Depressed about sex of unborn baby

[nutcracker]

A friend of mine is very concerned about her sister who is expecting her 3rd baby. She has 2 dd's and longs for a ds. At her scan last week she was told that the baby is almost certainly a girl.
My firend said that since then her sister has been very deperessed and getting her to talk about the baby is very difficult. My friend is worried that her sister will now reject or have alot of trouble bonding with the baby when it arrives.
I just wondered if anyone else had experianced this.
I have never been bothered either way about the sex of my children. I have 2 dd's and when pregnant for the 3rd time i really didn't mind what i had.

I'll stick my head up over the parapet and admit I wanted a particular sex when I had no3. I had two boys already and once I was pg I more and more wanted another boy. The gender hadn't crossed my mind when we decided to go for no3 but the feelings developed as my bump did, although they certainly didn't dominate the pg.

I was disappointed when dd was born and had a pretty torrid night afterwards, in tears partly because I suspected she had Downs and partly because I thought I'd never be able to cope with a girl, take care of her or ever know or understand what she would want. I was scared of her.

Next day, I was told by an ill-informed dr that I wouldn't be allowed to breast feed due to my underactive thyroid. The Mummy Tiger hormones roared into life and I went ballistic. No one was going to tell me how to look after my daughter and all hell broke out on the ward. I felt an overwhelming tidalwave-sized surge of love for my tiny baby and suddenly she was the most perfect baby anyone could ever have wanted.

My feelings may have been because my mum always preferred boys and she and I don't have a close relationship, and because I felt I 'knew' boys. I was too embarrassed/ashamed to share my concern with anyone except dh. I'm usually fairly level headed and really, it was an out-of-the-ordinary experience for me to be unable to control that desire. I certainly didn't choose to feel that way and had tried to be positive in pg, looking at girly pink clothes (I don't like blue, lol!) and seeing other people happy with their girls.

So I do have a certain sympathy for Nutcracker's friend, although I think if I'd been desperate for a third boy beforehand I'd probably have forgone another baby rather than risk disppointment. Anyway, this is a long ramble saying notalot, just IME but I hope once the baby is here that your friend loves it as she loves her dd's, Nutcracker.

When I was pregnant with DS I was desperate for a girl (I had my reasons) at my 20 week scan I found out I was having a boy. I cried for weeks afterwards and every time somebody asked me the sex. I now love DS to bits and did from the minute I saw him. Feelings are not logical, you cannot give somebody a reality check, often we don't know why somebody would prefer a certain sex, it isn't always to follow on the family name. She may be 'grieving' in her own way for the son she may never have. Best she finds out at a scan to have time to deal with it than have such strong feelings at the birth. I had a miscarriage last year so know the pain of losing a baby. I have also nursed at Great ormond Street and seen plenty of sick children. I am now nearly 20 weeks pregnant again and found out last week that this is probably a boy too. My heart did sink, I really would like a girl but the reality is that we won't have one, that takes some getting used to. I am of course grateful that DS is a very health child (bar a nut allergy whcih is life threatening but managable) and this baby appears healthy too. That doesn't stop feelings and disappointment however ilogical they seem to some. I hope that she gets a sympathetic ear and is able to work through her 'disappointment' in her own time.

Nutcracker,

I don't go with the argument that you should be happy its a healthy baby irrespective of the sex. I think its normal for mums to have preferences. I have a dd and I am expecting a ds. Really I would have preferred a second dd (particularly since this might be my last child). The reason is that I can't imagine having the same sort of 'understanding' with a son as I can with a daughter. I also have a poor relationship with the males in my immediate family (father and brother) with has coloured my perpective. There has been some difficulty in reconciling myself to the fact that

Ooops I clicked the post messsage button by accident....

I am having a boy, but by now (at 36 weeks pregnant)I have started to feel bonded with my bump and I am looking forward to his arrival. The common sense part of me tells me that I will love him as much as my dd......

