Desperate for help - Please comment

[Louise990]

Hi ladies

I'm 30 weeks pregnant and in desperate need of your advice please. Before I start I should mention that I suffer with very severe anxiety and OCD. So here goes..

Sorry if TMI but 2 weeks ago today I had a long soak in the bath and shaved down below for the first time in ages which is embarrassing to admit lol. Later on that night I felt more wet down below but didn't think anything of it and assumed it was because there was no hair there to absorb it anymore. The next day I went shopping and as I got out of the car I felt a small rush of fluid when I stood up (as though I was on my period kinda thing). It wasn't much but still enough to feel uncomfortable. A tiny part of me wondered whether it could be my waters leaking but I assumed it was just watery discharge and let it go.

When Monday came round I woke up for work and was feeling a bit crap -no energy, short of breath etc. After being undecided what to do I finally ended up calling in sick to work but immediately felt really guilty and anxious for doing so because we really need the money, and so this somehow led me to need a reason to justify why I was missing work.

This then led to me calling my midwife to tell her about the "leak" I'd been experiencing so she asked me to go to triage to get checked over and make sure my waters weren't leaking. I unintentionally exaggerated things on the phone but I think my anxiety did most of the speaking for me. I happily agreed thinking that it would make me feel less guilty for not going to work, as well as making sure everything is ok down below - how wrong could I be.

I got there and she checked my blood pressure and temperature as well as baby's position and heartbeat - all fine. She then wanted to examine me using a speculum to see if it was anything to worry about and also to swab for infection. I freaked out at the thought of this and told her that I really thought it was just watery discharge but she still wanted to check. She did the exam and it was just normal discharge and I also found out that I'm all clear from infections such as Group B Strep which is a relief.

However, since that day I have been extremely anxious and beating myself up about going to the hospital. I can see now how unnecessary it was and I feel like I've disrupted my complication free pregnancy for nothing. I can't stop replaying it over in my mind wishing that I'd just turned back home and not gone in. I wake up in panic attacks and I feel like my pregnancy will never be the same. I honestly can't cope with what I've done and feel so guilty for messing everything up.

Please help me. What are your thoughts?

What a good post Balloon.

Please listen to Balloon, Louise. You can get help with this and the help will make the anxiety go away.

Thank you both for still caring enough to reply to me and ask how I'm doing - it never fails to amaze me how kind and supportive people who I've never met and probably never will meet can be at times like these.

I hope I'm not speaking too soon but I can actually rationalise and feel strong enough to know that what you have said is completely right BalloonSlayer. Although being able to realise this all the time seems like an impossible task - I can't believe I've let this go on for so long now and potentially accept that it's going to affect the rest of my pregnancy.

I spoke to my midwife on Monday and also saw a counsellor who gave me a booklet on how to handle worry and a relaxation CD - he told me that he was going to start me off on low-intensity CBT but I argued (whilst bawling my eyes out) that this is not enough and I need more. He said that he would speak to his supervisor who apparently deals with anxiety in pregnancy so I then asked why I couldn't see her instead? I'm going back next week and hopefully he will have some answers.

In the meantime I have a wonderful, supportive partner who is reiterating everything that everyone has already said - I just wish that I could accept it. I love my unborn baby so much but at the moment I feel detached from my bump and like I've let her down completely. I'm praying that this ends soon but I know I need to work hard.

I want to type this up before I forget because let's face it - anxiety and OCD rarely allow positive thoughts to overtake negative ones.

I'm not saying that I'm "cured" as I'm pretty sure that anxiety and all of the delights that come with it will never completely leave me BUT I am starting to see things from a new perspective - a much healthier, more rational perspective.

My life before the day I went to triage was FAR from perfect - I was anxious and/or obsessive over something almost every single day and it's so easy to forget this now that I'm currently in the middle of my most recent bout of mental agony.

