad. You didn't ring at first because you had shaved and put it down to that but didn't feel great, then you felt guilty about not earning money that day so felt others would think you had a more valid reason for not earning if you had been to the hospital so you went in. This doesn't mean you don't love your baby enough, you are right, everything feels a bit different down there after you shave and it has been a while! So putting it down to that is perfectly fine. You have done absolutely nothing wrong, you probably didn't ring because you knew that it was down to shaving but are now doubting your previous judgement, you don't need to. Your anxiety led you to feel as though you needed a better reason for being home, and you knew there had been something that could have possibly been something, (although deep down I'm sure you knew it wasn't likely) so you could go to the hospital just to get it checked out so you didn't have to feel guilty about being off work for the day.

I have severe anxiety and OCD too and I can understand why you'd be upset, but from an outside perspective you honestly have done nothing wrong. You didn't actually think anything was wrong with your baby and I'm sure if you had thought there actually was a serious issue you would have had it checked out.

Sorry if this is a ramble, I'm on the app and it's hard to review what I've written! x

tmae thank you for your reply - I'm grateful for everyone's responses but I can see that you genuinely understand my concerns and it's a relief.

Should I not feel guilty that I went to the hospital knowing deep down that there was nothing wrong, and then to be subjected to an internal exam using a speculum which I should have point blank refused? This is why I can't forgive myself. I literally can't get over this and it's affected the way I see the rest of my pregnancy. I can speak to a million different people but I can't change what I've done. What were the benefits of going to the hospital? Absolutely none :(

Badvoc I've spoken to a consultant about this and she just said that I did the right thing and to stop worrying, she also referred me to the counsellor who I will see tomorrow - the fact is that the consultant nor the midwives can see that I went to the hospital to ease my guilt over not going to work rather than going in cos I genuinely had concerns that I was leaking fluid. This is what I can't cope with.

Anyone else? I'm going out of my mind still :(

Ok
So you can't forgive yourself for being a flawed human being?
Because - and I hate to break this to you - we are none of us perfect!
You feel bad because you think that you used your pg to get a day off work? And then you went to hospital and wasted resources?
Is that it or have I misunderstood?
Because ANY hcp I have ever met would always want to see a pg woman who felt ill....for whatever reason.
The same with young children.
I have taken my dc to the gp and even hosptial to be checked over when worried and they always say the same thing...
"Better safe than sorry"
The only thing that has changed about your pg is that you have had an examination which you feel you didn't need.
Someone once told me guilt is a pointless emotion unless you are willing to do something about it.
Really pleased you are seeing someone tomorrow...that's a positive step.

Op ... Why do you say"anyone else ".? It's like you don't believe what we say and are looking for an irrational person to come and say yes u have hurt baby with speculum, yes you did do the wrong thing by getting checked!

That's not going to happen because u did do the right thing! What do you want people to say to u?

I just want different people's perspective on the situation. I wish I could believe that I'd done nothing wrong but I feel so awful. I don't know how I'm going to cope for the rest of my pregnancy and birth if I feel like this :(

Louise...every single poster here has told you the same thing.
Ditto dr.
Ditto midwife.
I'm really not sure we can help you if you don't believe us :(
I have been a mother for 11 years.
Sometimes we get stuff wrong, make the wrong call, react in a non logical way.
You need to be able to accept your actions. Learn from them.

Op. My little boy is 12 weeks old now, and when I was pregnant he was lazy, wouldn't move! I had so many episodes I ended up with extra scans and monitoring because I kept being checked! Now I knownwhy my baby didn't move he's as chilled as anything! There was nothing actually wrong with him!

If you are struggling to see the positive in this, then your mental health deteriorate rapidly because of anxiety!

To be honest, if you don't believe your consultant we have no chance convincing u either

This desire to blame yourself is your OCD. At the core of OCD is a belief that you are a terrible person who will be responsible for something awful and catastrophic happening to yourself or others unless you remain vigilant and do some action to prevent it. This is the same. Also no amount of reassurance from posters on the internet, midwives or consultants is going to take away the anxiety because you feel like a terrible person. You need help with your OCD.

Have you had CBT for OCD or anxiety? It could really help. You need to be able to learn to tolerate that awful feeling of anxiety without doing anything.

I had low intensity CBT - no idea why they assumed I was best suited to low but it didn't help. The therapist basically printed off a few worksheets to go through in my own time rather than talking things through with me and helping me. I'm still convinced that this is MY fault rather than anxiety - I made the choice to go to hospital that day and I had many chances to turn back home but didn't.

I was talking about you not being able to let go of the guilt being part if the OCD, not that it was the OCD that made you go in that day. Although it was really because you were unable to trust yourself that your decision to stay off was an ok one. It made you anxious and worried you were doing something terrible. So you tried to fix it by going to get checked out. Now you can't work out if that decision was justified. Honestly, it is really all part of OCD-type thinking.

Lots of primary care teams have a policy of always offering low-intensity interventions first. Did you complete the sessions? Often you can be "stepped-up" after. Speak to your midwife or go to the GP and ask for. More intensive intervention. Being pregnant or having a young baby whilst being quite anxious is very hard but you will usually be fast tracked when pregnant so go now.

So what that you went in to be checked for the wrong reasons, you made a mistake that has hurt no one. Mistakes, especially ones that hurt no one, do not make you a terrible person. But as I said it doesn't matter what anyone else says.

And sorry if my posts sound a bit curt, I'm on my phone and breastfeeding DD. Anxiety disorders are really tough. I hope you get some good support that can help you to stop judging and blaming yourself

What were the benefits of going to the hospital? Absolutely none

That isn't true. You were worried something was wrong. It wasn't. But you didn't know that until you went to the hospital.

Also, have you read the threads about stupid things people have done while pregnant? It affects your hormones, your moods, your behaviour. This is my second DC, I lost count of the errors of judgement I made when pg and since. There are so many things I look back on and think what was I thinking?!

So you might have made an error of judgement (I don't think you did). But what were the consequences? Other than your anxiety, virtually none. You're ok, baby is ok. It happened. But it's ok.