Feel sure that your friend's sister will come around to the idea soon

I would say that one of the top ten things you are doing with your mind when pg is imagining yourself/ your family into a new situation. The sex of the new bab is naturally something that impacts on this fantasy hugely, not least because of one's own relationship with siblings & parents... A completely imaginary projected new family grows up in your mind. How can this not happen? If you find you have strong feelings about the sex of your baby you are unlucky but not wrong! You just have to remember that the reality is always and always different from what you imagine. I am 33 wks with 1st and find it hard not to have preferences from day to day... often for boy because I am an oldest sister as was my mum and would like to break bigsister legacy that I feel sometimes hangs round the neck a bit. This is not a big deal, just a whim. My Mum's wise friend said to me 'You're allowed to have a different indoors-baby from your outdoors-baby. My Lucy was a boy right up until she came out but I loved her just the same'. I thought this was a very nice thing to hear because it admits how natural it is to fantasise about the person you imagine might be in there, but is so unlikely to bear any relationship to the real child, in sex or temperament or preferred hobbies or.... anything!

I can sympathise with this! I don't think it's very realistic or helpful to say that she should just thank her lucky stars she's having a healthy baby!!
Nutty - I don't think she'll have any problems bonding once the baby is here, but at the moment the expectations that this might be her last chance to have a boy were high and are now shattered. I have one boy and am pg with the 2nd and I'm really hoping it's a girl. If it's a boy then so be it, but since this is my last pregnancy I hoped for one of each. I know I will feel disappointed if they tell me at the scan that it's a boy, but then all that will pale into insignificance when I see his little face and hear his first cry.

I also think it has NOTHING to do with her specifically wanting a boy, but rather wanting what she doesn't have at the moment. I'm sure she'll be okay. She just needs time to get her head around it and get used to the idea. On the grand scale of things it really doesn't matter what the sex is, but it doesn't stop some people (including me) secretly hoping for a wee change.

Sorry, I think that it is unrealistic to expect all of your desires to be fulfilled in life. Fine, she would like a boy. There are any number of things that I would like in life, but I know that they are not going to happen. We all have to learn to deal with disapointments, it is part of growing up. If having the 'wrong' sex is the worse thing that happens she should consider herself to be very lucky.

And yes, obviously people have the right to preferences, but we have to learn to deal with life as it is, not how we would like it to be.

I think Spots and her mum's friend are spot on and I love the idea of indoor and outdoor babies. My indoor babies were twin girls named Nancy and Ruby, much to the chagrin of my outdoor babies, who are now aged almost 5 and in an anti- girl phase.

When I was pregnant with no 4, I knew from about 13 weeks that she was a girl and although I already had both boys and girls and didn't really mind at all what sex the baby was, I was disappointed, I think because this was my last baby and I would never have a chance to have another boy. It sounds silly, I know, and I'm almost certain that if the baby had been a boy, I would have felt the same about not having another girl.
The thing is that as soon as she was born, instead of the baby being 'a girl' she was 'my girl' iykwim and ny disappointment vanished immediately. I hope your friend's sister feels the same way.
The other thing is that no matter what you have, people still make silly and insensitive comments. Because my youngest was a boy, certain people kept going on about how nice it would be for him to have a brother to play with - even though there's a 6 1/2 year age gap, which I found quite hurtful as I knew the baby was a girl. (We didn't tell people that we knew the sex).
To be honest, I think that unless there are good medical reasons for knowing the sex, you shouldn't.

Oh I still feel very strongly about this. I've been thinking about it overnight.

We all feel sorry for ourseves sometimes. very natural. A few weeks ago I wallowed in self-pity for a number of days about having an autistic kids. Triggered my my son's refusal to go t my friend's house. porr little me what was I going to do over the holidays. Poor little me couldn;t even go to the posat office.\

Anyway after a few days of sulking about my shitty life I remebered Annie. Annie is a little girl I know who was born severely brain damaged following a mismanaged birth. At the age of 6 she has almost died several times. She is unable to sit up and unable to feed herself.

And I stopped feeling sorry for myself becuase my son only understands nouns because Annie doesn't understnad anything- not even her name. And I stopped feeling sorry for myself because my son speaks klingon as Annie only grunts. And I stopped feeling sorry for myself becuase my son will never live independently becuase Annie won't live.

Thinking about others in worse situations certainly helps me get my head out of my arse so I don't see why this should be any different.

And the funny thing is Annie's mum doesn't seem to do self-pity.