For example, a girl at work opened a solid, heavy door very suddenly and I was stood behind it about to go through it myself. Straight away I began having a mental argument with my anxiety which was adamantly telling me that the door had bashed into my bump. Needless to say, I didn't put up much of a fight and let it make me believe that I'd recklessly allowed my baby to be hit by a door when I could have easily prevented it. Of course the door hadn't hit me and the girl apologised but it still consumed me for a long time.

Another example is that I refuse to leave any drinks or food on my desk at work unattended. If I accidentally did forget then as soon as I got back to my desk I would just throw whatever it was away due to the fear of it being poisoned, even if I'd barely touched it. I irrationally assume people are wanting to hurt me and my baby. Why would anyone try and poison a pregnant woman, or anyone for that matter?

Aside from the workplace, things at home were suffering even more so. My poor OH who is the most amazing, kind and supportive man a woman could ever wish for has been the recipient of the effects of my anxiety for as long as I can remember - but even more so since I've been pregnant. Although he would never cheat on me, I have accused him and obsessed over him being unfaithful to me or even watching porn behind my back to the point where I've broken down in tears and asked him how he could treat me the way he does. He would NEVER cheat on me and I don't even care if he does watch porn but my anxiety would tell me over and over again that I should worry. I have caused so many unnecessary arguments and have been ruining our relationship for quite a while and he really doesn't deserve the way I've been treating him.

I've been living my life in a way that if I could make it to bed at the end of the day without experiencing any serious episodes of anxiety or obsessive behaviour then I could sleep peacefully until the next day/challenge. I saw every single day as an obstacle and this is an exhausting way to live. I wanted everything to be perfect and had no room for unplanned events or situations that could potentially trigger my anxiety.

I'm incredibly lucky in the sense that I am now 30+3 weeks pregnant and have had a wonderful (physically) uncomplicated pregnancy so far. I have a beautiful baby girl living inside me who is growing and developing perfectly and she means the absolute world to me already. My OH is thankfully still right beside me despite everything and has been my absolute rock throughout the pain and suffering that my anxiety and OCD have caused.

The weekend before I went to triage on the Monday, I had been feeling upset and anxious in general really. I had just opened up to my OH and told him about something from my past that was very difficult to share. I was tired, cranky, had a very short fuse and could feel my anxiety beginning to rear its ugly head as usual.

By the time Monday came around I still wasn't feeling mentally or physically well. I woke up feeling tired, short of breath and just a bit run down and miserable to be honest. It's true that I had been feeling a bit more wet down below but I really wasn't concerned because I was pretty sure it was because I'd shaved on the Saturday night so thought no more of it.

Anyway I was sat getting ready for work that morning when I looked at the clock and tried to decide whether I felt ok enough to go into work that day. I eventually decided that I didn't feel up to it and rang my OH to tell him. I was immediately defensive on the phone as though he was judging me (he wasn't) so I snapped and said I wasn't feeling well blah blah blah - again, being a cow with him for no reason.

My OH was concerned that I wasn't feeling well so he suggested that I should call the midwife. This seemed like a good idea to me and thought it would justify to myself and my OH why I was missing work that day, so I called her. Just before I did this I had been searching on Google and forums about the differences between normal discharge and amniotic fluid and therefore scared myself into believing that the wetness I'd felt the day could have possibly been my waters leaking - if I could have mentally taken a step back and thought about it then I probably wouldn't have done what I ended up doing.

The midwife answered the phone and I told her that for the past couple of days I'd been leaking a bit more than usual and it appeared to be clear and odourless - this was true but I massively exaggerated to her (unintentionally) because I was already feeling a bit worked up. Of course midwives can't take any risks when it comes to even a bit of unusual discharge so she asked me to go in to check that my waters weren't leaking.

I didn't even hesitate because I was already in a bit of an anxious state by this point and had convinced myself that it might be a possibility that my waters were slowly leaking but still knew it was quite unlikely. So then I drove to triage and well, you know the rest..