Heads out of arses is the order of the day Jimjams

Jimjam - I thought people posted on here because they need support, advice and friendship - not a never-ending ear bashing.....

Piglet, sometimes friendship involves telling people difficult things. And then giving support. The answer to poster's problems is not always unquestioning support for their current views.

I wouldn't say that to the person directly. At the end of the day some people need a reality check as well. Badly.

Piglit, I think it would be different if the person herself had posted, but she didn't. So nobody's getting an 'ear bashing' at all. It's a poster's friend's sister who is 'depressed' about baving a girl. Which I do think is terribly self-indulgent. A twinge of regret, a pang of disappointment I can understand, but depression? If you aren't a bit prepared for what is after all, a 50/50 likelihood, then I do think that's a bit odd. Why have another child if the prospect of a girl is so awful it makes you 'depressed'. After all,it's hardly unlikely that you will have one.
I do also stand by what I said. What does this women expect from a 'boy' that makes him so desirable? Suppose he turned out to be different from the boy she wanted, would that make her depressed too?

I'm not expressing a view on this woman's problem at all and am keeping well out of it. I just thought that jimjams was very harsh. She made her point very early on and that's fine (after all, that's what the website is for!) but she made her point again and again and I don't think it came across as at all understanding of this woman's position and she was very scathing of her. I have absolutely no idea what it would be like to be in this woman's shoes - I am just desparately grateful that I am pg but I would hope I would never judge anyone who came to me for advice.

I sometimes see posts I don't like or don't agree with but I generally keep well clear. I think there's something in the mumsnet blurb about pregnancy etc being difficult enough as it is without being judged or criticised by other people.

But this woman isn't even reading this Piglit!! If you read the original post you will see that she hasn't come to us for advice. So what any of us say won't hurt her.
I think asking the mother of a quite severely autistic child to sympathise with a woman bleating about not wanting a perfectly healthy daughter really is a bit much. If the woman herself had posted, "i'm depresed because I'm having a daughter' I think it might actually help to hear, 'Sorry you feel bad, but really, worse things happen."
This afternoon I am interviewing a mother of a four year old little boy with muscular dystrophy - a slowly paralysing condition that will slowly put him in a wheelchair, and kill him by his early twenties. It puts things in perspective.

'Never' judge? I'm sorry but I think that I would. So if someone came to you and said they were taking crack while pg you wouldn't judge them? I guess that just makes you better than me.

I'd like to help the person out, but sometimes you have to give people a reality check. I don't think that you can help everyone by being 100% non-judgmental all the time.

Aloha, this is obviously my day for agreeing with you 100%

For goodness sake, thaving one sex or another is NORMAL! It would be like geiing depressed by having a child with a particular eye colour. Yes we can all have preferences but sometimes we don't get what we want. That is life, we have to grow up a bit and accept it.

I'm sorry if this woman has had such a crappy life that it has skewed her judgemnt over what she needs to make her happy, but get real! Some people have to deal with so much shit in their lives that this sort of thing wouldn't even regester.

hmb - we aren't talking about taking crack in pregnancy or anything remotely like that.

I'm getting out of here.

You said, ' I have absolutely no idea what it would be like to be in this woman's shoes - I am just desparately grateful that I am pg but I would hope I would never judge anyone who came to me for advice. ' So you would judge some things?

That is not what you said.

Yes I probably was harsh, but that's becuase I feel harsh about this. I have had someone moaning at me about the "wrong" sex before and at first I thought she was just being unspeakably insensitive. I then realised that actually it was more likely that she just has zero idea what my life is like. If the woman herself had posted I wouldn;t have replied, but as its about someone's sister's friend I'm not that worried about saying what I really think.

My SIL had trouble conceiving, and her so called bfriend did this whole "poor me I want another child but not a boy" thing to her. Poor old SIL was left feeling very confused and very guilty as she thought her best friend weas being a self indulgent cow, but she felt guilty thinking like that. I spent quite a while reassuring SIL that feeling the way she did did not make her a bad person.

I'm with aloha and hmb on this. There are always people coping with terribly difficult circumstances out there. And that doesn't stop our situations being difficult to us, and that doesn't stop us feeling down. But lets keep a sense of perspective. As Aloha says meeting the mother of a child who will die from muscular dystrophy does just that.