I can't change what I did that day and I certainly can't change the effect it has had on me since. These past couple of weeks have been the lowest and darkest points of my life and I pray to God that I never have to suffer the way I have done ever again. My anxiety has beaten me down so far to the ground that I haven't even been able to look up. The life I had taken for granted before that day seemed like a distant memory, and I've been feeling like I've ruined things for good.

The negatives of what I did that day?

• My anxiety flared up beyond my control and has crippled every single part of me for over 2 weeks now.
• I have never felt so low in my life and the joy and happiness has been taken out of my pregnancy and the bond I have with my unborn baby.

The positives of what I did that day?

• The midwife confirmed that my baby and me are perfectly healthy and that it was just watery discharge i.e. normal at this stage of pregnancy.
• I had a swab for serious infections such as Group B Strep which thankfully came back negative.
• I realised that I had been taking everything I had before that day for granted and not seeing how lucky I was to have my OH and my healthy, perfect baby.

So basically NOTHING has changed since that day apart from my anxiety. My baby has no idea what happened and is comfortably floating around in a big ball of water, completely oblivious towards everything as she always has been.

My anxiety won temporarily but I will NOT allow it to ruin any more of my pregnancy and the way I feel about my unborn baby. It really is a shame that it has taken a speculum being put inside me to make me realise everything I've just said but it could have been a lot, lot worse!!

It's not going to be easy but I WILL win and I WILL enjoy my future with my amazing family more than I ever would have if this had never happened.

I'm aware that this is an extremely long post but I'm grateful to anyone who takes the time to read it. I hope this positive thinking stays with me and I hope I can get my life back on track with the new lessons I have learned.

Thank you everyone.

Well done op, I posted earlier on in thread about my leaky waters.

I've held off since because I felt unqualified to comment on the anxiety you are dealing with.

It's excellent that you can rationalise by writing down your thoughts, it obviously helps you to do so so maybe carry on with that.

The fact that you can take positives with you is also brill, I wish you a lovely last few weeks of your pregnancy

Thank you so much

I've just looked back at your earlier post and despite the massive dark cloud that my anxiety has casted over me this whole time - you are proof that getting checked out can never be a bad thing, regardless of my thought processes or reasoning.

It's such a blessing that you went and got checked as it was actually your waters leaking. I've also seen the lighter side of the story where women have gone in concerned their waters are leaking and they've actually just wet themselves! Although mine was just normal discharge I would have beaten myself up a hell of a lot more if I'd just forgotten about it and it turned out to be more serious in the end.

I'm hoping that I can put this behind me as a lesson well learnt and move on finally. And at least I know what will happen when the time comes lol - I'm feeling positive!

That's fab Louise.

If it helps I have had very similar anxieties, and they do get worse when pregnant or post-natal, because you are wired to be on high alert to protect your baby, hence my urging you to speak to your Midwife or GP. I did in my 3rd pregnancy and I am so glad I did, I spoke to a lady from the MH unit who told me how to get in touch if my anxiety skyrocketed after the baby was born, and just knowing I had put that in place helped me immensely.

Just knowing and understanding "this isn't about xx scenario, this is about the crippling anxiety I suffer from" about yourself is a start. You can see the anxiety as the thing to be tackled not the specific thing you are worrying about. I used to think if only I could be reassured about whatever it was at the time I would be OK for the rest of my life, it took a long time to realise that there would always be something that was worrying me to death, the specific problem was largely irrelevent. Craptastic metaphor alert: the anxiety is Mount Everest, the thing you are worried about at any one time is what colour snowsuit you are wearing.

I think the thing about this sort of anxiety is that it is rooted in feelings of guilt and low self-worth. Somewhere inside you feel you don't deserve to be happy, to have a healthy baby, a happy relationship, so you are constantly waiting and expecting disaster to fall.

You know when something bad does happen and people say: why me? Good question. But people like you and I, when something good happens, that's when WE think: why me? When is this going to be taken away?

But the truth is that you and I are as entitled to our happy lives and healthy babies as anyone else. It's just hard to accept that something is actually going pretty well.

Hope that didn't ramble too much and makes sense, I kept deleting things and I think it turned into a bit of a jumble.

Louise, it is lovely to read your update and the fact you're feeling more positive.

I've just chuckled at your reply Louise because when I got to hospital the midwives were very dubious and also thought I was just wetting myself.

As did dp, who was well miffed he might miss the boxing in tv that night.

I had to sit over a bowl and the first midwife went as far as sniffing what was in it and declared it was wee.

It was only when a doc examined me and asked me to cough did my waters explode all over her and the midwife next to her.

Big fat told you so! U absolutely did the right thing. Great to hear the positivity today

I also have a friend who had two 11lb babies.

In her second pregnancy a bus driver wouldn't let her on as he insisted she was in labour cos water was running down her leg- it was wee. Baby was so big she literally wet herself hourly for the last 2-3 weeks of pregnancy

BallonSlayer - I think you should seriously consider becoming a therapist yourself because everything you've said makes so much sense!

My anxiety has dissected going to triage to get checked over by a midwife into so many pieces and has made me over-analyse them each individually to the point where I can't make any rational sense of what I did that day. I've completely tortured and bullied myself into believing that I'm the worst pregnant woman/mum-to-be in the world and that I don't have the right to feel happy and content.

Meanwhile the big picture looks something like this - I woke up for work one morning not feeling my best. The day before I had felt a bit of a leak but pushed it to the back of my mind assuming it was nothing. After deciding not to go to work I felt even more anxious and guilty and then ended up googling discharge vs amniotic fluid and scaring myself into calling the midwife.

I went to triage, got checked over and found out that everything is just fine. So why do I feel guilty?

1. For unintentionally exaggerating my symptoms to the midwife over the phone.

1. For allowing her to actually do the examination.

Did my actions pose any risk to my baby or me? None whatsoever.

Did my actions benefit my baby and me? Yes. I found out that everything is just as it should be and with the added bonus that I am clear from any infections.

The only negative result of what happened that day is my anxiety.

I don't usually obsess over something for this long but as you said - I'm on high alert to protect my baby.

By doing all of this my anxiety is trying to tell me that I don't deserve to be happy and that I don't deserve to be excited about my pregnancy and healthy baby. Trying to go back and change what happened that day would not solve anything because the problem here is irrelevant - it's my anxiety induced reaction that has been the cause of all this.

Sorry for rambling on!

Thecircle - 11lb babies I'm not surprised she was leaking lol!

I think it's so common to worry that you've had a leak during pregnancy that midwives must see so many false alarms every single day and it just turns out to be discharge or urine. But at the same time it just takes that one case like yours to prove otherwise and make it all worthwhile to go in and get checked!

Op, I'm enjoying your positivity, keep with it!!

When my waters finally went it smelt like I'd spilt cleaning fluid. DH thought I'd been cleaning the bathroom in the night again

But I had many occasions where I was sure I was leaking and my mW was patient every time!

Keep positive but accept you'll have some lower days as well. Embrace the changes in you and your body and KEEP talking to DH, mine is my rock too!

I would really recommend getting some good CBT even if you have to pay for it (if you can afford it).
It has immensely helped someone close to me with similar issues and obsessions that were taking over their life.

Your baby will need you to be fully present with him/her and not preoccupied by going over and over anxious thoughts in your head trying to find reassurance.

You say your baby is everything to you and the best thing to happen in your life. So do this for your child; it's far far more worthwhile than all the baby toys in the world to have a mummy who is really present for them.

Please get those close to you to watch out for your thinking processes once you have the baby as post-natal hormones and lack of sleep can have disastrous effects on being able to think straight.

Take care and good luck.

Op